All Trump Wants for Chanukkah is a United 32 County Socialist Transjordan

AllIwantForChanukkah

JERUSALEM/AL-QUDS – Following the usual misinterpretation of Comrade Trump’s progressive accelerationist views in the FAKE NEWS MEDIA, Worker’s Spatula, the only honest news source in the English language, and the true force behind the election of Comrade Trump, are forced to once again set the record straight.

“I love you Worker’s Spatula kids, you’re the best, really I love you, can I say how much, is anybody seeing this?” exclaimed the Donald to a cheering crowd in Jerusalem, as he motioned to the small Worker’s Spatula contingent standing in the front row, waving our red Spatula and Sickle flag. “These are the only ones who tell it like it is, don’t you all listen to the rest, it’s all FAKE NEWS!

“Sad!” added the President of the imperialist United States of AmeriKKKa.

“So as I was saying: Tel Aviv is no capital, because the Zionist entity is entirely illegitimate,” explained Trump, to the crowd of Hebrew and Arab socialists who had poured into the streets to hear the only hope for the US speak on the important political questions of their region. “We won’t accept their phony two-state solution, because our only goal is a united, thirty-two county socialist republic encompassing all of Transjordan! We’re going to build an Phalaistín Nua, we’re going to do it by Chanukkah, and we’re going to make the Brits pay for it!

“Mr. Netanyahu, tear down this wall!”

The PFLP greeted the announcement warmly, and called upon all Trump supporters and other enemies of the Zionists to join them in their renewed struggle against the occupation, until Palestine should be free, from sea to shining Dead Sea, and then well into the fucking desert where the British occupational authorities drew some arbitrary jagged straight-line borders.

The PFLP’s statement underlined, however, that those borders are sacred, because there is a Syrian nation which is the same thing as the Syrian state. As a citation, we were referred to “the noted Middle East experts in the CPGB-ML.”

Meanwhile, across that border, the THKP-C/MLSPB took a break from their busy schedule of armed propaganda to release the following press statement in response to the rapidly escalating developments in Palestine:

Our fighters are being stretched thin across all the fronts we have to fight on, but we’re extremely hopeful. Not long ago we were saying that Rojava is the Bekaa Vadisi of the 21st century. Now the entire Arab geography is being opened up to more and more opportunities for armed struggle and everyday resistance.

We are confident that the revolutionary masses of this great geography will soon join us in our rightful struggle. We are right, we will win.

We encourage all our trench comrades in Turkey and Kurdistan to study the Arabic language, and be ready for struggle at any time from Yemen to Tunisia.

There are those cowards and reformists who fear the coming storm which will consume the old order across the Arab world. To them we say: how many months ago was ISIS a threatening spectre which was expected to pull all of the region into its barbaric sway. But thanks to the determination of everyday working people, of the poor and oppressed, of the Kurdish guerrillas and the Marxist-Leninists of Turkey, ISIS were beaten back and now Raqqah has fallen.

Fear not the coming struggle, comrades! Was it not Mahir Çayan who said:

“There is great chaos under heaven; the situation is excellent.”

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Communist Has Encyclopedic Knowledge of Left Despite Not Having Left Bed in Years

depressedsmoking

KING’S LYNN, NORFOLK – Worker’s Spatula have spent much of 2017 corresponding with [REDACTED], who asked not to be referred to by her real name, Twitter handle, or even any of the various pseudonyms under which she writes, owing to a completely unwarranted but nevertheless less extremely potent anxiety about her own intellectual abilities. The comrade, whom we shall refer to as ‘Comrade X’, has become well known as England’s foremost expert on the international revolutionary movement. She is constantly sought after for her observations and insights on civil wars, occupations, and unrest around the world, despite her inability to leave her own bed and exit the house.

When discussing her political awakening over encrypted chat with the Worker’s Spatula East Anglia correspondent, she identified the 2011 UK student uprising in minute detail. The detail was so breathtaking and covered so many different events and locales that our correspondent was curious about her specific role: “Oh I was having a bit of a bad patch at that time, and couldn’t be arsed to get out of bed”, explained ‘Comrade X’, whose life had been a series of bad patches, seemingly without respite, “so I couldn’t go on the day but my friends told me all about it.”

Having dropped out of university in 2012 due to ongoing mental health difficulties, and the complete lack of support and understanding from tutors, lecturers, support staff, and the administration, ‘Comrade X’ spends her days reading ICOR press releases and debates in her parents semi-detached three-bedroom house.

Despite seemingly never leaving the house, ‘Comrade X’ is now the most theoretically developed cadre in England, having moved swiftly from NSM anarchism, through Dengism, Twitter Brezhnevism, Third Worldist Maoism, autonomism, Guevarism, and finally arriving at the healing light of Hoxhaist anti-revisionism with Apoist tendencies.

While actually existing “Marxist” organisations in the UK continue to debate whether the Labour Party can establish socialism by forming a government, or whether the possibility of a coming Labour government is the sole impediment to the construction of socialism, or whether Scottish independence ‘divides the British working class’, heroic ‘Comrade X’ has seen the dialectic of history as it materially relates to her country and its manifold contradictions, with the one unfortunate shortcoming that as she is too depressed to go outside, she cannot actualise this advanced theory in praxis.

When asked about her future plans, ‘Comrade X’ stated that she was learning Turkish so she could better understand what exactly Bolşevik Parti and TİKB’s positions on the MLKP are, so that she can angrily give her views on them to her approximately 100 Twitter followers around the world, and nobody else.

Additionally, she plans to take the DWP to court after being kicked off of ESA due to being able to walk 5 steps in her work capability assessment, despite having detailed medical evidence supplied from numerous doctors and psychiatrists that work would be impossible for her, and detrimental to her well-being and recovery.

Greetings to you, ‘Comrade X’, and good luck in your struggle with modern revisionism, as well as your struggle with your own life, which is seemingly weightier still!

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Suicide Hotline Hold Time Gives Communist Chance to Think About Death

theOTHERtikb

CW: A more or less unchanged description of an actual suicide attempt.

CAMBRIDGE, MASSACHUSETTS – Following a weeks-long spiral of despair, PhD student Özgür Ğ. attempted suicide earlier this afternoon, by trying to hang himself with his Kurdish pûşî in a dark classroom at Harvard University.

A tear in the pûşî caused our Alınteri-reading hero to tumble to the ground in what would, under other circumstances, be a comical display, punctuated by Siri calling out to him, having mistaken the fall for an attempt to activate the smartphone assistant app.

“Siri, suicide hotline!” exclaimed Özgür into the dark room as he dusted himself off.

By about the tenth minute into hold time, Özgür’s dark thoughts had not dissipated, only crystalised into their expected ideological form.

“If I die like this, isn’t it even more worthless than my pointless life as a petty bourgeois academic?” Özgür wondered to himself as the hold time dragged on, picturing himself going out in a blaze of glory, confronting the fascist Turkish state, TİKB saflarında. “A guerrilla’s death, that would be the suicide for me.”

The hold time continued to drag on, while Özgür began picturing his insignificant life being snuffed out in ever more newsworthy and heroic contexts.

“If I became another Suphi Nejat, the Maoists would feel so bad about all the times they made fun of me,” thought Özgür, as he waited for the suicide hotline to pick up for the 23rd minute. “I wonder what Yankees do during this wait time? Probably they just kill themselves like they originally planned. Truly Marxism-Leninism is a lofty ideology, to have provided me with such a greater potential meaning to my coming death during this important moment of clarity.”

Özgür’s heroic pontifications, alongside the suicide hotline, were cut off by a ding on his smartphone alerting him he had received another e-mail from his advisor:

Dear Özgür,

I’m sorry to say that over the past few weeks I’ve noticed a sharp decline in the quality and quantity of your work

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Human Nature Discovered

DNA

MUNICH – Top sciencers at the Bourgeois Institute for Legitimate Facts in Munich, Bavaria today announced a breakthrough in evolutionary biology: the confirmation of the existence of human nature, the immutable genetic source of class divisions in our unchanging society. One representative, Doktor Hans Rheinmüller, addressed the assembled press, including a Worker’s Spatula correspondent, earlier today.

“We’ve long known that humans are greedy, which is a technical term for the fact that no human can ever be truly happy if others are not starving and doing without. Economists, biologists, geneticists, photographers, and IT technicians have long agreed on this obvious fact. However, rogue evolutionary biologists with obvious communist sympathies have recently begun to claim that in spite of these facts, which they acknowledge as anyone with common sense would, it may be possible to either mitigate greed, or to evolve past it.

“After extensive genetic testing and review of the fossil record, we have discovered that the Neanderthals lacked the ‘greed’ gene, which was what actually allowed Homo sapiens to drive the Neanderthals extinct. Any attempt to create a society without exploitation or genetically modify humans to remove the ‘greed’ gene would likewise result in our rapid extinction at the hands of some aggressively bourgeois society. Perhaps space aliens, or the French.

“Likewise, those who suggest that state force could be used to in any way mitigate this intrinsic and scientifically proven feature of our eternal human nature, or even that a progressive tax plan should be put in place at present to alleviate poverty or combat climate change, are proven wrong by our extensive research on Homo floresiensis, which reveal that this species of human went extinct following a stock market crash brought about by socialism, the source of all crises in capitalism, the otherwise stable economic system of which socialism is a merely communist-inflected form.

“I will not be taking any questions,” concluded Doktor Rheinmüller, before retiring to his study to continue writing his physics-based rebuttal of the absurd fantasy tome, Capital, by Karl Marx.

Stefan Engel immediately arrived on the scene to comment, uninvited.

“What can we say, comrades? We’ve been proven wrong. These real and meaningful critiques come from a scientific perspective, and shatter our fantastic philosophy once and for all. Probably I will become an investment banker now, and I encourage all my former comrades of the MLPD to give me all their money to invest, the profits of which will not be shared with them, as is only natural and therefore right and fair.”

Slavoj Žižek surprised the world by taking a contrarian stance: “I am tempted to say the opposite,” hissed the Slovene from a bar in downtown Ljubljana, where he had been drinking with our local Balkan correspondent since 10 AM, totally by coincidence. “I propose that what is actually said, in the explicit form, is in fact, contrarily, within the totality of itself, meaningless. That is to say, simply because, and I don’t mean to be offensive I have many feminist friends, simply because human nature has been proven, does this mean that we are in fact, required to be human?

“I propose that the opposite is in fact the case. That we must refuse to take part in human nature precisely because, and here is the point, because of what humanity is being defined as by scientists.”

“My god!” he concluded, before downing the remainder of his beer and stumbling back to the bar.

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Ultraleftist to Abolish Time

TimeIsTooExpensive

MELBOURNE – Victoria University philosophy student and Auckland transplant Norm Thompson continues his quest to develop revolutionary science to still greater heights:

“As we all know,” began Thompson, speaking to the “Marxism-Leninism-Maoism Reading Group” at VU, “the one problem with the heroic Khmer Rouge, which abolished money, is that the money itself is not the source of exploitation and surplus value. Class goes deeper than that.”

The assembled Aussie reds all nodded in solemn agreement.

“Money is just a particular manifestation of the universal problem of class society: that those who have exploit those who have not. The rich lead lives which they determine for themselves, while stealing the lives of the poor masses, hour by hour.

“The solution, comrades, is obvious: we must abolish time itself.”

The ensuing eruption of violence claimed the lives of several Maoist university students. Thompson and his supporters within the reading group fled into the hallway, firing backwards at the RIM faithful who defended themselves with a hail of gunfire of their own: “ULTRALEFTS OUT! THE RED SUN OF MARXISM-LENINISM-MAOISM WILL NEVER SET!” screamed Fatima Yusufi as she blasted at the fleeing Pol Potists from behind the table she had knocked over.

Under a tree outside, Thompson continued lecturing to his two supporters, who kept one eye on the door behind them, hands on their weapons, in case the Maoists pursued them to continue armed polemics: “Of course, we cannot abolish time without abolishing the conditions which allow time to continue to exist and be divided unevenly between the bourgeoisie and the proletariat.”

“And what, Chairman Norm, are those conditions?” enquired one of Thompson’s supporters, as he reloaded his weapon from behind the tree while the other kept his weapon trained on the front door.

“I subscribe to the ‘growing block universe’ theory of time. The process of becoming that spacetime undergoes is itself the dialectic of history. In my view, this is why the Voluntary Human Extinction Movement is bourgeois: it understands a need to abolish that which actually exists by destroying humanity. But class struggle will continue on other planets, despite what the Posadists claim.

The only way to properly reach the end of history is to actually end history and time altogether. The conditions by which time and therefore exploitation is allowed to exist is the objective material existence of the universe. Destroy the universe, destroy time, end exploitation, full nihilist communism.”

The next morning, startled students awoke to find the walls of Victoria Place absolutely covered in graffiti demanding the immediate end of time.

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Point/Counterpoint: Trotskyism

Trotskyism

Point: You’re a Trot!

by Communist Party of Australia Representative

Dear fucking God. I thought I had seen some Trots in my day, but this is a bridge too far: how dare you disagree with me, you fucking Trot! Only a Trot would question China’s socialism, only a Trot would imply something was wrong with the Soviet Union, and only a Trot would tell me to ‘read my Marx’! I know a Trot when I see one, you bastard, and you’re a fucking Trot!

We’ve had it up to here with Trots in Australia, and I can’t believe I’m wasting some of my precious time here in Germany, the land of Bertolt Brecht, heroic killer of Trots, talking to a Turkish Trot like you!

Off about your Trot business, you Trot!

Counterpoint: No, you’re a Trot!

by Maoist Communist Party (Turkey/North Kurdistan) Representative

You fucking Australian labour aristocrat pseudo-revolutionary! Clearly it’s YOU who is the Trot here. You are a representative of the modern revisionist Trotskyite Menshevik neo-opportunist front that must be brought down.

You aren’t struggling against fascism, you aren’t fighting in Dêsım, and Trotsky didn’t do either of those things either. Case closed, now do you have a cigarette by any chance?

Counter-counterpoint: Comrades, don’t you see who the real Trots are?

by Stefan Engel

Comrades, we all have our differences, and we should, nein, must struggle through them to reach a higher level of truth and unity. But for too long have we argued about who are the real Trots in our midst. We too have wasted precious hours attacking the DKP, but the real question is this: if Trotsky were alive today, which party would he support?

In their pseudo-radical posturing, in their empty anti-austerity politics that fail to confront the imperialist state which imposes the austerity, we all know who the real Trots are: Die Linke. Die Linke are the only Trots in our midst today.

So make haste comrades, tomorrow is for the debate, today is for the ice axes! Ice axes for Die Linke!

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Sanders Raises Eyebrows with Campaign to “Make America Great Again”

make america great again

BURLINGTON, VERMONT – Bernie Sanders surprised many today by announcing his candidacy for President of the United States in the 2020 election, running on a campaign to “Make America Great Again”.

“I think I speak for all Americans when I say that things were better in the ’50s, with the more Keynesian economic policies, and the post-war togetherness, that we all, equally enjoyed,” explained the presidential hopeful to an assembled crowd in his adopted hometown of Burlington, Vermont whose number dwarfs that of all genuine Clinton supporters the world over.

“While I did actually win the 2016 election, and remain the only politician who is actually popular across the United States, I think we can all agree that 2020 is the year in which we can make everyone recognise America’s potential. Trump didn’t have the guts to identify the era in which America was previously great, but I will: it was the New Deal, and post-WWII reconstruction, and the Golden Era of Browder and Browderism. That’s what socialism is about, that’s what America is about, and we can make it great again.”

The DSA have been bowled over the announcement, with three distinct trends emerging in response. The rightmost trend, representing the pro-Obama/Clinton trend within the DSA, have already embraced the coming 2020 Sanders campaign: “This is the culmination of everything the DSA have been working for. Socialism is now mainstream, Democracy is now mainstream, democratic socialism is mainstream,” explained a spokesperson for the “Old Democratic Socialists Caucus”.

“I mean, they always were, because the police are socialist.”

The bulk of youth supporters of the DSA have been less enthusiastic. We spoke to one Sandra Young, of the Georgetown DSA: “Like a lot of young DSA recruits, I consider myself to the left of Sanders?” explained Sandra Young of the Georgetown DSA. “But I have to recognise that the DSA, as legal and friendly and big-tent as it is, is actually quite far left as far as the general US trends go? So we should probably support Sanders, but really? Make America Great Again? Like actually?”

“I would say I’m glad we’re not automatically supporting whatever the Democratic Party supports, but I can’t guarantee that the Democratic candidate won’t run on a platform of Making America Great Again, and call this their lone concession to ‘the left’ now, so I’d say that’s a pretty hollow victory?.”

Asked who she would vote for in the event of a choice between Trump/Clinton and a Sanders who believes only in concessions to that camp, Young responded she would “probably just cast a protest vote for Assata Shakur.”

ROL units deep within the southern chapters of the YDS reported cautious optimism about the direction of the DSA following Sanders’s announcement. A young militant who goes only by “the Southern Hoxhaist” had this to say: “I’m not sure what’s so surprising to everyone. Sanders thinks FDR was socialist, half the DSA think Sweden is socialist, and it’s now an official DSA position that China is socialist. Everyone who isn’t Georgist is basically Keynesian, and this is a result of the US’s decades-long isolation from the world revolutionary movement and the lack of any single genuine Marxist-Leninist party.

“However, if you have a grasp of the totality of the process, you’ll see that the trend among the youth is towards us. All around the US, young people eagerly await the release of the latest ROL newsletter so we can debate the contents in Marxist reading groups and DSA working groups. Ray is looking into the future, comrades, and it is shining brightly thanks to the red sun of socialism

“Sanders is on his last legs, the future belongs to ICOR. Revisionism is over, if you want it.”

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Worker’s Spatula Endorsement for US Presidency in 2020

Kentucky

DEEP IN THE MOUNTAINS OF KENTUCKY – Following years of rising popular struggle in the imperialist United States, Worker’s Spatula’s Central Committee have traveled to a mountain base in rural Kentucky to discuss the upcoming US Presidential Election of 2020. After heated discussion, the following statement was released:

Comrades, we are speaking to you from a guerrilla base of the Appalachian Liberation Movement, who have graciously hosted us for the past few days. We have dined upon exquisite cornbreads and sipped upon the finest Mountain Dews; we have discussed the Afro-American National Liberation Movement and lessons to be learnt from it that may be critically applied in Appalachia; we have been reading ROL and AIM propaganda and discussing their ramifications; above all else, we have been trying to unite the struggles of the poor and oppressed in the fight against capitalism, imperialism, and fascism.

Our support for Donald Trump in 2016 was right, and we are proud to have been responsible for all the heroic unity and struggle of the peoples of the multinational United States. But the question must be asked: have we accelerated the contradictions enough? Surely Donald Trump stands for everything that is wrong with capitalism and imperialism, with the established oppressor nation order, with the patriarchy. The masses in the US are in general agreement that never before has such a cartoonish, unbelievably open chauvinism stood at the face of their enemy. However, in all our discussions of late, two points have stood at the centre.

Firstly, and most obviously, we have been unable to forge a strong popular front within the United States, encompassing not only the oppressed nations and peoples, but also the broad working class of the U.S. (North) oppressor nation. Unfortunately for us, it is actually impossible to unite the “Yankee” working class in struggle with the oppressed nations because even the most progressive communist trends, except for the ROL and the FRSO, refuse to acknowledge the heroic leadership of these movements and unite with them in practice. Our continued popular front work within the DSA may yet yield some results, but for now, it is clear what the problem is:

The labour aristocratic politics which bestow concrete privilege disproportionately on the “Yankee” proletariat are still relatively strong and connected with US imperialism as such. The Sanders campaign of 2016 showed that positive demands can be put forth to this population as the austerity imposed by the ever-deepening crisis concretely attacks them. Therefore, to organise “white” workers, we must actually deepen the crisis. We must arrange for a government which will be even less responsive to the needs of the “white” proletariat than the Trump-Pence government. Then, and only then, will the “white” proletariat understand the imperialist bourgeois United States as its enemy and seek common struggle with the oppressed nations and nationalities.

Comrades, such a government is no dream. Worker’s Spatula would like to officially announce our support for a joint Trump-Clinton ticket in 2020. We believe this is possible and desirable for the following reasons:

  1. Clintonites hold that you must change the system “from within”, on the system’s own terms, no matter what. Truly, there would be no better opportunity for this than operating within the Trump campaign.
  2. The majority of Trump supporters are no more chauvinistic than Clinton supporters, and just as we endeavour to win Clinton supporters over to our cause, so too must we win Trump supporters over to our cause. Uniting the two camps in political practice will erode the need to begin any conversation with either that opposition to their erroneous political stance is not a result of support for the other half of the political “duopoly” of the US.
  3. We really could not think of any more provocative candidate to support this time than Hillary Clinton, and admit it, none of you really believe even an anti-austerity social democrat has a chance in the first place. This isn’t New Zealand.
  4. Mutual penetration of the opposites or something. Dialectics.

This decision received overwhelming support from the Appalachian revolutionaries with whom we discussed the matter at great length. If Appalachia is behind it, the rest of White AmeriKKKa have no excuse. Vanguard life, fam.

SUPPORT TRUMP AND CLINTON AGAINST THE WHITE WORKING CLASS OF THE IMPERIALIST UNITED STATES!

UPLIFT THE REVOLUTIONARY STRUGGLE OF ALL THE POOR AND OPPRESSED FOR LIBERATION AND AGAINST IMPERIALISM!

WORKERS AND OPPRESSED PEOPLES OF THE WORLD – UNITE!

LeftComs Offer Critical Support to the PUK

Bordiga

ROME/LONDON – Following news of the PUK withdrawal from Kerkük, supporters of the International Communist Tendency have taken an interest in alternatives within Kurdish politics to the infamous “ethno-nationalism” of the pro-Öcalan camp.

“Obviously all of these Kurdish parties are bourgeois and nationalist, and engaging with them in any meaningful sense would be a form of opportunism,” explained ICT representative Giuseppe Sposato to our Albanian correspondent, who like all Albanians these days, spends all her time in the most Italian milieus possible: “But it’s interesting to note that opposition to the PKK and KDP lines is growing among the Kurds themselves.

“These anarchists were into the Kurds for all the wrong reasons. Women’s liberation? Communes? No, what’s really important is being as anti-nationalist as possible.

“And who’s doing more to undermine Kurdish nationalism, as a concept, than the Kurds themselves?”

The analysis continued much in the expected way, before our correspondent grew bored, turned off her recorder, and walked away without saying goodbye: “The retreat from Kerkük by the PUK shows that revolutionary defeatism and anti-nationalism are on the rise. We hope this trend will continue, not only in Kurdistan, but around the world. Of course, while it’s clear that the KCK affiliate groups are more ‘national’ in character than the ostensibly nationalist PUK and KDP, on some level we reject all of them for being fundamentally bourgeois. Everything and everyone except for me, having this conversation in this coffee shop with you, here, in Rome, is bourgeois. The only way to save the Kurds is to hope that the Worker-Communist Party of Kurdistan will read this interview, steal a bunch of guns from the Pêşmerge, and take over a factory in Silêmanî or something. Inevitably, however…”

Left communists around Western Europe have been marching through Kurdish neighbourhoods, distributing leaflets which explain that the behaviour of the bourgeois nationalist Kurdish parties shows that the advance of class struggle since the 2008 Global Financial Crisis is itself eroding the nation as a concept, and the time to join the International Communist Tendency is now. Bearing witness to this scene on a morning jog, Harpal Brar rushed to his local Worker’s Spatula correspondent to share his opinions with the international Marxist-Leninist movement who hang on our every word.

“It’s absurd, claiming that the nation is eroding. Kurdish political organisations act entirely in their own bourgeois nationalist interest, the bourgeois nation in question being AMERICA, one nation, under God, with… ah but that would mean that America is interested in giving the Kurds less land, which of course, wouldn’t be consistent with our view that… hold on just a moment… It’s a trick. The Kurds are only retreating now to build up forces so that they might smash their enemy later, just like Stalin did when… no, we can’t very well compare the Kurds to Stalin, now can we…”

“We defend the unity and sovereignty of the Iraqi state and its legitimate government! Yes, there we are. Now no one can accuse me of being on the same side as the US.”

At time of press, the PUK had released a series of statements, all of which concluded that no matter what they do, a large section of the Kurdish people will stand with them out of “nostalgia, and the knowledge that even if we make a lot of mistakes, we didn’t make the mistake of being Barzanî.”

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“You Can Just Keep the Colonies?!” – Puerto Rico Investigated

freePR

CHICAGO – Antwerp native and University of Chicago Economics PhD Voornaam Van De Achternaam is passionate about two things: economic efficiency, and besting those infidels from the Netherlands in potato-cooking contests. But the latter took a decisive backseat to the former when he was informed of an extremely economically important fact he has learnt in the aftermath of Hurricane Maria:

“Puerto Rico is a colony? You have full-on, honest to God, colonies?” exclaimed the amazed subject of His Majesty King Philippe. “No wonder this country is so rich and economically efficient!

“If we had just kept the Congo, do you realise how much we’d be saving? Consequently how much more wealth would be generated? We’re wasting so much on this red tape with Kinshasa, what fools we’ve been!”

This important economic revelation came about when Van De Achternaam was discussing US President Trump’s approach to “relief” for Puerto Rico, and he asked classmates whether Puertorriqueños had mostly voted for Trump or Clinton in the 2016 election.

“Honestly, I don’t think we’d considered we could just strip them of their voting rights through some arcane ‘Electoral College’ while promising formal equality… it’s ingenius really. Well, this is why all the great minds come here to the US. This country is a true centre of innovative thinking.”

Upon asking US-born classmates to explain this state of affairs in terms of its cost to the US, he was informed that “the Puerto Ricans exploit our social programmes”, conveniently omitting any mention of the actual economic exploitation at the basis of the relationship.

At time of press, Puerto Rico remains in ruins as Yankee imperialism continues to leave the country they have pillaged, exploited, and oppressed in the most barbaric ways possible to fend for themselves after the environmental and economic damage caused by that very same imperialism. Belgian liberals may rest easy knowing they no longer shoulder the blame for the similar state of affairs in the DRC, since the latter has accepted its fate under the rubric of “free trade”.

It has “free” right in the name, you see.

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