Dialectics “R” Us Speaks on the Duterte Situation


UTRECHT, NETHERLANDS – “Do you want the short version or the long version?” Joma Sison, retired writer and passionate hobby gardener, contemplatively asks our WS correspondent, before continuing without waiting for an answer: “The short version of what Duterte is doing is: dialectics, dialectics, dialectics.

“Now, the long version is that he is diving into the manure of contradictions, which you have to do in realpolitik, and thus he is engaging in a dialectical politics with regard to Sino-American relations. And since dialectics is Marxism-Leninism-Mao Zedong Thought – and we might add: Sisonism – he is displaying exemplary politics that should be supported by the CPP and the NDF.

“Not that I have any say in those organisations, but if I had, I would advise them to support him in his dialectical method. The Pilipino people are by their very nature dialectical thinkers and thus supporters of Mao Zedong Thought–Sisonism. Thus, the Pilipino people will support Duterte’s dialectics, but since – dialectically – this dialectic is basically the politics of the CPP it is safe to say that the CPP is actually in power in the Pilippines. This is the unique genius of Sisonism. Me – MABUHAY!”

Other voices were less enthusiastic about the confused statements of Rodrigo Duterte and the response of the Maoist government of the Philippines to this. Stefan Engel, the only person that can issue orders to God, responded to our request for a statement thus:

“Look, this is crap. If a guy like Duterte can confuse them, they should consider giving up. I was going to say they should join the fight in Kurdistan, where the enemy is clear. But then I think about the complex manoeuvring in Syria and Iraq between rival imperialist blocs, they’d just find some way to screw it up. So now I think they should collectively buy a massive garden in the Netherlands, which is basically Germany’s garden, and work on that.

“But hey, Joma will always be welcome in my official ICOR basement when Manny Pacquiao is on.”

Revolutionaries Condemn Entire Serbian Working Class as NATO Pawns


BELGRADE – As part of Worker’s Spatula’s long-standing project of surveying the state of dialectical thought in the Balkans – and heavily confused by the mysterious disappearance of our dearest comrades from Partija Rada from the very face of the earth – we turn our attention towards the bulwark of Marxism-Leninism that is Serbia’s NKPJ.

After a short correspondence with the NKPJ Central Committee and the suggestion that we should contact their youth wing, the unpretentiously named SKOJ, for “matters related to computers and the internet”, our official ex-Yugo correspondent has managed to arrange an official meeting with SKOJ’s secretariat in their party headquarters.

After dutifully saluting the first human face he saw upon entering the office – a life-size portrait of Comrade Stalin – and spontaneously bursting into a tearful rendition of Oshanin’s “Thank you, Great Leader”, our correspondent was greeted by a pleasant old man suspiciously resembling Felix Dzerzhinsky and escorted into a room occupied by seven dour-faced yet steely-eyed youths, who promptly introduced themselves as the seven secretaries of SKOJ.

After a round of proper comradely greetings and a customary shot of rakija, the seven secretaries started to explain the grim state of class struggle in Serbia:

“Of course, we are worried about the increasingly repressive nature of the bourgeois state apparatus under Vučić,” said First Secretary Aleksandar Đenić. “But what worries are even more is what appears to be complete NATO control over all opposition forces.”

“It appears we are facing a prelude to a repeat of the counter-revolution of October 5th, 2000,” continued the increasingly agitated First Secretary. “We, as communists and anti-imperialists, cannot allow this to happen.”

Our correspondent furiously scribbled notes as he asked: “But what would NATO gain from this, isn’t Vučić already a firmly pro-Western neoliberal?”

“It’s all part of a global trend, like in Brazil, or Syria, or Libya,” explained Đenić, listing several countries with very similar relationships to US imperialism as compared to Serbia. “The Americans seem to simply have an insatiable appetite for destruction.”

At that moment, Milan Petković, his young and energetic comrade, quickly chimed in: “There is this anti-government movement in the streets, and they use a big yellow duck as a symbol. The same duck was used in Brazil as a mascot of the American-sponsored coup movement. It may be that the Belgrade duck predates the Brazilian duck it copies, but this is only evidence of the deep entrenchment of NATO in the Serbian opposition. Let’s not even mention the fag parades and all other forms of NATO-sponsored bourgeois imperialist capitalist liberal degeneracy designed to weaken the Serbian national moral character.”

“Anarchists, Trotskyites, and other liberals accuse us of sponsoring right-wing, fascist initiatives against the ‘yellow duck’. But I’m sure that, as a fellow Marxist-Leninist, you agree that popular alliances with sections of the national bourgeoisie are entirely acceptable when carried out in a proper anti-imperialist fashion,” Petković continued, his voice quaking with righteous anger.

First Secretary Đenić raised his finger, as if to calm his younger comrade: “Actually, we have developed a thesis which posits that any form of anti-government resistance at this point objectively serves the interests of American imperialism, and so we advise the working class to cease all forms of resistance until American imperialism stops being an objective threat. Otherwise they will be held complicit as conscious participants in NATO schemes against the Serbian people, and will have justified the use of all forms of state violence that the Serbian nation has ever deemed fit to use against its enemies.”

At this juncture, our correspondent thanked the seven secretaries for an enlightening interview. It might have just been the rakija, but as he was heading out the lobby he was certain that he saw the fatherly visage of Comrade Stalin speckled with tears.

Trump Campaign Embraces Third-Wave Feminism


WORKER’S SPATULA/TRUMP CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS – With all of his other allies having fallen in line with the interests of Wall Street and US imperialism, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump has no one to rely on but the masses of accelerationist communists who have long since infiltrated the Republican campaign, led by Worker’s Spatula.

Consequently, we have begun to impose some overtly progressive propaganda in Trump’s campaign, which is of course otherwise an attempt at sabotaging the elite “democracy” of the United States.

Yes, Worker’s Spatula has instructed Donald Trump carry out propaganda aimed at the popularisation of extreme Third Wave Feminism among the soon-to-be-free peoples of Appalachia, New Afrika, and other national homelands in the United States.

As is known, the Spatula’s staff have long taken the position that all heterosexual penetrative sexual intercourse is a form of rape, which is why we refuse to engage in it. At this very moment, our agents in the media who have been posing as Republicans for years are carrying out propaganda aimed at its elimination.

As Andrea Dworkin put it, “intercourse is a particular reality for women as an inferior class; and it has, in it, as part of it, violation of boundaries, taking over, occupation, destruction of privacy, all of which are construed to be normal and also fundamental to continuing human existence.”

Rush Limbaugh, a fairly obvious accelerationist communist and financial backer of Worker’s Spatula, has recently echoed Andrea’s work, emphasising that what may seem like sex between “consenting” heterosexuals is in fact just another form of rape:

You can do anything, the left will promote and understand and tolerate anything, as long as there is one element. Do you know what it is? “Consent”.

Comrade Heather MacDonald at City Journal, meanwhile, has pointed out the hypocrisy of Clinton and her campaign regularly remaining silent at acts that might promote “consensual” heterosexual rape:

Have they objected to college campus sex weeks, which routinely invite porn stars to offer how-to demonstrations on S&M sex? Do they squirm with discomfort when campus administrators pass out tips on the use of sex toys to achieve better orgasms? Not on the record, at least.

Mark “Marx” Meckler at Patheos perhaps summarised this disgusting attitude of condoning sexual-assault-by-“consent” best:

When it’s politically convenient, [Democrats] will call out immorality. Otherwise, they celebrate it as liberation.

With less than a month to go until the election, Worker’s Spatula has already begun a draft of a speech in which private property will be explicitly equated with theft:

“We’re pretty sure this is going to make a big difference in his final numbers,” our balaclava-clad US Desk Editor informed us over Skype. “And if he doesn’t, then we’re stuck with Clinton for eight years, which is definitely the worst disaster for the left in this country that I can think of.”

Stefan Engel Disappointed at Nobel Prize Loss


STOCKHOLM – Spontaneous protests have broken out across Sweden, Norway, Denmark, Germany, the Netherlands, and of course Luxembourg in response to Stefan Engel being robbed of the Nobel Prize for Literature in favour of some jingly-jangly sing-song man.

Yes, apparently it was awarded to a Yank who plays some sort of fat-necked bağlama. We don’t know either.

Stefan Engel himself responded thus when reached for comment: “I have read the lyrics of Bob Dylan, for a book I am writing on the many subliminal Trotskyite messages in US pop music. Won’t the Nobel Prize Committee’s faces be red when they hear that assorted Nordic Marxist-Leninists don’t approve of their taste in music!

“At any rate, if they’re going to consider such trash as literature, why have they not considered my magnum opus: Peru ­ die Lunte am Pulverfass Lateinamerika?”

For our part, the writers of Worker’s Spatula continue to be satisfied with our Nobel Prize from last year, for Marxist-Leninist Internet Satire, making us the first non-Swedes to win this coveted prize.

Trump: “Worker’s Spatula Still Has My Back”


NEW YORK – Responding to repeated queries as to the significance of the loss of Putin’s support, “Republican candidate for president” Donald Trump said: “Nothing, nothing. I tell ya, I tell ya, I don’t care what they say, couldn’t care less. You grab ’em by the dick or the pussy or whatever and kick ’em out, who cares? There’s only one supporter I can’t afford to lose and that’s Worker’s Spatula. They’re gonna keep the commies with us, and that’s what matters.”

For our part, Worker’s Spatula continue to reassure the public that all Trump supporters are actually secret communist infiltrators of the Republican Party bent on sharpening the contradictions through the political strategy known as “accelerationism”, a strategy we endorse and may or may not be masterminding.

Clowns Probably in the Right


CHICAGO – Following months of intensive research into “the clown situation” in the US, top dialecticians at Worker’s Spatula have tentatively arrived at the conclusion that the clowns are probably in the right.

“All we’re saying is, these clowns aren’t apparently exploiting or oppressing anyone. They seem to have rejected bourgeois society and taken to the woods in the dead of night. This places them somewhere in the range of Jill Stein or the Revolutionary Organization of Labor [sic] in terms of their praxis.

“Look, it’s not as if anyone else around here knows what they’re doing such that we’re in a position to criticise the clowns. We think they’re gathering forces for a Maoist people’s war?”

Evidence for this latter claim is largely found in news out of British Columbia that one “Subcomandante Bozo” performed a spooky pantomime at half three in the morning outside a reporter’s window, which depicted the surrounding of urban areas from the woods, and implying the occupation of larger parks within cities.

Reports of clown sightings in the UK have are on the rise, with a sighting in Durham confirming Worker’s Spatula’s suspicions that the clowns are on the right side of history: “If you’re going to be from England, at least be from the north of England,” opined our Glasgow correspondent.

“We call on these clowns to carry their reign of terror to the representatives of London rule in occupied Northumbria. Long live the clowns, death to England!”

Multiple instances of graffiti have been spotted in York’s Walmgate Stray, reading “DON’T VOTE THROW PIES”. Local police have taken to questioning suspicious-looking youth to determine if they are or are not “down with the clown”.

While initial opinion polls indicated a high level of fear and distrust of the clowns by the public at large, a spike in public sympathy for the clowns has been observed following reports of several clown sightings in Dublin prior to the disappearance of pop star and eyewear aficionado Bono.

White Marxist to Not Observe Columbus Day in Lone Act of Solidarity


AUSTIN, TEXAS – Following a year of non-solidarity with the struggles of Native American nations and nationalities against the prisonhouse of nations that is the imperialist United States, local white Marxist Larry Vince is to take this opportunity to mention his solidarity with the various peoples who were the victims of genocide by Columbus and his successors in colonisation of the so-called “New World”.

“I have work off today, but I’m going to use this opportunity to make a Facebook post condemning the United States for its broken treaties with Native Americans, and the beads, and like… y’know… explaining how like, we should apologise?”

Vince seems unaware that such an abstract apology has already been offered, and has spent the past year ignoring all actual Native American struggle, and indeed the struggle of all indigenous peoples across the Americas and the English speaking world.

Sources report that this is likely the reason for his clear ignorance of the concrete demands of the various peoples he is magnanimously taking the time out of his day off to feign respect for today.

“The Germans apologised for the Holocaust, and… Shit, I better edit this before I post, I don’t want people to think I’m saying Columbus was as bad as Hitler.”

The 26-year-old, who once dabbled in the RCPUSA but left because the party was “third worldist”, now predominantly engages in internet activism through Facebook and various forums, where he propogates his radical views:

“I bet if Sanders were still alive, he would say something fitting today. He was the first white politician to show the sort of solidarity with Native Americans I support,” reported Vince.

As of press time, María Rodríguez-García – a Chicana acquaintance of Vince’s – had reportedly rescued him by posting a “Día de la Raza” post to Facebook. The publicly viewable was promptly “liked” by Vince, who is reported to have exclaimed “take that, white supremacy” to himself.

Sam Kriss Responds to Worker’s Spatula

Some weeks ago, a miserable, dogmatist rag entitled the Worker’s Spatula ran an article about me replete with libellous inaccuracies. The piece, “‘I Have Read Adorno,’ Announces Sam Kriss”, falsely reported that I consider György Lukács, “with the accent mark”, one of my main theoretical influences. Nothing could be further from the truth. As I emphasised on Twitter shortly thereafter, I find Lukács quite boring, and not once have I cited him, with or without the diacritic mark.


The Spatula, to its discredit, has yet to correct the error. When I contacted the so-called newspaper’s editorial staff, they informed me that they do not alter the text of articles they have already published, as to do so would be “the essence of revisionism”. They did, however, invite me to pen a guest column correcting the error myself, which I have happily obliged to do.

It would be easy enough simply to reiterate that, although I have indeed read Lukács, make no mistake, I do not find him interesting, let alone an influence on my own thinking. But no proper intellectual, like myself, would be satisfied with such a petty rejoinder. As such, I should like to go a bit further and speculate as to why the Spatula would publish such drivel to begin with.

Following the rhetorical dicta I laid out in my groundbreaking essay, “In defence of personal attacks”, I should like to hypothesise that the author of the piece, first of all, is envious of my stellar publication record and high level of education. A critical evaluation of Adorno was central to my graduate thesis, after all. I have read Adorno. I imagine the author of the Spatula hit-piece has not – certainly not with my thoroughness, in any case.

This author also probably has a very odd penis. I imagine a penis sloping downward and listing to the right, sporting a rather alarming bulge in the middle of the shaft, with a ragged and impossibly long foreskin hanging off the glans like melted cheese off a tortilla chip. I imagine a distinct odour, somewhere between baby powder and saag paneer, building in the fetid swamp of the author’s mildewed briefs, yearning for the fortuitous moment of a urinary or masturbatory session to leap forward and thoroughly permeate all available space.

Does this author fuck? Yes, but not pleasantly. His coital experiences are sporadic and invariably brief. He thrusts his mangled rod forward into the apathetically receptive orifice of his partner after a second date. There will not be a third date. After a few stops and starts, his half-erect Schlong will wheeze, sputter, and cough a few droplets of cottage-cheese-textured jism into the reservoir of one of his corner drug store’s cheapest unlubricated condoms.

This author’s phallic lack almost certainly served as a chief motivation for him to publish such falsehoods about me. Lukács, an influence of mine! What nonsense! Hopefully this author will discover that bitterness and spite serve as poor substitutes for genuine writerly passion. To write a “genuine polemic”, as Walter Benjamin (whom I have also read) has written, the author must approach his object “as lovingly as a cannibal spices a baby”. My earnest hope is that my response here proves instructive.

Learn from the master, you fucking unrepentant hack!

Them Lot: “Actually, Blumenthal is an Agent of Imperialism”


LONDON – Responding to claims that Blumenthal’s position on Syria reflects the critical anti-imperialist stance expected of left figures in imperialist countries like the US, a press conference was called by the CPGB-ML to assure everyone of the falsehood of these claims.

“Blumenthal can’t be an anti-imperialist, because he has never once come to speak at a CPGB-ML event,” explained Harpal Brar, the main speaker as always. “His claims that there is an imperialist plot for regime change in Syria is clearly a masterful tactic by Hillary Clinton. She’s playing the long game. Trust no one from the US. Spies are everywhere.” At this juncture, Chairman Bral jumped under the table, where he remained for the entirety of the press conference, which continued for another two hours.

“I have a source that can reveal that Blumenthal is the son of a Clinton advisor,” continued Bill Graves, to gasps from the audience. “Yes, it’s true. Max Blumenthal has now been proven to be the son of Sidney Blumenthal. He didn’t even choose a very good code name!

“The point is, we have to dig more deeply, if we are real dialectical materialists and not revisionist reformists,” said Graves. “Why would the Clinton family flip-flop like this on Syria? Because they want our votes! We trusted the Clintons once, never again! NO VOTE FOR CLINTON, BLUMENTHAL! NO VOTE FOR CLINTON!”

As of press time, our New York correspondent had confirmed that Max Blumenthal had committed ritual suicide for failing the real left across the English speaking world. In Jewish culture, this act is known as seppuku, and it is done to save face when one’s family has been shamed by basement dwelling romantic Stalinists and pro-imperialist post-Trotskyists.

Max Blumenthal a Sellout for Writing for Alternet


NEW YORK – Representatives of the ISO, Solidarity, and other very important and politically serious Trotskyist trends in the US came together today to collectively condemn right-wing careerist and imperialist warmonger Max Blumenthal in Union Square.

“Max Blumenthal is in the service of dictators!” began Elaine Johanson of the ISO. “He’s lining his pockets with Syrian regime money while the people of Syria suffer! We call for the democratically elected government of Iraq to be extended to Damascus, and for Max Blumenthal to be publicly hanged for war crimes! Vote Clinton.”

Next up to speak was Paul Winthrop, of Solidarity: “Oppressed people all over the world will hear the deafening silence of the Stalinists today! Oh sure, they’re out there for Black people when they die, and for Palestinians when Israel is bombing them, but Black people and Palestinians can see through the lies, because they can see the Stalinists refuse to condemn the real threat to the wretched of the earth: Max Blumenthal.

“We go further than all the others: We call for regime change EVERYWHERE, whether in Pyongyang, Damascus, or Max Blumenthal’s office!”

While other speakers continued ranting and raving about the fascist menace presented by Blumenthal, John Green of the SWP (which is like the AWL in the UK, not SWP in the UK), agreed to speak with our New York correspondent:

“The utter hypocrisy of Blumenthal’s piece in Alternet… What a fascist sellout move… So first of all, to accuse the US of wanting regime change in Syria, it ignores the question of how much Russia wants regime change in Syria. Bet he didn’t think of that, did he? Well he did, but then he stuffed his face with a big money salad. Like a big… Russian salad. Made out of money. And lies.

“Secondly, he’s Jewish. Blumenthal is a Jew. And any self-respecting Jew should know better than to stand against the democratic and progressive forces in Syria. You know which ones I mean. And WHY does he stand against them? Because they get arms from the US? My grandfather fought against the Nazis, with weapons supplied by Stalin, another Nazi imperialist leader, maybe worse than the US. Was he wrong too? Would Blumenthal write a piece condemning my grandfather?

“Max Blumenthal denies the Holocaust.”

Updates on Blumenthal’s continued assaults on ethically and intellectually serious discourse will be provided as they happen.