Turkish State to Render Worker’s Spatula Obsolete


ISTANBUL – The Turkish state continues its campaign to render Worker’s Spatula irrelevant in the Turkish context by outdoing in real practice the absurd fantasies of the Worker’s Spatula writing team.

In a well-known incident last March 8th, six women from the Kurdish women’s movement were charged with displaying banners with women who were assumed to be “members of [the PKK]” on them, but were in fact Clara Zetkin and Rosa Luxemburg. In a similar incident, two members of TÖPG, the militant communist organisation which now controls the de facto People’s Republic of Hatay, were just apprehended as they got off a bus in Istanbul for possession of a cell phone displaying the image of known terrorist leader Frida Kahlo.

An employee of the bus company had reported to the police that a woman with a suspicious cellphone cover was on the bus, immediately resulting in a “terror warning”. What happened next is not exactly clear, but Worker’s Spatula was able to acquire the following information: The cellphone cover in question was indeed a picture of Frida Kahlo. Some media outlets reported that she was taken to be a member of ISIS, and others reported that she was understood to be a Kurdish guerrilla of some sort. We are to assume that the Turkish state does not know the difference between the two, particularly given their repeated statements to this effect.

Further, the heroic bus company employee alerted the authorities that the TÖPG members in question were both foreigners, who confusingly spoke fluent Turkish, but also some strange and therefore hostile language. Given that literally all of TÖPG’s members are Alawite Arabs, this language must have been Arabic, but what are you going to do, you know?

Seriously, we are just reporting real news from Turkey at this point and it sounds like satire. What are we supposed to do with this?


Anarchist Man Enjoys Subverting Gender Binary, Lesbian Porn


HAMBURG – Local anarchist activist Otto Schwimmer is known among his friends for two things: His fierce opposition to all forms of oppressive hierarchy, from social class to gender, and his passionate love for lesbian-themed pornography.

“Oh yeah, rub your pussies together, you sluts,” exclaimed Schwimmer as he engrossed himself in the woman-dominated spectacle onscreen, manually stimulating himself in a most deconstructive fashion.

Several minutes later, he was to be found in the comments section of an article on a trans woman winning her right to use the women’s showers. “Bravo!” he typed. “If anything, I would say this decision doesn’t go far enough. We need to abolish gender ghettoisation of all showers. In this country where we condemn Muslim immigrants for their treatment of women, we never consider the ways in which we also have our own forms of gender segregation.”

At press time, Schwimmer was seen standing uncomfortably close to two high school-aged girls on a dimly-lit street, explaining why the institution of the police, whether bourgeois or socialist, is unnecessary and oppressive.

RCPUSA Apparently Having Christological Debate about Bob Avakian Now


[LOCATION REDACTED]* – Unnoticed by anyone not trapped in a conversation with one of their members, the RCPUSA apparently kicked off the new year by debating the essence of Bob Avakian, namely, whether he was “in two natures”, or “of two natures”, the two natures in question being “chairman” and “party member”.

The debate is fierce, with the so-called “Orthodox” camp upholding the “of two natures” thesis threatening a schism from the cadres upholding that Bob Avakian is “in two natures”.

Leader of the “of two natures” camp, Raymond Lotta, agreed to speak with Worker’s Spatula’s New York correspondent, after taking him to Bob Avakian’s secret hideout*, blindfolded: “This is an important issue, and it’s true that we have threatened schism because we consider such a division of Bob Avakian to be heretical, but I also want outsiders to understand: Both camps still agree on the fundamentals of our creed, and that Bob Avakian’s New Synthesis is indeed still the one true path to socialism.”

Sunsara Taylor, the de facto leader of the “in two natures” camp, also agreed to speak with us by Skype: “What we are basically upholding is Maoist dialectics. One becomes two. We’re not dividing Bob Avakian. Bob Avakian has divided himself, in his infinite wisdom.”

“On a related note, I just wanted to say that as difficult as this is and as much as I hope that no schism does occur, this is an issue we had to address a long time ago. We all knew deep down that Bob Avakian was greater than the party, or pretty much anything else in life, but we had to deal with the implications. Now at least we can discuss the true nature of the dialectical relationship between the party and its chairman, instead of wasting time on secondary contradictions like the one between the party and the masses.”

*It’s Brooklyn, in case you’re curious.

US Liberals Prepared to Uproot Whole Lives in Response to Possible Trump Victory


PORTLAND, OREGON – Informal polls carried out by Worker’s Spatula correspondents in various cities on the West Coast of the United States reveal that the overwhelming majority of petty bourgeois US liberals, too busy to engage in concrete practice aimed at the rectification of the many injustices which perturb them, are prepared to uproot their entire lives and relocate across the border to Canada.

“When the whole Black Lives Matter thing got going, like, I wanted to do something, but I was really busy. I mean, I’ve got so much else going on.” 27-year-old Justin Cazden informed us, though he did not elaborate on what else he had “going on”. “Now I wish I had, because Trump’s going to be president, and racism will be legal again, and I guess I’ll just have to move to Canada, where racism doesn’t exist.”

33-year-old Peter Miller, who has threatened to relocate to Canada in the event of a Republican victory every US presidential election since 2000, but who has never threatened to abandon the Democratic Party, agreed: “It’s really scary to think that Trump might actually become president. I mean, not really scary for me because I’m in the tech industry and I’ll land on my feet in Canada, and I won’t really suffer if I stay here. But it’s scary for the people who already have it hard under Obama. Who I voted for, by the way. Tell the other Black people I voted for Obama, I want them to know I’m not racist.”

Private school-educated Karen Goldman, who was part of the “Tibetan Freedom Club” at university, and then was politically dormant until recently, claims Trump’s nomination would be “the last straw” for her: “Recently I shared some things about the public schools in Detroit on Facebook, but I think it might be too late. I think we’ve done all we can here, and it’s time for enlightened progressives to move up to Canada, where people will understand us.”

The Canadian Maoist group RCP-PCR responded positively to the idea that West Coast liberals would be relocating north of the border. Their Vancouver representative agreed to speak with our correspondent: “We’re pretty confident in our strength in Québec, and we’re starting to spread to Ontario, but we’ve got next to nothing here in British Columbia. If the Yanks are so disaffected by bourgeois politics that they’re ready to become refugees, I’m sure we can forge some of them into militants for our coming people’s war.”

“People’s war!” he concluded.

Street Fights Continue Following TÖPG Declaration of People’s Republic of Hatay


İSKENDERUN, HATAY – Sporadic violence continues following the declaration on Râs is-Seni of the People’s Republic of Hatay, a breakaway state which has been declared taking advantage of the rest of Turkey’s attention being drawn towards Kurdistan by state massacres there. TÖPG, the largest organisation in Hatay and now the ruling party of the de facto republic, has ordered its forces only to respond with arms to armed threats, but provocation by MHP gangs have resulted in street brawls for days.

“Watan bülinmez!” shrieked a neighbourhood reis as he hurled himself towards a crowd emerging from the Halk Meclisi, only to limp off moments later, badly bruised.

Hatay, an island of democratic centralism in a sea of democratic confederalism, is not immune to spillover from Syria. The Syrian Social Nationalist Party has successfully put down roots in İskenderun. The SSNP has joined clashes with the MHP and TÖPG, in the hopes of establishing its own leather-jacketed street hegemony.

“We’re glad Hatay has been liberated from the Ottomans at last,” local SSNP militant Butros Çalışkan informed us. “But now these yellow bastards want to build some new soviet union in the Middle East. The people of Hatay have waited too long for a united Syria to have their hopes dashed now. We’re going to wipe out the communists and retake Cyprus. After that, wiping out ISIS and Israel should be easy.”

Local TÖPG comrades are confident that they have the support of the people of Hatay, and that the fascists will be quickly eliminated. “More and more volunteers are coming every day from Adana and Mersin,” we were informed. “But their Arabic is just the worst.”

KP’s Hatay section issued their customary condemnation of any nationalism other than Turkish nationalism, which read in part as follows:

“We may not have the biggest following in Hatay, but that’s because the workers down here aren’t conscious enough, as evidenced by their division of the Turkish working class, which around here happens to speak Arabic.”

Harpal Brar: Support for Deporting non-English Speakers High among Brits Who Can’t Speak English


LONDON – Having failed to drive Muslims out of the UK by actually fucking a pig, David Cameron has elected to try to tear recent immigrant families apart by deporting women who fail to be fluent in multiple languages like David Cameron himself is.

Support for the reactionary stance is high among segments of British society which, according to CPGB-ML chairman and known Corbyn wannabe Harpal Brar, themselves lack a rudimentary command of the English language.

“It’s not that I explicitly disagree with David Cameron on the question of whether or not everyone in Britain ought to speak in English at all times. It’s just that as a reactionary, he has a clear racial or sectarian bias on who to scold for this.

“A cursory review of the comments section of any article in any British newspaper on the subject of immigration will reveal that anti-immigrant hysteria correlates quite strongly with a sloppy command of English grammar and spelling, innit?”

Stating that when the CPGB-ML “inevitably” comes to power, all British persons not found to speak impeccable English, which is indeed the only official language of the entire United Kingdom at present (the one point of agreement between the Tories and the CPGB-ML), will be “deported”.

“Including the entire Welsh ‘nation’, even if they pass our test,” concluded Brar.

“I hate the fucking Welsh so much.”


All Turkish Linguists Fired for Chomsky Ties


ANKARA – Against the backdrop of the ongoing war of words between self-described “neo-reactionary” Turkish President Erdoğan and famed American linguist and anarchist Noam Chomsky over the killing of civilians in Turkish Kurdistan, all linguists in all Turkish universities have been fired from their posts, while several of the especially generative linguists in the country were taken into custody for their excessive citations of Noam Chomsky’s work in the field.

Prime Minister Davutoğlu defended the decision, in his best attempt at a macho Erdoğan-esque voice, saying “This state does not have to tolerate so-called ‘intellectuals’ peddling terrorist theories about ‘universal grammar’ and ‘X-bars’. Even the name ‘X-bar’ makes clear the PKK sympathies of the Pennsylvanian linguists who are trying to infiltrate our schools with their separatist ideas.”

Confusion has reigned for days in Turkey as a result of the AKP government’s attempts to reconcile its narrative with the practical reality of carrying out day-to-day repression. Following widespread agreement from right-wing elements that calling for children to not be killed was PKK propaganda, officials from several municipal governments began joining in feminist pro-choice protests and arresting counter-protesters as “Chomskyan anarchist Armenian agents”.

In an attempt to put a stop to pro-choice behaviour by AKP officials, a communiqué was sent out stating that religious values dictated that “unborn children” ought never to be killed, but that only communist separatist terrorists spoke out against the killing of children who had been born. As a result, PKK leader and “baby killer” Abdullah Öcalan was freed for a period of twenty minutes.

Worker’s Spatula was able to get this comment from the recently-fired official blamed for the brief freeing of Öcalan: “After they recaptured Öcalan, I asked them, ‘which was right? Are the PKK killing children and we oppose that, or are we killing children and the PKK are bad for condemning it?’. They said I was talking like the PKK now, and that clearly I wasn’t cut out for work for the linguistically functionalist Turkish state, and I should go see if Chomsky would employ me.”

At press time, KCK co-chair Murat Karayılan was being interviewed live from Kandil about the similarities between the minimalist programme and Democratic Confederalism.

Facebook Updates about Charlie Hebdo Centre of US Left Struggle Again


CHICAGO – Following the resolution of the important question of whether the recently deceased pop singer David Bowie was a fascist or a progressive struggler against the forces of reaction in the UK, US leftists are now fiercely engaged in the Facebook struggle against some lowbrow humour publication from France called Charlie Hebdo.

“I will not rest until nobody around me reads the racist publication Charlie Hebdo,” said Charlotte Bacher, a non-French-speaking member of CPUSA from Chicago, who has exactly two friends even capable of reading Charlie Hebdo without the help of a translator of some sort, neither of them having ever publicly expressed interest in the publication.

“This is the predominant form of anti-racist struggle this week,” agreed another white American leftist, one David Finn, a self-described “Pol Potist” from Seattle. “This is basically as important as that time I spent a week calling the forces defending Kobanê sell-outs to US imperialism.”

“Black Lives Matter is so 2015,” said Karen Wong, an “anti-racist activist” and petty bourgeois liberal of some sort from San Francisco. “Back to what really matters: screaming about pop culture from the comfort of my apartment.”

As of press time, the other half of annoying English-speaking Facebook leftists still had French flags and other symbols of the French state displayed as their profile pictures.

Re-Pakistanification of Turkey on the Agenda


ANKARA – The leaked minutes of a meeting of senior AKP officials from the inter-election period last year reveal that the previous plan for the “Malaysiafication” of Turkey have been determined to be a collasal failure, and all efforts henceforth are focused on the “re-Pakistanification” of the country.

“We set our sights too high, thinking we could totally obliterate any sort of militant left in our country, reduce the Kurds to snivelling subservience, and become an Islamist neo-liberal playground. Best to focus on achievable goals: We wave around Qur’ans any time we’re worried about the radical left in the West while we massacre the Kurds openly in the East,” said A. [redacted].

“Well,” responded M. [redacted], “it’s not like the Kurds are as weak internationally as the Baloch, and even they are holding their own against Pakistan. Barzani’s basically on our side, sure, but this Syria situation gives the Kurds an edge…”

“He’s right, if we’re going to be Pakistan under these conditions, we’ve got to grovel even harder than Pakistan.” responded E. [redacted]. “Get Tel Aviv and Jeddah on the phone right away, we’ve got to get things in motion.”

“Gentlemen,” interrupted R. [redacted], “I don’t need to remind you that if we can recreate the 1990s Pakistan-clone Turkey in 2016, there’s only one real threat remaining.”

All in attendance are reported to have nodded and murmured “the HTKP.”

US Anarchists Join Forces with Bundy Brothers


RURAL OREGON – Waving black flags and wearing black masks, extremely radical anarchists have elected to join the “anti-state” occupation of a federal building alongside the Bundy brothers and other assorted reactionaries.

“This is what it’s all about man, fighting the state!” said one Sean Winston from Massachusetts, waving his black flag. “Sure it’s not perfect, but at least this is some real anti-state action for once!” he said, motioning towards the crowd of reactionary landowners waving various American flags and other patriotic symbols of US imperialism.

“I hope we get to fight some cops.” agreed his comrade, Jack Kennedy, clutching his Molotov cocktail. “If they don’t shoot at our new comrades, who are standing up for farmers rights, we might have to just start chucking shit to start a fight. Gonna TAKE DOWN THIS FUCKING SYSTEM!” he bellowed, startling the crowd of “militiamen” alongside whom he was marching.

Asked about whether or not the Bundys were the best comrades in arms, Kennedy responded angrily: “Look, are you trying to prop up the US state and empire? Because that’s what the Bundys are about: Tearing down US imperialism. How can we NOT stand with them, knowing that to be the fact that it is?”

“You just gotta look at it like the settlers in the West Bank.” added another anarchist comrade, one Michael Gold. “They clash with the police too, so this shows that they recognise the evil of the state. Same thing with these militias here. They’re privileged and not totally progressive, but they see through the bullshit, just like us.”

Oregon state troopers declined to comment as to whether or not they viewed the Bundys, their militia allies, or the anarchists as an existential threat to the state or US imperialism.

Asked how they felt about their newfound allies, Ammon Bundy responded thus: “Well, I don’t know if they’re as patriotic as we are, but we guess they’re against big government. If they help us out in our goal of creating a god-fearing, farmer-friendly, small-government, very, very white new America, well I guess I like them.”

“But they better not play any of those punk rap bands I see them wearing t-shirts for, you hear me?”