Jeremy Corbyn Declares the Guardian “Revisionists”


LONDON – Following Jonathon Freedland’s opinion piece claiming that Jeremy Corbyn’s “old new” Labour party was “alienating” the victims of austerity and pushing them closer to the Tories, Jeremy Corbyn has emerged from his Islington bunker to issue a statement against the Guardian, flanked by representatives of various other ICOR parties, including a masked woman from the MLKP in Turkey and a young man from the PC(AP) in Chile with long hippie hair.

“Revisionists!” bellowed Corbyn before pausing to take a drag on a thick Cuban cigar. “Revisionists are in charge of the Guardian! They continue to sabotage the Party of Labour under the guise of friendly criticism! But principled criticism comes from our comrades who are embedded among the revolutionary masses, not petty bourgeois Red Tories who sneer at us because we represent the iron will of the working peoples of Britain!”

“We have long tolerated the large numbers of the revisionists at the Guardian and protected them from the wrath of the masses, but this time has come to an end! Our few friends at the Guardian, who continue to uphold the correct Marxist-Leninist line, like Seamus Milne, are expected to tender their resignation at once! All of the forces we control must take an immediate stand against the Guardian and its Khrushchevite revisionism, and henceforth get all their news from an ICOR-approved source, like Worker’s Spatula.”

“Worker’s Spatula is the only news source reporting on Britain as it actually is, unclouded by bourgeois distortions, fiercely committed to upholding the correct line of Marxism-Leninism! In particular, they have supported our campaign to arm John McDonnell, so that he might lead a battalion in Rojava to defend the revolution alongside other anti-revisionist comrades from around the world and the heroic Kurdish national resistance!”

At this juncture, the crowd which had formed in front of Corbyn’s Islington bunker erupted into a spontaneous chant of “ARM JOHN MCDONNELL NOW! ARM JOHN MCDONNELL NOW!”

By nightfall, mobs began sweeping cities around the UK seeking out any newsstands still selling the hated revisionist rag, the Guardian, so as to destroy them all in bonfires. By the next morning, graffiti could be seen on nearly every street in Sheffield with slogans such as “Jezza, Labour, Victory!”, “Combat lib-dem-ism!”, “Die Tory scum!”, and of course “Be impolite to Trots.”

In today’s edition of the Guardian, Owen Jones has reportedly released an opinion piece condemning himself for writing for the Guardian and calling on all Corbyn-supporters to not read his piece, which he himself denies having read during the writing process.

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