Vatan Partisi Embraces Lindsay Lohan, Vows to Defeat Imperialism with Her Help


LONDON – Lindsay Lohan created some confusion and uproar when she shared a map of the contours of Turkey covered in the Turkish flag on Instagram. She added: “In order to understand your future you must know your past! 13 more years of Unity and Hope!!” As this came only two days before Turkey’s snap election that was forced by the unwillingness of President Erdoğan to accept the electoral defeat of his party and consequently his eagerness to start a mini-war for his own amusement in Kurdistan, Lohan’s strange share was widely seen as an endorsement of the AKP and Erdoğan, who have been in power for an ominous 13 years.

Lohan mostly caused disbelief and shock among her followers and non-followers and led many Kurds to wonder if there was another country on earth that had the same shape as Turkey and used the same flag, because the talk of 13 years of unity – or in fact unity at all – was intellectually inconceivable for them. When asked about his reaction, our friend Şahîn from Silvan stated: “How can the international community accept two countries with the same shape and flag? Is Turkey planning to sue this other country for copyright infringement? Because there’s obviously no way she means Turkey, right?” Heval Ed from Şırnak also expressed his surprise: “In what mahalle does she live?” He added with absolute conviction: “Clearly there is no YDG-H there and drug dealers can do their business unharmed.”

Despite the incredulous reaction from the Kurds, Lohan has also received some praise for her bold post. President Erdoğan held up Lohan as a role model that Turkish women should seek to emulate, if only she could cover herself, quit alcohol, drugs and smoking, and of course quit working so as to better serve her husband at home. “These are minor details that can be fixed, her political views are fantastic, however,” he concluded.

Prime Minister Davutoğlu, who recently called on AKP supporters who could not find a partner to ask him personally for help, enquired if he could place Lohan on his list of potential spouses for strapping young reactionary lads.

An even more enthusiastic endorsement came from the Vatan Partisi and their leader and winner of the not-exactly-coveted “most treasonous” award at the Commies nearly every year, Doğu Perinçek. A statement by Perinçek reads: “We greet our comrade Lindsay and we welcome her endorsement of the unity of the Turkish state against the separatist terrorists and the forces of imperialism which are their puppet masters. We have learnt that she is considering running for the US presidency in 2020, and we invite her to do so on the Vatan Partisi platform. The Vatan Partisi and its leader, the hero of the Turkish people, Doğu Perinçek – yes, correct, that’s me – will defeat US imperialism from within by winning the presidency with our comrade Lindsay. We have already succeeded in convincing the European Court of Human Rights that the Armenian Genocide was a lie, now is the time to finish Hollywood and its imperialism with the help of Lindsay Lohan.”

HDP co-chair and prominent figure of Adana’s Albanian community, Figen Yüksekdağ, responded by calling on Lindsay Lohan to “do some research, purchase a proper trouser suit, and unite with the democratic and progressive forces leading the oppressed and… oh who am I kidding? It’s Lindsay Lohan, for God’s sake.”

Lindsay Lohan was pleasantly surprised by all the positive reactions, however, she added that she did not feel to comfortable with everyday political work. “I mean, you know, it’s really not what I’m good at. Like, y’know, if they send me somewhere to campaign for the party, like Hakkari or Silver Lake or something… I’m not sure I could do that. Neither seem like a safe environment for me.” She added, however, that she could envision herself making testimonials for the Vatan Partisi. “And also, y’know, I would love to meet Perinçek. Apparently him and his followers have found a method to completely dissociate themselves from the real and material world without drugs… If they tell me their secret, that might be good for my health too, y’know.”

Following this exchange of statements President Erdoğan released another statement: “Oh, the Vatan Partisi claims her? Well, that’s alright, they are with us.”

Even “the Caliphate” issued a statement. A video surfaced on the internet in which an ISIS spokesperson going by the name Murat al-Adiyamanli addressed Lohan. “If she ever has an interest, we will always welcome her with open arms. I mean, clearly, she is not living a proper Islamic lifestyle, but then, who among us is? The important thing is her fierce opposition to the atheist communist PKK animals, we will work the religion thing out somehow or other.”

President Erdoğan used his seemingly unending screen time to address the ISIS video as well: “Oh, ISIS wants her now? Well, again, no problem, we are cool with them too.”


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