CHICAGO – Antwerp native and University of Chicago Economics PhD Voornaam Van De Achternaam is passionate about two things: economic efficiency, and besting those infidels from the Netherlands in potato-cooking contests. But the latter took a decisive backseat to the former when he was informed of an extremely economically important fact he has learnt in the aftermath of Hurricane Maria:
“Puerto Rico is a colony? You have full-on, honest to God, colonies?” exclaimed the amazed subject of His Majesty King Philippe. “No wonder this country is so rich and economically efficient!
“If we had just kept the Congo, do you realise how much we’d be saving? Consequently how much more wealth would be generated? We’re wasting so much on this red tape with Kinshasa, what fools we’ve been!”
This important economic revelation came about when Van De Achternaam was discussing US President Trump’s approach to “relief” for Puerto Rico, and he asked classmates whether Puertorriqueños had mostly voted for Trump or Clinton in the 2016 election.
“Honestly, I don’t think we’d considered we could just strip them of their voting rights through some arcane ‘Electoral College’ while promising formal equality… it’s ingenius really. Well, this is why all the great minds come here to the US. This country is a true centre of innovative thinking.”
Upon asking US-born classmates to explain this state of affairs in terms of its cost to the US, he was informed that “the Puerto Ricans exploit our social programmes”, conveniently omitting any mention of the actual economic exploitation at the basis of the relationship.
At time of press, Puerto Rico remains in ruins as Yankee imperialism continues to leave the country they have pillaged, exploited, and oppressed in the most barbaric ways possible to fend for themselves after the environmental and economic damage caused by that very same imperialism. Belgian liberals may rest easy knowing they no longer shoulder the blame for the similar state of affairs in the DRC, since the latter has accepted its fate under the rubric of “free trade”.
It has “free” right in the name, you see.
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