LONDON – Labour Party leadership candidate and known Hoxhaite Jeremy Corbyn was interviewed from his bunker in Islington today, revealing his ultimate plans for the Labour Party under his potential leadership.
“I think it’s fairly obvious to everyone that we’ll open with a highly publicised trial of the revisionist scoundrel Tony Blair, whose death sentence will assuredly be handed down by our ‘people’s court’, but we intend to purge the party of all counter-revolutionary filth.”
The 66-year old, previously known for his solidarity and union work, has been making waves within the party ever since a heated argument with rival candidate Andy Burnham on Thursday in which he threatened that, should Burnham fail to “make due self-criticism”, Burnham’s next reprimand would come in the form of a letter “addressed to… [his] cell in Orkney”.
“I thought that it would be good to have the Gulags located in Orkney. Because it’s an archipelago. Get it?” said a winking Corbyn, before returning to delicately sipping his tea, a Kalashnikov perched against his leg.
Corbyn revealed that, following the “glorious establishment” of a “dictatorship of the proletariat”, he intended to exile many noted Blairite Labour figures to the Orkney Gulags, along with “the kulaks”.
Corbyn proceeded to outline a list of perceived traitors and criminals, along with their likely punishments:
“Yvette Cooper, a known Trotskyite wrecker, will be sent to the whisky mines to labour for the working people. Liz Kendall, one of Tito’s agents who has been allowed to infiltrate the party, will be assigned to a team digging an airport on the island of Mull. John Mann, who is a bit of a shit, will be assigned to constructing bagpipes, 18 hours a day.”
Asked if the prisoners would be housed and fed in a humane fashion, Corbyn responded “Well, they’ll have to survive on haggis; opinions on whether or not that’s considered humane seem to vary across Britain.”
“Furthermore, those that survive the first winter will be given tickets to the Edinburgh Fringe, but will not be allowed out of Scotland.”
“We figure no right-wing Labour figure will ever again emerge from Scotland, so we’re safe…”