Jeremy Corbyn Declares the Guardian “Revisionists”

StalinCorbyn

LONDON – Following Jonathon Freedland’s opinion piece claiming that Jeremy Corbyn’s “old new” Labour party was “alienating” the victims of austerity and pushing them closer to the Tories, Jeremy Corbyn has emerged from his Islington bunker to issue a statement against the Guardian, flanked by representatives of various other ICOR parties, including a masked woman from the MLKP in Turkey and a young man from the PC(AP) in Chile with long hippie hair.

“Revisionists!” bellowed Corbyn before pausing to take a drag on a thick Cuban cigar. “Revisionists are in charge of the Guardian! They continue to sabotage the Party of Labour under the guise of friendly criticism! But principled criticism comes from our comrades who are embedded among the revolutionary masses, not petty bourgeois Red Tories who sneer at us because we represent the iron will of the working peoples of Britain!”

“We have long tolerated the large numbers of the revisionists at the Guardian and protected them from the wrath of the masses, but this time has come to an end! Our few friends at the Guardian, who continue to uphold the correct Marxist-Leninist line, like Seamus Milne, are expected to tender their resignation at once! All of the forces we control must take an immediate stand against the Guardian and its Khrushchevite revisionism, and henceforth get all their news from an ICOR-approved source, like Worker’s Spatula.”

“Worker’s Spatula is the only news source reporting on Britain as it actually is, unclouded by bourgeois distortions, fiercely committed to upholding the correct line of Marxism-Leninism! In particular, they have supported our campaign to arm John McDonnell, so that he might lead a battalion in Rojava to defend the revolution alongside other anti-revisionist comrades from around the world and the heroic Kurdish national resistance!”

At this juncture, the crowd which had formed in front of Corbyn’s Islington bunker erupted into a spontaneous chant of “ARM JOHN MCDONNELL NOW! ARM JOHN MCDONNELL NOW!”

By nightfall, mobs began sweeping cities around the UK seeking out any newsstands still selling the hated revisionist rag, the Guardian, so as to destroy them all in bonfires. By the next morning, graffiti could be seen on nearly every street in Sheffield with slogans such as “Jezza, Labour, Victory!”, “Combat lib-dem-ism!”, “Die Tory scum!”, and of course “Be impolite to Trots.”

In today’s edition of the Guardian, Owen Jones has reportedly released an opinion piece condemning himself for writing for the Guardian and calling on all Corbyn-supporters to not read his piece, which he himself denies having read during the writing process.

Advertisements

David Cameron “Relieved” Over Hostage Video – Footage Shows Top British Journalist Only Being Ransomed by Moderates

forreasons

LONDON–Prime Minister David Cameron expressed his “relief” Sunday after a hostage video revealed that his former policy adviser had only been kidnapped by a moderate Sunni militia in the north of Syria.

Andrew Barnes, 47, was carrying out interviews on the Turkish-Syrian border for Sky News on Friday when he was reportedly seized by Al-Almani rebels, bundled into a van, and taken to a safe house near Aleppo.

“I’m very relieved, I think we all are,” Cameron said upon watching footage of the moderates slicing off part of Barnes’ ear. “There was a very real fear in my mind that Andrew had been kidnapped by someone less than moderate.”

The Al-Almani brigade – named in honour of Arthur Schopenhauer, whom the fighters say they admire for his cynicism towards extreme Kantian idealism – has attracted increasing attention in recent months as a possible partner for western governments.

The British foreign office recently included them on a list of 158 different groups comprising over 70,000 fighters it believed were moderate enough to install in power in Syria.

“If I had to characterise what Al-Almani stands for in one phrase, it would be ‘cynicism towards metanarratives’,” group leader Rasool Hassan claims on the four-minute video uploaded to YouTube on Saturday night.

“We reject the extremism of the Wahhabis, the dictatorial Assad government and the unspeakable John Galt Liberation Movement,” he added, before noting that Barnes would be beheaded if a US$2 million was not delivered to the group within 5 business days.

Much of the rest of the video is taken up by Hassan’s personal thoughts on Isaiah Berlin’s theory of value pluralism.

“If we’re going to support a group within Syria, they’re going to have to be moderate,” Cameron had said at a press conference Friday before news of Barnes’ disappearance had emerged.

“If they’re moderate and vicious, so much the better.”

“All white males shooting at black people are actually Assata Shakur” Claims US State Department

Cameroon

WASHINGTON D.C.– Following news that the AKP government is acting like it has the cojones to fuck with Putin, a move clearly modelled off of years of US posturing vis-à-vis the PRC and North Korea, the US State Department will henceforth be modelling its crisis management style off of the AKP’s, it was announced.

“I think it’s pretty naïve to think that white supremacist males would actually shoot at black people in these United States,” said Jen Psaki, the 21-year-old born in 1978, as she clicked tasbih prayer beads beneath the podium at a press conference with regard to a recent shooting at Black Lives Matter protesters in Minneapolis.

“We are all brothers in Christianity in this country, and racism is not a problem, thanks to our heroic leader Abraham Atamerican.”

“I think you will find that just like in Charleston, this was actually the work of the sole member of the BLA who is still at large, Assata Shakur. We condemn the Iranian regime for this. That will be all.”

The Turkish Foreign Ministry released a statement of solidarity with the US government. “Sounds legitimate. We’re glad the United States has begun to understand now how serious the threat of bölücü foreign-funded sünnetsiz terrorist örgütler from well-off minorities like the Kurds or Afro-Americans is. They attack their own people to gain public sympathy, which doesn’t worry us because they don’t have any public sympathy. But it’s still disgusting.”

“But just a correction, for Ms. Pseki, we know you can’t help make mistakes, what with your gender handicap and all, but we have men in Tahren investigating these incidents who speak FLUENT Arabic, and we can assure you that Iran, while obviously evil and suspiciously affectionate towards Ali, is not the real dark hand behind all the problems in our countries. It is definitely Assad, who is oppressing the democratic will of the Syrian people represented by ISIS and el-Qeade, who is behind the deaths of our Negro brothers in Islam, like Sendre Blend, as well as our Kurdish brothers in Islam, like Tehir Alçı, and our Armenian brothers in Islam, like Hrent Dink.”

An AKP-dialect Turkish to Actual Turkish to English translator was procured, at which point Jen Psaki was able to state that she agreed.

Ever on the avant-garde of providing insightful responses to current events, MLPD chair, ICOR organiser, and body double for Tarkan in several of his bellydancing-filled music videos, Stefan Engel, responded thus: “The bourgeois states can lie all they want about the murders they commit. In fact, I find it somewhat comforting. They’re ‘fighting ISIS’ while they’re ‘not shooting Tahir Elçi’. I’m just glad we can get back to talking about Kurds again. ICOR is the closest thing to a functioning international communist organisation which has taken a correct stance on the Kurdish nation, which is every day struggling for its liberation against all odds. We salute them and stand in solidarity with them.”

“No joke at the end this time. Support the Kurdish struggle.”

Andrew Falkous Joins NCP

falco

CARDIFF – Andrew “Falco” Falkous, frontman of the now defunct band McLusky and his current band, Future of the Left, has announced his unconditional and unironic support for the NCP.

“The New Communist Party of Britain is the REAL future of the British left. Ever since Jeremy Corbyn became the chairman of the Party of Labour, Britain’s ICOR affiliate, I’ve been considering entering party politics. But like many of us, in spite of my emotional support for Corbyn, I had questions about the long-term potential for building socialism in Britain with only Labour as a tool. We can’t ignore the danger still represented by the PLP. Obviously I uphold Lenin’s line that entry into the Labour is the first step, so long as Labour is not obsolete for the masses, but how? When Corbyn announced that communists and, separately, Trotskyites, are welcome within his incarnation of the Party of Labour, I started investigating various groups that could potentially seize on this opportunity. Having read New Worker to a considerable extent, I can now say with confidence that the New Communist Party of Britain is the group the proletariat needs. These are comrades who understand me, and understand the peoples of Britain, and understand what is to be done.” Falkous recited into his microphone at a recent show in Cardiff, while the drummer, Jack Egglestone, hammered out a tense, high-tempo paradiddle on his hi-hat.

“Yeah!” he added, over a distorted power chord played on his guitar.

The news is no surprise, as the trend towards supporting the New Communist Party of Britain is spreading rapidly among sardonic, opinionated, left-leaning British celebrities. Just last week, speculations abounded that an opinion piece in New Worker about Jeremy Corbyn penned by one “Christopher Morris” was the Chris Morris of Day Today and Brass Eye fame. Several weeks prior, Bridget Christie and Stewart Lee were seen selling copies of “the New Worker” on the street.

A Worker’s Spatula correspondent sat down with the two Andys (Brooks and Falkous) for a joint interview:

WS: Aren’t you some sort of anarchist? Didn’t you say something about not wanting to be involved in any party or ideology or something to that effect?

AF: I wouldn’t expect foreigners to understand the singularly British art of sarcasm. What are you anyway? French?

WS: German.

AF: Well, unfortunately, we don’t have any snide comments we make about the Germans in Britain. Just the French.

WS: Well, that’s good.

AB: No, see, he was doing it again.

WS: Doing what?

AB: The sarcasm.

WS: I see. So, Mr. Brooks, do you think Falco and his work with Future of the Left can be beneficial to your party’s work?

AB: Certainly. We’re planning on taking him round to the Laotian embassy for a highly publicised dinner event. Young British people love Laotian dignitaries almost as much as they love acerbic wit delivered over post-hardcore. So that’s sure to drum up interest in our party.

AF: I’ve already been preparing. I understand Laos has a complicated relationship with Thailand, as do I, so there’s some common ground there.

AB: And then, you know, benefit concerts and that.

AF: Yeah, we could play “Arming Eritrea”, and I’ve been working on a version of “Sheena Is A T-Shirt Salesman” called “Sheena Is A Newspaper Salesman”. It’s about Trots and how they annoy everybody by selling their newspapers.

AB: We also sell newspapers, you know.

AF: Oh.

WS: Breaking this up a bit, Mr. Brooks, are you familiar with Falco’s music?

AB: Oh yeah, I know, erm… what’s the one where you scream a lot?

AF: …

AB: It’s a fast one.

AF: …

AB: ARE YOU COMING? ARE YOU COMING? ARE YOU COMING?

AF: Ah, yes. That’d be “Lightsabre Cocksucking Blues”.

AB: Good lord.

AF: Yeah. It’s about fellatio. Most of my songs are about some sort of interaction with the phallus.

AB: It may be time for another purge.

WS: On that subject, I’d like to ask you both, if you were Jeremy Corbyn, who would you purge from the Labour Party first?

AB: I don’t understand why Corbyn hasn’t already purged all the Trots. They’re wreckers, you see. They intend to wreck.

AF: Wreckers, for sure. I’d purge the revisionists, and the Metallica fans. Most Metallica fans are some manner of revisionist, anyway.

WS: Excellent talking to you both. Any final words?

AF: Arm John McDonnell now.

AB: All power to the soviets.

Photo callously stolen from tinnitus-photography.com

“Marx was an anarchist!” Declares Anarchist Who Has Never Read Marx

marxanarchists

LONDON – SOAS student and anarchist Rhys Davies emerged shaken from a debate with classmate and CPGB-ML member Michelle O’hanrahan over the historical personage of Joseph Stalin.

“She wanted me to come to a Stalin Society meeting. Why don’t I just go to a Hitler Society meeting?”

“The thing that bothers me most is, it’s pretty clear Marx was an anarchist just from what Marxists themselves say. They all say communism is a stateless society. Therefore, all communists who ever established states were bad Marxists.” Davies informed us, ignoring the well-known polemics between Marx and contemporary anarchists.

“It’s not that I’m trying to convert them to anarchism or anything, it’s just that communism’s real spirit is anarchist. They know the state is bad, and they keep talking about overthrowing it, but then they want to a establish a NEW state? What would the difference be? I assume nothing.”

“And all those socialist states were dictatorships. Would Marx have ever defended a dictatorship? I don’t think so. But the way the Soviet Union was run was, there was a single, all-powerful leader in charge who made everyone do what he wanted and everyone secretly hated him but went along with it.”

“Unlike in capitalism, where at least I’m free to openly call for the overthrow of the state, as bad as it is.”

“Anyway, the thing I don’t understand is, whether CPGB-ML or the Trotskyists, they all like Lenin. So I guess Lenin is where Marx’s anarchists teachings first got perverted. But unlike Stalin, who was illiterate, I presume he read Marx. So he must’ve understood that all states are bad. I heard a quote from ‘the State and Revolution’ where he says ‘While the state exists there is no freedom. When there is freedom, there will be no state’.”

“It’s a brilliant quote, so why did he establish the Soviet Union?”

“Maybe one day I’ll read ‘the State and Revolution’ and figure it out.”

Sanders Fans in Shock: SEIU Endorses Clinton

SEIU

WASHINGTON D.C. – Fans of the self-declared “socialist” and “independent” Democratic “candidate” for the 2016 U.S. presidential election, Bernie Sanders, have reacted with shock to the news that the SEIU is endorsing Hillary Clinton for Democratic candidate.

“But, but the SEIU is radical! As radical as Bernie Sanders! And Bernie Sanders wouldn’t endorse Hillary, would he?” said Samuel Horovitz, a member of the CPUSA and part-time communist from Berkeley, California.

Jennifer Payton, a “democratic socialist” and barista from Colorado, agreed: “I don’t understand. Unions are supposed to be socialist, and Bernie Sanders is socialist, and Hillary’s not a socialist.”

Reports of the SEIU’s endorsement have dealt quite a blow to the momentum of the “political revolution” sparked by Bernie Sanders’s declaration “candidacy” for president in 2016. Although Sanders intention is obviously to endorse Clinton himself and provide a “left” excuse for supporting the Democratic Party, his own cult of personality may have gotten out of hand. If he is not declared the vice presidential candidate under Clinton, many Sandernistas have threatened public self-immolation.

“Give us Bernie or give us death!” chanted a group of undergraduate students marching in front of an SEIU office in Manhattan. “Give us Bernie or give us death!”

Analysts initially mostly stated that given that Bernie Sanders was “honest” because unions supported him more than Clinton, now that the exemplary “honest” union organisation of SEIU has endorsed Clinton, Sanders had ceased to be honest and there was no reason to put faith in the 2016 presidential election.

However, many US social democrats, being naïve children (as is natural for Americans and social democrats alike), refused to accept such a bleak assessment of the campaign out of which they had come to expect “political revolution”, and some analysts have since come forward stating that the SEIU is still honest, just like Bernie Sanders, it’s just that Hillary Clinton is MORE honest, and in all likelihood more socialist than her possible running mate, Sanders.

“She’s a feminist, you know.”

Sectarian Disputes within Turkish Trotskyism: AKP State to Prosecute Tariq Ali

erdogan

ANKARA – Turkish courts have made the decision to prosecute Onur Erem after Erem published an interview with well-known international Trotskyist commentator Tariq Ali after Ali called Erdoğan a “tin-pot dictator”. Future investigation of Ali is possible, but clearly the importance of this case lies not in the legal questions, but in the power struggle within Turkish Trotskyism.

Assessments of the situation from the various sides of this struggle were ready at hand. Erdoğan himself mentioned the case of Tariq Ali at the G-20 meeting in Antalya. In his speech Erdogan suggested that the recent terror in Europe was a result of “capitalism’s greed” and proceeded to denounce Ali as a traitor to permanent revolution. He said: “Look at this person. What does he want? Who does he think he is? Look at the world situation today. Mursi and I were carrying the flag of permanent revolution together, but now Mursi has been brought down by the Stalinist Sisi. Yes, Sisi! Yes, so I am the last one standing, surrounded by enemies.

“I thought Ali was on our side in this. After all, he is a Muslim, and therefore a Turk. We are both Turkish Trotskyists and therefore naturally comrades and brothers. But clearly, his class background as the son of a rich Pakistani family led him to betray our movement.” The chairman of Turkey’s biggest holding by far, Ali Koç, rushed to the assistance of his leader: “Capitalism creates poverty and terror. It has to go. Degenerate bourgeois like Tariq Ali will go down together with capitalism.”

Reactions within Turkey were mixed. Turkish IST affiliate DSİP issued a statement saying: “We understand that Ali is not a supporter of our sister party in the UK, the SWP, which already makes him suspect. However, we did not think he would go as far as denouncing our president as a dictator, which would put him in the same category as Stalin and therefore completely unacceptable. We call on Ali to renounce his statement. If he does, we hope that our president will reconsider his intentions, as the movement for permanent revolution should not be split in such dire times.“

A protest note came from the HDK in a joint statement: “Seriously? We say things much worse on a daily basis, providing a much deeper understanding of the AKP regime. Why give such importance to Tariq Ali? By this standard, thousands, if not millions of members of the various organisations which make up the HDK should’ve been arrested in the past few months.”

A short message to Ali was sent from the KCK in the Qandil Mountains: “Heval Tariq, please ignore all the slander and attacks. We wouldn’t have gotten anywhere if we had listened to the naysaying of our enemies. We see that you are serious, so we invite you to join our ranks to take up the armed struggle. We leave it up to you whether you would prefer to fight against ISIS or the Turkish state.”

One of the first international reactions came from Alexis Tsipras, a columnist for a pro-AKP newspaper who splits his free time between his hobbies of being Prime Minister of Greece and being the chief critic of the Prime Minister of Greece: “I really think this is not the time for this. As I recently wrote in one of my columns, we have to cooperate on the central issues of our time. I would be willing to mediate between the two camps. I recommend as a compromise that Erdoğan will condemn his own policies, while Tariq Ali will come to Turkey and encourage Turkish citizens to vote for the AKP.”

Tsipras Calls on Greek Masses to Rise Up Against Him

tsiprassyriza

ATHENS – Greek prime minister and four-time European Governmental Head Cheese-Eating Champion Alexis Tsipras today called on the people of Greece to rise up against the “corrupt and incompetent Tsipras government”.

“We in Syriza stand with the people. The people, and the people alone, are the motive force in the making of world history. The protests, strikes, and riots across the country make clear that the people totally reject the austerity policies implemented by the EU and its puppet government in Athens, which is to say us.”

“Syriza should’ve never surrendered to the neoliberal blackmail and accepted the terms of the third international bailout. That traitor Tsipras must be held accountable!” Tsipras concluded.

Later in the day, while Tsipras was in a meeting with European creditors, Worker’s Spatula correspondents in Athens roamed the streets seeking opinions. It wasn’t long before they came across representatives of the KKE and Popular Unity.

“We always opposed Syriza, but we also always opposed any strikes or protests that weren’t organised by us, so we’re not actually sure how to respond to this.” a protesting KKE member said, chanting softly in an alleyway so as to not be confused with the rioters on the main street throwing petrol bombs at a bank. “Anyway, the revolution will come as soon as the Greek people vote us into power. Any day now.”

“This was quite a shocking development, honestly.” said a member of Popular Unity as she was handcuffed by the police. “We left Syriza because they didn’t support things like this, so now we’re thinking of rejoining Syriza, although they’re the government that we’re protesting against. I’m sure nobody outside of Greece knows what we Greeks are up to, but frankly neither do we. I’m just riding it out at this point. Something’s gonna happen, somewhow.”

From Germany, response was predictable. Die Linke condemned the “adventurism” of the Syriza government and called on them to take part in “principled” struggle, “ideally in the form of a politely worded editorial for junge Welt”. Meanwhile, MLPD chair Stefan Engel responded by saying “I’m sure the KOE know what they’re doing. Resistance and that.”

“Can we talk about Kurds again? I know what’s going on there at least.”

Edgy Anarchist Shocked at Racism of Friends

captainedge

QUEENS, NEW YORK – Local anarchist John Phillips was shocked by the “racist” and “imperialist” reaction of his Facebook friends to his addition of an ISIS flag to his Facebook profile picture in a bid to show solidarity with the victims of the bombing of Raqqah.

“I mean, I’m against all states anyway, but clearly other anarchists and communists have agreed that they support the symbols of the French state as the only possible means of showing that you’re sad about dead people in Paris. And I personally am just as sad about the dead in Raqqah. Fuck that, man, I’m sadder. Frankly, if you don’t have an ISIS flag on your profile, I think you only care about white lives.”

Among the “racists” who have responded negatively to his display is an Algerian Facebook friend of his studying in Paris, Imène Hannachi.

“Obviously I agree with John that if I were to die in an attack by ISIS here in Paris it would be a great blow against racism and imperialism and capitalism, because anything that shocks French public opinion must be those things, but we don’t have to display the ISIS flag because of that.”

Phillips responded “Sorry to hear that you don’t care about non-European life, racist.”

Worker’s Spatula correspondents in New York reached Phillips to ask him questions about his controversial stance, particularly why, with all the death in Syria, he felt the need to show solidarity with the people of Raqqah in particular:

“Well why would I care about those other Syrians? I mean, yes, they’re non-Europeans in theory, but the Syrian regime is allied with Russia, and they’re white. POC power, man.” said the middle class white man who had never been outside of the United States.

“And the PYD? Fuckin’ Kurds man. We anarchists tried our hardest to show our solidarity with them, but then they had to ban polygamy. Why? Just so you can enforce SOCIETY’S idea of what a relationship should look like. Love knows no bounds. ISIS understands this, and they don’t impose ideas like monogamy on the people of Raqqah.

But the fucking racist, sexist, capitalist French would love it if the Kurds invaded Raqqah and imposed Eurocentric monogamy on them. It makes me sick.”

News in Brief: November 10th 2015

junglefighting

LISBON – Apparently the Portuguese Left has decided to remind the rest of Europe that Portugal exists. Most European leftists responded with shock when they learnt that Podemos was not involved in the as yet unanalysed Lusophone shenanigans. The dastardly Portuguese are up to something, but it is not clear what exactly. ICOR coordinator and known Iberophile Stefan Engel responded to the murky developments in the quasi-country, saying “It makes me wish we had a Portuguese ICOR affiliate, so we could ask them what was up. But we never thought to enquire into possible Portuguese affiliates, because they were all hiding down there, below Spain, where nobody ever looks.”

LONDON – The greatest Greek philosopher since Plato and the sexiest Greek since Alcibiades, Yanis Varoufakis, and the best Yugoslav Stalin-pretender since Tito, Slavoj Žižek, have announced their discussion-based eventoid “Europe is Kaputt. Long live Europe!”, in which they will discuss, nay, DECIDE the future of Europe. Inside sources hint that Žižek will agree with Varoufakis on some banal point before launching into a tangent, and, at another point, “quote someone with whom… [he disagrees] entirely”.

THE JUNGLES OF SOUTHERN THAILAND – In response to a Malaysian government proposal to mandate separate supermarket trolleys for Halal and non-Halal food products, ex-guerrillas of the Communist Party of Malaya called a press conference in a village near the border: “It didn’t start here, and it won’t end here. I think we all know where this is going. Your children are going to be growing up in a Malay-speaking version of Saudi Arabia. Don’t like it? Well, you had your chance, Malaysia. I bet a lot of you wish we had won now, huh? Well, now we don’t have any guns, and you’re stuck with your garbage state. We’re never coming home, so we don’t have to worry about any of that.” When our Worker’s Spatula correspondent in Thailand pointed out that Thailand was looking pretty hopeless itself, the once-upon-a-time rebels curtly informed all present that the conference was over.

SOMEWHERE IN GODDAMN ONTARIO – Jason Unruhe is now accusing people of “wrecking”. He has yet to respond to Worker’s Spatula’s e-mailed enquiry into how anyone can wreck the LLCO, an organisation which appears to consist only of himself and “Comrade Prairie Fire”. Hopefully nothing has come between the two of them, and the entire editorial and writing staff of Worker’s Spatula wishes them nothing but the best.