Vatan Partisi Embraces Lindsay Lohan, Vows to Defeat Imperialism with Her Help


LONDON – Lindsay Lohan created some confusion and uproar when she shared a map of the contours of Turkey covered in the Turkish flag on Instagram. She added: “In order to understand your future you must know your past! 13 more years of Unity and Hope!!” As this came only two days before Turkey’s snap election that was forced by the unwillingness of President Erdoğan to accept the electoral defeat of his party and consequently his eagerness to start a mini-war for his own amusement in Kurdistan, Lohan’s strange share was widely seen as an endorsement of the AKP and Erdoğan, who have been in power for an ominous 13 years.

Lohan mostly caused disbelief and shock among her followers and non-followers and led many Kurds to wonder if there was another country on earth that had the same shape as Turkey and used the same flag, because the talk of 13 years of unity – or in fact unity at all – was intellectually inconceivable for them. When asked about his reaction, our friend Şahîn from Silvan stated: “How can the international community accept two countries with the same shape and flag? Is Turkey planning to sue this other country for copyright infringement? Because there’s obviously no way she means Turkey, right?” Heval Ed from Şırnak also expressed his surprise: “In what mahalle does she live?” He added with absolute conviction: “Clearly there is no YDG-H there and drug dealers can do their business unharmed.”

Despite the incredulous reaction from the Kurds, Lohan has also received some praise for her bold post. President Erdoğan held up Lohan as a role model that Turkish women should seek to emulate, if only she could cover herself, quit alcohol, drugs and smoking, and of course quit working so as to better serve her husband at home. “These are minor details that can be fixed, her political views are fantastic, however,” he concluded.

Prime Minister Davutoğlu, who recently called on AKP supporters who could not find a partner to ask him personally for help, enquired if he could place Lohan on his list of potential spouses for strapping young reactionary lads.

An even more enthusiastic endorsement came from the Vatan Partisi and their leader and winner of the not-exactly-coveted “most treasonous” award at the Commies nearly every year, Doğu Perinçek. A statement by Perinçek reads: “We greet our comrade Lindsay and we welcome her endorsement of the unity of the Turkish state against the separatist terrorists and the forces of imperialism which are their puppet masters. We have learnt that she is considering running for the US presidency in 2020, and we invite her to do so on the Vatan Partisi platform. The Vatan Partisi and its leader, the hero of the Turkish people, Doğu Perinçek – yes, correct, that’s me – will defeat US imperialism from within by winning the presidency with our comrade Lindsay. We have already succeeded in convincing the European Court of Human Rights that the Armenian Genocide was a lie, now is the time to finish Hollywood and its imperialism with the help of Lindsay Lohan.”

HDP co-chair and prominent figure of Adana’s Albanian community, Figen Yüksekdağ, responded by calling on Lindsay Lohan to “do some research, purchase a proper trouser suit, and unite with the democratic and progressive forces leading the oppressed and… oh who am I kidding? It’s Lindsay Lohan, for God’s sake.”

Lindsay Lohan was pleasantly surprised by all the positive reactions, however, she added that she did not feel to comfortable with everyday political work. “I mean, you know, it’s really not what I’m good at. Like, y’know, if they send me somewhere to campaign for the party, like Hakkari or Silver Lake or something… I’m not sure I could do that. Neither seem like a safe environment for me.” She added, however, that she could envision herself making testimonials for the Vatan Partisi. “And also, y’know, I would love to meet Perinçek. Apparently him and his followers have found a method to completely dissociate themselves from the real and material world without drugs… If they tell me their secret, that might be good for my health too, y’know.”

Following this exchange of statements President Erdoğan released another statement: “Oh, the Vatan Partisi claims her? Well, that’s alright, they are with us.”

Even “the Caliphate” issued a statement. A video surfaced on the internet in which an ISIS spokesperson going by the name Murat al-Adiyamanli addressed Lohan. “If she ever has an interest, we will always welcome her with open arms. I mean, clearly, she is not living a proper Islamic lifestyle, but then, who among us is? The important thing is her fierce opposition to the atheist communist PKK animals, we will work the religion thing out somehow or other.”

President Erdoğan used his seemingly unending screen time to address the ISIS video as well: “Oh, ISIS wants her now? Well, again, no problem, we are cool with them too.”


Trotsky: A Suicide Note (by Martin Anus)


This is a suicide note. By the time you finish reading it, John Felch will no longer exist.

As my yacht neared the shore, the codeine kicked in. My pummelling headache was straining every sinew from my neck to my forehead. I yelled to the cabin-men to top up my tax-free Irish whiskey. One came and took my glass, and I stared at him groggily. His M4 Carbine glinted in the first of the sun’s rays. My iPhone—white; there’s nothing quite as tacky as the gold—started buzzing like a dildo in hand luggage. ‘Christopher’, read the pixellated display.

As I veered back into consciousness I realised we were evacuating onto shore. I snorted a line and jumped out of the boat. The tough ex-military black boys from Brownsville were doing what they had to. What the executives had promised they would, at those swanky ‘neither Washington nor Moscow’ business seminars. Where the contract was signed and the newspaper business started flowing. Another quick line—and I broke into a run too, my varicose veins and short breath hampering my every step. I didn’t have a position to cover, but I had got a destination. Not for me the Presidential Palace. Not tonight, at least. Tonight, the Presidential Suite.

‘Fucking. Stalinist. Whore.’ I shouted down the phone, piningly masturbating to the televisual news from old blighty. Room service took my request seriously, sending up a luscious green-bereted beauty with a recognisable moustache. Coming like a steam train, I was distracted at the moment of truth by the screen reappearance of Jeremy Corbyn: cuddly liberal on the surface, but a subcutaneous doctrinaire Bonapartist from the past. A last thrust, like a horny-handed peasant killing a vampire, a handful of multi-coloured pills, and sleep.

The phone scraped across my thigh like it wanted to get me off for cash. Christopher.

“Are you crazy, John? Where the fuck are you?”
“I’m where we wanted to be, Chris. Right there. With a hundred-dollar chick and her walrus moustache.”
“Do you have no loyalty to the company left whatsoever?”
“Don’t you worry,” I reassured, fidgeting at Uncle Josephine’s bodices, “I’m looking after this company—and its merger, right down to the last detail.”
“You’d better be, asshole. You don’t get a sixty-seventh chance.”
“I’m flying back to New York first thing tomorrow—First Class. If we haven’t got the business done, there’s the whole of the rest of the Bay Area left for hostile takeover bids.”
“Fuck you,” came the familiar reply. “And there’s something else. I hear that Corbyn has it in for you.”
“Well, fuck him too.” The old-left coffin-dodger might have killed off Harold Wilson’s permanent revolution, but we—the proletarian vanguard—would triumph.

I injected some neat cognac.

“The rumours back in the US of A are that the ROL have tipped off a Catalan named Ramón from the PML (RC) as to your whereabouts.”

“Now that is more serious.” It didn’t matter though. I was at the peak of my life—the peak of my powers. I was immortal. A success in every area of life, and backed by shadowy forces I couldn’t even begin to fathom.

“Well, they’ll just have to wait. I’m a busy man,” I said, flicking the phone off and then dialling for a limousine.

“How was Havana?” Serena asked uninterestedly, her fingers playing with her nightgown.
“I was in Guatemala, baby,” I said.
“Oh? Your luggage tags say Havana.”
“Anyway, it was fine. Did you miss me?”
“Not much. Bring me anything nice?”
“I didn’t have time to souvenir shop. I was getting down to business…”
“Not even something… structuralist?” Trotsky, Trotsky, Trotsky. All she cared about was getting her hit. And Trotsky packed a heck of a hit. She had ransacked my library and left me half out of dialectic.

And that was when the executives called with the bad news. A gaunt old man with a short Lenin beard on a motorcycle was on his way towards the apartment, and I was to get the hell out.

Carrying an ice axe.

All-Male Central Committee Pays Tribute to Clara Zetkin


LONDON – The central committee of the People’s Marxist-Leninist Communist Party of Great Britain (Proletarian Action), the latest anti-revisionist microsect to emerge in the UK, met today at their headquarters in Highbury to discuss the state of the women’s movement in that country, and to pay tribute to the personage of the great Bolshevik Clara Zetkin.

Stating that the women’s movement was “very important”, the twelve-member party’s eight central committee members, who are all men, read aloud a prepared statement on the importance of Clara Zetkin’s theoretical and practical work, which they indicated “should serve as an inspiration to the party in our resolute struggle against feminism and for real women’s liberation [… after the revolution].”

A large portrait of Clara Zetkin was then produced from a back room and hung on the wall below the portraits of Marx, Engels, Lenin, and Stalin.

The floor was then opened up to the four non-central committee party members, each of whom stated that this was a good and correct action, and that they would certainly redouble their efforts to study important Bolshevik leaders such as Clara Zetkin, and hopefully they would recruit a woman to the party at some point.

The central committee then announced the topics for next week’s meeting:
-Proletarian internationalism
-Why the Welsh are not a nation
-Why Scotland must never secede from the UK
-The formation of a new international after our Wikipedia research on ICOR led us to the conclusion that they are reformist scum
-Commemorating the partisans who died fighting fascism
-Condemning the Rojava social contract as bourgeois feminist idealism
-Why Trotskyites and the Communist Party of Britain are ruining everything

Afterwards, the twelve-man party rose from their chairs and proceeded to the refreshments table, at which they condemned various trends in the women’s movement at home and abroad for not living up to their revolutionary standards of women’s liberation.

ISIS Unites with ISO in Struggle against Fascism


RAQQAH, SYRIA – In what could well be the tipping of the scales in the revolutionary struggle against Assad’s offensively non-Sunni regime, the most repressive in the Arab world according to all non-tankies, self-styled “Caliph of the Islamic State”, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has revealed the existence of long-running negotiations with the ISO, and that these negotiations have resulted in a decision to unite into a single organisation.

“The Islamic State is no more! We are now the International Islamic Socialist State of Iraq and Syria: the IISSIS!” announced Joseph al-Combined and Uneven, the former ISO’s delegate to Raqqah and now “Emir of Lebanon”, sporting an impressive beard which apparently dates back to his ISO organising days in Brooklyn, when he lived in the hipster part of Williamsburg but attempted to organise in the Hispanic part of Williamsburg.

“This is the natural conclusion of our heroic, on-the-ground role in the Syrian Revolution®, which erupted in March 2011 after Bashar ‘Stalin’ al-Assad personally gunned down a million Syrians and their mothers twice for no reason. Stalinism, as exemplified by Bashar al-Assad, is the primary contradiction in Syria, and is known by all the Syrians I’ve spoken to here in Raqqah to be the primary contradiction, not only in Syria, but in the world! Therefore, it is only right that we join a united front with all progressive forces in Syria, except those nationalist Kurds, and through this united front we have convinced the Syrian people to accept our correct line. Suck on that, Worker’s World!”

The “Syrian Revolution” has been denounced by the usual gang of National Bolsheviks who throughout history have supported dead-end petty bourgeois leaders like Ho Chi Minh and Thomas Sankara, and today ignore the real and really revolutionary revolutions in Ukraine and Syria. However, these elements only make up the majority in stupid poor countries. They are outnumbered in countries where, thanks to the full and proper development of the proletariat, the contradictions are at their sharpest, such as Britain or France. These bloodthirsty Assad-worshippers have made up stories of sectarian attacks on Alawites, despite all available evidence pointing to only the most powerful, well-funded and numerically significant elements of the Arab opposition holding explicitly anti-Alawite views.

“Our statisticians on the ground in Beirut report that fewer than 100% of active militias fighting Assad demand a Sunni theocracy built on the mass murder of all Alawites is a desirable goal,” reported Haydar Abdurrahim, an analyst working in London for a Qatari-funded Human Rights organisation. “So really, there’s nothing to worry about.”

Rebecca al-Fa’s, an IISSIS comrade from Boston, agreed: “Every day the reality of the Syrian Revolution becomes more clear to the entire world, except for tankies, that is to say, those to whom the reality is not clear.”

“The Islamic State’s conversion to revolutionary socialism is living proof that petty bourgeois white Anglo university students in imperialist countries armed with our encyclopedic knowledge of our own overpriced pamphlets, and knowledge of exactly one regional language if you count English, can win over even the most stubborn reactionaries. When we spoke to grassroots ISIS activists over Skype about the unity declaration, it became clear that the move towards radical progressive politics was driven from below as a direct result of ISO activists winning over rank-and-file jihadists to the shining path of socialism, eventually compelling the petty bourgeois leadership to submit to the masses.”

“Furthermore, notice that despite all their support, the Spartacist League could never totally convince ISIS. That’s because they support North Korea. Hatred of North Korea is the key to the masses. Remember this and do not forget.”

“Naturally we still believe it is our duty to cleanse all Muslim lands of filthy infidels, whose blood and women are halal for us,” said activist aid worker “Muawiyah Al Tunisi”. “One day, after I had performed my daily quota of beheadings, I was approached by a young man from America who asked if I’d like to buy a magazine. He told me I was being exploited by my bosses who generated surplus value from all my beheadings, so we created workers councils to distribute the head-chopping work evenly,” said the young activist who was oppressed for decades by Assad’s diabolical regime, despite being a Tunisian national who arrived in Syria for the first time in 2012.

“Whenever ISIS activists would talk about wanting to slaughter the Alawites, Christians, and Druze, this is because they represent the oppressed Sunni masses who suffered for decades under a sectarian Alawite regime that forced them to believe that Syrians from all sects are equal,” explained Rebecca al-Fa’s.

“Oh the daily oppression!” lamented “Abu Omar al-Uthman”, a Syrian activist who returned in 2012 after living in exile for two decades, “my family owned half the land in Hama before the Baathist kuffar took over,” he said, wiping away his tears with wads of Saudi banknotes that kept falling out of his pockets, “they took most of it away in the name of this ‘land reform’ nonsense…”

“We explained to him that what he suffered under wasn’t real socialism but state capitalism – his eyes lit up and he signed our membership form straight away. Endless appeals to a fantasy socialism as the solution to all worldly problems has a shocking appeal among religious fanatics. Plus, as ISIS argues against Islamism in one country, similarly, we oppose socialism in one country. We both advocate chaos in the name of radical change, regardless of the objective consequences, so long as the result benefits US foreign policy. These common theoretical views laid the foundation for our now-realised unity in practice!”

Asked about plans for the future, Rebecca al-Fa’s was optimistic: “Given how incredibly progressive, moderate, and secular the FSA is, we’re sure they’re going to unite with us next! Revolution forever!”

Ebert’s Skeleton Dug Up and Named Chair of Die Linke


BERLIN – In a shocking twist even by the standards of the ever-dynamic world of German left politics, Die Linke has elected to dig up the remains of Friedrich Ebert and name it chairman of their party.

Unsurprisingly, the move to replace Kipping and Riexinger with the skeleton of the man whose government was responsible for the deaths of Rosa Luxemburg of Karl Liebknecht has caused controversy inside the party and out. SPD has immediately filed a lawsuit demanding Ebert’s remains be turned over to them, “since he is definitely ours and we would’ve done this already if only we’d thought of it first.”

Riexinger, who has been demoted to co-assistant to Chairman Ebert along with Kipping, responded defiantly to the SPD’s attempts to take away Die Linke’s newest asset: “Friedrich Ebert does not belong to the SPD alone, but to all who still dream the beautiful second internationalist dream here in Germany. We are the genuine left in Germany, and the German left is Ebert, so Ebert is us. He is our heritage, he is our future.”

Kipping added: “SPD needs to give it up. We’ve had about enough. It’s not hard to see, the corpse is ours.”

A small speaker has been installed in what remains of Ebert’s mouth which plays a loud recording of the German national anthem whenever someone in the area is detected engaging in ultra-left shenanigans. The ultra-leftism is detected through a complex network of cameras and microphones which feed information into a computer in the cranial cavity about the presence of red flags other than Die Linke’s or phrases statistically associated with ICOR troublemaking. If Stefan Engel’s name is uttered in the skeleton’s presence, the anthem will play at top volume while a signal will be sent to the police, so that they may come immediately to restore good patriotic German order.

Die Linke higher-ups refer to it as “a miracle of German engineering.”

In response to polite requests from the stupid proletarian members near the bottom of the party structure for an explanation of this warm embrace of Ebert while Die Linke still makes use of symbolism paying tribute to Luxemburg and Liebknecht, Kipping and Riexinger remained steadfast.

“If this is the only thing you find hypocritical about Die Linke policy, I’m not sure how qualified you are to speak about left politics either,” laughed Kipping. “I mean, where were we during negotiations with Greece? I’m really asking you, I was quite drunk for most of the negotiations, and I’m not sure what I got up to.”

Riexinger agreed: “Very, very drunk.”

“Anyone who’s been with us this long isn’t gonna go running off to join a proper communist party just because we ‘abandon’ Luxemburg now,” concluded Kipping. “And if they do, all the better. It’s because of troublemakers like that that we’ve got the Verfassungsschutz on our backs.”

The DKP reacted to the news with delight: “So if they’re appropriating Ebert now, does that mean we can have the Karl Liebknecht House and the Rosa Luxemburg Foundation? Not that we’re going to support any adventurist nonsense like Luxemburg and Liebknecht did, but it’d be nice to have more name-brand recognition.”

Stefan Engel, chairman of the MLPD and one true king of Narnia, was arrested within hours of Die Linke’s press release for physically assaulting the Ebert skeleton, whose skull he broke to pieces before the police arrived.

Doğu Perinçek Champions Amnesty International Report


ANKARA – Following the release of a controversial report by Israel’s favourite Human Rights organisation, Amnesty International, on alleged destruction of Arab villages by PYD forces, known piece of shit Doğu Perinçek, chair of the Vatan Partisi (Homeland Party), released a video statement condemning the PYD’s “crimes against Turkey”.

“The PYD is trying to divide Turkey by killing Syrian Arabs. They’re committing genocide against the Syrian Arabs and they’re doing it because they’re agents of the Americans. Amnesty International are also agents of the Americans, but this time they’re right, because since the Russians are now supporting the PYD, that means that the rules of the game have changed, and Amnesty International must also be agents of the Russians, and therefore objective.”

Amnesty International has called on the PYD, and no one else in Syria, to pay compensation to their alleged victims. In a not at all suspiciously timed video, the PYD is accused of systematic destruction of Arab villages which are simultaneously “far from the fighting” and covered in ISIS placards, simply because they are Arab, and also perhaps because of political collaboration with the totally secular and progressive forces of the not-at-all sectarian FSA. Doğu Perinçek continued with his analysis:

“The AKP was talking about PYD genocide against the Palestinians, or Syrians, or whatever, months ago. This shows how trustworthy the information is. The people who disagree with the AKP are all agents of the Americans, unlike the AKP, which is fighting for Turkey’s sovereignty against the forces of the deep state, as everyone understood during the Ergenekon trials.”

At this point in the video, Perinçek looks off-camera, as if he has received a signal, says “Okay”, and then turns back to the camera and says: “Except when we say they’re not, of course.”

After a few more suitably self-contradictory statements, Perinçek concluded by announcing “Long live Marxism-Leninism-Deng Xiaoping Thought!” , raising his hand instinctively into a wolf gesture, and then quickly self-correcting to a clenched fist.

Reaction from the actual Turkish left was swift, with groups ranging in their views from ESP to BDSP, and in size from EMEP to TÖPG, issuing response statements condemning Perinçek’s words, “indeed, almost all words he’s ever spoken”. Grup Munzur released a song entitled “Comrade İbrahim was Right, Comrades”, which contains the following stirring lines:

In Diyarbakır prison, Comrade İbrahim was tortured.

That Doğu Perinçek was a traitor, he knew before anyone.

As Comrade İbrahim lay dying, said he:

“I was the one who hated Perinçek first.”

Even Islamic liberation theologian İhsan Eliaçık issued a statement, including within it his feelings on the recent bombing in Ankara:

“That we live in a world where over a hundred good-hearted people can have their lives taken away like that, in the middle of Ankara, while Doğu Perinçek is allowed to live… Well, to be honest, it’s caused me to question my faith in God.”

Surprisingly, even the arch-tirşikçî KP condemned Perinçek’s rhetoric as “divisive”. A representative of the KP, Ömer Akbıyık, had this to say:

“We condemn Perinçek’s naked attempts at currying favour with the AKP government by parroting the propaganda claims of the imperialists. But what can you expect from a reformist party like Vatan Partisi? They are not serious revolutionaries like us. All they ever do is run their small party in elections and make grand statements about what they would do if they were in power, which they obviously never will be, accusing all other political actors of left deviationism for any tactics which actually command the respect of any sizeable portion of the proletariat. It’s clear that any party like that are mere agents of the Turkish state meant to distract the Turkish left from its historic mission of building socialism in Turkey.”

Confusingly, the other half of the TKP split, HTKP, released their own statement saying that their members were free to agree with Perinçek or Akbıyık, then condemning the first statement as liberal and calling for the purging of all members who agreed with Perinçek, who are expected to form their own party, HVP, later this week.

Workers’ Liberty Condemns Palestinian Assault on Israeli Rights


LONDON – Alliance for Workers’ Liberty has surprised absolutely no one by responding to a recent increase in Israeli settler and military assaults on the occupied Palestinians with a condemnation of the latter for “supporting Hamas” and “denying the Jewish people their divinely promised homeland”.

“Hamas is anti-Semitic, and you’re anti-Semitic too,” Sean Harrison, a representative of Workers’ Liberty informed Worker’s Spatula during an interview earlier today. “Arabs need to stop being such Nazi Islamists, they’re trampling on Israel’s right to self-determination. And as for you lot, Worker’s Spatula supports the SSNP, isn’t it? You’re all National Bolsheviks. That’s what I read on Twitter, anyway.

“Israel has a right to defend itself from Stalinist Arab civilians. All Arabs are Stalinists, except Revolutionary Socialists in Egypt, but they’re Cliffites, which is even worse, because they hate Jews. Tony Cliff was a self-hating Jew.”

“The only nice Arabs are the FSA, of course, they’re secular democrats fighting for genuine democracy, unlike those filthy Palestinians. You can tell because their enemies are Arabs and not Jews.”

Harrison insisted we publish all their statements, in the hopes that Palestinians living under the boot of the occupying Israeli state could “understand our true internationalist analysis and cease their chauvinistic oppression of Israel. The Arabs must learn to seek peace and stop provoking Israel like the warmongering jihadists they are.”

“We and the Israelis teach our workers to love, the Arabs teach their workers to hate,” he concluded.

SWP Releases Statement Calling for Morrissey’s Death


LONDON – British IST affiliate Socialist Workers’ Party has shocked their Egyptian sister party, Revolutionary Socialists, by calling for the speedy execution of Morrissey.

“Morrissey is actually a counter-revolutionary, merely posing as a critic of the establishment, with his petty-bourgeois idealism and his empty words. We demand that the Egyptian state quickly chop his ugly head off, before any more Egyptian Trotskyists are tricked into supporting his dangerous rhetoric.”

Revolutionary Socialists, contrary to the reputation of IST affiliates to slavishly follow orders from London, issued this fierce response:

“Our message to Callinicos, you donkey: Morrissey is still the only democratic leader of the Egyptian people, ever. Every other leader of the Egyptians, from Nasser to Sisi, have all been Stalinists. We will never abandon Morrissey, even if the rest of the IST does. To die by his side? Well, the pleasure, the privilege, is ours.”

The Spartacist League of Britain, known in very hip circles for their artisanal paper, Workers Hammer [a name clearly chosen to capitalise on the popularity of Worker’s Spatula – WS], pointed out in a lengthy rant that “the Cliffites” had until recently supported Morrissey’s presidency, disrupted an SWP “Kill Morrissey” rally in order to demand an explanation.

“We, the Spartacist League of Britain, are the only real communists in Britain, and indeed, the world!” screamed the leader of the Spart gang, Linda Harris, through a megaphone. “We never supported Morrissey or any other popular leader ever! That’s how you know we’re pure! But still, these pseudo-revolutionaries should have to explain to the working class their unprincipled and opportunistic zigzags! Why are you all such fucking shits?”

An unfazed Callinicos quickly regained control of the rally, taking hold of an even larger and less bureaucratic megaphone, to respond: “You lot support ISIS.”

After the rally, a member of the SWP agreed to speak with Worker’s Spatula on condition of anonymity. “We did support Morrissey, we did zigzag, the Sparts are right on this one.”

“The thing is, we really liked his early work, back under Mubarak, with the Smiths.”

Image credit: “gleepii” on Reddit.

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COINTELPRO Releases Statement


WASHINGTON D.C. – The clandestine organisation known as COINTELPRO released a statement yesterday, explaining its actions were necessary components of revolutionary struggle in the United States, meant to eliminate ultra-left forces which sought to divide the working class and misinform them about Marxism.

“Many have accused us of brutality against progressive forces in the United States. But let’s ask ourselves honestly: How progressive were these forces? The Black Panthers? Why, Hal Draper, the greatest American Marxist, said it best, when he attacked Stalinist Black nationalism as ‘Jim Crow in reverse’.”

“We wouldn’t want a bunch of Stalinist tankies running around, bringing back Jim Crow, but in reverse, now would we?”

“The Young Lords, American Indian Movement, Puerto Ricans, just in general… All the groups we targeted were trying to divide the working class on ‘racial’ lines, so who can take seriously the claim that we’re the rightists? We were destroying all the right-wing forces using left deviationism as a means of sowing confusion among socialists across the United States, and we spared all the real revolutionary forces, like our dear Trotskyist comrades, who you’ll note we didn’t kill even one of. You’re welcome, real revolutionaries!”

The statement also confirmed the allegations that COINTELPRO did cooperate with the US government in pursuit of its aims, “an idea we got from the book ‘the Spook Who Sat by the Door’.” This was “justified based on the objective conditions, unlike cooperation with any of the US’s enemies, like the Soviet Union, China, or Russia today.”

“Even if we made mistakes, at least we aren’t totalitarians or tankies. Everything we did, we did for socialism in the United States. Long live Marxism-Ebertism!”

Responses from the non-“tankie” components of the US left were largely positive:

“It’s good enough for me,” stated CPUSA chair John Bachtell. “I believe that COINTELPRO is a genuine and revolutionary part of the US left. As we all know, anyone who says anything in a vaguely left language who condemns the violence of the US’s enemies is justified no matter what. This has always been my position, and as long as I’m in charge, it will always be the CPUSA’s position as well.”

“While we don’t believe COINTELPRO’s claims of being socialist revolutionaries, they certainly have a point that everyone they fought domestically was either Stalinist by our very broad definition or in cahoots with Stalinists abroad.” stated a representative of Solidarity when reached for comment by Worker’s Spatula. “So we like their ideas, and we would be willing to work with them in the future.”

The ISO concurred: “Obviously, we are the only real socialists in the United States in the first place. But it’s true that if COINTELPRO’s earlier methods were used in the US today, there would be far less people sabotaging our work with the revolutionary Nusra Front to liberate Syria for inevitable socialist revolution. So you know… If they want to Fred Hampton a few of these Stalinists…”

The Revolutionary Organization of Labor, USA, released a statement in response to COINTELPRO’s statement and other statements released in response to COINTELPRO’s released statement, stating: “Nothing surprises us anymore. I hope our friends in ICOR understand now why it’s so hard getting revolutionary work done in the United States.”