Bernie Sanders Unveils his “New Synthesis”

berniessynthesisMONTPELIER, VERMONT – Bernie Sanders held a press conference today, at which he announced his plans for a tour for his new book “BAsics”, composed primarily of excerpts from talks given by the “independent” senator from Vermont.

Bernie Sanders, who until recently was mostly known in US circles for his support for the Bipartisan Budget Act of 2013, has been capturing the media spotlight thanks to his campaign to be the Democratic Party’s presidential candidate for the 2016 United States Presidential Elections.

“If elected, I plan to steer America in a ‘socialist’ direction, with more social security and an unelected hereditary Scandinavian head of state. It’s all a part of my ‘New Synthesis’ of socialism.”

Asked to define his “New Synthesis”, Sanders vaguely responded that it was a method for achieving socialism without the traditional “mistakes” of the US Left.

“For example, it is only through my ‘New Synthesis’ that I was able to defeat the Republicans in the 2016 Senatorial Election. Other Leftist groups lack the ‘New Synthesis’, so when they run for office, they find themselves defeated by the Democrats. The Democrats, however, were unable to run against me, because of my ‘New Synthesis’.”

At one point during the press conference, the US Trotskyist organisation known as the International Socialist Organization ran onstage, loudly and rudely disrupting the senator who was just trying to explain his nice ideas to the people. Some of them were even Black, frightening many in attendance.

The press conference was hastily cancelled so that the senator could go take some Rolaids and recover from the shock of being interrupted.

On the way out, we interviewed a young woman wearing a t-shirt emblazoned with Sanders’s face and the words “Culture of Appreciation, Promotion, and Popularization”, who commented:

“The ISO is only hurting their own cause by acting this way. I mean, Bernie Sanders and them already agree on so much, like putting Saudi Arabia in charge of Syria, for example. But only Bernie Sanders can make that dream a reality.”

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