All Turkish Linguists Fired for Chomsky Ties


ANKARA – Against the backdrop of the ongoing war of words between self-described “neo-reactionary” Turkish President Erdoğan and famed American linguist and anarchist Noam Chomsky over the killing of civilians in Turkish Kurdistan, all linguists in all Turkish universities have been fired from their posts, while several of the especially generative linguists in the country were taken into custody for their excessive citations of Noam Chomsky’s work in the field.

Prime Minister Davutoğlu defended the decision, in his best attempt at a macho Erdoğan-esque voice, saying “This state does not have to tolerate so-called ‘intellectuals’ peddling terrorist theories about ‘universal grammar’ and ‘X-bars’. Even the name ‘X-bar’ makes clear the PKK sympathies of the Pennsylvanian linguists who are trying to infiltrate our schools with their separatist ideas.”

Confusion has reigned for days in Turkey as a result of the AKP government’s attempts to reconcile its narrative with the practical reality of carrying out day-to-day repression. Following widespread agreement from right-wing elements that calling for children to not be killed was PKK propaganda, officials from several municipal governments began joining in feminist pro-choice protests and arresting counter-protesters as “Chomskyan anarchist Armenian agents”.

In an attempt to put a stop to pro-choice behaviour by AKP officials, a communiqué was sent out stating that religious values dictated that “unborn children” ought never to be killed, but that only communist separatist terrorists spoke out against the killing of children who had been born. As a result, PKK leader and “baby killer” Abdullah Öcalan was freed for a period of twenty minutes.

Worker’s Spatula was able to get this comment from the recently-fired official blamed for the brief freeing of Öcalan: “After they recaptured Öcalan, I asked them, ‘which was right? Are the PKK killing children and we oppose that, or are we killing children and the PKK are bad for condemning it?’. They said I was talking like the PKK now, and that clearly I wasn’t cut out for work for the linguistically functionalist Turkish state, and I should go see if Chomsky would employ me.”

At press time, KCK co-chair Murat Karayılan was being interviewed live from Kandil about the similarities between the minimalist programme and Democratic Confederalism.


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