COINTELPRO Releases Statement

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WASHINGTON D.C. – The clandestine organisation known as COINTELPRO released a statement yesterday, explaining its actions were necessary components of revolutionary struggle in the United States, meant to eliminate ultra-left forces which sought to divide the working class and misinform them about Marxism.

“Many have accused us of brutality against progressive forces in the United States. But let’s ask ourselves honestly: How progressive were these forces? The Black Panthers? Why, Hal Draper, the greatest American Marxist, said it best, when he attacked Stalinist Black nationalism as ‘Jim Crow in reverse’.”

“We wouldn’t want a bunch of Stalinist tankies running around, bringing back Jim Crow, but in reverse, now would we?”

“The Young Lords, American Indian Movement, Puerto Ricans, just in general… All the groups we targeted were trying to divide the working class on ‘racial’ lines, so who can take seriously the claim that we’re the rightists? We were destroying all the right-wing forces using left deviationism as a means of sowing confusion among socialists across the United States, and we spared all the real revolutionary forces, like our dear Trotskyist comrades, who you’ll note we didn’t kill even one of. You’re welcome, real revolutionaries!”

The statement also confirmed the allegations that COINTELPRO did cooperate with the US government in pursuit of its aims, “an idea we got from the book ‘the Spook Who Sat by the Door’.” This was “justified based on the objective conditions, unlike cooperation with any of the US’s enemies, like the Soviet Union, China, or Russia today.”

“Even if we made mistakes, at least we aren’t totalitarians or tankies. Everything we did, we did for socialism in the United States. Long live Marxism-Ebertism!”

Responses from the non-“tankie” components of the US left were largely positive:

“It’s good enough for me,” stated CPUSA chair John Bachtell. “I believe that COINTELPRO is a genuine and revolutionary part of the US left. As we all know, anyone who says anything in a vaguely left language who condemns the violence of the US’s enemies is justified no matter what. This has always been my position, and as long as I’m in charge, it will always be the CPUSA’s position as well.”

“While we don’t believe COINTELPRO’s claims of being socialist revolutionaries, they certainly have a point that everyone they fought domestically was either Stalinist by our very broad definition or in cahoots with Stalinists abroad.” stated a representative of Solidarity when reached for comment by Worker’s Spatula. “So we like their ideas, and we would be willing to work with them in the future.”

The ISO concurred: “Obviously, we are the only real socialists in the United States in the first place. But it’s true that if COINTELPRO’s earlier methods were used in the US today, there would be far less people sabotaging our work with the revolutionary Nusra Front to liberate Syria for inevitable socialist revolution. So you know… If they want to Fred Hampton a few of these Stalinists…”

The Revolutionary Organization of Labor, USA, released a statement in response to COINTELPRO’s statement and other statements released in response to COINTELPRO’s released statement, stating: “Nothing surprises us anymore. I hope our friends in ICOR understand now why it’s so hard getting revolutionary work done in the United States.”

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