100% of Communist Turkish PhD Students in the US Report Symptoms of Depression


CAMBRIDGE, MASSACHUSETTS – According to a new study released by the Massachusetts Institute of Technology conducted over the past two months, 100% of “örgütlü” communist Turkish PhD students in the United States report symptoms of depression.

Unable to join the rakı geceleri of their liboş classmates, alienated from their surroundings in New York, Los Angeles, Chicago, the San Francisco Bay Area, Princeton, and Boston/Cambridge, distanced by circumstance from the Turkish and Kurdish masses among whom they might organise, even in Berlin or Paris, these children of Mahir Çayan have been hit the hardest by recent developments in Turkey and North Kurdistan.

88% reported persistent feelings of hopelessness, 96% reported strong feelings of worthlessness, and 100% reported that “Napıyorum ben ya? Doktora moktora, hepsi boş.”

12% of male respondents reported being unable to discuss their troubles with their German girlfriends, while 28% of female respondents reported that their US boyfriends spent most of the conversation looking up the names of political actors in the region on Wikipedia as they were mentioned in a vain effort to follow along.

Of such conversations, 62% ended when a US boyfriend uttered the phrase: “So Barzani isn’t the PKK?”

37% of respondents reported receiving an e-mail from their advisers making note of “a sharp decline in the quality and quantity of… [their] work since the beginning of the semester”. Of these, almost all responded with an apologetic e-mail informing their advisers that “dialectics teaches us that quantitative change alters the quality, and also qualitative change alters the quantity.”

91% of respondents reported that their only solace was drinking German or Dutch beer at home and listening to Ahmet Kaya, with an additional 2% agreeing provided they could add: “Ahmet Aslan da olur”.

“SADECE SUSARAK ÖZLÜYORUM SENİİİİİ,” wailed one respondent in Brooklyn, tears streaming down his red face as he stared at a photograph of Deniz Gezmiş. “HİÇ TANIMADAN NE GARİP, NE GARİİİP.”

Unusual for a study on depression of this size, 0% of respondents reported any suicidal thoughts per se. However, researchers noted that this absence was accompanied by a 97% affirmative response to the question: “Do you ever think about going to Rojava?”

5% reported trying to cheer themselves up by talking to that one American guy who won’t shut up about İbrahim Kaypakkaya, which “only made matters worse.”

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