PARIS – An unsurprising victory for the Communist Party USA at the 24th Annual International Communist Awards, affectionately known as “the Commies” in English-speaking countries, as they were awarded the title of “Worst Communist Party in the World” for the fifth year in a row.
Like all Commie awards, “Worst Communist Party” is awarded after careful deliberation in strict accordance with the principle of Democratic Centralism.
As in years past, Trotskyists and anti-revisionist Marxist-Leninists managed to reach a compromise between their usually antagonistic worldviews, closing ranks to attack the IMCWP.
Subsequently, the majority supported awarding the title to the CPUSA again, though a significant minority also suggested switching things up a bit by awarding the title to the Japanese Communist Party.
Among the themes of the discussion which ultimately led to the award going to the CPUSA were the excessive cowardice and opportunism of the CPUSA, “even by the modest standards of the US Left”, their “barely concealed hatred of Lenin”, the “deep ignorance of Marxism and international politics” displayed by most of their membership, and that many of them are “unpleasant to be around, on a personal level”.
A representative of the Left Communist Italian group the International Communist Party commented that she would find it “funny” if “every single member of the CPUSA” were to suffer a “Kronstadt”.
Stefan Engel, who heads the organising committee for the awards, recommended that the CPUSA not even be allowed to attend the Commies next year, thus “depriving reactionaries of the right to speak, so that the people alone may have that right.”
Recognising a Mao reference, all Maoists in attendance murmured in agreement.
However, this proposal was struck down after it was pointed out by Eduardo Artés, of the Chilean Communist Party (Proletarian Action), that the Commies are his one chance every year to “spit in Sam Webb’s drink”, and he wasn’t going to attend “some boring CPUSA event, in the US no less” in exchange for this privilege.