LONDON – In news which will surprise absolutely no-one, Jeremy Corbyn has won the election for leader of the Labour Party of the United Kingdom. His former rivals, Yvette Cooper, Andy Burnham, and Liz Kendall, have all been reported missing, with many officials openly voicing their suspicion of foul play by Corbyn’s fanatical supporters.
Just prior to the start of Corbyn’s victory speech, a young woman was hauled off by police after physically assaulting SWP members who were peacefully selling newspapers outside. As she was dragged off, she continued screaming “WRECKERS! WRECKERS! JEREMY’S IN CHARGE NOW, OUR DAY WILL COME!”
Corbyn began his speech much as expected, with references to the historical role played by great proletarian theorists such as Marx, Engels, Lenin, Stalin, Enver Hoxha, and Harold Wilson. Cheers were heard from the crowd as Corbyn referenced the “inevitable victory of our partisan forces fighting in Sheffield against fascist Tory encirclement.”
“¡VENCEREMOS!” He shouted over the already ecstatic crowd. “We will win!”
“This victory is not just a victory for left Labourites like ourselves, but a victory for the entire international proletariat. It is a victory for the guerrilla forces fighting in Rojava, in the Philippines, and all the real revolutionaries across the world.”
“Without further ado, I would like to announce my good personal friend, and head of what is now our fraternal party in Germany, Stefan Engel!” boomed Corbyn as Stefan Engel emerged from backstage, waving the ICOR flag.
“We are proud to accept the UK Party of Labour into the ranks of ICOR, and we hope this represents a great step forward for international revolution. Or maybe it’s just nothing, like every time the British get excited about anything, with your royal babies, and your cheeky Nando’s. Either way, I want you all to know that the English and Welsh translations of my children’s book ‘An Illustrated Guide to the Great Proletarian Cultural Revolution’ are now available at Waterstones.”
Amidst the triumphant atmosphere, Corbyn soberly reminded the crowd of Labour’s past “revisionism”, and the danger that the revisionists might again seize power. He concluded by saying:
“There is not the slightest doubt that at the ‘top’ of our Party there were noticeable vacillations that nearly became ruinous, because the struggle was developing; under certain conditions, at a certain moment, vacillations may ruin the cause. We must put all our forces into the struggle, we must uphold the correct line of the party of the revolutionary proletariat before it is too late.”
The crowd, a sea of red banners, photographs of Stalin, and right fists raised in fierce defiance, chanted in unison: “UPHOLD THE CORRECT LINE! UPHOLD THE CORRECT LINE! UPHOLD THE CORRECT LINE!”
“With the revolutionary theory of Marxism-Leninism, a weapon more terrifying to the bourgeoisie than the atomic bomb, we can and will emerge victorious!” screamed an increasingly hoarse-voiced Corbyn. “Develop and put into practice real revolutionary Marxism-Leninism, here in Britain, today! Raise up the blood-red banner for all our comrades across the globe! Workers of the world, unite!”
The Daily Mail has responded by issuing a paper comprising nothing but an enormous picture of Corbyn’s face where the front page ought to be, followed by pages and pages of the words “We told you so.” repeated over and over again in various font sizes.