FSA Cheerleaders: Jacobin is Baathist Propaganda

RightistsforFSANEW YORK CITY – FSA-worshipping Trotskyists are expressing outrage on Facebook and reportedly readying an adorable petition against Jacobin for publishing a summary piece about Syria entitled “the War on Syria” by one Patrick Higgins.

“This piece is Baathist propaganda, pure and simple. Jacobin should be jailed.” wrote Thomas Polanski, a New York-based veteran activist whose Facebook cover photo consists of members of the supposedly powerful Vietnamese Trotskyist movement that once existed, along with some text condemning Ho Chi Minh.

The piece, which accuses the Baath party of former collaboration with the US due to their mutual anti-communist interests, and contains a glowing appraisal of the Kurdish national liberation movement in Syria, has been judged to be deeply offensive regime propaganda by Facebook-active academic revolutionaries in top graduate programmes across the United States.

“Who’s Patrick Higgins? More like Assadrick Baathiggins, am I right?” read another deeply informed comment, posted by one Janet Smith, a young activist affiliated with “Solidarity” in Los Angeles.

Several “tankies” attempted to defend the piece, but were quickly shut down by the fierce and revolutionary rhetoric of bourgeois Trotskyists defending armed forces affiliated with the NATO/GCC-created SNC, whose leadership is unelected.

“Oh sure… [Higgins] defends the Kurds, and also talks the way Syrian Kurds talk about the situation in Syria, but he’s clearly a propagandist for the Arab nationalist Baath party and doesn’t really understand Syria the way I do from reading my party’s newspaper and watching pro-US news sources.” said Polanski.

“The Syrian Revolution is real. If I keep saying that, it’s true. There are no Islamists in Syria outside of ISIS. The FSA are all feminist secularist socialists who read Trotsky in their spare time. Anyone who says Assad is no worse than the Arab opposition is a tankie.” Smith wrote.

“What we really need is to put them in touch with like the five Syrian ‘activists’ I know, huddled in fear in their apartments, in the middle of a civil war.”

MLPD chairman Stefan Engel responded to the controversy: “So the Spartacist League likes ISIS, and the rest of the Trotskyites like the FSA? They are bending over backwards to avoid Rojava, aren’t they?”

Syrian president Bashar al-Assad praised Higgins’s piece as a perfect representation of his own assessment of Syria, and outlined his plans for an invasion of Czechoslovakia later this year, assisted by the PYD, provided his plans are not foiled by angry Facebook posts.

League for the Sixth International Announced

sixthinternationalLONDON – Expelled members of the Fifth Internationalist group “Worker’s Power” who had formerly been grouped in the now-dissolved “Permanent Revolution” tendency regrouped this week to announce their intention to form a “Sixth International”.

The Fifth Internationalist tendency came about in response to the perceived sectarianism of Trotskyist groupings on the one hand, and their perceived excessive tolerance of non-Trotskyists on the other.

“The previous decision to dissolve ‘Permanent Revolution’ left those of us expelled from the League for the Fifth International without any international organisation we might use to coordinate our efforts. Also, it did somewhat prove the LFI correct in their assessment of us as ‘liquidationists’.”

“With this in mind, we are announcing the League for the Sixth International, a international grouping for revolutionary socialists around the world to hold high the crimson-red banner of Marx, Engels, and Trotsky.”

“Er, and Lenin, but we don’t want to sound too Stalinist.”

Peter Taaffe, of the CWI affiliate “Socialist Party of England and Wales”, responded by calling the announcement “ludicrous” and claiming “Trotskyism, as represented by the Fourth International, is already a healthy international revolutionary tendency whose successes are so self-evident that they speak for themselves. We have no need for more internationals; the one we have is enough”

Stefan Engel, chairman of the MLPD, coordinator of the ICMLPO (International Newsletter), ICOR, the International Communist Awards (“the Commies”), and chief shareholder (representing all the peasants of Bavaria) in Stefan Engels Traditionelle Bayerische Brauerei GmbH & Co. KG, also responded to the controversial announcement:

“We don’t even have a Fourth International yet, and somehow they’ve skipped ahead to five and six?”

A dozen dissenters are expected to split again sometime next week, although analysts are divided as to whether they will form a rival Sixth Internationalist organisation or a “League for the Seventh International.”

CPUSA Wins “Worst Communist Party in the World” Award, Again

PARIS – An unsurprising victory for the Communist Party USA at the 24th Annual International Communist Awards, affectionately known as “the Commies” in English-speaking countries, as they were awarded the title of “Worst Communist Party in the World” for the fifth year in a row.

Like all Commie awards, “Worst Communist Party” is awarded after careful deliberation in strict accordance with the principle of Democratic Centralism.

As in years past, Trotskyists and anti-revisionist Marxist-Leninists managed to reach a compromise between their usually antagonistic worldviews, closing ranks to attack the IMCWP.

Subsequently, the majority supported awarding the title to the CPUSA again, though a significant minority also suggested switching things up a bit by awarding the title to the Japanese Communist Party.

Among the themes of the discussion which ultimately led to the award going to the CPUSA were the excessive cowardice and opportunism of the CPUSA, “even by the modest standards of the US Left”, their “barely concealed hatred of Lenin”, the “deep ignorance of Marxism and international politics” displayed by most of their membership, and that many of them are “unpleasant to be around, on a personal level”.

A representative of the Left Communist Italian group the International Communist Party commented that she would find it “funny” if “every single member of the CPUSA” were to suffer a “Kronstadt”.

Stefan Engel, who heads the organising committee for the awards, recommended that the CPUSA not even be allowed to attend the Commies next year, thus “depriving reactionaries of the right to speak, so that the people alone may have that right.”

Recognising a Mao reference, all Maoists in attendance murmured in agreement.

However, this proposal was struck down after it was pointed out by Eduardo Artés, of the Chilean Communist Party (Proletarian Action), that the Commies are his one chance every year to “spit in Sam Webb’s drink”, and he wasn’t going to attend “some boring CPUSA event, in the US no less” in exchange for this privilege.

Spartacist League Forms Syrian Battalion in Support of ISIS

ispartRAQQAH, SYRIA – Marking the first time since the Bolivian National Revolution that Trotskyists have rallied in armed defence of their values, members of the Spartacist League of Britain have travelled to “the Caliphate” in order to defend ISIS from “imperialism”.

The formation of the so-called “Hammer Battalion” follows an announcement earlier this week of Spartacist League support for ISIS military victory.

“I can’t wait to have a chance to go to the slave market, I’m going to buy a 10-year-old Yazidi girl. They’re imperialist stooges”, explained “Abu-Bakr al-Permanenti”.

His comrade, “Haydar al-Fourthinterationali”, was selling newspapers on a Raqqah street corner when he agreed to speak with us about the experience thus-far.

“We’ve been having some trouble with ISIS’s line on North Korea, but mostly we’re in agreement. We both hate the Soviet Union and the US with a rage that could be characterised as ‘blinding’, we both believe in some perfect worldwide moment of enormous change that many others from similar backgrounds characterise as ‘fanatical’, and of course, we both enjoy raping small children.”

“Muhammad al-Britani”, another UK volunteer who directly joined ISIS last year to take part in the fight against the PYD and Assad, a clear-cut anti-imperialist struggle if ever there was one, discussed the integration of the new Trotskyist battalion.

“We’re actually learning a lot from them. They told us all about how they agree Stalin was a senseless murderer, and about Kronstadt”, reported “al-Britani”, declaring his “new-found respect for the Jewish infidel, Trotsky”.

However, a senior ISIS source has hinted that not everyone in the movement is supportive of the group’s actions: “They spend more time condemning others for not being ISIS enough than actually fighting. Three of our best men were killed last month in a fight over whether the Soviet Union was a ‘deformed’ or ‘degenerated’ worker’s state.”

Responding to the widespread belief among the UK Left that the usually provocative Spartacist League had gone altogether too far this time, battalion leader “Uthman bin Stephen” had this to say: “ISIS is fighting US imperialism, the greatest threat to the people of Syria, including the Kurds who they are bent on destroying. The PYD, on the other hand, have always been under Washington’s command, and that’s why Washington rewarded them with control of Northern Iraq after the 2003 invasion.”

An attempt at correction was rebuffed: “Oh that’s the KDP? Look, a Kurd’s a Kurd. You ever see a Kurd fighting Israel? Didn’t think so. Even if it’s just taking some guns, their objective role is clear, expanding US power and influence, same as Assad.”

“Oh, Assad’s with Russia? Well, they should stop fighting him.”

Losing patience, our driver pointed out that ISIS was fighting Assad, and the PYD had declared their willingness to work with Assad under the right conditions, and had been in touch with Moscow. “Bin Stephen” was unmoved.

“Look, the point is, this is quite edgy shit. I’ve really pissed off my Labour-voting relatives with this. I’m not gonna go supporting some left-wing national liberation movement allied with communists in Turkey fighting Islamists, because that might actually cause British people who don’t burn US flags in their free time to feel sympathy for socialism.”

A joint response was issued by the MLKP, the MKP, and the TKP/ML: “As anti-revisionists from Turkey/North Kurdistan, we’ve never actually had to speak to a Trotskyite in real life. We finally understand why we’re supposed to hate them now.”

Yr Aflonyddwch Mawr Declares People’s War on CPBG-ML, Chaos Ensues

wrsp

CARDIFF – Yr Aflonyddwch Mawr, a small Maoist group based in Wales, advocating Welsh national liberation and socialism, today began their long-promised “anti-colonial struggle” with a bombing of a CPBG-ML march in Cardiff, itself directed against South Korean aggression against the DPRK.

Three were killed and eleven injured.

Yr Aflonyddwch Mawr released a statement within an hour of the bombing, claiming responsibility and confirming CPGB-ML as their intended target, chosen for their “Brezhnevite deformation of Maoist theory” and their “denial of the existence of a Welsh nation”.

Harpal Brar, chairman of the CPGB-ML, promptly responded by labelling Yr Aflonyddwch Mawr “South Korean agents”, “bourgeois Welsh nationalists”, and “worst of all, just generally Welsh.”

In response to the bombing, the Spartacist League of Britain staged a demonstration in support of the CPGB(ML), declaring them victims of “imperialist aggression against the deformed worker’s state in North Korea.”

Known cunt David Aaronovitch immediately responded by calling on Jeremy Corbyn to issue condemnations of Yr Aflonyddwch Mawr and the Spartacist League, alleging that Corbyn possessed “worrying” connections to both: The Spartacist League had sold newspapers outside a Palestinian Solidarity Campaign event where Corbyn was speaking, while Corbyn’s connection to Yr Aflonyddwch Mawr was alleged on the grounds that “if Corbyn supports the IRA, surely he supports Yr Aflonyddwch Mawr.”

“And they’re all anti-Semites”, added Aaronovitch.

Corbyn promptly responded by accusing both Yr Aflonyddwch Mawr and CPGB-ML of “Maoist revisionism” and “collaboration with imperialism”, and ordering defence drills to be carried out in the Islington bunkers.

George Galloway, who was intercepted by one of our correspondents as he was returning from an important cigar-buying errand, praised Yr Aflonyddwch Mawr for “irritating the Zionist stooge Aaronovitch”, but reiterated that he, like CPGB-ML, considers the Welsh “annoying and stupid, no matter what they do.”

White Socialist Explains How Black Rage Holding Back Revolution

the_tamBOSTON – Noah Isaacs, a white socialist, was observed debating a black acquaintance, Julian Howard, at the Tam bar in Boston, Massachusetts last night on the subject of the Black Lives Matter movement.

Howard, who has been involved in the Black Lives Matter movement since last year, was informed that any movement which doesn’t pit the entire “class-conscious proletariat” against the “bourgeoisie” is “doomed to failure”.

“He said I was being ‘divisive'”, commented a mildly perplexed Howard. “He said that if we want ‘revolution’, we ‘need everyone’. I’m not actually sure how I’m excluding anyone.”

Isaacs reportedly stated that protests, rioting, and provocative language directed against the police are “distracting” Black workers’ from their “revolutionary” potential.

“I asked him if he’d ever been to a protest where Black Lives Matter were present, and he said that he had, and was put off by their use of anti-police slogans, including vulgar slogans such as ‘fuck the police’.”

Ellen Wilczynski, the bartender on duty that night, corroborated Howard’s account.

“I overheard him saying something about how ‘cops are workers too, and we need them in the revolution’.”

Opined Wilczynski: “I don’t know what ‘revolution’ he’s a part of, but if Black Lives Matter derailed it, I don’t think it was going very well.”

Habermas Vows to Continue Struggle Against Postmodernists

habermasTHE HAGUE – Exiled leader of the banned Frankfurt School (Popular Front) Jürgen Habermas exhorted academic Marxists not to be “cowed” by a recent ambush carried out by postmodernists at l’École des hautes études en sciences sociales campus in Toulouse, in which four Marxist economists reportedly affiliated with the FS(PF) were badly criticised as “deterministic”.

“The cowardly methods employed by the postmodernists only reveal their objective weakness! All reactionaries are paper tigers! Intensify the academic struggle!” bellowed Habermas in the video, released today via his group’s YouTube channel, “FrankfurtFist”.

The 86-year-old leader, whose recent publications cover such diverse topics as religion, the European union, and the applicability of people’s war in the Philippine context, vowed that “revenge would be taken”, and that academic Marxists would “encircle urban studies with sociological studies of rural communities”.

At this point in the video, Habermas raised his right fist and shook it about in a threatening fashion.

Habermas has received messages of condolence and solidarity from Terry Eagleton, Alan Sokal, Grover Furr, and Abimael Guzmán.

Žižek Says Thing

zizekLONDON – Slovenian philosopher and cultural critic Slavoj Žižek was quoted today saying a thing, maybe about Greece or Syria or some Hollywood film he barely watched, sources confirmed.

Noting that many leftists are hypocrites, and that capitalism is bad, Žižek proceeded to segue through a series of tangents until arriving at some other topic.

Many in attendance were quoted as saying that they strongly agreed with many of Žižek’s points, while disagreeing with others, and being utterly confused as to the intended message of others still. Almost all agreed that, at the very least, he succeeded in making clear that [famous foolish person] was foolish indeed.

At some point, his “good friend, Alain Badiou” was likely quoted.

Countering speculation that he was not “prepared to go to the end”, and that he did not “mean it quite literally”, Žižek insisted that he indeed was “prepared to go to the end”, “quite literally.”

During the question and answer session, Žižek fielded several critical questions, but pop culture references were scarce, unfortunately.

“All I am really saying is… [thing]”, explained an exasperated Žižek.

“My God!”

University Student: “Nobody Understands Communism But Me”

tibet_flag02MBERKELEY, CALIFORNIA – Jonah Shapiro, an English major at the University of California, Berkeley, may look like most of his classmates, but appearances can be deceiving. He is a self-declared “communist” and “revolutionary”, and he is challenging his liberal classmates to rethink their mistaken ideas about the proletarian ideology.

“When people think of communism, they usually associate it with brutal dictators like Joseph Stalin, or Mao Zedong.” said the 19-year-old in his first (but surely not last) public interview on the subject of his radical views. “What people don’t understand is, the Soviet Union and China were actually fascist states, and not communist ones at all.”

“Mao committed genocide, just like Hitler. Would Marx have done that? No way, dude. The Soviet Union could’ve been great, if it weren’t for Stalin. Trotsky should’ve been in charge. That would’ve been communism.”

Asked whether he felt there had ever been any successful examples of socialist societies in practice, Shapiro promptly responded “Cuba, or the Israeli kibbutzim.”

“But not socialist, I told you, I’m a communist.”

However, Shapiro revealed that he is not a member of any party or organisation at present. “Yeah, I talked to some of those guys, selling newspapers or whatever. And I was like, ‘Shouldn’t you be starting the revolution? Like Che Guevara?'”

“Besides, I don’t know if we even need a party. Communism is for the people, so the people will make the revolution. Just like in Egypt!”

On what he felt the prospects were for revolution in the United States in the current climate, Shapiro had this to say: “Well, let’s not expect the establishment of a dictatorship of the proletariat anytime soon. But in recent years we’ve seen Occupy Wall Street, the popularity of the reformist Bernie Sanders; these things are themselves signs of an increasingly widespread opposition to capitalism, even if not articulated as such. By the same token, there’s a strong and justified anger among young Black Americans consciously and openly directed at the police, who are essentially the guarantors of bourgeois law and order.”

“You could say that there is great chaos under heaven, and the situation is excellent,” concluded Shapiro.

Socialist Alternative Offers Critical Support to “the Poor”

Socialist_Alternative_(US)_LogoNEW YORK CITY – In a statement released today, Socialist Alternative, the US section of Committee for a Worker’s International, announced their “critical support” for “the poor”.

“Socialist Alternative welcomes the news that the poor do in fact exist, and recognizes their potential for contributing to a mass movement for worker’s power.” the Trotskyist party announced.

Referring to tens of millions of Americans, the statement continued, “It may be possible to incorporate some of the poor’s demands and grievances into our campaign. However, the poor’s unfortunate tendencies towards ultra-left or adventurist methods on the one hand, and reformist methods on the other, are causing problems for us in working with them.”

The final paragraph of the statement comprised only the words “Kshama Sawant.”

The poor have yet to issue a response.