Jordan Peterson Declines Invitation to Debate Worker’s Spatula


Worker’s Spatula have recently received a response from Jordan Peterson to our invitation to a debate on “Marxism and modernity”, stating that Mr. Peterson “feels he has already sufficiently expressed his views in his previous debate with the most serious Marxist thinker alive today, Slavoj Žižek, and does not need to engage with fanatical Stalinists just because they have their own blogs”. We consider this to be a clear statement of intellectual cowardice by a fraudulent “thinker” who refuses to engage in critical discourse to arrive at the truth. In short, we hold that Mr. Peterson is trying to create a “safe space” around himself where he does not have to be confronted by new ideas.

The debate was proposed to take place in the form of our first ever live Facebook video broadcast at one of our Spatula iftar dinners which we hold every night of Ramadan here in Vienna, where our central committee are plotting our next move in our ongoing campaign against the existence of Liechtenstein, the worst country in the world, and very likely Peterson’s model for a perfect society.

Jordan Peterson, for those who are not aware, is a “famous” “Canadian” “intellectual”, who tragically and accurately represents English Canada as a settler-colonial reproduction of England in all its imperialist economic “progress” and political reaction, a vulgar, undialectical, intellectually destitute cultural wasteland which will hopefully be cleansed by the healing fire of the righteous liberation movements of the downtrodden indigenous masses, just as England will hopefully be destroyed by y Mab Darogan.

In case any of them are reading this, unaware of who we are and what we do, unlike Jordan Peterson and his followers, Worker’s Spatula are a weird cult which doesn’t believe in assigning women to men under the rubric of “enforced monogamy”, but on the contrary, believes that the only acceptable cishet relationship is that of a woman who owns multiple men who are subordinate to her ownership over them until gender is abolished in full communism. Allow us to quote from our model of how to fix the “chaos” of gender politics under the bourgeois patriarchy in the throes of capitalist crisis:

that baby was conceived the natural way for cishets: by a woman who was head of her own matriarchal harem in which the men she controls stay in their place, and give her dick when she asks for it, and do not let their eyes stray to other women. “Who’s the father?” a nurse asks the heroic mother of this rebel baby, motioning towards her man-harem on the other side of the room. “I don’t know,” she replies, “some man,” she laughs, and the nurse laughs, and the doctor laughs, and the baby laughs, but the men do not laugh, because it is shameful for a man to laugh in public, for it may arouse the desires of strange women.

While we regret that we cannot bring our loyal readers such a thrilling debate which captures the exciting Zeitgeist of the ideological struggles being waged over the midst of capitalist-imperialist modernity in the midst of crisis, we would nonetheless like to share our original letter to Jordan Peterson. It follows in unedited format:

In the name Allāh, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful, in the name of Marx, Engels, Lenin, and Stalin (SAW), we seek refuge in the dialectic of history from Trotsky, the accursed.

We write to you on behalf of Worker’s Spatula, the intellectual vanguard of the vanguard of the vanguard of world revolution on behalf of all poor and oppressed. Despite the fact that we have been completely ignored by the bourgeois press, we are widely recognised as the premiere source of anti-revisionist communism on the internet, and if the scoundrel and reactionary Jordan Peterson is not afraid to have his arguments “calmly destroyed” by us, he will confront us in the form of debate.

We, Worker’s Spatula, request, nay, demand that Jordan Peterson travel to Vienna to be taken, blindfolded, to our Anti-Liechtenstein Marxist-Leninist Headquarters for Hegel and Qur’ān Studies to take part in a debate over an iftar dinner, as we are fasting during Ramadan. This debate will naturally be broadcast live over the internet, and will consist of members of our editorial staff rebutting his mistaken ideas in a proper dialectical and materialist fashion.

We propose the following topics for debate, to which Mr. Peterson or his representatives may propose revisions or additions:

–Has Jordan Peterson actually read Marx with any more closeness than your average Canadian university student forced to do so for a class taught by a sociology professor who probably doesn’t have any revolutionary commitments to begin with? The simplicity of his “rebuttals” is matched only by the dishonesty of his mischaracterisations. “Pop quiz”-style questions about basic assertions of Marx’s theoretical approach will be peppered throughout the debate, delivered in a cartoonish falsetto by a leftcom.

–Subjectivity and objectivity, specifically Jordan Peterson’s commitment to a supposedly objective truth, but a priori imposes his own subjective views, interests, etc. as necessary conditions for reasonable inclusion in ideological discourse. Like that fucking trick he pulls where he insists universities are for being confronted by “often horrible” ideas, as if students are demanding a form of censorship by objecting to ideological indoctrination by people who think like him, while simultaneously demanding the defunding of academic subjects who are unlike him.

–Where do lobster witches live? Since witches are a Jungian archetype from which we cannot escape, and human social life can be explained entirely through analogies gleaned from your expert knowledge about lobsters, are there swamp lobsters or… how does that work?

–Why? Why few women?

We hope that we will receive a prompt response, and we further hope that Mr. Peterson will not take the coward’s way out, and will defend his ideals of hierarchical western civilisation or whatever.

In struggle (against you),
–Worker’s Spatula

We hope that our regular readers, as well as Jordan Peterson’s fans, will sign the petition based on this original e-mail to make this debate happen and settle, once and for all, who is right: Stalin or Jordan Peterson? (it’s Stalin)

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Point/Counterpoint: Theory or Practice?


Point: Your theory is bourgeois idealism, stop confusing the proletariat (me)
by Toilers’ Party for Global Freedom representative

Worker’s Spatula, shut the fuck up! Nobody gives a fucking shit about dianetics, nobody fucking knows who Steven Engels is, and for sure nobody fucking cares which part of the social-fascist deMOCKratic “$ociali$t$” of ameriKKKa (d$a) is better than which other part. You need to stop using so many big words to cover up for what you’re doing: spreading social-democratic and reformist views that serve imperialism and pave the way for fascism.

Fuck your propaganda for the Zionist psyop “Rojava” and the social-imperialist Jeremy Corbyn, fuck your stupid reading list which just confuses the proletariat (me), and especially fuck your claim to being anti-revisionist Stalinists when you don’t even uphold the immortal thought of Comrade President Xi. You’re nothing but fucking Trots, with your “movement building” and your “quantitative change” and your “blocking me from your Facebook page”. But what do you have to show for it? Pages and pages of bullshit nobody wants to read because it doesn’t relate to materialism.

While you were spreading your idealism, my party, the Toilers’ Party for Global Freedom, was engaged in real fucking revolutionary practice. We confronted your imperialist Sanderbot friends at some Fight for $15 bullshit, chanting “BERNIE KILLED ROSA” while waving the flag of the ONLY Korea, the North one, and the flag of the only Syrians, the SSNP. We’re fighting fascism in its most dangerous form, as the ANTISOFA front against social-fascism, while you’re all in the library or Melbourne or wherever the fuck you are.

While I can’t organise any workers because of that book Settlers, the one good thing your dumb site has recommended I read, I can say I’m personally doing more for proletarian revolution here in the so-called “United” States than any of you are doing in any country in the world, even if you are organising workers: I’m at the firing range every week, getting ready for the fucking people’s war against UnKKKle $am. I bet that pisses you off, doesn’t it?

More like “Imperialist’s Spatula”.

And stop over-complicating Leninism with your stupid quotes, you revisionists. You may be able to quote a lot of bullshit, but if Lenin were alive today, he’d answer you just as he answered the revisionists in his day with his 11th Thesis: OPPOSE BOOK WORSHIP.

Counterpoint: Stalinist practice is the result of Stalinist theory.
by the only Marxist on the internet

That was a marvelous display of ignorance, typical of Stalinists like the ones who run this sorry excuse for a website which has agreed to host my rebuttal.

I am sure no actual Marxists are even reading this, just the same sort of Stalinists who run this page, but I was promised a case of some truly choice pinot noir in exchange for a counterpoint in defence of Marxist theory, so here we are:

The claims of “revolutionary practice” by Stalinists mirror their claims of defending “actually existing socialism”. This faux-materialism is nothing more than a constellation of vulgar left-nationalisms which are bourgeois in the first and final instance, all attempts to dress them up otherwise notwithstanding.

Could you pop open one of those pinot noirs for me? No, no need for a glass, just uncork it and set it down there.

I’m sure Worker’s Spatula were hoping I was simply planning on rebutting the pithy pseudo-revolutionism displayed in the outbursts of this child from the so-called “Toilers’ Party for Global Freedom”. I suspect Worker’s Spatula editors forget all those times they called me a “leftcom waste of oxygen” and “gainsaying wrecker neo-Trotskyite filth”. Then use me as a hired gun who can be bought off with a few bottles of pinot to gainsay your ideological enemies within the Stalinist movement???

Don’t take that away, I’m still drinking that!

Well, I haven’t forgotten. I haven’t forgotten anything. It’s always you Stalinists who forget things. You forget how many of your heroes wouldn’t be up to your own standards of Marxist theoretical rigour, you’ve forgotten how many un-self-criticised zig-zags and re-un-self-criticised re-zig-re-zags you’ve been responsible for throughout your confused 20th century aborted attempt at marrying assorted “anti-imperialist” bourgeois nationalisms with Marxism predicated on a few out-of-context Marx quotes, and now you’re doing it all over again with 21st century identity politics and whatever unsettled nationalist scores you can still muster in 2018! You fucking hacks! You expect me to treat you any differently from these first day communist kids because you can hobble together some Hegelese? You think I’ll view you as equals because you could hold your own in a debate with Žižek? Anyone with enough coke in their system who’s taken more than one semester of philosophy can pull that off! How long will your fraud go unexposed?

Your future will be the same as all of those who have gone before you, and picking on stupid kids who can’t tell the difference between the Bolshevik Party and Phalangists won’t change that. One day your opportunism will overpower your intellectualism and you’ll be right there next to them, you won’t be joking when you claim Trump is pushing history forward because of some ill-defined “contradictions”, your US comrades will be low-level functionaries in some washed-up post-DSA “popular front”, your German comrades will be little Horst Mahlers, your British comrades will be in the Green Party, your Australian comrades will still be in the Green Party, and any of your Turkish and Kurdish comrades who aren’t dead will be Doğu Perinçek and the PUK, respectively.

I can see the future through my superior understanding of the dialectic of class struggle, “comrades”, and I can tell you in the end everyone will see what frauds and fake Marxists you were, like all the Stalinists before you. One day, history will look back and see that I was the only real Marxist on the internet.

And then maybe, just maybe, someone will read my blog.

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Humourless Marxist Reviews: Avengers: Infinity War


Avengers: Infinity War is the 17th film in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. The film (which one would think was a sequel to 2015’s Avengers: Age of Ultron), follows a group of mainly unrecognisable characters fighting some sort of space goblin with a magic glove.

As far as our team of reviewers could ascertain, the space thing has to get all these stones, right? And each of the stones represents one aspect of the universe (love, peace, mind, sex, and love), which will allow him to murder half the universe in an instant. The bad elf guy has been trying to do this for ages, as explained by the film’s witty protagonist Tony Starks in rap form:

Classic genocide, slick gun material; burnt up bodies that rock with no burial.

The Avengers are made up of a diverse group of heroes: Iron Man, Iron Man’s child soldier, Thor, Trife Da God, the Scarlet Witch, and some rubbish robot who can’t fight properly despite being a baddie in the last film. Together, they form a guerilla foco determined to take down the space troll. Iron Man is the clear leader, whose critiques of his comrades are confident and full of the expected revolutionary language. Who can forget his words during a struggle session at Starks Towers in Captain Ameri[KKK]a: Civil War, 2015:

Oportünizm bukalemun gibidir. Çeşitli kılıklara bürünerek sosyalist hareket içinde ortaya çıkar. Oportünizmin kılık kıyafetini o ülkenin ekonomik ve sosyal bünyesi, işçi sınıfının politik bilinç ve örgütlenme seviyesi, kısaca ülkenin içinde bulunduğu devrimci aşamanın niteliği belirler. Ancak her çeşit oportünizm proletaryanın devrimci potansiyeline inanmamaya dayanır.

But “revolutionary potential” is just that: potential. “Belief” in this “potential” is no substitute for a holistic strategy and appropriate tactics built out of a united struggle through and with the proletarian masses. At the end of Civil War, our plucky heroes are convinced of Iron Man’s line simply because of the ferocity of his argumentation against Captain AmeriKKKa, and decide to become öncü savaşçılar fighting against any and all threats to humanity or the universe or something.

Güya haklılarmış, kazanacaklar mı?

So in Avengers: Infinity War, they’re fighting their final battle in Africa, which, like Che Guevara’s struggle in the Congo, is tragically doomed to failure. On the plains of Wakanda, with the help of T’Challa, a “milli burjuva” king with similar adventurist tendencies, the gang fights against a load of the stupid space orcs (but smaller than the main one). The main one then kills the robot who has the Sex stone in his head, and then kills half of everyone else.

Oh yeah, spoilers.

So at the end of the film, sitting on a wooden porch looking across the verdant green hills and pastures of a world he has just committed genocide on, the space king sighs, content that his work is done. One might imagine Hitler, in the Berghof, contemplating his work in a world where Stalin had fallen into similar ultra-left error as the so-called “Avengers”.

Is that what you want, Russo Brothers? For Hitler to win? Fuck that.

On behalf of Worker’s Spatula, we award this film one solitary red star out of five red stars.

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Where does the East Bay DSA Stand on Universal Suffrage?


A very simple challenge for the Bread and Roses clique and the East Bay DSA leadership: please publicly denounce the eugenicist Benjamin Studebaker’s view that not everyone should have the right to vote, and publicly denounce the Republican Party in the US South’s racist suppression of Afro-American votes.

If they respond with silence to this simple test, as they have to all of the Spatula’s eloquent and thorough critiques, it will be hard for any observer to deny that Bread and Roses are actual racists and fascists, or at the very least actively courting racists and fascists to the exclusion of everyone else.

PS: We promise to stop posting pieces about East Bay DSA for a while.

#SaveEBDSA: Conclusion and Beginning


On behalf of the Worker’s Spatula Bay Area Detachment of Militant Correspondents and Fast Food Workers, we greet you, dear friends and comrades of the East Bay DSA.

We want to begin by saying:

We are sorry.

We are sorry we didn’t gather forces in the East Bay quicker, just as we are sorry we are still gathering friends around the world, the invisible army of the poor and oppressed that is Worker’s Spatula. Further, one of our heroic writers had been insisting we direct our time and resources towards the Working-Class Unity and Power slate of the East Bay DSA for some time, and only near the very end did we take up this important task of real-world politics. Had we intervened earlier, perhaps we would have had a more favourable result.

There are those who would blame the extremely undemocratic means the East Bay DSA had been run, under the dictatorial control of the bastard and shit Jeremy Gong, for any losses on our side, or, put another way, for any single victory by the crypto-fascist Bread and Roses clique. These people are objectively right, and the fact that all of the DSA’s resources, from its propaganda on the internet to organisation-internal communication channels and information crucial to recruitment certainly contributed to the favourable result these absolute villains achieved. Further, we dispute the validity of every single absentee/”proxy” vote which was across the board in favour of the treasonous Bread and Roses slate.

Definitely we agree with this general take, that they had everything and we had nothing, and that’s why they won. You may recognise this as exactly what happened to Sanders when he went up against Clinton.

However, we must also see our own subjective role in this. It was inevitable that the enemy, being in their totality an enemy force, and not merely some misguided friends (even if some within may individually seem to be mere misguided friends), would use every method in their hands to advance their goal of selfish sabotage of the project of the collective. Why should they not? We know that they have never loved the people and never sought to criticise all existing conditions (including themselves) for the good of the people. That is our goal, and we too will use every method in our disposal (“any means necessary”, if you will) to advance and defend the interest of all poor and oppressed and empower them in unity and struggle.

When we started, our About page had a joke about how we will “take credit for any revolutionary success anywhere in the world” but “will disavow any responsibility for failure”, or something to that effect. During an internal criticism session, it was pointed out that even as a joke, this had the effect of encouraging the extremely wrong tendency among leftists of every tradition to see their own agency in victories but see the agency of the enemy in their failures. “We lost the Cold War because of the imperialists!” “We won WWII because Stalin was so strong!”

One could easily claim the reverse, however, that we lost the Cold War because of our mistakes (there is much truth in this), and that we won WWII because of weaknesses of the Nazis which Stalin exploited (again, not untrue).

It is this contradiction between various subjectivities that makes up the totality of ideological and political struggle. Once again, we as the Spatula must make clear that had we in particular intervened much earlier, the result could have been more positive, and therefore we take responsibility for every single inch of ground which the crypto-fascist Bread and Roses clique held onto. We apologise to all of our friends and comrades in the East Bay DSA and pledge to continue working with them from here on out to the best of our ability. We will build stronger networks, we will help with propaganda, we commit our resources to helping build and advance real revolutionary and socialist solidarity in the East Bay.

And this is the essential point of criticism, comrades. We criticise and self-criticise because we want to do better. Criticism is a most revolutionary intervention into any sphere of life, but especially politics. By criticising in a correct Marxist-Leninist fashion, we can in fact elevate our political practice. And let us be clear: we have already achieved some victories through this campaign.

Firstly, of course, there is the general question of propaganda. Our enemies, the Bread and Roses clique, who probably deny the Armenian Genocide so as to not alienate potential Republican Turkish voters in New Jersey or something, have exercised a dictatorial control of the East Bay DSA channels of propaganda and internal communication, not only against minority dissenters, but even on quite popular points where their narrow clique is isolated but holds political power and thus feels it can dictate the truth from above, like Allah revealing the Noble Qur’ān to the Prophet Muhammad (SAW).

Such a belief is, of course, a form of shirk, and contrary to Islamic belief. As devout Ja’faris and partisans of Ali, Vicegerent of Allah, we sought the guidance of Ayatollah Sheikh Mohammad Al-Yaqoobi on this important question, and he advised us to use our own propaganda channels to carry out counter-propaganda against this crypto-fascist clique who mock our religion and our politics with their very existence.

The opportunist scoundrels and careerist idiots of the wrecker Bread and Roses clique fear our heroic propaganda because it tells the truth. They silence all dissent within the East Bay DSA and close off all channels to the heroic dissenters who speak for the revolutionary masses from Fruitvale to Fremont. This organisation-internal dictatorship, however, masks a deep insecurity which is obvious from the lack of reaction to Worker’s Spatula’s heroic interventions.

Jeremy Gong and his Bread and Roses clique can never respond to Worker’s Spatula because they know that they do not command either the popular support in the revolutionary movement at large nor the theoretical and practical knowledge of Marxism, the world, and politics to go toe to toe with such a mighty force as Worker’s Spatula. Respond to our critiques? They dare not speak our name! Yet we have continued our propaganda assault, and we will continue it, until enough forces have been gathered and a concrete strategy is formulated to take down this wrecker clique once and for all, and rebuild a platform for popular front activity for all revolutionaries and socialists in the East Bay.

This day will come. Already, little by little, the revolutionary masses are waking up to the unique threat of Jeremy Gong, and the universal opportunist-careerist-wrecker-crypto-fascist politics he represents within our movement. More and more, the mere mention of his name evokes revulsion by the youth. High school students hiss and jeer as he passes. Elementary school students throw garbage at him. The day will come soon when a baby is born in Oakland, and their first words as they are handed to their adoring mother for the first time in the hospital will be “fuck Jeremy Gong” as they raise an adorable little middle finger to the sky, only to shift it over into a victory sign, and then clench a tiny little fist of anti-fascist anger.

That is one cute baby. What’s more, that baby was conceived the natural way for cishets: by a woman who was head of her own matriarchal harem in which the men she controls stay in their place, and give her dick when she asks for it, and do not let their eyes stray to other women. “Who’s the father?” a nurse asks the heroic mother of this rebel baby, motioning towards her man-harem on the other side of the room. “I don’t know,” she replies, “some man,” she laughs, and the nurse laughs, and the doctor laughs, and the baby laughs, but the men do not laugh, because it is shameful for a man to laugh in public, for it may arouse the desires of strange women.

Deal with that, patriarchy. Deal with that, Jeremy Gong.

At any rate, Jeremy Gong is not happy with this result either. He is like Erdoğan when he won that election, but it was obvious he didn’t have the whole country in his pocket like he thought. He now has to work with two Working-Class Unity and Power people, including our dear friend Hasan. We are exposing Jeremy Gong as the most hated person in the DSA every day. Bear witness to the poll where people were asked “Who is a bigger fraud and scoundrel as a ‘socialist’?” between Jeremy Gong and known unpopular guy Phil Greaves. No matter how hated Phil Greaves is, Jeremy Gong hangs tight with him. We could’ve lost every single seat in that election, but he can’t make the reality that people hate him as much as the most hated “leftist” on Twitter go away.

Further, they are exposing themselves at the same time. Jeremy Gong gave perhaps the least confident and most patronising “left” speech ever delivered in the history of the DSA. There was no vision, only desperate hatred for everyone but himself. One of the other Bread and Roses scoundrels also suggested that the DSA should be running candidates in the South as Republicans. This goes against their supposed “hero” Sanders’s plan for a “50-state strategy”, a reference to the voter suppression of Afro-Americans in the Black Belt South: they want to abandon Afro-Americans who are desperate to take part in the legal electoral democratic politics the DSA as a whole is focused on, and desperate to do so in a way that would objectively pull local politics “left”, simply because the Bread and Roses slate thinks only white people matter no matter what. It is good that this was exposed and we must continue to emphasise this point which should make even the most reformist Democrat squirm, and if they do not issue an official retraction we must assume they have no firm line on whether or not racist voter suppression by the Republican Party is wrong or not.

Yes, the convention handed a propaganda victory to us through Bread and Roses’s own rhetoric by calling into question whether or not they support Jim Crow.

The Steering Committee results are now in, and yes, most of the seats went to the hated Bread and Roses clique, in line with the earlier Priorities Resolutions result. Bread and Roses won in an electoral sense, the only thing that matters to the heartless Clintonite monsters of the Bread and Roses clique headed by the reactionary agent Jeremy Gong. But it was a victory for us in a very real sense. It was a victory that we got two good revolutionaries on the Steering Committee. It was a victory that 67 brave souls showed up, in person, to vote against this garbage Priorities Resolution and the defeatist, pro-oppressor “socialism” it represents. You 67, you were in that room. Go find the other 66 people. Hug them. Exchange phone numbers. Befriend them. Learn about their struggles. Become a network of genuine human solidarity. 67 is not a small number of people to consciously challenge imperialist “social democracy” together in one place.

These 67 are the heroes, the very front line of the rebel youth, the heroic masses, the future. They should all work and learn and build together.

We would like to thank @NireBryce, one of the real heroes of the day, for tweeting the most of the proceedings of anyone, almost all the way to the end. That is exhausting work, not only having to type so much, but keep track of what people are saying, often rapidly, while you type. Let’s all thank them for their heroic work!

Regarding the Steering Committee, one of the Working-Class Unity and Power candidates who is now a Steering Committee member is the one that we as Worker’s Spatula endorsed: Hasan. Dear sweet Hasan, the solitary link between the East Bay DSA and the struggles of the downtrodden Turkish people who have lived under CIA-backed fascist dictatorship for decades, and the unspeakably oppressed Kurdish people who suffer under the most horrific colonial subjugation and violence, whose anti-colonial struggle in Rojava has been raised up to an international struggle of all suffering humanity, which drew Californian DSA member Michael Israel to fight in its defence, where he fell as a martyr. Hasan not only supports this link, Hasan lives it and speaks it every day by being Hasan, the living truth of the experience of the gurbetçis, all immigrants, all LGBT, all resisters. Hasan is the Anatolian angel of unity, the beautiful face of victory.

As our Turkish comrades always say, “bu daha başlangıç, mücadeleye devam”: “this is just the beginning, the struggle continues”. The scoundrels of the Bread and Roses clique may continue to hold back the democratisation of the chapter and the flow of information within and around it, but we can build our own channels, and we call on all our friends and comrades to speak with us about this work. We will continue to work together with all progressive forces to bring down these enemies of the people, and they know that we can succeed.

Already we have done a lot. Jeremy Gong is now known across the US as a condescending, sectarian, petty little man who thinks anyone to his left has mental health issues, insulting both to those of us who suffer from mental health issues and to the values of democracy and socialism he upholds in word only. Such a “leader” cannot last long if they are exposed.

We will succeed, because we are right. The truth is on our side in this fight. Always tell the truth. And the truth is this: Jeremy Gong is Adolf Hitler.

Fuck Jeremy Gong.

–Worker’s Spatula Bay Area Detachment of Militant Correspondents and Fast Food Workers (MORE COMMUNICATIONS TO FOLLOW)

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Focoism or PPW?


Euzübillahimineşşeytanirracim Bismillahirrahmanirrahim. It is time we talk with our dear readers, our sisters and brothers in faith, about certain münafık tendencies among the Maocular.

It is well known that the majority of the people behind our page are followers of Imam Enver Hoxha. Those who are not consider themselves anti-revisionist Marxist-Leninists without reference to Albania or China. But nonetheless we have always sought cordial relations with the truly anti-revisionist followers of Imam Mao.

However, we can remain silent no longer. While we obviously hold that many of the positions of RIM Maoists are reasonable and good, we must take issue with this doctrine of Protracted People’s War, which as is obvious, is in flagrant opposition to the doctrine of Focoism that all the rest of us hold to be central to our theory and practice.

So long as any so-called anti-revisionists fail to grasp the centrality of Focoism

…okay, only the Maoists should still be reading at this point. Nobody else could possibly care this much about the so-called “question” of “Focoism or PPW”.

Hey Maoists, how are you doing?

We’ve obviously had some disagreements in the past, but we like to think most of you who would take the time to read our “dogmato-revisionist” site are fairly reasonable. And in return, we hope that you recognise our good will in spite of our differences.

We need to talk to you about Jeremy fucking Gong.

At the time of publication, there are just over 24 hours until the East Bay DSA Steering Committee election. Jeremy Gong and his Bread and Roses clique of Kautskyite wreckers have probably already used Friday’s absentee or “proxy” voting to stuff the ballot boxes with votes in favour of their slate against the righteous and popular Working-Class Unity and Power slate that we support. Come Sunday’s election in Oakland, we’re naturally concerned the election may already be rigged against us. If the crypto-fascist neo-Mensheviks of the Bread and Roses slate make it through the election process on Sunday, our worst fears will be confirmed, and worse still, the dictatorial power the revisionist and scoundrel Jeremy Gong wields over the East Bay branch of the DSA will likely go unchecked for the foreseeable future.

We know most of you don’t care about DSA, and that’s just fine, but surely you want to do a solidarity for your old friends at the Spatula? ‘Course you do!

Can you use your connections to make any Maoists in the Bay Area converge on the convention in Oakland on Sunday so as to be ready in the event of a fraudulent result (any result where any single Bread and Roses candidate is actually elected)?

We don’t want you to hurt anyone. Can you just set something on fire, ideally a ballot box (you know, like Sendero Luminoso), as a show of force?

We just need the Gongites to be afraid of us if they are able to fraudulently keep Working-Class Unity and Power (and especially dear, dear Hasan) off the Steering Committee, so that we still have space to manoeuvre. They have to know that we’re not sahipsiz, you know?

Look, if your people in the Bay Area need convincing, let’s just put it this way: Hasan’s favourite Armani Depaul is “Cookies and Milk”. That’s a deep goddamn cut, which shows how much Hasan loves Oakland. You know what Jeremy Gong and his shitty friends in Bread and Roses’ favourite Armani Depaul song is?

“Piano Man” by Billy Joel.

Anyway, thanks Maoists, we owe you one.

Image credit: Modern Chinese Literature and Culture Resource Center at the Ohio State University

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Che Guevara T-Shirt Worn Ironically Ironically Ironically


BUENOS AIRES – Tomás Loggia, medical student at the Universidad de Buenos Aires, recently returned from a trip to Uruguay sporting a Che Guevara t-shirt, on several levels of irony still being calculated by friends and family.

Loggia, who is indeed a Marxist, though not affiliated with the best Marxist organisation in Argentina, the PCR, had purchased the t-shirt with at least three levels of irony in mind:

“I saw a young man in Cordón wearing a Che Guevara shirt, and he looked like such a terrible bourgeois hipster, and I thought, he must be doing it ironically. How funny would it be if I were to buy such a shirt and wear it myself, as a Marxist, making fun of non-Marxists wearing Che Guevara shirts, especially those bourgeois hipsters who are only doing it ironically. And ironically, I’m also bourgeois by class background, and doing a kind of ironic hipster thing, but ironically, I’m a Marxist, but appropriating… I mean… do you see what I did there?”

Loggia’s girlfriend, one Ms. Sofía Bergman, considered it fairly ironic that Loggia thinks anyone would appreciate any levels of irony in his shirt distinct from the level on which Loggia understood the Montevidean hipster’s fashion choice.

“Maybe that’s it?” she offered desperately, “Maybe he’s ironically ironically wearing this ironic t-shirt because he knows no one will appreciate the irony?”

Loggia’s younger brother Sergio pointed out that like the famous revolutionary, his elder brother is studying medicine at UBA, “but is that ironic? Or just a coincidence?”

On a related note, Loggia’s childhood friend Juan Romero [editorial note: no relation] spent about an hour trying to calculate if the t-shirt’s irony will increase, decrease, or remain the same depending on whether Loggia completes his studies and becomes a bourgeois doctor. At time of press, Romero was reading about motor scooters on Wikipedia following a series of Wikipedia tangents.

Others have noted additional levels of irony: Loggia’s maternal aunt noted the irony of her nephew’s ironic purchase as a communist, not because of that stupid misconception that communists purchasing things is somehow “ironic”, but because Loggia is advertising a non-existent guerrilla affiliation as a joke in public in the same city where her first lover was disappeared by the Argentine state on suspicion of working closely with the ERP at a time when Marxists took great care to conceal even the faintest hint of their views and affiliations.

His body has not been recovered to this day.

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Worker’s Spatula Kick Off North American Healthcare Roadshow


North Americans rejoice! Following the dreadful events in Toronto, Workers Spatula have teamed up with local communist organisations to offer specific healthcare initiatives to target populations uncovered by present federal and state policies.

Watch out for the Workers Spatula trucks, which will be coming to different towns across North America each week for the rest of the year with our trained healthcare staff!

Yes, that’s right. We’re carrying out direct action to bring healthcare to the people, which, despite Jeremy fucking Gong‘s well-known passion for healthcare, is something he won’t support us in doing because of how much he hates direct action.

Yes, this is especially tragic given that our teams have been sent into the field to deal with a medical issue which affects many men who support Jeremy Gong: this initiative is particularly aimed at “incels”, that is, the far-right 4chan dwellers who hate women who won’t have sex with them. Workers Spatula intend to administer a quick and easy procedure to solve this condition and greatly improve sufferers’ quality of life, free of charge!

The benefits to castration for incels are clear:

-Quick, relatively safe operation
-Reduced proclivity to violence, particularly as it:
-Ends stress over the fact that women (rather understandably) won’t touch you
-More free time, lowers internet addiction
-Fast-track opportunities into the Byzantine civil service!

So come on down, incels! Or, if there’s an incel in your life, bring them down, kicking and screaming as necessary! Enjoy the benefits of the Workers Spatula trucks, free of charge and paid for by our generous readers, which is to say, Stefan Engel.

Other services available:
-The kicking-in of fascist
-Capping of knees for black and tans
-Lacing of necks for members of the Afrikaner Broederbond
-AND MORE! Please contact us for details.

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Point/Counterpoint: Jeremy Gong


Point: Jeremy Gong is Hillary Clinton
by Ray O’Light of the Revolutionary Organization of Labor – USA

Dear friends,
It seems our attention is drawn once again to California for an election. But this time not for an election sanctioned by the state, but by the local East Bay branch of the Democratic Socialists of America, an all-US organization made popular in the aftermath of the progressive petty bourgeois social-democrat Bernie Sanders campaign for president which our forces supported.

On the one side stands the so-called “Bread and Roses” slate, headed by Jeremy Gong, who cannot seem to make a single political argument without legitimizing themselves through Bernie Sanders, their “socialist” hero. On the other stands the Working-Class Unity and Power slate, which stands for uniting the reformist demands of the rising “socialist” tide associated with Sanders with the rightful demands of Afro-Americans, LGBT, and other marginalized folks.

It should come as no surprise which side we endorse. The San Francisco Bay Area shows great potential for revolutionary struggle, and we are heartened to hear through Worker’s Spatula that some of our readers are engaged in the Working-Class Unity and Power slate’s campaign to bring down the “Bread and Roses” clique, composed as far as we understand of Trotskyites and other imperialist tools masquerading as socialists. The Working-Class Unity and Power slate, on the other hand, despite its ideological diversity, seems committed to confronting fascism, imperialism, and capitalism, on a platform we can say is excellent, even exemplary given the current conjecture.

We hope that this will be the first step towards more intense vanguard struggle on behalf of the working class, oppressed nationalities, women, LGBT, and other marginalized folks in the San Francisco Bay Area and across California.

We must, however, warn our young friends and comrades of the East Bay DSA that Jeremy Gong, despite posing himself as a Sanders with every self-congratulatory breath he takes, shows all the tell-tale signs of being a Clinton. The “Bread and Roses” clique will attempt to use all power in their hands to do to the Working-Class Unity and Power slate what Clinton did in June 2016: Gong and his Trotskyite followers may use their control of the mechanisms of the East Bay DSA communication and electoral process to divert the attention of the less organized masses in the East Bay DSA and declare their own slate victorious without even counting the votes, if they do not resort to ballot box-stuffing, intimidation, or even violence.

Jeremy Gong, like Hillary Clinton, believes in a “progress” that must be legitimized by its “popularity”, a popularity they get to define in terms of the views shaped the organs of bourgeois media in the service of imperialism, when they are not simply declaring themselves popular through these same channels without any regard to the masses themselves! Jeremy Gong, like Hillary Clinton, want to have Sanders’s petty bourgeois progressivism on their own terms, without even Sanders’s own bold stances against Wall Street in the legal electoral sphere!

Jeremy Gong can tell everyone who will listen that he aspires to be Bernie Sanders all he likes, but we were on the Sanders campaign trail working to push it further while defending its positive qualities against the enemy. If Jeremy Gong had been there, which he wasn’t, he would’ve been one of those “helpful” Clinton supporters telling Sanders and his supporters to “be realistic”, every single step of the way!

A vote for Jeremy Gong or anyone in his “Bread and Roses” clique is a vote for Hillary Clinton, not Bernie Sanders. If the masses in the East Bay DSA really want to carry Sanders’s progressive message of fighting Wall Street rule forward, they will not only vote for Working-Class Unity and Power on April 29th, they will arrive early and united, prepared for any treachery and trickery Jeremy Gong has planned! Not only with our votes, with our voices and our actions, we must show Jeremy Gong what Working-Class Unity and Power is!

Contact us at: Boxholder
607 Boylston St. Lower Level Box 464
Boston, MA 02116 USA

Counterpoint: Jeremy Gong is Adolf Hitler
by Worker’s Spatula Representative

With all due respect for Brother Ray and the Revolutionary Organization of Labor – USA, the only US ICOR affiliate and most heroic Marxist-Leninist voice in that country, we must disagree. We have been speaking extensively to our correspondents in the East Bay, and it is clear to us that Jeremy Gong is not a DSA local equivalent to Hillary Clinton, but to Nazi dictator Adolf Hitler!

Hillary Clinton, while she does not care at all for the poor, the oppressed, or revolutionaries, and indeed, like all bourgeois imperialist stooges, actively aids in undermining our struggle, is not a reflection of any particular stage of the crisis. There have been Hillary Clintons for decades, and there will be Hillary Clintons for years to come.

Jeremy Gong, however, connects himself to the crisis for the same objective and subjective reasons as all fascists: he seeks to subvert the rising socialist movement in the crisis and replace it with a form of “struggle” conducive to the interests of capital. Replacing class struggle with a meaningless “socialism” which actively harms the oppressed, Jeremy Gong’s brand of “socialism” is about as meaningful as the “national socialism” espoused by the Nazi party.

Jeremy Gong and his clique want to use underhanded means to sweep aside the communists and all revolutionaries, so he can rise to power as a champion of the petty bourgeoisie, the labour aristocracy, and the most opportunistic elements of the lumpenproletariat. His brand of “socialism” will bring nothing but misery to the oppressed nationalities of the imperialist United States, whose neighbourhoods will be filled with jackbooted fascist police forces at his beck and call, whose terror will be used to keep them in line, while communists are disappeared in the middle of the night for resisting his regime.

Our correspondents in the East Bay have begun sleeping in shifts, watching the windows of their living spaces with a gun in their hand like Malcolm X. We cannot guarantee how long the legal space for resisting Jeremy Gong will remain open for these heroic comrades. We cannot say when they will be forced into open armed struggle against Jeremy Gong and his militias who work hand in glove with the alt-right, the police, and all other forces of fascism and imperialism.

Most of all, we fear for the safety of dear Hasan, who has so bravely and openly accepted to work with the Spatula in spite of the real danger that comes with being associated with such vocal and revolutionary critics of Jeremy Gong and all other fascists. May Allah protect our Anatolian angel in Oakland on Sunday.

We are now counting the hours until the East Bay DSA Steering Committee election. We hope for a sound and peaceful victory for the Working-Class Unity and Power slate. We hope that their votes, words, and unity will overpower this narrow fascist clique who have seized control of the East Bay DSA. But make no mistake: we fully expect that these fascists will not only steal this election, but will silence our people using every violent tool at their disposal.

Remain ever vigilant! Jeremy Gong and all fascists must not be allowed in our midst! Vote Hasan! ¡No pasarán!

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Jeremy Gong Hasn’t Slept in Days, Reduced to Hollow Shell by Spatular Onslaught


OAKLAND, CALIFORNIA – Reports from his neighbours indicate that Jeremy Gong, dictatorial Kautskyite helmsman at the head of the Bread and Roses clique controlling the East Bay DSA, is pulling yet another all-nighter provoked by the onslaught of brutal and totally correct criticism by the sexy dialecticians at Worker’s Spatula.

“At first I couldn’t believe how ragged and exhausted he looked,” said Gong’s neighbour, speaking on condition of anonymity due to safety concerns. “Then he told me about the Spatula pieces, and I gave them a look, and just… wow. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.

“I mean, I would wish it on my neighbour Jeremy Gong, who is beneath even my most hated human enemies in my esteem. Like some kind of Kautskyite hell-demon, I want only for him to be exorcised. Frankly the worst part of every day for me is running into him while getting my mail or walking my dog or whatever, but it was shocking to see him so miserable.

“He looks like he’s lost the will to talk about how popular he is,” concurred Gong’s neighbour’s partner, at which juncture the couple both nodded.

A man matching Gong’s description was reported several hours ago at the Berkeley Fosters Freeze ordering “just fucking everything you’ve got”. Sobbing into an armful of assorted iced creams, this figure was reported to have accosted several passers-by demanding to know if “the Blacks” would be better off “without the cops to keep them in line”, and if “you have any idea how many people have joined DSA since the Sanders campaign?”

Confidential sources within the Bread and Roses camp have contacted the Spatula begging for mercy. They could not confirm or deny whether Gong had asked them to reach out to us, but they were able to confirm that Gong has been hit especially hard by the Spatula’s visionary critiques, centred as they were on his villainous person:

“Jeremy can’t take it anymore. We keep telling him, ‘Jeremy, just write another Medium piece! You can take Worker’s Spatula, they’re just Stalinists!’, but he’s really convinced that the Worker’s Spatula pieces are going to ruin him.

“I was just on the phone with him about an hour ago, he keeps saying how Worker’s Spatula are so merciless in their criticism, it’s like being taken down by Lenin himself. The only consolation he would take is when we pointed out that while the Soviet Union is long gone, the Second International party leaders Lenin criticised had long and illustrious careers building the sort of parties we’re trying to build.”

“‘You’re right’, he said, and he sounded like he was wiping tears from his eyes, ‘we just have to behave like the people who stood against the fanaticism of Leninism during the period of the world wars, use their methods to suppress these Leninists.”

Which is exactly what they intend to do on April 29th during the Steering Committee election at the East Bay DSA Conference. We have to maintain vigilance so that these Kautskyite wreckers can’t stuff the ballot boxes with their votes for their own corrupt Bread and Roses slate against the Working-Class Unity and Power slate which reflects the genuine aspirations and hopes of the advanced section of the East Bay proletariat who are organising within the DSA! Vote Hasan, vote Working-Class Unity and Power! Remember: if control of the East Bay DSA is not wrested from the crypto-fascist neo-Menshevik Bread and Roses clique, this can only mean that the election was fraudulent!

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