Do-Nothing Marxist-Leninist Party Reads Worker’s Spatula


SEATTLE, WASHINGTON – Worker’s Spatula, the most revolutionary publication the world over, enjoys popularity unparallelled by any newspaper, website, or newsletter on the Marxist left. From small protests in New York to massive riots in Şırnak to the front of the people’s war in India, Worker’s Spatula is the name that is on every revolutionary’s lips.

So popular is Worker’s Spatula that some parties have even begun to incorporate insights gleaned from the paper into their theoretical study. One such example is the Revolutionary Communist Party of Cascadia, which has added the entirety of Worker’s Spatula’s output to their required reading for members.

“What we enjoy most about Worker’s Spatula is that not only do they share our correct analysis of international politics, but they make fun of all the parties around us who are actually doing shit,” explained ‘Comrade Lucy’, who agreed to be interviewed by us as she changed the RCPC’s Facebook page cover photo from a photo of Mao to one of Pol Pot. “Socialist Alternative, RCPUSA, and some foreign parties we pretend to know shit about, it’s good to see all these parties with some vague connection to everyday politics in their social context lampooned. Frankly, it’s all I read anymore.”

Her Comrade, Dawn ‘Red Dawn’ Wilson, agreed: “Worker’s Spatula gets it, everyone on the left today is basically liberal, and nobody spends enough time defending Stalin, Che, Mao, Jiang Qing, Enver Hoxha, Thomas Sankara, Ho Chi Min, Pol Pot, and North Korea. Defending these dead leaders is much more important than having actual praxis, because any praxis not built upon a solid foundation in anti-revisionism is doomed to failure.”

“Uphold the correct line.”

As the two sat in their party headquarters (the corner table of the cafeteria at Seattle University), exchanging hilarious anti-revisionist memes, we enquired if we could speak to other members of the party.

“Oh for sure,” said ‘Comrade Lucy’. “Our street team, which is to say, Comrade Steve, is usually at the food cart on the corner, handing out our pamphlet, Cascadian Partisan.”

‘Comrade Steve’ was happy to see us, and handed us a copy of Cascadian Partisan, which did indeed contain a quote from a Worker’s Spatula article lampooning Socialist Alternative.

“We hate Socialist Alternative, they’re such opportunists and reformists,” explained ‘Comrade Steve’, as he flicked his cigarette butt on the ground and stepped back on the curb to discuss the finer points of theory, and also to order a plate of halal street meat. “They don’t even uphold the right to self-determination for the Cascadian nation.”

“Cascadia is a nation on the grounds that we think it’d be pretty cool if we seceded from the US. We’d have like, a red base right here in North America. We’d be able to dismantle capitalism by building agrarian communes and shit, like in Cambodia. We’d call it ‘the People’s Democratic Republic of Cascadia’, and our flag would be a black hammer/sickle/Kalashnikov symbol on a red background. Pretty sick, right?”

“You guys should do something about that. Like a piece where you call Socialist Alternative COINTELPRO agents because they’re not helping to raise national consciousness among the Cascadian people.”

“If Socialist Alternative was really serious about revolution, Kshama Sawant would help fight to change the gun laws in Washington so that people 18 and older could purchase a rifle. I’ve saved up, but I’m still waiting until I turn 21.”

“Fuckin’ Trotskyites. They’re good for nothing,” he concluded.

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