Britain Proposed “Lord Protector” Model for Syria


LONDON – Leaked documents from the recent Vienna talks on the future of Syria have shown British negotiators pushed for a radical solution to the conflict.

The files, posted on Wikileaks early Monday, appear to show that Britain had sought answers to Syria’s civil war by looking into its own history.

“What is clearly needed, as shown by recent and historical civil wars, is some form of ‘Lord Protector’ to emerge,” one speech reads.

“We put it to this conference that we should support a leader with strong religious values, support from all classes of society, and who is willing to act nationally and internationally for the good of his people.”

The recourse to history is no new innovation. British diplomats worldwide have long advocated the Northern Ireland solution to the Kurdish issue in Turkey, saying that they believe it is the only way that Protestant and Catholic Kurds will be able to get along in peace.

Similarly, Britain has long been in talks to help democratise Myanmar, though these recently stalled after the King of Holland refused to take part in a plan to take over the country.

The formal diplomatic proposals are accompanied by a series of cryptic margin notes.

Those on one page read as follows: “Execute King, Invade Ireland, Extreme Religion, Defeat Moderates, Ban Christmas.”

However, the delegation’s ultimate proposal appears never to have been made, presumably after the mood of the talks turned against it.

“Hence we propose that this conference do everything possible to support Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi,” the hastily scribbled-out final conclusion reads.

In its place, the delegation had quickly come up with a paragraph about backing Syria’s “moderates”, with a circled note reading “politically correct bullshit”.

Defence Minister Michael Fallon was barely able to conceal his disappointment this morning, however, telling parliament that the moderate jihadists were “not a New Model Army”, “whereas al-Baghdadi is clearly Cromwell in the flesh.”

Responses were issued by the New Communist Party of Britain and the Communist Party of Great Britain (Marxist-Leninist). The NCP argued that the solution lay in the Syrian proletariat “voting Labour everywhere”, and announced that they would engage in a purge of their own members, for tradition’s sake. The CPGB(ML), meanwhile, gave its expected response:

“We couldn’t find a way to get any of the factions in Syria to rhyme with ‘same old story’, or any other dismissive witticism, but naturally whatever the British government proposes is indeed the same old story,” Harpal Brar informed the attentive British masses who hang on his every word. “We call on the British government to support Bashar al-Assad against the menace of British imperialism.”

Alexis Tsipras, Prime Minister of Germany, pointed out the similarity of Brar’s proposed strategy to Syriza’s actual strategy. “Will my brother in good hair also support our struggle against ourselves?” enquired Tsipras in a now publicly available e-mail exchange with Brar.

Brar’s response reads: “Nice try, Yorgo.”

For his part, Vladimir Putin, Tsar of all Russias from Belorussia to Prussia, proposed that Bashar al-Assad step down, to be replaced by Ramzan Kadyrov. Kadyrov’s duties in Chechnya would be taken on by Assad, and Putin himself would “just keep doin’ Putin.”


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