Andrew Falkous Joins NCP

falco

CARDIFF – Andrew “Falco” Falkous, frontman of the now defunct band McLusky and his current band, Future of the Left, has announced his unconditional and unironic support for the NCP.

“The New Communist Party of Britain is the REAL future of the British left. Ever since Jeremy Corbyn became the chairman of the Party of Labour, Britain’s ICOR affiliate, I’ve been considering entering party politics. But like many of us, in spite of my emotional support for Corbyn, I had questions about the long-term potential for building socialism in Britain with only Labour as a tool. We can’t ignore the danger still represented by the PLP. Obviously I uphold Lenin’s line that entry into the Labour is the first step, so long as Labour is not obsolete for the masses, but how? When Corbyn announced that communists and, separately, Trotskyites, are welcome within his incarnation of the Party of Labour, I started investigating various groups that could potentially seize on this opportunity. Having read New Worker to a considerable extent, I can now say with confidence that the New Communist Party of Britain is the group the proletariat needs. These are comrades who understand me, and understand the peoples of Britain, and understand what is to be done.” Falkous recited into his microphone at a recent show in Cardiff, while the drummer, Jack Egglestone, hammered out a tense, high-tempo paradiddle on his hi-hat.

“Yeah!” he added, over a distorted power chord played on his guitar.

The news is no surprise, as the trend towards supporting the New Communist Party of Britain is spreading rapidly among sardonic, opinionated, left-leaning British celebrities. Just last week, speculations abounded that an opinion piece in New Worker about Jeremy Corbyn penned by one “Christopher Morris” was the Chris Morris of Day Today and Brass Eye fame. Several weeks prior, Bridget Christie and Stewart Lee were seen selling copies of “the New Worker” on the street.

A Worker’s Spatula correspondent sat down with the two Andys (Brooks and Falkous) for a joint interview:

WS: Aren’t you some sort of anarchist? Didn’t you say something about not wanting to be involved in any party or ideology or something to that effect?

AF: I wouldn’t expect foreigners to understand the singularly British art of sarcasm. What are you anyway? French?

WS: German.

AF: Well, unfortunately, we don’t have any snide comments we make about the Germans in Britain. Just the French.

WS: Well, that’s good.

AB: No, see, he was doing it again.

WS: Doing what?

AB: The sarcasm.

WS: I see. So, Mr. Brooks, do you think Falco and his work with Future of the Left can be beneficial to your party’s work?

AB: Certainly. We’re planning on taking him round to the Laotian embassy for a highly publicised dinner event. Young British people love Laotian dignitaries almost as much as they love acerbic wit delivered over post-hardcore. So that’s sure to drum up interest in our party.

AF: I’ve already been preparing. I understand Laos has a complicated relationship with Thailand, as do I, so there’s some common ground there.

AB: And then, you know, benefit concerts and that.

AF: Yeah, we could play “Arming Eritrea”, and I’ve been working on a version of “Sheena Is A T-Shirt Salesman” called “Sheena Is A Newspaper Salesman”. It’s about Trots and how they annoy everybody by selling their newspapers.

AB: We also sell newspapers, you know.

AF: Oh.

WS: Breaking this up a bit, Mr. Brooks, are you familiar with Falco’s music?

AB: Oh yeah, I know, erm… what’s the one where you scream a lot?

AF: …

AB: It’s a fast one.

AF: …

AB: ARE YOU COMING? ARE YOU COMING? ARE YOU COMING?

AF: Ah, yes. That’d be “Lightsabre Cocksucking Blues”.

AB: Good lord.

AF: Yeah. It’s about fellatio. Most of my songs are about some sort of interaction with the phallus.

AB: It may be time for another purge.

WS: On that subject, I’d like to ask you both, if you were Jeremy Corbyn, who would you purge from the Labour Party first?

AB: I don’t understand why Corbyn hasn’t already purged all the Trots. They’re wreckers, you see. They intend to wreck.

AF: Wreckers, for sure. I’d purge the revisionists, and the Metallica fans. Most Metallica fans are some manner of revisionist, anyway.

WS: Excellent talking to you both. Any final words?

AF: Arm John McDonnell now.

AB: All power to the soviets.

Photo callously stolen from tinnitus-photography.com

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