White Britons Told They “Should Do More to Stop Terror”

WhiteBritons

LONDON – The London attack early Monday morning, in which a “white, clean-shaven” man drove a van into Muslims emerging from Ramadan prayers at a masjid in Finsbury Park, killing one and wounding eight, has sent the country once again into shock.

Persons inexplicably given money in order to write newspaper columns were quick to pass judgment.

“What we have here is a failing of the entire White British community,” İbrahim Güneş, a self-appointed terror expert, told the Spatula.

“This man would have been planning this attack surrounded by White British people. He would have been living his life largely surrounded by White British people, and if anyone would have known about his plans to carry out this attack, it would have been White British people.”

“I mean, for God’s sake,” he added. “The van was hired in South Wales or somewhere.”

Welsh commentators were quick to downplay the Welsh connection: “Cardiff and its environs have been invaded by Saxons. The attacker was English. We’re the indigenous Britons, and we’re not the problem. It’s the English you want, they’re the ones who always start all the trouble. We want all white English people deported from Wales for their war on our culture, just as any decent Asian Londoner does. All of our safety is threatened by the English menace. We stand with the victims of this attack and condemn it without reservation,” explained Rhys Jones, a Welsh stereotype and Plaid Cymru spokesperson made up for the purposes of this piece.

Normal, non-white British commentators were unimpressed by Welsh attempts to downplay their culpability: “If you don’t like being lumped in with them, secede already, byti,” chided a passing Somali gentleman, on his way back from buying laver for a traditional Cardiff iftar.

The attack occured around the anniversary of the murder of Member of Parliament and integrated White British person Jo Cox in another terror attack perpetrated by another radicalised White British person.

“There’s a lack of trust we’re seeing among the White British community,” said Rasool Rahman, who writes a column urging that Britain start foreign wars in Christian countries every Thursday for The Times.

“White Britons really have to come out and ask their friends, to their family members: did you vote UKIP? And if they did, they need to tell MI5.”

“Neither should we hold back from challenging White Britons around us as to whether they’re planning this type of terrorist atrocity.”

Urging calm, Shadow Home Secretary and national treasure Diane Abbott has assured the nervous British public that White British extremism will not be tolerated, and security services are closely monitoring pubs across the country in response to the attack.

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Scandal as Labour Leaks Plan to Crown Gary Donnelly King

KingGary

LONDON – “I don’t understand!” cried Corbyn, slamming his fist against the wall of his Islington bunker. “They kept trying to link us to the Provos, and what could make it more clear where we stand on them than this?”

“I know, I know…” concurred Diane Abbott. “And we’re even taking an interest in Buckingham Palace, the media is just really unfair to us.”

For hours, sources across the political spectrum in the UK have been reacting with shock and horror to a leaked plan to replace Queen Elizabeth II with Gary Donnelly, who would be crowned King Gary I, King of the Irish Isles.

“You see why I keep emphasising the national interest now, don’t you?” explained noted wheat field runner and part-time Prime Minister Theresa May to the Spatula’s Downing Street correspondent. “None of you believed me, until now, but now you see it. Are you going to let Corbyn bring a Papist into Buckingham Palace?”

“I tried to warn you,” agreed noted Welsh national embarrassment Owen Smith. “I’m as radical as the next one, but this is not how you win elections. I want a Northern Irish monarch as much as Corbyn does, but compromise is key. We could’ve chosen someone from the UDA, for example.”

Reaction from the occupied North of Ireland, however, has been quite positive, with the notable exception of Gary Donnelly himself, who has denied all claims of any connection between himself and Jeremy Corbyn. The RIRA have released a video claiming that they have “thousands” of weapons stashed in Buckingham Palace that they hope to be able to retrieve. INLA, for their part, released a video with similar claims, with the noteworthy difference that they plan to immediately decommission the weapons after retrieving them.

Provisional Sinn Féin, for their part, are ecstatic about this latest development in the saga of Irish Republicanism within the Party of Labour:

“With an Irish monarch in power, we can finally legitimise entering the Palace of Westminster. We look forward to bringing down the Union Jack and raising the tricolour over Londain with the help of our comrade-in-arms, John McDonnell.”

Qantas Under Fire for “Gay Orgy” Plane Sections on all International Flights

Qantas

PERTH – Following Margaret Court’s widely publicised action, official representatives from the Victory Life Centre have issued an official statement calling for a boycott of Qantas by all Australians who have not lost their “moral compass”, owing to the firm’s controversial instalment of “Gay Orgy” sections in all aeroplanes used for international flights.

“We had looked the other way when Qantas announced they would be following European practice and equipping all international flights with a dedicated section for orgies. Obviously we wouldn’t recommend churchgoers take part in the orgies, but technically going through that section on the way to the toilet is no different from walking down a Perth beach on any given Saturday night.

“But when Margaret Court alerted us that dedicated sections had also been installed, we had to intervene. We can’t let Australia descend deeper into the Sodomite mire than it already has.

“Honestly we should’ve cut this all off when men started attended Kylie Minogue concerts,” the church spokesman said, taking a hearty swig from his bottled water.

Pauline Hanson’s favourite “Muslim” made sure to take this opportunity to insert himself into the news: “I just want everyone to know that I acknowledge the role of radical Islam in imposing homosexual depravity on decent, Christian Australians,” said Imam Tawhidi.

Qantas responded to our request for an interview with a corporate representative. That interview is reproduced in full below:

WS: G’day. How’re you doing?

QANTAS: All right. Yourself?

WS: All right. Would you say that Qantas was motivated by a general trend of openly queer bourgeois individuals and a desire to draw such class elements into the mainstream of the capitalist ideological apparatus so as to provide a pro-system outlet for queer youth in Australia who might be getting into radical ideas? Or did someone on the board, or one of their cousins, get hitched recently?

QANTAS: What an incredibly cynical question. No, no, no. Our considerations were neither personal nor financial. It’s just simply the right thing to do.

WS: So we should ignore your CEO, Alan Joyce’s comments, then? Qantas has now adopted a general pro-human rights stance, then?

QANTAS: No, you misunderstand. It’s the right thing to do from the perspective of our role as a front for the Queer International in Australia. This is us crossing the Rubicon.

WS: How do you mean?

QANTAS: Isn’t it obvious? There’s no space in passenger aircraft for multiple orgy sections and non-orgy seating. The entire plane is going to be one massive genderqueer orgy.

WS: Crikey.

QANTAS: Indeed. And don’t think we’ll stop because some washed-up tennis star doesn’t like it. We’re going to turn our entire fleet, domestic flights too, into queer fuckfests.

WS: Wouldn’t this simply drive large sections of Australia to seek out alternatives from your competitors?

QANTAS: They can seek all they like, but you know better than most interviewers I’ve been sat down with this week that capitalism trends towards monopoly. We’re buying them all up, trains, planes, and buses. We plan to make it impossible to travel around Australia without witnessing or taking part in a massive queer orgy by the end of 2018.

WS: Ambitious stuff. What would you say to those who claim that this is simply fetishism of a particular site of social marginalisation that, if it achieved status as dominant social practice, would simply be normalised within the structures of exploitation and oppression that we already experience?

QR: Likely, possible… But it’s certainly funny to watch Margaret Court squirm in the meanwhile, isn’t it?

WS: Fair point. Well, that’s all for my questions. Any closing statement?

QR: Crush the heteropatriarchy. Fly Qantas.

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Humourless Marxist Reviews: Band Aid

BandAid

“Band Aid” is actor Zoe Lister-Jones’s first foray into directing, and a bold foray it was. Not only did she manage to pull off the twin duties of actor and director with significant skill for a first timer, but she did so with an all-woman crew, a choice which makes perfect sense when one considers that Band Aid is a dramatic retelling of the story of Yenigün Müzik Topluluğu, the “women’s choir” Turkish musical group best known for writing songs about 1990s MLKP martyrs.

Set in the United States, this dramatic retelling imagines what it would be like if the Istanbul-based group had been formed in California. And somehow it works! Despite lacking the obvious context of Gazi Mahallesi, watching Lister-Jones’s depiction of dozens of young people raise their fists to martyr songs brought a tear to the eyes of everyone in the audience at our special and exclusive Worker’s Spatula screening of the director’s cut of the film.

Watching “Band Aid” was a unique glimpse into the personal experiences of the women who would go on to sing songs of the struggle within Yenigün Müzik Topluluğu. The role of women in all parts of struggle, the role of arts in morale and healing, the motivation to carry on against all odds in the memory of the lost children whose laughter will be our revenge, truly this is a film that can make even the most foreign leftist feel right at home in this story of Turkish militants. It is astonishing how Lister-Jones is able to tie in music and everyday struggle so masterfully, to the point where the escalation of violence in concert with progressively more melancholy music feels the only natural choice for the audience.

*SPOILER ALERT*

Truly nothing can match the feeling of revolutionary determination one feels together with Lister-Jones’s character in the final scene where she approaches George Zimmerman, to avenge Trayvon Martin’s death by detonating the bomb strapped to her own body. Right at the moment of the detonation, the screen goes black and the soundtrack is silent, and you can hear the people on each side of you breathing, before “Yasemin” starts playing.

Hardcore stuff.

Speaking of bodies and “hardcore”, though, it was a bit unfair that we didn’t get to see Adam Pally’s erect penis during the nude scenes. What gives, Zoe?

Worker’s Spatula Ayatollah Clarifies Acts Prohibited During Ramadan Fast

Ramadan

BAGHDAD – During his traditional start-of-Ramadan address, Grand Ayatollah Hussein al-Sibatula has reiterated the importance of the Ramadan fast to communists around the world, and in particular the importance for the anti-revisionist faithful in refraining from all forbidden acts.

“No sex, which you shouldn’t be having even outside of Ramadan, unless you want to end up like the Iraqi Communist Party. No masturbation, intellectual or sexual, even after sunset. Obviously no food or drink, until the adhan sounds and it is time to feast upon bream and masgouf.

“No leather shoes,” added Ayatollah al-Sibatula, lest anyone forget.

“May Allah shower blessings upon those who complete the fast successfully,” the learned cleric continued to the assembled Bolshevik crowd. “Many of you will be in Sinjar, with the Yezidis, who will not be fasting. If you persevere, inşallah all your deviations of the past year will be forgiven.

“Naturally Ramadan is not only about the fast. It is a time for reflection on Allah’s mercy and the teachings in the Holy Qur’an and the writings of Vladimir Lenin. When Allah revealed His truth to our prophets, He knew that we would be tested. He tests us with the Ramadan fast, just as He tests us with the followers of Muawiyah, Trotsky, and Tito. But in the face of all these tests, we must be pure, in obedience to Allah. Purify your bodies, but also purify your minds, and your practice. Do not slander, do not backbite. Do not deviate to the left, or to the right. Do not engage in voluntarism, sectarianism, or opportunism.

“Whosoever can make it through all of Ramadan without speaking ill of the other three Worker’s Spatula organisations will be forgiven for all the dumb satire they have written, and their organisation will be blessed with many new and disciplined cadre.

“As Allah has willed, you have all made your niyyah. May Allah accept each and every one of your fasts, and may your newspapers be widely read. May the dialectic resolve all contradictions in your favour, and may the workers and oppressed peoples of the world unite.”

“Amin,” responded the gathered communists, reverently, before standing and shuffling out of the mosque, the cleric’s words weighing heavily on their minds for the rest of the day.

Allah bütün oruç tutanların orucunu kabul etsin. –Worker’s Spatula

Point/Counterpoint: Iranian Elections

IranElection

Point: We Must Support Rouhani as the Communist Candidate for Iran

by Worker’s Spatula Representative

Iran is a complicated place, with multiple nations living within its borders, a severely repressed trade unionist movement with roots going back decades, and extremely difficult contradictions with regard to women’s issues. There is no easy answer to the many problems that face Iran, from secularism to socialism, and we must make tactical compromises.

Under the current conditions, it seems that the Rouhani presidency can still play a progressive role. While there can be no substitute for a movement of the streets for Iranian comrades on the ground, they too would reluctantly agree that Rouhani represents the most progressive force possible at his level of “big” politics.

As one of the founders of the Worker’s Spatula Centre for Shariati Studies, I have long had a keen interest in Iran and its politics. As a supporter of the ICMLPO (Unity and Struggle), I am deeply interested in contradictions in the international arena. That’s why, in spite of my many criticisms of Mr. Rouhani, I have nothing but the strongest support for his plan to heal old wounds between our movement and the regime by promoting Hamid Reza Chitgar’s daughter as his choice for the next Supreme Leader of the Islamic Republic of Iran, following the death of Khamenei.

In spite of the Iranian regime’s many flaws, and many compromises with imperialism which possessed an opportunistic rather than tactical character, there is still hope for Iran, even within reformist elements of the regime. Rouhani’s recent interview in which he described Ebrahim Raisi as “a proponent of the revisionist Three Worlds Theory” represents such a hope.

Vote Rouhani in the upcoming Iranian elections, the only candidate who has read Alain Badiou!

Counterpoint: Vote Rouhani to Stem the Tide of Counter-Revolution!

by Twitter Left Representative

Iran is not a complicated country, with so-called “multiple nations” (as all true Marxist-Leninists know, this is an impossibility, as there can only be one Iranian nation), or so-called “contradictions”. It is quite simply this: the most heroic, self-sacrificing anti-imperialist state in the world!

Iran is the greatest, and anyone who criticises Iran for any reason is probably a Trot. Not only do the masses of Iranians wholly support their regime, which is almost as socialist as Syria or China, but the downtrodden peoples in all neighbouring countries, whether Iraq, Afghanistan, or Pakistan, all agree that Iran has always rushed to their defence in times of need.

Since Iran is good, and not bad, any challenge to the established order in Iran is plainly a plot by US imperialism, and must be fiercely opposed. Therefore, anyone who votes for, or encourages a vote for, or stands as a candidate against the legitimate President of the Islamic Republic of Iran, is an objective agent of US imperialism, and a wrecker who deserves no fate gentler than immediate execution.

To those who even dream of discussing what the effect of any change to the government in Iran might mean for the position of Supreme Leader following the latter’s death, know this: If the Supreme Leader of the Islamic Republic of Iran chooses to die at any point, this too represents an act of collusion with US imperialism. I call on Supreme Leader Sayyid Ali Hosseini Khamenei to resolutely stand against the US imperialist plot of ageing and death, and instead live on forever, in hiding, much like Muhammad al-Mahdi.

In conclusion: Vote Rouhani for stability in the face of the Kurdish and Baloch ethno-nationalist plots of objective agents of US imperialism, like Worker’s Spatula.

Happy Mother’s Day from Worker’s Spatula

IvanaMama

“Happy Mother’s Day, Mom!”

“Oh, thank you so much sweetie, you really didn’t have to…”

“Go on, Mom, open it, open it!”

Worker’s Spatula’s Oakland correspondent watched excitedly as her mother opened up the long box.

“It looks like some kind of bazooka!” exclaimed our correspondent’s mother, sitting up in bed. Our correspondent rolled her eyes:

“Mom, don’t be ignorant, a Kalashnikov and a bazooka are entirely different weapons.”

“Well I’ve never held one of either before, have I?”

“Mom, we’ve got to fight ISIS.”

“I thought we were going out for mimosas!”

“We’re going to have brunch on the flight to Iraq, which I’ve also paid for.”

“Oh shoot, I don’t know about all that. I had really just wanted some mimosas and maybe some avocado toast.”

“Mom, don’t you see, what we’re fighting for is the right of all women to drink mimosas. We’re fighting to the defence of Yezidi children from the fascist ISIS thugs. This is for the Cumartesi Anneleri and the democratic revolution in Turkey, not only the Roja Rizgariyê of the ezilen Kürt halkı. This is the most dialectical Mother’s Day gift I could possibly give you!”

“[REDACTED], I don’t want you to misunderstand me on this, because you know I support you in all your little… projects, but I don’t actually know what some of those words mean. I’m pretty sure a few of them weren’t actually English.”

At this juncture, our Oakland correspondent snatched the rifle from her mother’s hands. “Whatever, Mom.”

“No, I didn’t mean to say I didn’t like it!”

“WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN, MOM? WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO LIKE SOMETHING? IT’S OBVIOUS THAT YOU DON’T SEE YOUR REFLECTION IN IT! YOU’RE ALIENATED FROM MY WONDERFUL MOTHER’S DAY GIFT OF REVOLUTION, WHICH MEANS I HAVE FAILED AS A DAUGHTER AND AS A REVOLUTIONARY VANGUARD.”

“No, you’re a wonderful voluntary van guard! Really!”

“I don’t WANT to be a voluntarist, mother!” shrieked our correspondent, letting off several rounds into the ceiling in rage. “God, I wish I was never born!”

Our correspondent’s mother sat in silence in her bedroom, watching the dust float down from the bullet holes in the ceiling.

[REDACTED] poked her head back through the doorway sheepishly, “So, um… should I go get the car and we can go get some omelettes or something?”

“That sounds wonderful, sweetie. I’ll just get dressed real quick.”

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY TO ALL OUR COMRADE MOTHERS WHO HAVE MADE US WHO WE ARE TODAY.

SOLIDARITY WITH THE CUMARTESİ ANNELERİ.

Jeremy Corbyn Announces Plan to Run Over Reactionaries in Bus

bus

ISLINGTON – Announcing what is already promising to be his most popular policy yet, Jeremy Corbyn says he plans to travel around in a “For the Many, Not the Few” bus and run over reactionary scum.

“The BBC cameraman’s foot was just the beginning. You won’t believe all the bastards I’m going to run over once I really get going,” the leader of the British Party of Labour explained, quite Hoxhaistly, to the assembled crowd of reporters.

“This is empty populism,” explained local Real Revolutionary™ and member of the RCG Sean Davies, “Corbyn’s just exploiting popular support for the reasonable policy of running down various imperialist warmongers and capitalist exploiters in a big red bus so that he can keep using the British state’s funds to maintain his Islington bunker.

“You can’t run down imperialists in an imperialist bus. It simply won’t work. It’s against the laws of dialectics.”

Critics within the Labour Party are concerned with the prospects for future electability presented by an election platform based upon the destruction of the bodies of various reactionaries under the tyres of a massive red bus, concerns Corbyn has refuted as “irrelevant” on the grounds that “This hasn’t got anything to do with the election in the first place, it is simply a principled stance.

“I intend to run over reactionaries no matter the result of this or any future election, because I believe in a Labour Party built upon principles of vehicular homicide for the enemies of ordinary working people.”

Jeremy Corbyn was last seen leaning out the window of the “For the Many, Not the Few” bus, feeling the wind and sea on his face as he drove across the English Channel, screaming “You’re next, Erdoğan, you ayran-drinking bastard!”

 

French Anti-Fascist Front to be Built Around Racist Austerity with a Human Face

NaziMacron

PARIS – Informed and reasonable people across France and in sympathetic imperialist countries are urging all French voters to come out for Macron in the Second Round of the French elections, in which voters will be asked to choose their preferred candidate in a system of run-off voting which, for the unfamiliar, basically prolongs the experience in countries without run-off voting.

Individuals who describe themselves as “socialist, but not in a mad way” are united around the view that Macron must be fervently supported to prevent Le Pen from being elected, although they are less able to articulate why the Le Pen dynasty is such a consistent threat to their estimably reasonable political positions, election year after election year.

What they did know was that Macron will certainly be better for the people living in France:

“I’ve done the maths, and my estimates indicate that we may be able to reduce the number of people killed on the basis of social policy which devalues their very lives by as much as a third if they are murdered for their social class rather than their race, colour, creed, etc.” explained utilitarian philosopher and stats boffin Jules Liechtenstein. “In addition, the high rate of suicide due to the unemployment Macron would create, plus the unnecessary deaths due to his defunding of public services like healthcare, would be dragged out over many years. That’s a big savings in life-years and a potential increase in Gross National Happiness when compared to the death camps Le Pen is proposing.”

“There are those who propose that the death camps would be better for Gross National Happiness on the grounds that French life is already such a miserable charade, such a farce, such a fucking je ne sais quoi of immiseration and despair, that maybe the sooner we’re all rounded up, the better. This is a clearly uninformed position, as the hours prior to suicide may be spent drinking lovely wine in a lovely park; while in a death camp, the scenery is generally considered to be unpleasant and the wine sub-par, and the whole experience therefore somewhat detrimental to the happiness averages.”

Our local correspondent interjected at this point: “Isn’t it true that black and Muslim French people will be killed by fascistic police in either case, and that thousands of refugees already languish in inhumane conditions in detention centres?”

“Of course,” replied Liechtenstein. “But be reasonable. That’s just the way things are, we’ve got to prevent fascist ideas from gaining a foothold in French politics now.”

Worker’s Spatula’s English correspondents found a general solidarity with the reasonable descendents of Maximilien Robespierre in academic haunts of England as well: Trevor Stutts, a liberal Professor of Trade Union Studies at the University of Sunderland said: “I’ve long said that if the left want to stop the right, they have to just close their eyes and just vote for whatever the right wants them to vote for, no matter how awful it is. What’s more, I’ve proven this logically.” At this juncture, Stutts gestured over to a flip chart bearing the formula “Fascism minus Epsilon > Fascism”.

“Anyone who understands basic maths and logic can see that if the far left simply choose to act rationally, unlike Slavoj Žižek and other such ultra-left radicals, they will take a firm stand against fascism by embracing its acceptable “social” form.”

Asked whether he had plans to vote in the upcoming British General Elections, Prof. Stutts said he couldn’t possibly bring himself to vote for a Labour Party candidate who wouldn’t even wear a proper suit.

Erkan Baş Speech Briefly Interrupted by Splitters

Erkan

İSTANBUL/STEMBOL – As Erkan Baş, the leader of the Communist Party of Turkey (also known as HTKP), took to the stage at the International Workers’ Day celebration in Bakırköy (Kurdish: Gundê Bekir), a group of neo-Trotskyite splitters from the TKP calling themselves “KP” began jeering at TÖPG’s favourite Brezhnevite, doubtless driven by jealousy of Erkan Baş’s formidable moustache.

“This is truly unacceptable,” explained leader of the KP pack and occasional reader of Nazım Hikmet poetry Emre Tokatçı to an EMEP-affiliated* Worker’s Spatula correspondent in attendance. “We only came because we thought we were going to be the centre of attention. If anyone is going to mention any other communists in Turkey, we’re going home.”

Following the completion of this sentence, all assembled KP members indeed began marching home, to the comfort of the Nazım Hikmet Kültür Merkezi in Ali Suavi Sk. (AKA Sanatçılar Sokağı) in Kadıköy.

For our foreign readers, the NHKM is a magical place where nobody ever mentions Kurds or popular fronts or any other such right deviationist nonsense.

By sheer coincidence, this move to abandon the International Workers’ Day celebration also meant that KP avoided any confrontation with the fascist Turkish police whatsoever.

The KP’s sister party in Greece, KKE, responded immediately with a statement condemning the entire Turkish left for “failing to defend KP, at a time when the sharpest and clearest contradiction in Turkish society is the defence of Kemal Okuyan”.

The Turkish Ministry of the Interior has issued a statement encouraging all young communists who insist on wasting their time with “that nonsense” to side with KP against all rivals (whether HTKP, TKP 1920, or KP-İÖ, if they still exist). The Turkish Foreign Ministry, meanwhile, has issued a statement encouraging all foreigners to simply ignore the whole affair, and indeed, anything that is not printed in an official AKP-approved press release.

*ESP and Devrimci Parti were mostly embedded in the fight for Taksim.