Mormons Seceding from US while Nobody’s Watching

FlagofDeseret

SALT LAKE CITY – With much of the attention of the US and indeed the world focused on the upcoming presidential election in which Hillary Clinton will face off with Donald Trump in a debate many are already describing as “drinking game worthy”, the humble Mormon people are quietly seceding from the United States again.

The US flag has been taken down in all of Utah and much of neighbouring states and replaced with a “Deseret” flag, escaping the notice of everyone on the US coasts where all the news is produced in special news factories.

The Mormon population originally settled in the region to escape persecution by US imperialism, only to strike a deal with Washington later, resulting in the integration of the fledgling Mormon bourgeoisie into the political apparatus of the Yankee bourgeoisie. The alliance is out of step with bourgeois descriptions of the roots of the Utah War, which was supposedly motivated by religious fanaticism on the part of the Mormons and/or a desire to wipe out polygamy on the part of the state. In actuality, the war was about ethics in video game journalism.

Worker’s Spatula correspondents joined a delegation made up principally of local members of the FRSO (the one that calls the other “revisionist”) who travelled to Salt Lake City to discuss strategy and tactics with the Mormon leadership. The aim of the meeting was to get the new Mormon leadership to back various secessionist efforts supported by the FRSO and other Marxist-Leninist organisations who understand national liberation as an important site of struggle within the imperialist United States.

“The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has long upheld the line of national liberation for the Lamanite people,” President of the State of Deseret Thomas Monson explained to the Marxist-Leninist delegation. “In line with this we are happy to discuss whatever we can do to help the Diné people on our southern border, provided that we be allowed free right to propagate our faith in their territory in the meanwhile.”

“As for the Hamite nation, we’re not against them. We have many Hamite friends.”

The meeting also allowed for a discussion of theoretical and historical matters. Eager to find common ground, the Mormon leadership assured the Marxist-Leninists in attendance that they remained “very grateful to your people, without whom we would all be speaking German”, although they also noted that “a lot of you seem to speak German as well, as do many of us, for reasons of proselytism.”

More dialectically conscious Marxist-Leninists in attendance were disappointed to learn that Mormon doctrine removed the dialectical conception of the Godhead in favour of some bullshit that doesn’t even involve mutual penetration of opposites. The women’s section of Worker’s Spatula was disappointed to find that the Mormon leadership is still not open to the idea of prayer to the Heavenly Mother. The women’s section of the FRSO was disappointed to find out it still does not exist.

US ICOR affiliate Revolutionary Organization of Labor surprised all of those who read their newsletter (mostly Germans, very few actual US citizens) by issuing what can at best be described as a lukewarm response to Mormon secession:

“The Mormon people do not constitute an oppressed nation, but an oppressor nation within the imperialist United States. Therefore, there is no guarantee that their secession will have a progressive effect on the US or the international situation at large. The very fact that nobody has even noticed that they seceded is evidence that they do not play a progressive role. Maybe if they weren’t out in the middle of fucking nowhere, they could do some good.

“For example, we’re here in Boston, which is a large and important city. Granted, nobody in Boston knows it, but at least we are technically here.”

The Young Turks Exposed as EMEP Front

EMEP

CULVER CITY, CALIFORNIA – Following ongoing discussions between the US and Turkish states with regard to anti-terrorism cooperation, the US State Department has revealed that it has long been aware that popular web series “the Young Turks” and its associated “network” constitute a front for EMEP, the Turkish “Labour Party” which upholds the line of the Albanian “Party of Labour”, itself widely suspected of being a front for the Ghost of Deniz Gezmiş.

The revelation is important not only for Turkish politics, where association of any one group to any other group is known to be the first step towards everyone involved being declared to be agents of ISIS and the PKK at the same time, but even for US citizens who may have donated to the Young Turks Network at some point, as such donations would now constitute funding of a Turkish political party by US citizens, a diplomatic issue between Turkey and the US.

In response to the controversy, host Cenk Uygur has fled the country before he could be charged with any crime. After hours in custody in which he was repeatedly tortured, presumptive Democratic nominee for President of the United States Bernie Sanders has yet to divulge any information that might aid US authorities in determining Uygur’s current whereabouts.

Chairwoman of the Young Turk Network, Ana Kasparian, is being deported back to her native Armenia, in a move determined to not be offensive at all so long as Donald Trump is not behind it. As a handcuffed Kasparian was dragged onto a flight back to Yerevan, she could be heard leading a crowd chanting “LONG LIVE THE REVOLUTION AND SOCIALISM!” in Armenian.

Approached for comment, national spokesperson for the American Party of Labor Alfonso Casal had this to say:

Obviously we stand in solidarity with all EMEP comrades regardless of the conditions. We also wish to note the double standard of the Turkish state, which claims to oppose meddling in internal affairs while nakedly acting as a pawn of US imperialism in other states in the region. Turkey has now invaded Syria, but a few socialists’ support for EMEP from abroad is the breach of some abstract and sacred national sovereignty. Give me a fucking break.

We will be raising this matter at the next Stalin Society of North America meeting to see what we can concretely do to help comrades of the Young Turks Network and EMEP to defeat this fascist-minded attack on their principled message of real democracy and socialism.

US ICOR affiliate the ROL is expected to release a statement in three months on account of their bimonthly publication being their only means of intervening in day-to-day political affairs.

AKP Close to Catching Culprits in String of Attacks on its Enemies

Antep

ANKARA – Following yet another bombing, which took place at the wedding of a Kurdish HDP member in Antep, the AKP continues to assure us all that all these attacks which keep hitting their enemies are in fact aimed at the Turkish state and government, and that coincidentally, everyone the Turkish people have heard on the news that they are meant to dislike is behind them somehow.

In a statement which was not even made up by Worker’s Spatula and in fact publicly available in English on Hürriyet Daily News, President Erdoğan managed to link Fethullah Gülen, ISIS, and the PKK, the three principal villains of Turkish daily life according to the constantly blaring television news with the dramatic music we’ve all normalised by now. This follows news of another heinous attack (also probably carried out by the Gülen-ISIS-PKK axis) in which uniformed Turkish police arrested and beat 14 youth for “singing Kurdish songs” in “Recep Tayyip Erdoğan Park” in Esenyurt, Istanbul.

A spokesman (it’s always a man) for the AKP responded thus when reached for comment by Worker’s Spatula: “Everyone who the Turkish people don’t like is trying to kill the people the Turkish government doesn’t like, in a complicated conspiracy aimed at attacking the political forces in Turkey which benefit from the current situation. It saddens us a great deal, but we want to assure international Muslim public opinion that we are on the case, and those behind these bloody massacres of Kurds, whose very existence is like a cancer in our lives, will be caught and brought before us to answer for their crimes of making it difficult to sell ‘Democracy à Erdoğan’.”

Many sources within the AKP are blaming “the west”, and the United States in particular, for the reign of terror which grips Turkey and Kurdistan at present. Spokesman for the Office of the President İbrahim Kalın has appeared on television to draw attention to the heinous hypocrisy of international response to this latest bombing: “Everyone knows that the United States were behind the July 15th coup attempt, and soon we’ll be sure that Turkish children are taught this incident in school as an example of a military victory by Turkey against the United States. But of course, we want to maintain good relations with NATO and the United States in spite of this, I mean, Turkey is an independent country which independently entered into an independent alliance with the United States as an independent state. But this alliance will be in grave danger if they continue to stand by and let us suffer as our fiercest critics and most hated enemies are cut down in waves of arrests and attacks clearly aimed at Turkish democracy, which is to say us!”

Prime Minister Binali Yıldırım agreed: “The PKK and ISIS are the same, and not at all opposed to each other, and they both definitely have the same mutually antagonistic relationship to the Turkish government and state.” Only joking, Binali Yıldırım can’t string together a complete sentence in Turkish, which is supposedly his native language. It sounded more like this: “PKK terrorism and ISIS terrorism, is… You know, they’re both terrorists. And we’re fighting these terrorism. The same!”

Turkish IST affiliate DSİP wasted no time in falling all over itself to defend the AKP against “Turkish Stalinism” which “constantly stands against the democratic aspirations of our Islamist brothers and sisters”.

“Oh, and terrible to hear about those dead Kurds. We’re in HDP still, right?”

German Chancellor Angela Merkel expressed her condolences to the victims and added: “We are shocked by this brutal terrorist attack, and we stand in solidarity with the Turkish state in their struggle against terror. In particular, we wish to express our solidarity with Turkey’s disposable labour and open market, a world without which is unimaginable for us. Turkish democracy is locked in a constant struggle with itself, but as a veteran of the German struggle against totalitarianism which tore Turkey apart, I am confident that religious and corporate democracy will prevail in Turkey as well.”

EXCLUSIVE: Germans did WWII

Germans

BERLIN – Visiting Worker’s Spatula correspondents were shocked to discover from local sources that Germany may have been the country responsible for World War II, and possibly the Nazi Holocaust.

An emergency meeting was called in which local German Worker’s Spatula correspondents were asked to defend themselves from the charges: “Well, technically contradictions of capital and imperialism caused World War II, but it is true that…”

“PURGED!” interrupted a US correspondent in attendance, leaping onto the table and gesturing with his fist quite Stalinistly. “You Germans are all purged from Worker’s Spatula for your families’ role in the Nazi Holocaust, a crime almost as great as the formation of the so-called ‘Fourth International’!”

“Now hold on a minute!” one of the Germans responded nervously. “You lot did Bush! And the English did Blair! The English invented Trotsky!”

“Yeah no we were out of the country at the time”, “In exile and that”, “I’m half Welsh or something”, responded the united Anglo front.

“We weren’t even born during WWII! Stefan Engel wasn’t even born!” responded another one of the perfidious Germans.

“You leave Stefan Engel out of this. He’s a Kurd now. He converted.”

“It’s true, I think all of ICOR has,” confirmed an English correspondent.

“But I’m in the MLPD! He’s in [REDACTED]! We’re in ICOR! So according to you, we’re Kurds now, so go after the other Germans!”

At press time, every German who Worker’s Spatula questioned on the street insisted that their family were “on holiday for the duration of Nazi rule”, and that they “probably have a Jewish ancestor”.

Hüda-Par Diyarbekir Hosts One-Year Anniversary of Worker’s Spatula

Zülfikar

DIYARBEKIR/AMED – In honour of one year of struggle for the oppressed and downtrodden the world over, Worker’s Spatula’s central committee and several affiliates convened in the Kurdish capital to reflect and relax. To avoid sectarian squabbles between the various factions within Worker’s Spatula, the “neutral ground” represented by the Hüda-Par provincial headquarters was chosen as the site of celebration, much to the delight of the faithful.

Women Worker’s Spatula members were of course not allowed in the main hall, per Hüda-Par policy, and were shuffled into a side room to discuss “women’s issues” with their sisters in faith. The very different ideas about what consitutes “women’s issues” (with one side favouring abortion rights and the other favouring how best to conceal the bruises so as to not fail to look appealing to one’s husband) led to fierce argumentation, but as the Hüda-Par headquarter’s women’s room is heavily soundproofed so as to prevent men being tempted by the sound of strange women’s voices, this was not revealed to the men attendees until after the celebrations were over.

“Bismillahirrahmanirrahim euzubillahimineşşeytanirracim,” stated local Hüda-Par member and Worker’s Spatula fan Abdulkadir Soyupak, marking the start of the exciting festivities, which included awkward staring at shoes and attempts at small talk.

“Isn’t Trotskyism like Shi’ism for you people?” enquired Muhammed Kılıçlı, attempting to make small talk with a Worker’s Spatula correspondent with a tattoo displaying a hammer, sickle, and Zulfiqar visible on his arm, thanks to his extremely immodest short-sleeved shirt.

“No, Shi’ism is anti-revisionism, Sunnis are Brezhnevites, and Ibadis are the Trots.”

Lokma and tea were served, the former provided by Hüdapar and the latter provided by a network of smugglers and Worker’s Spatula. Worker’s Spatula also attempted to serve a tray of meqlûbe prepared specially for the occasion, “in solidarity with the Palestinian people”. However, the Arab dish was thrown out the window on suspicion of being an agent of “the Fethullahçı Terror Organization” (FETÖ).

As the celebrations drew to a close at 6 PM local time, Worker’s Spatula members piled into the dolmîşes and bid farewell to their friends at Hüda-Par, who wished them “many more successful years of godless communism.”

Humourless Marxist Reviews: Sausage Party

Dialectics

“Sausage Party” is the latest film from Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg, names most Marxists will recognise for their role in the extremely controversial film “The Interview”, controversial of course because of its retrograde gender politics.

Unfortunately for those hopeful that our thousands of e-mails have enlightened Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg about the ways in which their art reinforces a toxic masculinity and overt chauvinism towards women and sexual minorities, “Sausage Party” is similarly crass and heterosexist. I personally wish I could un-watch it, especially now that I know I have to file a lawsuit for theft of intellectual property.

You see, I sent in a suspiciously similar script entitled “Grocery Store Alienation Nightmare” to Jonah Hill, who owed us a favour after his usual guy got locked up and we hooked him up with some primo FARC blow. Jonah Hill is a massive cocaine addict, is what I’m saying.

Now I always thought Hill’s assessment of my script as “terrible” and “bullshit” and “go kill yourself” was a bit harsh. But even after “Sausage Party” trailers came out, I didn’t suspect the rejection was just cover for stealing my work to profit off of. I understand that not everyone is cut out to write for Hollywood. It’s a tough town. Especially if you’re looking to securely purchase high-quality cocaine with some regularity, Jonah.

But now that I’ve seen the film, it’s obvious: “Sausage Party” is my film, changed from a chilling surrealist fantasy about alienation in contemporary society told through the medium of anthropomorphic foodstuffs and faceless grocery store staff, to a vulgar comedy about sex and religion.

I should be clear: The sex and religion components also stand as evidence for the clear plagiarism at work here. “Grocery Store Alienation Nightmare” also contains hot dogs as stand-ins for for penises and hot dog buns as stand-ins for vaginas. But it is a tasteful hot dog/bun-penis/vagina metaphor set to a soundtrack of melodic death metal. Allow me to quote, to show how the idea of the bun as a mere vessel for the dominance of the hot dog is used as a metaphor to show how differing attitudes towards homosexual men and women are linked to the inherent patriarchal understanding even of these two oppressed groups:

It is no coincidence that while eating hot dogs without a bun is seen as offensive, just as male homosexuality is, it is nonetheless viewed as an act “for itself”. Just as the homosexual man is viewed as pursuing his own (perverse) desires by conservative society, so too is the eater of the bunless hot dog held to be fulfilling their own need to eat (though they may be pitied or mocked for doing so in a “wrong” fashion). However, it is unthinkable to consume a hot dog bun alone. The bun is viewed as “incomplete” without a “filling”, just as lesbians are often accused of not engaging in “legitimate” sex due to the assumed absence of a phallus.

As for religion, there was an extensive section about lavash, but there was no “bagel/lavash” conflict. Instead there was simply a forty page speech about the history of Zionist colonialism which was to be read aloud as the camera hovered motionless over some “Israeli lavash”. The bagel came up in another section in which the reconceptualisation of religion’s role in industrial modernity was investigated. There was a long speech about ISIS which I notice Seth Rogen, Evan Goldberg, and Jonah Hill left out. Wouldn’t want anyone to know the truth, would we?

Even though Rogen, Goldberg, and Hill (who supposedly helped with “the story”, more like cut out the genius concepts which stood at the core of my uncredited original script, you powder-nosed hack!) maintained the concept of a religion surrounding food purchase, they made it so that the food believed some sort of salvation lay in their own purchase. It was precisely the opposite in “Grocery Store Alienation Nightmare”, the productive forces who make the food believe that if they work harder, they will one day be paid enough to be free of the crushing alienation. They pray to the God of Profit to smile on them, but the God of Profit serves only the capitalist class, who neither make nor eat the food! Then, when the food is bought, it goes home to a family who stare at the low-quality food which is all they can afford and the daughter screams: “I’m sick of eating this crap!”

Then the bag of potato chips rises out of the grocery bag and opens its mouth to speak:

The maker does not enjoy making me, and the consumer does not enjoy consuming me. My entire life seems pointless, save for this fact: Were I not made, the maker would not be paid their wages, and would starve. Were I not consumed, the consumer would starve. I reproduce a life of servitude, just like the wages earned from my making and spent on my consumption. But one cannot escape what I represent through my non-purchase. I am the totality. I am capitalism. Only by overturning me may true freedom be attained.

In conclusion, my film “Grocery Store Alienation Nightmare” was clearly plagiarised, and worse yet for the cinema-going public, it wasn’t even plagiarised well.

I’ll see you in court, you fucks.

KP Visitor to Diyarbekir Disgusted by Headscarved Woman

DBekir

DIYARBEKIR/AMED – Ankara “Komünist Parti” cadre Cenk Uğur visited Diyarbekir today, to take in the political culture and make a rational analysis, as well as meet local KP comrades in their office.

Of particular note was the presence of ESP in the city, whose rhetoric and mannerisms Uğur felt especially unbecoming of a supposedly revolutionary socialist organisation:

“Can you believe they had a headscarved woman in their midst? I mean, you guys don’t seem to have any women at all in your ranks, but if you did I’m sure you’d agree with me that they should be completely secular, just like our vision of socialism for Turkey,” explained Uğur to his nodding comrades.

“Well what do you expect from ESP, comrade? They don’t understand socialism like we do. They’re vulgar Kurdish nationalists, so they dress and act and think and talk exactly like the DBP,” responded Şîrvan Öztürk, the apparent leader of the Diyarbekir KP group.

“We need to leave behind all our old prejudices, whether bourgeois Kurdish nationalism or Islam, and build a totally new society. This is what makes the KP special.”

Uğur left very disappointed with Diyarbekir as a whole, but consoled himself with the high quality of his new comrades. Following Uğur’s departure, local KP cadres wasted no time in looking up their new comrade on Facebook, where they harshly judged his sister’s “whorish” appearance.

At press time, Uğur had received friend requests from all the KP cadres in Diyarbekir, along with this message from Öztürk:

It was great meeting you today, comrade. I hope we’ll be able to come out to Ankara to see you, your comrades, and your family. Long live socialism!

Castro: “Honestly, I Wish They Would Assassinate Me”

SadFidel

LA HABANA – Staring at his wrinkled visage in the bathroom mirror, Cuban revolutionary leader Fidel Castro sighed and pantomimed shooting himself in the temple with his hand.

“If I had died years ago, like Che, I would be a hero in the mind of everyone who matters. Now, even the other communists have to feign enthusiasm for me,” he explained to his own reflection before taking a swig of rum, holding back tears as he swallowed.

Mustering up all his courage and strength, the 90-year-old marched out onto the balcony to give a speech to the assembled masses:

“The revolution lives! It’s still alive! It hasn’t dropped dead yet, no matter how much it would like to. The revolution walks and lives and breathes, and certainly isn’t tired of everyone else just staring at it, muttering under their breath instead of picking up the fucking slack for once!”

Fidel’s brother Raúl, sensing tension and unease in the crowd, rushed over to salvage the speech. Covering the microphone with his hand, he whispered: “Fidel, you stink of rum. How much have you had to drink?” Uncovering the microphone, he smiled broadly and announced: “That’s right! We all need to work together! Let’s have the birthday comrade introduce our special guests from Vietnam!”

“It’s Laos!” shouted Fidel indignantly. “They’re not from Vietnam, Vietnam didn’t respond to our invitation, so we invited fucking Laos!”

“But Laos is a very special country too!” corrected a visibly perspiring Raúl. “They built a little republic shaped like a shooting star, and we’re going to have some delicious Laotian food together with them, isn’t that right?” At this juncture, Raúl covered the microphone with his hand once again and adopted a stern facial expression: “You like Laotian food, don’t you Fidel? You’re going to smile and eat it, and shake everyone’s hand, and you’re not going to fuck this up for me, right?”

Sighing, Fidel weakly took hold of the microphone and addressed the crowd again:

“We welcome our very special guests from Laos. We will now retire to the banquet hall to have a dinner and discuss urgent matters of international importance. The revolution in Laos is… are you kidding me?… the revolution in Laos is an inspiration to the people of Cuba, who tirelessly pour every effort into international solidarity, do we ever.”

As the Laotian dignitaries walked over to shake his hand, Fidel leaned into the microphone one last time before they were all shuffled off the balcony inside:

“If the CIA’s listening, just kill me now. I’m so tired of this.”

Tom Watson to Speak at CPGB-ML Event

WatsonCorbyn

LONDON – As the urban guerrilla campaign led by Red London and English Worker’s Spatula correspondents in defence of the Corbyn leadership draws closer and closer to victory, Corbyn’s enemies are trying ever more creative methods to outmanoeuvre the insane communist bent on the destruction of all that Britain holds dear.

“We’re very excited to announce that Comrade Tom Watson will be speaking at a fundraising night for CPGB-ML at the DPRK embassy,” announced Harpal Brar. “Tom Watson has been a great aid to us in exposing the dark reality of Trotskyites supporting Corbyn, and as we know, the principal task of revolutionaries is to crush Trotskyism, wherever it shows its face.”

“I think it’s great,” said Red Youth Chairman and membership Michael Hughes. “I’m glad we’re finally taking the initiative to unite with others to crush the fascist Trotskyite menace once and for all. I’ve been saying we should do this for years. Personally, I cross picket lines all the time just to see the look on the fucking Trots’ faces when I do it.”

Although Watson and the CPGB-ML are united in their hatred of Corbyn and their belief that their conception of “the Trots” are “behind” him, it is not at all clear that British Trotskyists themselves actually support Corbyn in any meaningful way. While groups like the SWP have come out in favour of Corbyn against Smith, they have failed to join Red London in armed struggle to defend his leadership, preferring to walk up to the trenches to sell newspapers and recruit people to the SWP:

“Excuse me, would you like to hear the Socialist Workers Party’s position on Corbyn? We think it’s very exciting to see young people so enthusiastic about fighting the Labour Right, and we want to explain how organisation is really the key to bringing that fight to its logical conclusion,” explained the SWP newspaper salesman as bullets whizzed overhead.

“Yeah, no, I’m just a bit busy right now, actually”, replied the masked woman returning fire at Jack Straw. “Could you come back later?”

“Oh yes, I will do,” said the newspaper salesman as he scurried out of the trench and into a nearby bus shelter.

The Spartacist League, for its part, has come out in favour of Owen Smith, reasoning that “Although we don’t ordinarily support anyone in Labour, it was nice to see him defend international socialism against the Stalinist Corbyn’s proposal for ‘Socialism in One Country’.”

A grouping of former members of the now-dissolved “Permanent Revolution” tendency have likewise offered Owen Smith “critical support” on the grounds that “We had one meeting with him which was quite fruitful, he seemed very enthusiastic about the idea of building a Seventh International together with us. We hope Owen Smith will do for British Trotskyism what Hugo Chávez did for Venezuelan Trotskyism.”

Yelp Reviewer Clearly Using Reviews to Incite People’s War

Yelp

SYDNEY – Following a string of Yelp restaurant reviews by one “JungleTiger” which paid scant attention to the quality of food and service but dedicated paragraphs to non sequitur statements about the history of the international communist movement and the wait staff’s views thereon, it has become clear that the author of these reviews is pursuing a strategy of utilising Yelp reviews to further the accumulation of forces for a coming “People’s War”.

“Teras Bali is a decent restaurant. I particularly liked the seafood. Indonesia is a country with a rich and storied history and culture. But a part of it many Australians might not know much about is the way that the mighty PKI was unable to achieve victory despite what appeared to be quite favourable circumstances, because unfortunately the universal truth of Protracted People’s War had not yet been revealed by the RIM’s groundbreaking analysis of Mao’s contributions to the proletarian ideology. The result was the massacre of millions. And yet the bourgeois Peruvians over at La Perrillada want to tell me about how bad Abimael Guzmán was!”

The account has reviewed numerous Chinese restaurants in the Sydney area, and even other metropolitan areas of Australian, including Melbourne and Adelaide (which is a hole). Statistical analysis reveals a clear pattern by which restaurants whose wait staff recall the Great Proletarian Cultural Revolution more fondly receive higher reviews. The account’s single five-star review belongs to a restaurant in Sydney where an older waiter joined the reviewer in singing along to Cultural Revolution songs on their iPhone:

“毛泽东思想是不落的太阳!”

A hole-in-the-wall Albanian restaurant was added to the web site by “JungleTiger” simply so they could review it. The review in its entirety reads “Bloody dogmato-revisionists”.