CHIAPAS – After a prolonged silence, the central committee of the editorial staff of Worker’s Spatula, the most revolutionary publication in the English language, have emerged from the jungles of Chiapas wearing black balaclavas and toting rifles to address world public opinion, and the revolutionaries of the world in the particular.
In the front, a podgy comrade with an English accent and a smoking pipe protruding from his balaclava read out a prepared statement:
Toilers, strugglers, downtrodden of humanity: We, the central committee of the editorial staff of Worker’s Spatula, the vanguard of the vanguard of the vanguard of the revolution, stand before you as the guests of the EZLN, who are our real and true homies. We offer them a red salute, and a red salute to the brave comrades fighting on the front lines against fascism in Kurdistan, and of course, to the brave comrades fighting on the front lines of the House of Commons in Londonistan.
Unfortunately, 2015 failed to deliver a new socialist state. Despite our previous statements to the effect that we would take responsibility for all revolutionary success and deny any culpability for revolutionary failure at any time or place, we would like to publicly recognise the fact that we have not been fully shouldering the responsibility for leading revolutionary struggle vested in us by internet Marxists around the world.
Therefore, we would like to take this opportunity to give our self-criticism publicly, and in this fashion redouble the faith of the revolutionary vanguard forces around the world in us.
Up to this point, Worker’s Spatula has wasted altogether too much time and effort on mocking various Trotskyist organisations. This has been a pointless diversion: We have already made clear that we do not believe any Trotskyist organisation will ever carry out the first Trotskyist revolution in world history, and repeating this point ad nauseum while making fun of this quasi-Marxist tendency’s increasingly liberal stances on the question of imperialism is masturbatory at best.
Conversely, we have perhaps been too nice to Maoists. Expect more Maoism jokes in the new year.
We would also like to self-criticise for our failure to provide a very wide geographic range of coverage. This is partially a limitation based on trusted contacts in countries we don’t cover as much, but we can and will try to rectify this.
In this vein, we would like to mention that we intend to cover other national liberation movements other than Kurdistan. National liberation movements are an important part of the struggle against imperialism, and we can and should cover such diverse topics as Palestine, Ireland, and the Tamils of Sri Lanka.
Our visual propaganda has also been very lazy. Our photoshop of Jeremy Corbyn as Joseph Stalin was very successful and gained us a broader audience, to say nothing of our brilliant meme depicting Stalin as an “ethical atheist” counterposed with Bill Gates. Better visual propaganda should be used to gain the favour of the meme-hungry internet Marxist community, including video propaganda if possible.
Beyond that, we call on all the revolutionary forces which stand together with us in struggle to redouble their own efforts, wherever they are.
ARM JOHN MCDONNELL NOW!
Upon the conclusion of the statement, a comrade with an American accent began firing shots into the air whilst screaming “DIALECTICS!”. This continued until the clip was emptied, at which point a comrade standing in the back said “Hadi yoldaşlar, gehen wir”, and the brave Worker’s Spatula editorial staff disappeared back into the jungle.