Austrian Left Announces New Strategy to Combat Right­-wing Surge

Kpö

VIENNA – After alarming election results which saw the fascist Freedom Party (FPÖ) gain over 30% in regional elections and with more such results to come, Austrian leftists and left­ liberals have shown remarkable unity and announced a new common strategy on how to combat the FPÖ. Despite their unity they could not agree on holding a joint press conference, and each major element of the struggle held their own.

The Social Democratic Party (SPÖ) held their press conference at the notoriously haughty and expensive Cafe Landtmann, which they regularly use, i.e. To hold press conferences costing 50,000 Euros for a couple of hours in order to announce their intensified struggle against economic inequality. Chancellor Werner Faymann and Michael Häupl, the mayor of Vienna, appeared together for this landmark statement. Häupl stated that because of the immense importance he had stayed completely sober leading up to the press conference at 10 a.m., adding that he intended to stay sober throughout the event and asked everyone to show solidarity with him throughout this great sacrifice. Faymann then elaborated on the new strategy:

“Obviously, they are on the rise and we keep losing votes. It is only a matter of time before they take power. After every election we tell ourselves and the people that we have to communicate better. Our political strategists have now arrived at the conclusion that the problem might not be communication after all. Thus, we, as the ruling party of Austria, are going to dissolve the Austrian state and integrate it into Germany. We already have so many German refugees here who come to work because of low wages in Germany, or because their secondary school grades were insufficient to attend university there, so it won’t make a huge difference. Thus, we will prevent the right­wing takeover of Austria, and I will be an Austrian hero. Just as we still celebrate Kurt Schuschnigg, pretending that he sought to save Austria from Nazi Germany, while he and his party did everything they could to eliminate every serious resistance beforehand. We believe, because of that the the ÖVP [the conservative Austrian People’s Party that still celebrates the heritage of the Austrofascist dictator Dollfuß and his successor Schuschnigg – WS] will be on our side as well.”

The Green Party held their very own brunch press conference at a posh café in the 7th district. Chairwoman Eva Glawischnig stated: “For years we have been telling the people who are voting for the FPÖ that they are stupid and uneducated. Yet, they still continue to vote for them. I don’t know what else to do, so we convened with the SPÖ and agreed that we will dissolve Austria. I am very happy about that for our party, as this will finally allow us to eliminate every modest left element still existing within our party and become the party for the liberal bourgeoisie and the rich with some ecological consciousness like the German Green Party have already accomplished. As a part of Germany, we can finally also participate in wars around the globe – I am already checking the maps, do you have any suggestion for countries to bomb?” Julian Schmid, the youngest and sexiest MP, added: “I participated in the student occupation of the University of Vienna and in other extremist ultra­left activities. Trust me, that’s nothing for me. In the Green Party I can travel across Austria and take selfies with beautiful women everywhere. Obviously everyone loves me, because I am just so handsome. If we integrate into Germany, I can expand my radius and travel all over Germany as well. I am very excited.”

The KPÖ issued its statement at Café Siebenstern at 7 p.m., in order to cover up for the fact that they were already drunk in the morning. Didi Zach stated: “We were always in favor of ‘Greater Germany’, as this is clearly what the old Stalinist KPÖ opposed so fiercely. Thus it can’t be all bad, right?” He then proceeded to empty his pint all at once and refused to comment further.

A spokesperson of the KPÖ youth organisation continued to discuss their take on the issue: “It’s actually quite brilliant you see. We all know that the FPÖ is undecided on the national question for Austria. They pretend to be Austrian patriots, but a considerable part of their cadres think there is no Austrian nation and we are all Germans. Now they have to take a stance, and it will considerably weaken them in any event.” Asked about his stance he clarified that the KPÖ youth was “in full support of ‘Greater Germany'”:

“You know, many of us are anti-Germans. So if we’re part of Germany, we can support Israel even more ferociously and have a bulletproof leftist façade. In fact, I would love to see the Netherlands integrated as well, so we would have a strong ally in our fight for the legalisation of marijuana.”

IST affiliate Neue Linkswende staged a rally in a cultural centre run by the ATİB, an organisation directly governed by the Turkish Presidency for Religious Affairs (Diyanet), and therefore the AKP government of Turkey. A spokesperson for the organisation read the following statement:

“First of all, we would like to thank the Turkish state and President Erdoğan for the great opportunity to speak here. We have been warning for years about the FPÖ. It was literally the only thing we were doing, besides supporting various Islamist movements in Austria and around the globe. Many said they were annoyed by our liberal one-note politics, but now they see we were right. It’s not like we’re completely happy with being German now, but we are in critical support of the initiative.”

“We didn’t like Merkel’s latest turn regarding Assad, as there can be no justification for speaking with a brutal dictator instead of the Syrian revolution that incorporates committed democrats like the Nusra Front, Ahrar ash-Sham, and ISIS. So that’s a little bit problematic, but it clearly enjoys the support of bourgeois democrats, which is all that matters.”

“Anyway, at least you can’t run around freely propagating the terrorist PKK in Germany, like in treasonous Austria, which doesn’t defend national unity in Turkey like we do. So we’re obviously in favour of that. Also, being in Germany, we can now merge with our German sister party Marx21 and become a member of Die Linke. That’s really great. I read on Wikipedia that Marx21 has about 400 members – it sounds a little bit exaggerated to me, but with us joining it would be around 420 people, bringing us one step closer to permanent revolution.”

IMCWP affiliate Partei der Arbeit (Party of Labour) issued a written statement on their homepage in response to those declarations. “We’re doing our best to continue our further descent into irrelevance. But once again it seems we are the only ones, like the old KPÖ, who seriously defend the independent Austrian nation and thus these idiots force us to become somewhat relevant again. As we are clearly not prepared for that, we suspect that this is a reactionary imperialist plot to eliminate us completely.”

There were no international reactions on this important discussion. None.

Reading Group in Shock: Žižek Not an Original Thinker

ZizekonToilet

CHICAGO – Michael O’Grady and Saul Feinstein are two members of a small Marxist reading group in Chicago. It is composed of PhD students with an interest in Marxism, “but not in a dogmatic way”, from Philosophy Departments at the University of Chicago, Northwestern University and DePaul University. Having all graduated from top undergraduate programmes across the US, they chose to pursue their PhDs in Chicago, working mostly on Badiou, Rancière and Žižek. Following the advice of their advisers, they had been attempting to read some of the classics of the German and Marxist philosophical traditions, promptly finding themselves completely lost in horrendously difficult texts containing no pop culture references or dirty jokes. Thus, they started the “Pervert’s Guide to Ideology Reading Group” to struggle through the difficult task together.

Eventually they came to grasp the basics of the views of Kant, Hegel and Marx, as well as some foundational texts by Vladimir Lenin, “just to get an idea of what he was all about.” Upon returning to their treasured libraries of Žižek’s work, they were horrified to discover that they comprised a mere assemblage of copied ideas mixed with wild cross-references. O’Grady explained:

“I was already getting increasingly worried before, you know. I thought the idea that the most interesting aspect of Greek tragedy was the chorus that was the democratic instance representing the people was a great insight from Žižek. When I told a fellow PhD student from Austria, he was less than impressed and told me that this was already elaborated on by the Austrian critic Egon Friedell in his ‘Cultural History of Greece.’ But when I actually read Hegel, Marx, and Lenin, I realised how much Žižek had copied out of their works and presented as his own. I’m shocked. I don’t even know what to do with myself.”

Feinstein was also deeply affected by learning the truth about his former idol: “It’s just fucked up, you know? We came here thinking we were gonna take on the world, write PhD theses that get quoted during a revolution or something, I don’t even know. But now we understand how little we really knew, and what a fraud our main inspiration is. I mean, come on, doing a PhD in philosophy, you don’t do it to get girls, do you?”

“Although Žižek had all of his model wives. That was a source of hope for us too. Was he even married to an Argentinian model, or was that bullshit too?”

Pope Declares US Left “Opportunists”

CubanJesus

PHILADELPHIA – Pope Francis, better known by his real name, Jorge Mario Bergoglio, continues to excite the toiling masses across the globe, including his compatriot Lionel Messi. Opinion polls have suggested that a new international led by the two Argentines would be embraced by the majority of the workers of the world. At present, Pope Francis is visiting the US to meet with the faithful, Roman Catholics and NAMBLA members alike. The first demonstration of his enormous influence and power came when John Boehner resigned as the Republican speaker for Congress as a result of the pope’s mere presence in Congress, his resignation letter accusing congress of having been transformed into a tool for “papists”.

Pope Francis, leader of one of the world’s most notoriously conservative and reactionary institutions, has spent much of his papacy attempting to maintain the relevance of the church in the increasingly left-leaning political status quo of Latin America today. A few critical statements about inequality and the obvious problems of capitalism, however, have caused him to be viewed as a modern day Che Guevara by the majority of US pundits. Indeed, even much of the US “left” is unable to cope with the ferocity of Pope Francis’s mild statements: A joint statement of Bernie Sanders, Cornel West, the CPUSA and the Working Families Party denounced the pope’s “ultra-leftism” and “adventurism”. The pope has responded to these accusations in an interview with Max Ajl published at Jacobin. He referred to the US left as “petty bourgeois hacks”, “opportunists”, “bleeding-heart liberals” and “objective agents of US imperialism.”

Additionally, Bernie Sanders went on record individually to state: “Given that he is the pope, of course I respect him. I respect all unelected heads of state, from China to Saudi Arabia. It is the elected communist dictators like Chavez that are the real evil today. But popes used to stand against such people, like during the Cold War. That’s the sort of Catholic Church the American people miss.”

Unsurprisingly, the dispute has provoked numerous responses from the US and abroad: Jeremy Corbyn, who was attending an anti-pig-fucking rally organised together with various animal rights groups and Muslim civil society organisations in the UK, gave a short speech in which he said: “People compare me to Sanders, you know. They’re all idiots. Obviously, I am not a big fan of the papacy, but I recognise when I am able to cooperate on certain issues. And if I were to come into conflict with him, I would hope it’s because the bloody pope was the opportunist, not me.”

The ISO published an editorial in Socialist Worker which concluded thus: “We really appreciate many things the pope has said. He is clearly more progressive on many issues than the majority of the US left. However, the fact that the Vatican is clearly a Stalinist state if ever there was one prevents us from any alliance with this bonapartist dictator.”

“Also, he speaks Spanish. That’s the language of Mercader.”

Bob Avakian reportedly enquired into a possible public debate with the pope on the topic of “People’s War and Revolution”, but a papal representative replied with a polite explanatory note stating that “the pope is not impressed with the New Synthesis”.

Alexis Tsipras, recently re-elected as Prime Minister of what remains of Greece, held a spontaneous speech at his local taverna in which he claimed: “If we were not an Orthodox country, I would immediately integrate our territory into the Vatican. Or at least appoint Pope Francis as my finance minister. Look at that, he just goes to the US congress and people there listen to him. Not like that bald traitor I appointed first, even I didn’t listen to him.”

Young Trotskyist Beginning to Doubt the Divinity of Trotsky

SaintTrotsky

SHEFFIELD – “Samuel Chambers”*, a young man brought up in “an open Trotskyist family” with many non-Trotskyist friends, has privately begun to doubt the divinity of Leon Trotsky and the legitimacy of his teachings.

“I’ve been taught all about the miracles of Trotsky, and how he was crucified on an enormous ice axe, but I look at the world and I wonder if permanent revolution is really the omnipotent force I’ve been taught. I mean, the anarchists have their Barcelona, the Stalinists have loads of revolutions, and what have we got?”

“I guess just Morsi, that’s all I ever hear about. But can it be that Morsi is not the Bolshevik-Leninist I’ve been led to believe he is?”

“I just wonder sometimes is all… Is any of it true? Is it all just stories?”

Asked why he hadn’t shared his private doubts with his parents, he explained his reticence thus:

“My parents always say they’ll love us no matter what, no matter what choices we make, and all but… My older sister told them she was lesbian last year, and, I can see they weren’t ready for it. And they’ve always said they support lesbian and gay rights. Whereas my secret…”, he trailed off, looking out the window of the café where he agreed to meet with us.

“I guess the doubts started when I read on the internet that Che and Gramsci both hated Trotsky, after years of seeing pictures of Trotsky next to pictures of Che at events, and being told to read Gramsci by a friend of my father’s. The searching began there, I suppose. I’m not interested in Mao or Enver Hoxha exactly but… I’m open.”

“I’m open to anything, but people around me aren’t. I heard a story about one girl last year who was caught by her parents looking at a photo of young Stalin in her bedroom. They sent her to a camp to ‘cure’ her. I don’t want that to happen to me.”

“But what is it all about? I mean, we stand on our street corners, and we sell our papers, and the papers talk about revolution, but it isn’t happening. They’ve promised time and again it will happen, but it never happens. And then I look at the world and I see people, in Kurdistan, in the Philippines, in Bolivia, wherever, actually threatening global capitalism and bringing about revolutionary changes to society, and none of them are Trotskyists. What’s more important, Trotsky, or the revolution Trotsky promised?”

*A pseudonym assigned to protect the young man from fanatical Trotskyists who might want to exact the customary death penalty for apostasy.

Humourless Marxist Reviews: Viet Cong (eponymous)

vietcong

Canadian post-punk band Viet Cong has released their eponymous debut to glowing reviews from the bourgeois music industry. Worker’s Spatula, long known as “the Pitchfork of the anti-capitalist left”, sat down and gave the album a listen to understand how a concept album about the heroic Vietnamese resistance to US imperialism could find itself so uncritically accepted by the bourgeois media.

Worker’s Spatula’s entire editorial staff was shocked and offended to find that rather than an album about Ho Chi Minh’s heroic leadership and the war of national liberation in Vietnam, it is actually a scathing Trotskyist attack on the Communist Party of Vietnam’s suppression of the Trotskyist movement in that country, and slanders the National Liberation Front (popularly known as the “Viet Cong”) as “murderous Stalinists”.

Nearly every single track is littered with references to Ta Thu Thau and the LCI, who are cast as tragic revolutionary heroes crushed by the “left Bonapartist” forces led by Ho Chi Minh. The droning second track, “Pointless Experience”, makes a vulgar pun of Ho Chi Minh’s name.

“Bunker Buster”, the fourth track, calls the Viet Cong “mass murderers,” and states:

“wouldn’t’ve made much difference which side had won,
ain’t more revolutionary to die by Stalinist guns”

Truly pithy lyrics which reveal the lack of respect certain Trotskyist groups feel towards real heroes who fought to protect innocent villagers from the murderous rampage of US imperialism.

The seventh and final track, “Death”, a meandering eleven-minute exercise, ends with the singer cry-shouting into his microphone “HO! HO! HO CHI MINH! HOW MANY TROTS DID YOU DO IN?”, the Trotskist response chant to the militant chant heard at pro-Vietnamese protests in English-speaking countries: “HO! HO! HO CHI MINH! WE WILL FIGHT AND WE WILL WIN!”

With the example of Vietnam standing tall even today as a shining example of heroic revolutionary resistance to US imperialism, it is no surprise that vicious reactionaries spring on any chance to attack the Viet Cong and their immortal contributions. It is for this reason that we believe this extremist Trotskyist nonsense has been so praised by the bourgeois music industry.

Music: 1/5
Lyrics: 1/5
Marchability: 1/5

US Maoists Form Cricket League

chairmanofthesixes

NEW YORK – Representatives of the RCPUSA, the Maoist Communist Group, and the NCP-LC have met and announced the formation of the US Maoist Cricket League as part of their efforts to get the average US proletarian interested in people’s wars in South Asia.

“The average American knows very little about South Asia’s rich and vibrant cultures, and their fierce dedication to communist ideology, which reached new heights in its development under Chairman Mao Zedong, himself a top notch batsman. At his prime, he was probably better than Richard Nixon himself,” stated a representative of the Maoist Communist Group, holding aloft a clearly doctored photograph of Mao taking a swing with a cricket bat.

“Mao Zedong, Chairman of the Sixes.”

The league intends to hold regular limited overs matches every weekend throughout the year in various cities across the country. In addition to the actual match, the US Maoist groups will take turns giving lectures on South Asian Maoist groups they admire or to which they have links. “We won the drawing of lots, so we’ll be going first,” said a representative of the RCPUSA. “It works out great for us because we’re gonna talk about the CCP(Maoist), but we’re just going to talk about them talking about Bob Avakian. New Synthesis, motherfuckers!”

The Revolutionary Organization of Labor, USA has offered “critical support” to the formation of the league: “As is known, we’re not too keen on the Cultural Revolution. The league’s ‘points of unity’, however, include ‘upholding the correct line of Chairman Mao Zedong, architect of the Great Proletarian Cultural Revolution, the height of actual communist practice,’ right after a line that just says ‘BOOM BOOM AFRIDI!’.

“It ought to be pretty clear that on those grounds, we simply can’t join as full members. However, it does seem like a good way to reach out to the Afro-Caribbean community, so we do intend to show up and hand out our newsletter outside, and see if we can negotiate a presentation about Indian ICOR members at some point.”

Polls indicate that a vanishingly small minority of US citizens are interested in learning about cricket at all, let alone joining a cricket league run by Maoists. However, immigrants from countries which are full ICC members, and South Asian immigrants in particular, have shown a cautious interest in the inaugural match in Queens.

“The thing is, they’re very bad at playing cricket,” explained Gurdal Singh, a local restaurateur from India’s Punjab province. “Just, truly awful. You would think that they could apply some of what they know of baseball, but no.”

His friend Ahmed Sharif agreed: “It is like watching a sport abortion. I thank God that our people did not emerge from British rule like this, fat and flabby and unable to play cricket.”

Pradhan Joshi, a Nepali shop owner, agreed: “We have a saying in Nepal: Unlucky in cricket, unlucky in people’s war. This lot will never succeed in a people’s war. In Nepal we had years of people’s war, I know what it takes. These Americans are out of shape, they lack discipline. They think they can go up to the mountains for months and years? When I suggested they try a five-day test match next summer one of them told me: ‘fuck that.’”

Reaction from South Asia has been more positive. “In spite of all divisions in the international Maoist movement, in spite of the objective weakness of revolutionaries in the imperialist United States, we take this as a sign of hope for international revolution. If cricket can unite the world, Maoism is surely next!” read a statement by the CPI(Maoist), who have reportedly celebrated the formation of the league by bombing a “bourgeois” cricket stadium.

CWI affiliate Socialist Movement Pakistan agreed: “In spite of our opposition to Maoism and Maoists, we support the news that Americans suddenly care about cricket for any reason, and we believe that more cricket in the United States will strengthen internationalist feelings of solidarity between South Asians and the goras.”

Other Maoist groups around the world have been less positive. A joint statement was released by the TKP/ML and MKP of Turkey/North Kurdistan:

“First of all, nothing with Bob Avakian involved in it can be a good idea. We learnt this the hard way. Secondly, what do you think you’re doing? This isn’t mass line at all. What you’ve done is taken something that you’re engaged in because you’re a Maoist, and tried to present it to the masses to make them Maoists. This is idealist in the extreme. What, would you have us go to Turkish villages with plates of curry and try to make the villagers Maoist that way?”

A representative of the NCP-LC responded: “See, that’s how we can tell they don’t have very good curry in Istanbul. I became a Maoist specifically because curry is so delicious.”

SELF-CRITICISM: The authors were previously unaware that after the split of NCP-LC from NCP(OC), the rump NCP(OC) renamed itself the Maoist Communist Group. A commenter alerted us of this, and the piece has been edited to reflect this reality. We have the Marxist-Leninist weapon of criticism and self-criticism. We can get rid of a bad style and keep the good. 

News in Brief: September 21st 2015

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BERLIN – Die Linke has released a press statement explaining their longstanding support for the German bourgeoisie as an internationalist tactical line. “As Lenin teaches us, there are inter-imperialist contradictions, and we’re trying to maintain the strength of the German bourgeoisie as a bulwark against the UK, the US, Russia, etc., giving our comrades around the world more imperialist powers between which to navigate.” CPUSA is expected to release a comparable statement in the coming days.

LOS ANGELES – At a “Red Guards” meeting of the Maoist NCP-LC earlier this week, a member is reported to have said that Cambodian leader Pol Pot was “probably the best Maoist who ever lived,” resulting in his being taken out back and thoroughly beaten. This follows news of an inter-NCP-LC beating in the Bronx where a new comrade reportedly defended Ho Chi Minh over Mao Zedong. No word from NCP-LC as yet on whether or not a defence of Lin Biao is beating-worthy, but analysts advise against it, on the grounds that “that’s the LLCO’s guy.”

OTTAWA – The NDP announced their “critical support” for all leftist organisations in Canada offering the NDP critical support. Analysts almost universally agreed that the RCP-PCR, CPC-PCC, and CPC(ML) had made a huge mistake by not backing the NDP the way that the Canadian IST affiliate International Socialists did, as the latter will surely now be able to build a worker’s state out of Canada and “the Stalinists” will be left far behind.

PARIS – In a heated confrontation at a demonstration yesterday, members of the PCOF nearly came to blows with members of the sole ICU organisation Lutte Ouvrière after the latter refused to apologise to the Hoxhaite party for Trotsky’s betrayal of Stalin. The PCOF has stated that it “firmly believes all the bad blood can be put behind us if only the Trotskyites would confess to and apologise for their crimes.”

LONDON – David Cameron fucked a pig, apparently.

Louis Proyect: Worker’s Spatula is Actually Genius

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NEW YORK – Elderly Marxist and vocal opponent of dictatorships, “especially the dictatorship of the proletariat”, Louis Proyect, has revealed that he actually supports Worker’s Spatula and hopes to be allowed to contribute in the near future.

“They’re just so insightful,” he revealed to friends. “But I can’t say so openly because it feels too much like propaganda, which we socialists must always avoid. We can of course support and use the propaganda of the US State Department.”

“Instead, I’ve been advertising them on my Facebook page to my followers, who clearly understand my circuitous methods, because they all know me and my ironic sense of humour.”

Proyect’s claims appear to be backed up by the fact that none of his Facebook friends liked his “anti-Worker’s Spatula” posts. “But just to be sure that Worker’s Spatula understood me, I told them they should emulate the generally unfunny and apolitical Recep İvedik, in spite of the huge amount of hilarious political satire to be found in Turkey. This move itself draws upon the best traditions of Turkish satire: Just recently, the state television channel TRT broadcast nine uninterrupted hours of the congress of the ruling AKP. What might appear at first glance to be pro-government propaganda was actually a subtle critique of the AKP and president Erdoğan, because clearly nothing could be more detrimental to their cause than nine unfiltered hours of AKP politicians talking.”

“Anyway I hope that the exemplary comrades at Worker’s Spatula will allow me to contribute to their publication. I’ve got a lot of good jokes about how people think the Soviet Union was socialist, or about how idiotic Stalinists think the King of Saudi Arabia is worse than Assad. Thankfully real leftists like Bernie Sanders don’t think so. Which, incidentally, is why we must give him 100% support. I really think he could be the first step of the construction of an American Podemos, which is clearly what we need now. You did read about their new strategy at Worker’s Spatula, right? I support it 100%.”

Public opinion is not overwhelmingly on Proyect’s side, however. A poll of Marxists at Columbia University revealed little support for Proyect joining the Worker’s Spatula team. One Maoist postdoctoral researcher was quoted as saying “Yeah, I know Louis Proyect, he’s that guy who got into a fight at Historical Materialism and then called it Studio 54. While that was definitely pretty funny, I don’t know how good he is at writing. His blog is pretty much unreadable.”

The editorial staff, however, is slightly more open. While differences in politics and sense of humour don’t bode well for the prospect of Proyect’s joining as a full-time contributor, it is likely that his attempts at analysis from his own blog may be used for inspiration for future pieces about US Trotskyists.

Worker’s Spatula Endorses Donald Trump

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TRUMP TOWER, NEW YORK – Worker’s Spatula held its first official press conference today at Trump Tower in New York City in order to announce its unconditional support for Republican candidate Donald Trump in the 2016 US Presidential Campaign. Our statement is also reproduced in full below:

We, the editorial staff of Worker’s Spatula, the most revolutionary publication in the world since Pravda under Stalin, would like to announce our unconditional support for Donald Trump – AKA ‘the Donald’ – in his campaign for presidency of the United States of America, the head of global imperialism and the single greatest threat to the international proletariat as a whole. Under the Donald’s guidance, we are confident that America will be a country that we can help reshape and make great. And by ‘make great’, we obviously mean establishing a dictatorship of the proletariat and beginning socialist construction. Donald Trump is the best man to get us there as quickly as possible.

Our analysis of the recent history of the United States has led us to the conclusion that any attempt at getting Americans to support third parties, or to push the Democrats in a left-wing direction, or even to get the Republicans to have a remotely circumspect foreign policy on populist grounds will not merely fail to push the American people towards revolutionary consciousness, but indeed will merely result in greater isolation of left-wing groups pursuing such tactics. On the basis of this conclusion, the only strategy we can think to apply in the US context is one of unabashed accelerationism, and the best man for that job is certainly Donald Trump.

Also, he’s got a corrupted German surname, which makes us all feel a bit closer to him, as we’re all basically corrupted Germans of one sort or another.

Lastly, seeing as the Trotskyites are all opposed to him, he can’t be all bad, right? As there are clearly no questions left unanswered, we will not be taking any. Thank you.

Reactions to our statement have been largely enthusiastic. Armed militants across the globe carried out celebratory attacks on their immediate enemies in order to welcome our statement and intensify their struggle against imperialism. In the Philippines, the New People’s Army stormed and took over a military outpost on the island of Samar, taking down the flag of the Philippines and replacing it with a red flag with a white spatula and sickle on it. A militant identified as “Ka Ernesto” released a short video in front of the flag in which he articulated his hopes that the national-democratic forces would defeat the Philippine government after Trump becomes president of the US:

“We are always in favour of whatever relations of forces strengthen our position and thus Trump is our choice for President of the imperialist United States. Donald, MABUHAY!”

In India, the Naxalites attacked a multinational corporation’s copper mine in the forest near Ghatshila, destroying scores of machines. They refused to give a clear statement on Trump, however, promising on the one hand not to attack Trump Tower in New York, but on the other hand warning Trump that any real estate he might erect in Odisha is a potential target. The EZLN, on the other hand, released a statement embracing Trump as “the gravedigger of US imperialism”, but was reluctant to stage an armed demonstration for undisclosed reasons, presumably related to Trump’s views on Mexicans.

In Turkey/North Kurdistan, TİKKO, the armed wing of the TKP/ML, attacked a police station in Dêrsim with rocket launchers, later publishing a declaration of their certainty that Trump would be on their side against the fascist AKP government. The DHKP-C, for its part, welcomed Worker’s Spatula’s endorsement of Trump by attacking the Trump Towers in Istanbul’s Şişli neighbourhood with a suicide bomber. This act was reportedly done to endorse Trump. Or condemn him. Their members have yet to decide.

Other reactions have been equally enthusiastic. Alexis Tsipras sent Trump a message enquiring about the possibility of a common internationalist platform: “We are both young and attractive men who take great pride in our hair. Varoufakis, who has been stabbing me in the back repeatedly ever since I removed him from his post as the Minister of Finance, takes no pride in his hair. Because he has none.” Sources inside Syriza say that Tsipras regards a deal with Trump as the “trump card” [no pun intended, Tsipras doesn’t know any English, –W.S.] for the crucial upcoming elections: “After Varoufakis and Tsalakatos failed to reach a satisfactory deal with the Germans, the only hope he has left is Trump,” a Tsipras aide informed us.

100% of Communist Turkish PhD Students in the US Report Symptoms of Depression

MIT

CAMBRIDGE, MASSACHUSETTS – According to a new study released by the Massachusetts Institute of Technology conducted over the past two months, 100% of “örgütlü” communist Turkish PhD students in the United States report symptoms of depression.

Unable to join the rakı geceleri of their liboş classmates, alienated from their surroundings in New York, Los Angeles, Chicago, the San Francisco Bay Area, Princeton, and Boston/Cambridge, distanced by circumstance from the Turkish and Kurdish masses among whom they might organise, even in Berlin or Paris, these children of Mahir Çayan have been hit the hardest by recent developments in Turkey and North Kurdistan.

88% reported persistent feelings of hopelessness, 96% reported strong feelings of worthlessness, and 100% reported that “Napıyorum ben ya? Doktora moktora, hepsi boş.”

12% of male respondents reported being unable to discuss their troubles with their German girlfriends, while 28% of female respondents reported that their US boyfriends spent most of the conversation looking up the names of political actors in the region on Wikipedia as they were mentioned in a vain effort to follow along.

Of such conversations, 62% ended when a US boyfriend uttered the phrase: “So Barzani isn’t the PKK?”

37% of respondents reported receiving an e-mail from their advisers making note of “a sharp decline in the quality and quantity of… [their] work since the beginning of the semester”. Of these, almost all responded with an apologetic e-mail informing their advisers that “dialectics teaches us that quantitative change alters the quality, and also qualitative change alters the quantity.”

91% of respondents reported that their only solace was drinking German or Dutch beer at home and listening to Ahmet Kaya, with an additional 2% agreeing provided they could add: “Ahmet Aslan da olur”.

“SADECE SUSARAK ÖZLÜYORUM SENİİİİİ,” wailed one respondent in Brooklyn, tears streaming down his red face as he stared at a photograph of Deniz Gezmiş. “HİÇ TANIMADAN NE GARİP, NE GARİİİP.”

Unusual for a study on depression of this size, 0% of respondents reported any suicidal thoughts per se. However, researchers noted that this absence was accompanied by a 97% affirmative response to the question: “Do you ever think about going to Rojava?”

5% reported trying to cheer themselves up by talking to that one American guy who won’t shut up about İbrahim Kaypakkaya, which “only made matters worse.”