A Big Deal: What’s the Trump Size Secret?

spatulbait

Ever hear of Donald Trump? No? Well, you’ve been living under a rock, comrade! These days, you can’t seem to go a week without hearing reference to the handsome playboy billionaire, who some tabloids are alluding may be interested in getting into US politics!

But there’s another pattern of references and allusions we’ve picked up on when people discuss Mr. Trump, even in the mainstream press. What is the liberal media trying to tell us?

yuge

“Yuge”. The media can’t stop using this word, but what does it mean? Some of our top linguistic experts suggest that it may derive from the word “huge”. A study by Google has determined that it most frequently appears in articles about President Sanders or Mr. Trump. Some think this may be an attempt to praise the Donald and suggest that he has the potential to make huge strides in politics, perhaps one day reaching the level of President Sanders.

This would be in line with the rumour that Trump has his eye on the 2020 presidency, which would be “yuge” news, if it’s true!

However, our friends at Infowars disagreed: “‘Yuge’ is clearly an Illuminati reference to the demiurge, a ‘yuge’ god-like power the Globalists will use to crush the Trump movement, following a summoning ritual led by Sanders.”

smallloan

“Small loan of a million dollars”. The liberal media can’t stop mentioning this story of Mr. Trump’s humble beginnings and his father’s kindness, but every time they have to include mention of the word “small”. Archons harbour a belief that repetition of the word “small” may weaken their enemies. Additionally, it may be a reference to the near-sacrifice of the “small boy”, Isaac, by the Prophet Abraham, suggesting that an attempt on Trump’s life may be in the works!

bigly

“Bigly”, short for “big league”, also contains a size reference. The “big league” refers to the massive craven conspiracy by the feminists, led by Hillary Clinton, which is in league with an occult god to sabotage Trump’s political aspirations!

smallhands

“Small hands”. Even we were unable to figure this one out. Often used in conjunction with phrases about small feet, small gloves, “Trump Towers”, sports cars, golden lifts, the inability of Trump to truly entertain at Mar-a-Lago, and the visible dissatisfaction of Melania Trump, we assume its arcane meaning has something to do with alchemy or Egyptian mythology.

Humourless Marxist Reviews: Kedi

kedi

My name is Ceyda Torun, the director of the Turkish documentary film about cats, “Kedi”. Had I known that producing this film would result in my imprisonment, I very likely would not have made it. But what’s done is done, and now I have to live with the consequences.

I continue to encourage everyone to see my film, proceeds from which will go to my legal fund. In the meantime, I am writing this review of my own film in the hope that it may aid in my defence.

The claim which the AKP regime has made is that my cat documentary is “propaganda for a terrorist organisation”. While this claim might appear bizarre, this is actually quite difficult to refute in the Turkish context, as a clear precedent has been set that everything good and hopeful and joyful in Turkey is in fact “propaganda for a terrorist organisation”, and accordingly punishable by imprisonment.

Therefore, I have no recourse but to resort to post-structuralism.

Erdoğan would concede that terrorist propaganda does not become such through the act of writing, but through the act of reading. It is by the intervention of the reader (the reader in question of course being Erdoğan) that terrorist propaganda emerges as such. But what Erdoğan doesn’t realise is that this understanding of textuality is derived from the writings of famous Frenchman and non-Muslim Jacques Derrida.

The French, for their part, have long been aware of Erdoğan’s post-structuralism. The fact that Erdoğan is ignorant of his own post-structuralism might appear at first glance to be a major obstacle to using post-structuralism to free myself from prison. But this would be an ignorant structuralist error: In the false binary between scholars of French philosophy and non-scholars of French philosophy, we must privilege the non-scholars before we can arrive at the truth beyond this oppressive binary, the truth being something vaguely Fichtean.

I can understand why Erdoğan would see in my film many signifiers which indicate HDP-like values that are of course terroristic to articulate. The film contains women talking about their alienation in patriarchal society, workers being humanised and allowed to speak, and most horrifyingly of all, the implication that massive construction projects are not necessarily improving İstanbul.

I can certainly see why the authorities would view any film which depicts the social life and values of İstanbul society as being predicated upon concern for the well-being of others instead of the profit motive as dangerous communistic propaganda, an obvious recruitment ploy by the HDP and their various subversive affiliates.

If I were in Erdoğan’s shoes, I would certainly ban this film, arrest its director, and probably kill several dozen cats just for good measure.

But meanings shift, and signifiers are ultimately meaningless. While it is a well known fact that cats are a symbol of Devrimci Karargâh (who recently united with DKP), they are also a symbol of the famous dancer Adnan Oktar. The same signifier can signify multiple, contradictory things. And while clearly it is up to the viewer, and more specifically Erdoğan, to determine the meaning of my film in the context of the layers of meaning that led up to my film, it is also the case that if Erdoğan rewatches my film, he will be able to overcome the subversive elements which he thought were so essential on first viewing. In a new context, my film may be about something entirely different.

Consider the theological motif in the film. What could be more wholesome than ordinary İstanbullular discussing the piety of cats, a species known to have been beloved by the Prophet Muhammad (SAW)? We even had a fisherman who used the word “kâfir”! Viewed in a particular context, my film could practically be an advertisement for the Türk-İslam sentezi for YouTube cat video-addicted gâvurlar!

While I understand the offence caused by having a film in which women wear dreadlocks or laugh in public must have been great for our president, I hope that he of all people understands that interpretation of my film, like anything else, is continuously deferred, and that perhaps now might be an appropriate time to focus on its more theological themes and let me out of jail?

Our president is the most committed to différance of any in the world. Praised for his piety and constantly to be heard referencing God, he does so with the full knowledge that even this supposed transcendental signifier is in a constant state of flux, and may be interpreted however the AKP needs it to be. I too am willing to opportunistically use religion for my own personal ends, in this case, being allowed out of the prison that I, like thousands of others in Turkey today, was so hastily thrown into.

In conclusion, I wish to assure readers, particularly the judge who holds my fate in their hands, that my film “Kedi” is not communist propaganda.

I mean, come on, nobody even speaks Kurdish in it.

Worker’s Spatula Interview Malcolm Turnbull about Trump, Kant

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CANBERRA – In a time of apparently shifting imperialist alliances on an international scale, with Trump reversing the Democratic Party’s policy of ramping up tensions with Russia, instead apparently taking aim at Beijing, Australia has been apparently caught in the crossfire. Worker’s Spatula’s chief correspondent in Melbourne went to Canberra to sit down with Malcolm Turnbull, the least pleasant man in Australia, to find out what makes this clockwork man tick:

WS: G’day, how’s it going?

MT: G’day yourself, all right?

WS: All right. You recently found yourself in a bit of a row with Donald Trump. Speaking for many observers, we never would’ve predicted Australia under Turnbull would be one of the more forthright rival imperialist powers in the era of Trump. How would you characterise the gap between yourself and the Donald?

MT: Donald Trump, as everyone knows, is a Hegelian. Obviously I mean this in both the philosophical and the political sense: In every conversation, he is known to bring up the question of stages of internal development which in his mind justify the callous abandoment of duty. It is the basest hypocrisy that Trump at once derives power from the institutional order and at the same time casts us all into collective chaos.

WS: So you would identify with a purer Kantian tradition?

MT: Naturally.

WS: Let’s talk about the specific disagreement which led us to this impasse. You claim that Trump is reneging on his duty to resettle refugees from Australia. Why not just resettle them here?

MT: Please be serious. There’s a categorical imperative which shows why this is impossible. Imagine in your mind one of these boats full of refugees. They think they can just come to Australia, and there may only be three of them in the boat, but what if everyone thought like them? We’d have billions of the buggers, and we’d all end up starving to death.

WS: Right but…

MT: Do you want us all to starve to death?

WS: Sure, but doesn’t the same apply to the US? Should all refugees go to the US?

MT: No, not all. This is exactly the point. We had an agreement whereby we would resettle some of their refugees and they would resettle some of ours. By definition, their choice cannot be considered to be deontologically wrong, since it is neither a choice, nor one that other refugees could try to make into a universal law.

Additionally, the refugees they were to send us in exchange were pious Roman Catholics from Latin America, who would fit in well in my Australia.

WS: Beg pardon? As opposed to…?

MT: Not as opposed to anyone in particular. It’s just that…

WS: You know, despite your attempts at grandstanding as some ethically superior force to Trump, there are those who would accuse you of sharing a common anti-Muslim bigotry.

MT: Such slander is hardly becoming of a respectable publication such as Worker’s Spatula.

WS: With all due respect, this isn’t idle gossip. There have been a couple occasions where you’ve effectively defended racist statements in the public discourse. Of particular note, I recall you lauding Peter Dutton specifically after he went on his little tirade against the Lebanese.

MT: *laughing* Don’t worry about what you read or hear in the press, which is only a flawed representation of the thing-in-itself through the human senses. I assure you that here in Australia we have an a priori understanding of what it means to be racist that doesn’t allow for me to be perceived as such.

WS: I see. Any closing statement?

MT: Vote Liberal, the noumenon of Australian politics.

UPDATE: Following publication of this interview, Pauline Hanson of the modestly named “Pauline Hanson’s One Nation” party has announced that she intends to defeat “Muhammad Turnb-Ali” in the 2019 federal election by running on a platform of combatting radical Islamic terrorism and popularising the writing and thought of Arthur Schopenhauer.

Shia LeBeouf Kidnapped

US-POLITICS-TRUMP-PROTEST-LABEOUF

NEW YORK CITY – Shia looked around frantically as the hood was torn off his head.

“Where am I?”

“You’re with Worker’s Spatula, in a safehouse provided us by the Provisional Communist Party. You are a guest of the US front of the world revolution,” said a voice from the shadows.

“Can I be untied then, or…?”

“I’m afraid not, Shia,” responded the figure, stepping forward so the dim outlines of their face could be seen in the low light. “We have to complete your ideological reeducation first.”

“What do you want with me?”

“Isn’t that obvious? We’re going to put you at the forefront of a popular front against fascism. Your fame and growing radicalism merely need our theoretical guidance to create the perfect praxis for the degenerate Yankee left to advance to the next stage.”

“But I’m not famous anymore!” shouted a teary-eyed Shia at the figure. “I’m just Shia!”

“Well, ‘just Shia’, then I suppose…”

“Don’t, please don’t.” interrupted another voice from behind Shia, who craned his neck in vain to see the speaker. “If there’s one thing the anti-fascist front in the US doesn’t need, it’s more references to Harry Potter.”

Shia’s stomach lurched as he felt the chair to which he was bound lift up from the back and spin around. The figure behind him walked around to face him, their face obscured by a red balaclava.

“Trump will not divide us? Trump will not divide us?” screamed the figure in Shia’s face.

“He won’t!” screamed Shia, defiantly. “He won’t!”

“You fool!” came the voice of the first figure from behind. “Trump didn’t divide anything! He is a mere cypher for the rapidly sharpening contradictions of capital! Who are we?”

“We are the people!” responded Shia.

“Who are the people? Are they the nation?”

“No!” said Shia. “The people refers to those classes and sections of a nation which benefit from revolution!”

The room fell silent. The masked figure in front of Shia nodded their head and lit a smoking pipe before continuing.

“So why do you fear that Trump might divide ‘the people’?”

“He wants to turn people against each other. He wants us to hate Arabs and Hispanics. That’s not what you want, is it?”

“Obviously not, obviously not…” murmured the masked figure, puffing away at their pipe. “But we must not betray concrete reality for the sake of embellished sentences. After all, the unity which might exist in the place of the division to which you refer is only something that is desirable and not, unfortunately, something that actually exists. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

“You’re referring to the national question?” asked Shia, trying to remember the contents of the İbrahim Kaypakkaya he had been reading in his holding cell, prior to his capture by the crazed militants surrounding him now.

“Not only that! The point is the contradictions. Contradictions which, we must reiterate, we revealed through our participation in the Trump campaign, but which were long preextant in US society.”

“So why do you need me, then? I mean, I agree with all of this, I think, but who’s going to listen to me? I mean, I’m not even famous anymore.”

“Like we said, we need you to organise a popular front. We have a list of names who we believe will be ready to work with you against the forces of Trumpite fascism. Ian McKellen played Dumbledore, for example, and these white people keep saying they want to be part of Dumledore’s Army…”

“Gandalf.” interrupted Shia.

“Excuse you?”

“Ian McKellen didn’t play Dumbledore, he played Gandalf.”

“[REDACTED], will you bring Shia some fucking Cheetos and Mountain Dew? We don’t give a fuck about which wizard it was, Shia. Wizards aren’t real. THE POPULAR FRONT is real. STALIN is real. We just want these white people to get excited about a wizard leading their popular front. The point is, you need to get together some action heroes like yourself to get people excited about being in the streets fighting fascism. You know, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Matt Damon, Sigourney Weaver…”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa… Schwarzenegger and Damon, sure, but Sigourney Weaver won’t fight fascism. She’s a known Foucaultist.”

“Shia, what the fuck?” came the voice from behind again. “Why are you letting your dreams just be dreams? You need to just do it, Shia! Make your dreams come true! JUST, DO IT!”

“Do what though?!” screamed Shia into the darkness. “I don’t understand what you want me to do!”

“This is why the oppressor nation in your country can’t have socialism yet. You don’t even know what to do when we scream at you to ‘just do it’ and ‘make your dreams come true’.”

News in Brief: February 1st 2017

Bidhya Devi Bhandari

KATHMANDU – A new Nepali constitution was introduced this week, which accidentally included the abolition of the institution of marriage: “I honestly cannot tell you how this happened,” said President Bidhya Devi Bhandari, when reached for comment by our Malaysian correspondent. “We’ve all been so distracted by foreign policy that I couldn’t even tell you where this latest proposal for rewriting the constitution originated. Maybe I did it? Maybe the Maoists? Somebody’s got to answer for this.”

Prime Minister Pushpa Kamal Dahal, better known as “Prachaveli”, strongly repudiated the claim in a televised interview conducted from his mansion: “I remember when the proposal first came up in parliament. It was the Trotskyites who proposed a new constitution. It’s always the Trotskyites, with their wrecking.

“I’m personally furious. What Maoist could oppose marriage, an institution in which our Chairprophet was an enthusiastic participant?”

İZMİR – Local DHKP-C cadres had a bit too much to drink last night, and announced themselves loudly as members to the police at the İZBAN, who proceeded to beat them silly, much to the horror of lookers-on.

Foreign sympathisers of the gun-wielding equivalent of the ÖDP are expected to get extremely drunk and provoke local police in solidarity. Haklılar, kazanacaklar.

TWITTERLAND – US communist Twitter was thrown into a panic at rumours of @bennykoval and @DadTankie‘s breakup. Our US correspondents could not think of anything else of interest to report back from that country, as the next ROL newsletter won’t be out for another month.

17-Year-Old Building Own Cult of Personality

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CHICAGO – 17-year-old Aaron Gold, or as he has recently begun insisting his followers refer to him, “Chairman Aaron”, is hard at work creating his very own cult of personality at CICS Northtown, where he has been relatively successful at promoting a Marxist-Leninist approach to politics among his classmates.

“Today we’re celebrating Chairman Aaron’s birthday, which is also the anniversary of the beginning of dekulakisation” explained Chairman Aaron’s best friend and first recruit, Joshua Washington. “Not with a cake or whatever, that’s exactly what the kulaks would want. No, we’re going to screen a documentary I made on my laptop about the time Chairman Aaron won a debate with some old revisionist from the CPUSA.”

“Chairman Aaron is our only real teacher at this bourgeois school,” explained Sara Ahadi, who was drawn to Chairman Aaron’s ideas while seated next to him during a particularly boring maths lecture. “We were talking about Trump, and I mentioned being annoyed by these white women who are still wearing their Clinton buttons, who never joined in with Black Lives Matter. He said we should try to unite with them against this common enemy without granting them hegemony. He says that in many cases, our initial differences might be ‘subliminalated’ in a ‘populist front’, which we can use to win over some of the Meghan Trainor fans (Marxist-Leninists listen to Sia).

“My mom says he meant ‘sublated’, but Chairman Aaron says she’s a Brezhnevite, so what does she know?”

Chairman Aaron is constantly seen meeting with diverse groups of students, adopting their mannerisms and style of speech in an attempt to facilitate a more dialectical communication process. Among Jewish students, he is always to be heard mentioning his single Jewish grandparent, while also fasting for the entire month of Ramadan as part of his infiltration of Muslim student groups.

“Have y’all heard about this murder clown Michael Israel? Homeboy got killed by a Turkish airstrike while fighting ISIS with his crew, the IFB,” explained Chairman Aaron to a small huddle of juggalos in the corner of the cafeteria.

“That’s what’s up, ninja,” intoned “Axeboy”, one of three nodding juggalos at the table as they inspected Chairman Aaron’s rendering of YPJ guerrillas in clown makeup, splitting the skulls of those whack ISIS bigots.

“Exploitation, alienation, oppression, imperialism; all that shit is whack,” explained one of the juggalos, who asked that he be credited as “Homidical Nutt”. “When Chairman A gets to talkin’ ’bout the dialectic, it’s just like the Dark Carnival, yo!”

“Yo, Chairman A was telling us about this dope homeboy Stalin, from Atlanta or some shit,” chimed in “Nonprovocative Steve”, the third member of the juggalo crew. “This crazy ninja killed Hitler, that’s like the most fucked-up bigot of all time!”

“Word,” concluded “Axeboy”, as he poured his juggalo comrades and our correspondent some plastic cups full of warm, flat Faygo. “Chairman A knows everything. I’m going to tattoo his face on my shaft as the ultimate symbol of my dedication to a critical approach to all established conditions. It’s gonna stretch out when I’m thinking about contradictions and rapidly contract in the event of quantitative change effecting qualitative change.”

“Me too,” agreed the others.

SNP Host “Bash the Fash” Burns Supper

antifasnp

GLASGOW – Wi 2017 leukin tae be a mair anti-fascist year as wis thocht, Nicola Sturgeon hae seen fit tae annunce that the SNP will caipitalise on this faur ben trend amang the Scots fowk by hostin a Antifa Burns Nicht:

“Rabbie Burns wis a radical, he wis,” expleened Sturgeon at the Glasgow riot/press conference. “He laithed baith kirk an croun, an we want tae hae a Burns Supper whit reflects this.”

“Aye,” gree’d Mhairi Black. “We’re tae sing Ewan MacColl sangs o Stalin an Ho Chi Minh, birn a Union Jaik an aw… ‘Tis gangin tae be the maist anti-Westminster Burns Nicht o aw time.”

Public reaction tae the annuncement hae been generally guid: “Scotland is a laund o rebels, the cauf kintra o James Connolly an Sean Connery, we daena care for Nazis in thir pairts,” expleened a masked Glaswegian lounie.

Rangers fans, for thair pairt, are awready hyte at the annuncement: “‘Tis mair evident o the SNP’s couterin o left-weeng hooligans, gin thay attack honest richt-weeng hooligans like masel,” expleened local Rangers supporter Andrew “Bud” Andrews, motionin at a nearby menyie o Celtic fans.

“Thay’re a purely creeminal element thay are, the fuckin tims!”

Tweel the drink at the celebrations will be whisky, but thare is a clypach o a differ ower gin it shoud be the weel-lued Laphroaig, o Tomintoul, on accoont o the Sassenachs canna pronoonce it.

But aye, thare will be haggis o the vegan, halal, an raiglar kynd, so aw o the Wirker’s Spatula correspondents whit come micht eat awee.

Aye, dear readers, the Spatula sall be thare. For it will be oor task tae read Burns’s classic verse, Ode to a Spatula.

Worker’s Spatula Central Committee on Trump Inauguration

fuckyourflag

KO SAMUI, THAILAND – The Worker’s Spatula (WS) Central Committee made a rare public appearance today in a luxury resort on the beautiful island of Ko Samui on the occasion of the inauguration of Donald Trump as a President of the United States of Freedom But Not Necessity.

A brief statement was read by a US comrade, wearing – like all the other Central Committee members – an Islamic bathing suit, sunglasses and a keffiyeh wrapped round his face to hide his identity:

As is well known, Worker’s Spatula was the single most powerful force behind Donald Trump’s victory over not only the RCPUSA-backed Ted Cruz, but the Trotskyite Hillary Clinton. We relentlessly supported him at a time when all the typical left-liberal comedians were still laughing at him.

WELL WHO’S LAUGHING NOW, MOTHERFUCKERS? THE SPATULA!

This comedy, however, was just a red herring. Did anyone see that movie? No?

So, we would like to announce, as you have all doubtless figured out by now, that the US presidential election was a charade. Donald Trump is in fact an impostor pretending to be president. The real president, as everyone predicted all along, will be labour aristocracy-coddler and soup addict Bernie Sanders.

Congratulations to Bernie Sanders on your well-deserved win! You did it, buddy!

Victory to the masses rising up against the farcical and clearly satirical “presidency” of Donald Trump, focal point of the ever-accelerating dialectic!

LAND AND FREEDOM TO ALL OPPRESSED PEOPLES IN THE IMPERIALIST UNITED STATES!

DEATH TO HILLARY CLINTON AND BARACK OBAMA!

WORKER’S SPATULA: WE OUT!

Fireworks lit up the night sky over the beach across which the WS Central Committee was walking, slurping on their delicious alcohol-free cocktails served in sliced-up coconuts.

A German comrade was heard mumbling „Wer nicht mal so viel von Dialektik versteht, der kann mich im Arsch lecken…“ as he disappeared under a palm tree.

“The USSR Never Fell”, say CIA-backed Leftists

commietrump

CHICAGO – It has been nearly 50 years since all of these U.S. left-wing organisations have been able to sit together in the same room, and the tension is palpable. But no one present is here to revive old arguments about Trotsky, Mao, and Stalin, or whether it is better to organise on a trans-national class basis or on the basis of oppressed nations.

“We have to refute these bourgeois lies,” Carrie Szymanski, founder of the Three Worlds Society began, to rapturous applause: “The USSR never fell, and those who claim that Kazakhstan or Estonia are sovereign states are victims of the most base FBI psy-ops.”

The conference—”Towards A Worker’s Struggle Against Revisionism: New Perspectives”—was called on short notice to coincide with the inauguration of president-elect Donald Trump, and brought together various far-left CIA front groups—no matter whether M, ML, MLM, MLT, or MLTP in ideology—for the first time since a series of acrimonious splits in the mid-20th century.

“Anyone who claims that the country Sarah Palin could see from her house is the so-called ‘Russian Federation’ has objectively fallen into dogmato-revisionist Brezhnevo-Bordigaism, and is standing in the way of the inevitable victory of Communism,” Szymanski continued, sending the crowd to fever pitch of shouting.

Bob Avakian, who has taken a break from his busy schedule as the Karl Marx of our time to attend the conference was next up at the podium. Upon seizing the microphone, he began: “Yes, y’all. Is this thing on? The Soviet imperialists are indeed still a threat. Together with the forces of the FBI, the Soviet Imperialists conspired to defeat our popular front efforts with Ted Cruz during the Republican primaries.

“If we stop the FBI, we stop Russia: This dangerous internal arm of US imperialism has time and again thwarted our efforts to educate the Afro-American masses about their national leader, Bob Avakian. Anyone who does not now unite with the CIA in struggle against the FBI is objectively Phünwangist.”

The US SWP sent up their spokesperson next: “Isn’t the real problem Hamas? I mean, just think about it. Really think about it,” they said, to approving nods from the assembled.

So what has led all of these diverse CIA front groups to temporarily bury the hatchet after so many years of semi-libellous journal articles, exchanges of cursing on obscure Yahoo Newsgroups and occasional spite-fucking?

“Normally, we wouldn’t be able to convince Trotskyist CIA members to endorse a call that doesn’t include a reference to the Soviet Union as ‘Stalinist’,” explained Szymanski to us on the floor of the conference hall. “However, the election of Donald Trump is a move that threatens all CIA-backed left groups, and so for once they had to show some fucking solidarity.”

Should the USSR remain an extant and sovereign state, a position which every single one of the conference’s speakers vigorously defended, Donald Trump’s perceived closeness with Moscow would radically decrease his popularity among the Republican base, hampering his attempts to control Congress and likely bringing forward the date of his assassination by 5-8 weeks.

We asked Szymanski more about her political background:

“They asked us at basic training who wanted to be a part of a white nationalist group, and every hand went up,” she recalled. “I drew the short straw, and ended up in a New Communist Movement-influenced commune in Philadelphia,” .

“But in 1977, we had a huge fight over ‘Socialism with Chinese Characteristics’, and we split. I mean, fuck Deng Xiaoping, man, fuck him.”

“Fuck you, you fucking crypto-Hoxhaite left deviationist!” shouted Tim (you all know which one), who had found his way to the conference somehow.

The veteran Maoist burst into tears. “It’s just so hurtful. If it weren’t for my CIA paycheque, I’d move to Australia and join the CPA(ML).”

A counter-protest organised by FBI front groups in front of the venue attracted over ten thousand promises of attendance on Facebook, but WS investigation revealed only seven people, three placards and one dog had turned up.

Worker’s Spatula did meet one actually class conscious individual who didn’t support either the FBI or the CIA against one another. She appeared to have been invited by mistake, and agreed to talk to us on grounds of anonymity: “At first I thought this whole thing was some kind of communist joke,” the young woman wearing an Engels t-shirt. “But then I found out that lunch was catered.”

“Only the state has the kind of resources to provide that much bream.”

At time of press, someone who had put up their hand to ask a question was on their ninth minute of explaining their micro-sect’s definition of the true nature of the Soviet Union.

Jesus: Judeo-Bolshevik?

jesus-che

BERLIN, QENDÎL – The latest article by the well-known US Christian-Maoist Cornel West calling for all his ‘brothers and sisters’ to ‘follow Jesus in fighting for the poor and downtrodden’ has provoked a repsonse by the respectable news outlet (in the US) and fascist propaganda front (by the standards of other countries) Breitbart News Network asking: “Was Jesus Secretly A Judeo-Bolshevik!?”

The Breitbart correspondant Guy Whitey Corngood writes “We alt-rightists reject the label ‘white supremacist’… A sort of visceral hatred of black people and immigrants is completely ignorant, and beneath us. We are more refined than that. We realise that the blacks and Mexicans are weapons used by the Cultural Marxist Jews in service of their planned white genocide*. We merely advocate self-defence against this.”

“When we see Jesus preaching, much in the style of the famed Jew Karl Marx, that black people ought to rise against the white race in the hateful and racist fashion typical of the Bolsheviki, we have to ask: Was Jesus a Jew?”

Response from the left was swift, as firing squads are swift. Cornel West responded in that typically Cornel West style by saying: “I hope my brothers and sisters at Breitbart, no matter how they feel about Jesus, will just… just shove it up their own assholes. I’m sorry, I’m done being nice to every hateful piece of shit that spouts some blatantly reactionary nonsense in my general vicinity. We can’t save ’em all. I’m selling my cloak and buying a sword for these Yankee Nazis.”

Meanwhile, in Qendîl, our editor-in-chief was deep in the finer points of historical-theological discussion with Murat Karayılan:

“Was Jesus a Jew? What is a Jew? A Jew is a Mesopotamian, in a sense. The Talmud is from Mesopotamia, as is the Gilgamesh flood myth. Abraham was a Mesopotamian, so why shouldn’t Jesus be too?”

“Sure, okay, but the actual point of the debate isn’t about…”

“In our understanding, Judaism, and all religions, including your faith, Shi’a Islam, and mine, Taoism, are just pre-modern yearnings for the ultimate truth of socialism.”

“So what you’re saying is…”

“Jesus was a Kurd.”

The German left scene, which has been embroiled in critiques and discussions of Christianity’s effect on social and political consciousness since the death of Hz. Hegel, and which is deeply invested in responding to Nazis for some reason, had a great deal to say on the subject of Jesus’s alleged Bolshevism:

“Jesus was certainly a Jew, and not a dirty German,” explained Stefan Engel, the most Stalinist member of der Frankfurter Schule. “But was he a Bolshevik? I would argue not. Despite Jesus’s many positive teachings, he nonetheless failed to grasp the role of imperialism: Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar’s? More like expropriate from Caesar that which Caesar expropriated from the colonised people of Judea!

“Jesus would read GegenStandpunkt.”

GegenStandpunkt has responded with almost the opposite critique of the Nazarene. It reads, in part:

Any discussion of bourgeois society which divides between so-called “fascist” and “democratic” trends is itself un-Marxist. Jesus, as a classic “democratic revolutionary” of the type lauded by Leninite deviationists, may have appealed to the emotions of the poor suffering under capitalism, but he did nothing to actively elevate popular understanding of capitalism as a system of exploitation per se.

When Jesus explains „Ein Reicher wird schwer ins Himmelreich kommen“**, there is nothing Marxist in this. Marx may have broken with the other Junghegelianer over the role of religious ideology in the bourgeois state, but he was very clear that it was not an emancipatory role as such. As for Jesus:

„Es ist leichter, daß ein Kamel durch ein Nadelöhr gehe, denn daß ein Reicher ins Reich Gottes komme. […] Jesus aber sah sie an und sprach zu ihnen: Bei den Menschen ist es unmöglich; aber bei Gott sind alle Dinge möglich.“**

Case closed, Leninites: Jesus was a reformist, an idealist, and a class collaborator.

*It is once again to be noted that “white genocide” is a euphamism for a trend of consensual miscegenation, but “advocating” it will nonetheless result in them doing you like they did George Ciccariello-Mahir-Çayan.

**Bible quotes left in their original German to avoid human misrepresentation of words in the holy tongue of Hz. Hegel.