Turkish State to Render Worker’s Spatula Obsolete


ISTANBUL – The Turkish state continues its campaign to render Worker’s Spatula irrelevant in the Turkish context by outdoing in real practice the absurd fantasies of the Worker’s Spatula writing team.

In a well-known incident last March 8th, six women from the Kurdish women’s movement were charged with displaying banners with women who were assumed to be “members of [the PKK]” on them, but were in fact Clara Zetkin and Rosa Luxemburg. In a similar incident, two members of TÖPG, the militant communist organisation which now controls the de facto People’s Republic of Hatay, were just apprehended as they got off a bus in Istanbul for possession of a cell phone displaying the image of known terrorist leader Frida Kahlo.

An employee of the bus company had reported to the police that a woman with a suspicious cellphone cover was on the bus, immediately resulting in a “terror warning”. What happened next is not exactly clear, but Worker’s Spatula was able to acquire the following information: The cellphone cover in question was indeed a picture of Frida Kahlo. Some media outlets reported that she was taken to be a member of ISIS, and others reported that she was understood to be a Kurdish guerrilla of some sort. We are to assume that the Turkish state does not know the difference between the two, particularly given their repeated statements to this effect.

Further, the heroic bus company employee alerted the authorities that the TÖPG members in question were both foreigners, who confusingly spoke fluent Turkish, but also some strange and therefore hostile language. Given that literally all of TÖPG’s members are Alawite Arabs, this language must have been Arabic, but what are you going to do, you know?

Seriously, we are just reporting real news from Turkey at this point and it sounds like satire. What are we supposed to do with this?


RCPUSA Apparently Having Christological Debate about Bob Avakian Now


[LOCATION REDACTED]* – Unnoticed by anyone not trapped in a conversation with one of their members, the RCPUSA apparently kicked off the new year by debating the essence of Bob Avakian, namely, whether he was “in two natures”, or “of two natures”, the two natures in question being “chairman” and “party member”.

The debate is fierce, with the so-called “Orthodox” camp upholding the “of two natures” thesis threatening a schism from the cadres upholding that Bob Avakian is “in two natures”.

Leader of the “of two natures” camp, Raymond Lotta, agreed to speak with Worker’s Spatula’s New York correspondent, after taking him to Bob Avakian’s secret hideout*, blindfolded: “This is an important issue, and it’s true that we have threatened schism because we consider such a division of Bob Avakian to be heretical, but I also want outsiders to understand: Both camps still agree on the fundamentals of our creed, and that Bob Avakian’s New Synthesis is indeed still the one true path to socialism.”

Sunsara Taylor, the de facto leader of the “in two natures” camp, also agreed to speak with us by Skype: “What we are basically upholding is Maoist dialectics. One becomes two. We’re not dividing Bob Avakian. Bob Avakian has divided himself, in his infinite wisdom.”

“On a related note, I just wanted to say that as difficult as this is and as much as I hope that no schism does occur, this is an issue we had to address a long time ago. We all knew deep down that Bob Avakian was greater than the party, or pretty much anything else in life, but we had to deal with the implications. Now at least we can discuss the true nature of the dialectical relationship between the party and its chairman, instead of wasting time on secondary contradictions like the one between the party and the masses.”

*It’s Brooklyn, in case you’re curious.

US Liberals Prepared to Uproot Whole Lives in Response to Possible Trump Victory


PORTLAND, OREGON – Informal polls carried out by Worker’s Spatula correspondents in various cities on the West Coast of the United States reveal that the overwhelming majority of petty bourgeois US liberals, too busy to engage in concrete practice aimed at the rectification of the many injustices which perturb them, are prepared to uproot their entire lives and relocate across the border to Canada.

“When the whole Black Lives Matter thing got going, like, I wanted to do something, but I was really busy. I mean, I’ve got so much else going on.” 27-year-old Justin Cazden informed us, though he did not elaborate on what else he had “going on”. “Now I wish I had, because Trump’s going to be president, and racism will be legal again, and I guess I’ll just have to move to Canada, where racism doesn’t exist.”

33-year-old Peter Miller, who has threatened to relocate to Canada in the event of a Republican victory every US presidential election since 2000, but who has never threatened to abandon the Democratic Party, agreed: “It’s really scary to think that Trump might actually become president. I mean, not really scary for me because I’m in the tech industry and I’ll land on my feet in Canada, and I won’t really suffer if I stay here. But it’s scary for the people who already have it hard under Obama. Who I voted for, by the way. Tell the other Black people I voted for Obama, I want them to know I’m not racist.”

Private school-educated Karen Goldman, who was part of the “Tibetan Freedom Club” at university, and then was politically dormant until recently, claims Trump’s nomination would be “the last straw” for her: “Recently I shared some things about the public schools in Detroit on Facebook, but I think it might be too late. I think we’ve done all we can here, and it’s time for enlightened progressives to move up to Canada, where people will understand us.”

The Canadian Maoist group RCP-PCR responded positively to the idea that West Coast liberals would be relocating north of the border. Their Vancouver representative agreed to speak with our correspondent: “We’re pretty confident in our strength in Québec, and we’re starting to spread to Ontario, but we’ve got next to nothing here in British Columbia. If the Yanks are so disaffected by bourgeois politics that they’re ready to become refugees, I’m sure we can forge some of them into militants for our coming people’s war.”

“People’s war!” he concluded.

Street Fights Continue Following TÖPG Declaration of People’s Republic of Hatay


İSKENDERUN, HATAY – Sporadic violence continues following the declaration on Râs is-Seni of the People’s Republic of Hatay, a breakaway state which has been declared taking advantage of the rest of Turkey’s attention being drawn towards Kurdistan by state massacres there. TÖPG, the largest organisation in Hatay and now the ruling party of the de facto republic, has ordered its forces only to respond with arms to armed threats, but provocation by MHP gangs have resulted in street brawls for days.

“Watan bülinmez!” shrieked a neighbourhood reis as he hurled himself towards a crowd emerging from the Halk Meclisi, only to limp off moments later, badly bruised.

Hatay, an island of democratic centralism in a sea of democratic confederalism, is not immune to spillover from Syria. The Syrian Social Nationalist Party has successfully put down roots in İskenderun. The SSNP has joined clashes with the MHP and TÖPG, in the hopes of establishing its own leather-jacketed street hegemony.

“We’re glad Hatay has been liberated from the Ottomans at last,” local SSNP militant Butros Çalışkan informed us. “But now these yellow bastards want to build some new soviet union in the Middle East. The people of Hatay have waited too long for a united Syria to have their hopes dashed now. We’re going to wipe out the communists and retake Cyprus. After that, wiping out ISIS and Israel should be easy.”

Local TÖPG comrades are confident that they have the support of the people of Hatay, and that the fascists will be quickly eliminated. “More and more volunteers are coming every day from Adana and Mersin,” we were informed. “But their Arabic is just the worst.”

KP’s Hatay section issued their customary condemnation of any nationalism other than Turkish nationalism, which read in part as follows:

“We may not have the biggest following in Hatay, but that’s because the workers down here aren’t conscious enough, as evidenced by their division of the Turkish working class, which around here happens to speak Arabic.”

Harpal Brar: Support for Deporting non-English Speakers High among Brits Who Can’t Speak English


LONDON – Having failed to drive Muslims out of the UK by actually fucking a pig, David Cameron has elected to try to tear recent immigrant families apart by deporting women who fail to be fluent in multiple languages like David Cameron himself is.

Support for the reactionary stance is high among segments of British society which, according to CPGB-ML chairman and known Corbyn wannabe Harpal Brar, themselves lack a rudimentary command of the English language.

“It’s not that I explicitly disagree with David Cameron on the question of whether or not everyone in Britain ought to speak in English at all times. It’s just that as a reactionary, he has a clear racial or sectarian bias on who to scold for this.

“A cursory review of the comments section of any article in any British newspaper on the subject of immigration will reveal that anti-immigrant hysteria correlates quite strongly with a sloppy command of English grammar and spelling, innit?”

Stating that when the CPGB-ML “inevitably” comes to power, all British persons not found to speak impeccable English, which is indeed the only official language of the entire United Kingdom at present (the one point of agreement between the Tories and the CPGB-ML), will be “deported”.

“Including the entire Welsh ‘nation’, even if they pass our test,” concluded Brar.

“I hate the fucking Welsh so much.”


All Turkish Linguists Fired for Chomsky Ties


ANKARA – Against the backdrop of the ongoing war of words between self-described “neo-reactionary” Turkish President Erdoğan and famed American linguist and anarchist Noam Chomsky over the killing of civilians in Turkish Kurdistan, all linguists in all Turkish universities have been fired from their posts, while several of the especially generative linguists in the country were taken into custody for their excessive citations of Noam Chomsky’s work in the field.

Prime Minister Davutoğlu defended the decision, in his best attempt at a macho Erdoğan-esque voice, saying “This state does not have to tolerate so-called ‘intellectuals’ peddling terrorist theories about ‘universal grammar’ and ‘X-bars’. Even the name ‘X-bar’ makes clear the PKK sympathies of the Pennsylvanian linguists who are trying to infiltrate our schools with their separatist ideas.”

Confusion has reigned for days in Turkey as a result of the AKP government’s attempts to reconcile its narrative with the practical reality of carrying out day-to-day repression. Following widespread agreement from right-wing elements that calling for children to not be killed was PKK propaganda, officials from several municipal governments began joining in feminist pro-choice protests and arresting counter-protesters as “Chomskyan anarchist Armenian agents”.

In an attempt to put a stop to pro-choice behaviour by AKP officials, a communiqué was sent out stating that religious values dictated that “unborn children” ought never to be killed, but that only communist separatist terrorists spoke out against the killing of children who had been born. As a result, PKK leader and “baby killer” Abdullah Öcalan was freed for a period of twenty minutes.

Worker’s Spatula was able to get this comment from the recently-fired official blamed for the brief freeing of Öcalan: “After they recaptured Öcalan, I asked them, ‘which was right? Are the PKK killing children and we oppose that, or are we killing children and the PKK are bad for condemning it?’. They said I was talking like the PKK now, and that clearly I wasn’t cut out for work for the linguistically functionalist Turkish state, and I should go see if Chomsky would employ me.”

At press time, KCK co-chair Murat Karayılan was being interviewed live from Kandil about the similarities between the minimalist programme and Democratic Confederalism.

Re-Pakistanification of Turkey on the Agenda


ANKARA – The leaked minutes of a meeting of senior AKP officials from the inter-election period last year reveal that the previous plan for the “Malaysiafication” of Turkey have been determined to be a collasal failure, and all efforts henceforth are focused on the “re-Pakistanification” of the country.

“We set our sights too high, thinking we could totally obliterate any sort of militant left in our country, reduce the Kurds to snivelling subservience, and become an Islamist neo-liberal playground. Best to focus on achievable goals: We wave around Qur’ans any time we’re worried about the radical left in the West while we massacre the Kurds openly in the East,” said A. [redacted].

“Well,” responded M. [redacted], “it’s not like the Kurds are as weak internationally as the Baloch, and even they are holding their own against Pakistan. Barzani’s basically on our side, sure, but this Syria situation gives the Kurds an edge…”

“He’s right, if we’re going to be Pakistan under these conditions, we’ve got to grovel even harder than Pakistan.” responded E. [redacted]. “Get Tel Aviv and Jeddah on the phone right away, we’ve got to get things in motion.”

“Gentlemen,” interrupted R. [redacted], “I don’t need to remind you that if we can recreate the 1990s Pakistan-clone Turkey in 2016, there’s only one real threat remaining.”

All in attendance are reported to have nodded and murmured “the HTKP.”

Stalin Society of North America to Release “Revolutionary Russian Reader”


CHICAGO – The Stalin Society of North America has elected to ring in the new year with the release of a book sure to delight its core audience: The Revolutionary Russian Reader promises to educate the reader in key points of Russian grammar and lexicon through example texts culled from the writings of V.I. Lenin and Joseph Stalin.

“It’s for young comrades who want to learn Russian, but can’t relate to the dry dialogues about buying tickets and going round a friend’s place for tea. We figure some theoretical and propagandistic texts written by the minds responsible for the most exciting chapters of Russian history would be more engaging for a lot of people,” explained Alfonso Casal, author of the Revolutionary Russian Reader, Chairperson of the SSNA, and National Spokesperson for the American Party of Labor.

“Is it a niche market? Sure. But Anglo-Americans who are actually willing to learn a second language are already a niche market. And you’d be hard pressed to find a pairing more natural than Russian and Marxism-Leninism.”

Asked how accessible the book would be as an actual textbook for learning the language, Casal excitedly opened the book to the first unit “Лозунги/Slogans”.

“This is the chapter where we teach the Russian case system. It might seem like a lot, but when you’ve got ‘Вся власть Советам!’ memorised as ‘All power to the Soviets!’, how can you ever forget the plural dative?”

“From there we go all the way up to lengthy sections taken from the Collected Works. Both of them.”

Asked if he thought the books would sell, Casal assured us that not only was there already a substantial pre-order list, but that the rumour is that the Maoists are putting together a similar work for the Chinese language.

“We thought of doing the same thing for Albanian, because you know, Enver Hoxha. But who’s going to learn Albanian? Even EMEP never did it. EMEP!”

Worker’s Spatula New Year’s Message and Self-Criticism


CHIAPAS – After a prolonged silence, the central committee of the editorial staff of Worker’s Spatula, the most revolutionary publication in the English language, have emerged from the jungles of Chiapas wearing black balaclavas and toting rifles to address world public opinion, and the revolutionaries of the world in the particular.

In the front, a podgy comrade with an English accent and a smoking pipe protruding from his balaclava read out a prepared statement:

Toilers, strugglers, downtrodden of humanity: We, the central committee of the editorial staff of Worker’s Spatula, the vanguard of the vanguard of the vanguard of the revolution, stand before you as the guests of the EZLN, who are our real and true homies. We offer them a red salute, and a red salute to the brave comrades fighting on the front lines against fascism in Kurdistan, and of course, to the brave comrades fighting on the front lines of the House of Commons in Londonistan.

Unfortunately, 2015 failed to deliver a new socialist state. Despite our previous statements to the effect that we would take responsibility for all revolutionary success and deny any culpability for revolutionary failure at any time or place, we would like to publicly recognise the fact that we have not been fully shouldering the responsibility for leading revolutionary struggle vested in us by internet Marxists around the world.

Therefore, we would like to take this opportunity to give our self-criticism publicly, and in this fashion redouble the faith of the revolutionary vanguard forces around the world in us.

Up to this point, Worker’s Spatula has wasted altogether too much time and effort on mocking various Trotskyist organisations. This has been a pointless diversion: We have already made clear that we do not believe any Trotskyist organisation will ever carry out the first Trotskyist revolution in world history, and repeating this point ad nauseum while making fun of this quasi-Marxist tendency’s increasingly liberal stances on the question of imperialism is masturbatory at best.

Conversely, we have perhaps been too nice to Maoists. Expect more Maoism jokes in the new year.

We would also like to self-criticise for our failure to provide a very wide geographic range of coverage. This is partially a limitation based on trusted contacts in countries we don’t cover as much, but we can and will try to rectify this.

In this vein, we would like to mention that we intend to cover other national liberation movements other than Kurdistan. National liberation movements are an important part of the struggle against imperialism, and we can and should cover such diverse topics as Palestine, Ireland, and the Tamils of Sri Lanka.

Our visual propaganda has also been very lazy. Our photoshop of Jeremy Corbyn as Joseph Stalin was very successful and gained us a broader audience, to say nothing of our brilliant meme depicting Stalin as an “ethical atheist” counterposed with Bill Gates. Better visual propaganda should be used to gain the favour of the meme-hungry internet Marxist community, including video propaganda if possible.

Beyond that, we call on all the revolutionary forces which stand together with us in struggle to redouble their own efforts, wherever they are.


Upon the conclusion of the statement, a comrade with an American accent began firing shots into the air whilst screaming “DIALECTICS!”. This continued until the clip was emptied, at which point a comrade standing in the back said “Hadi yoldaşlar, gehen wir”, and the brave Worker’s Spatula editorial staff disappeared back into the jungle.