Communists talk an awful lot about who is and who is not a police agent. This makes sense because the police do have agents scattered throughout our movement. They can be anywhere. Probably one of them is reading this article. Probably one of them is writing this article.
Fuck, there’s one behind you now!
But seriously though, in countries like New Zealand, the state doesn’t actually need to use its agents to undermine communists. We undermine ourselves constantly with our petty, selfish, cultish behaviour and our total refusal to engage in any critical thought that is directed inwards, having completed all the critical thinking we ever needed to do in our lives the moment we left the Labour Party and skimmed the Communist Manifesto.
On the rare occasion we get off Twitter, if we actually belong to an organisation, we simply use it as if it were evidence of some petty credibility, bourgeois membership to some exclusive club, instead of building the organisation and using it as a tool to build a genuine mass movement capable of fighting the forces of capital we claim to be so incensed by; instead recruiting impressionable youths to our groups and, when not sexually abusing them, leaving them hopelessly jaded and burned out simply because of our impossible organising demands designed to compensate for our total lack of meaningful political engagement with the working class we claim to be so committed to!
But on the off-chance that all of that doesn’t describe you, here’s a fool-proof guide to telling which of the people in your highly effective group are your real comrades, and which are filthy bourgeois cops. Enjoy!
Scenario: You have good reason to suspect a cop has infiltrated your group, and have narrowed down the possibilities to two suspects. Every other member of the group is exonerated by some piece of evidence, and all the evidence together seems to implicate the two suspects equally. One night, you get a Facebook alert from your phone telling you that you were tagged in a protest selfie taken by one of these two suspects at a protest earlier that day. You notice that the other suspect has also posted a protest selfie from the day’s protest, in which you are also visible, and yet has failed to tag you. Which one is the cop?
Answer: They’re both cops.
Anyone who takes a protest selfie for any reason and under any conditions is a cop, and must accordingly be beaten senseless.
Scenario: At a meeting, you notice a comrade has gone missing, and you check out back. Sure enough, you find your comrade, on the phone. As soon as they see you, they hurriedly hang up before you can make out what the conversation was about and stuff their phone in their pocket, looking nervous. “Are you alright?” you ask. “Yeah, fine, I’m coming right back in”, they reply. “Who was that on the phone?” you ask. “Oh, just my dealer”, they respond. Do you believe them? Are they a cop?
Answer: It doesn’t matter if you believe them, they are definitely a cop.
If they were lying about the phone call, they were likely covering up for a call to their cop buddies, snitching on you and your comrades like the filthy rat they are. The only acceptable response is to beat them senseless. If, on the other hand, they were telling the truth, that means that they do drugs, and no genuine communist does drugs. That’s cop behaviour, and they must be beaten senseless in response.
Scenario: You show up at 11 in the morning for a protest scheduled for that time. You’re the first one there, and begin unrolling the banner you brought and survey the street. A uniformed officer of the bourgeois state apparatus approaches you and asks you what you’re doing. You tell them you’re part of a protest, and that you were informed you didn’t need a permit for that. The officer confirms this and walks off. Just then, one of your comrades surprises you by coming up from behind and tapping you on the shoulder. Your comrade notes that you’ve wrapped a bandana around your face to conceal your identity and asks if that’s strictly necessary. “Are we going to be doing anything illegal?” they ask you, seemingly in earnest. “No, but I’d prefer to not have too many photos of myself all over the internet all the same,” you reply. Your comrade looks suspicious, but doesn’t ask you any further questions. Could they be a cop?
Answer: No, you’re a cop.
No genuine communist would ever arrive to any action, or indeed anything else, at the scheduled time. Communists are constantly late, both as a symbol of defiance of bourgeois clocks, and simply because their consciousness of their alienation under capitalism makes it impossible for them to function in any part of their everyday lives. Only a cop, one of those fascist agents of the bourgeois state, would be able to make it to a communist event at the time previously appointed. Your comrade should beat you senseless before any others arrive on the scene with an undercover cop like yourself.
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