“All white males shooting at black people are actually Assata Shakur” Claims US State Department

Cameroon

WASHINGTON D.C.– Following news that the AKP government is acting like it has the cojones to fuck with Putin, a move clearly modelled off of years of US posturing vis-à-vis the PRC and North Korea, the US State Department will henceforth be modelling its crisis management style off of the AKP’s, it was announced.

“I think it’s pretty naïve to think that white supremacist males would actually shoot at black people in these United States,” said Jen Psaki, the 21-year-old born in 1978, as she clicked tasbih prayer beads beneath the podium at a press conference with regard to a recent shooting at Black Lives Matter protesters in Minneapolis.

“We are all brothers in Christianity in this country, and racism is not a problem, thanks to our heroic leader Abraham Atamerican.”

“I think you will find that just like in Charleston, this was actually the work of the sole member of the BLA who is still at large, Assata Shakur. We condemn the Iranian regime for this. That will be all.”

The Turkish Foreign Ministry released a statement of solidarity with the US government. “Sounds legitimate. We’re glad the United States has begun to understand now how serious the threat of bölücü foreign-funded sünnetsiz terrorist örgütler from well-off minorities like the Kurds or Afro-Americans is. They attack their own people to gain public sympathy, which doesn’t worry us because they don’t have any public sympathy. But it’s still disgusting.”

“But just a correction, for Ms. Pseki, we know you can’t help make mistakes, what with your gender handicap and all, but we have men in Tahren investigating these incidents who speak FLUENT Arabic, and we can assure you that Iran, while obviously evil and suspiciously affectionate towards Ali, is not the real dark hand behind all the problems in our countries. It is definitely Assad, who is oppressing the democratic will of the Syrian people represented by ISIS and el-Qeade, who is behind the deaths of our Negro brothers in Islam, like Sendre Blend, as well as our Kurdish brothers in Islam, like Tehir Alçı, and our Armenian brothers in Islam, like Hrent Dink.”

An AKP-dialect Turkish to Actual Turkish to English translator was procured, at which point Jen Psaki was able to state that she agreed.

Ever on the avant-garde of providing insightful responses to current events, MLPD chair, ICOR organiser, and body double for Tarkan in several of his bellydancing-filled music videos, Stefan Engel, responded thus: “The bourgeois states can lie all they want about the murders they commit. In fact, I find it somewhat comforting. They’re ‘fighting ISIS’ while they’re ‘not shooting Tahir Elçi’. I’m just glad we can get back to talking about Kurds again. ICOR is the closest thing to a functioning international communist organisation which has taken a correct stance on the Kurdish nation, which is every day struggling for its liberation against all odds. We salute them and stand in solidarity with them.”

“No joke at the end this time. Support the Kurdish struggle.”

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