Debate on EU Membership Heats up: “Lenin said a lot of things”


LONDON – As the debate on EU membership heats up, members of the British ICOR affiliate Party of Labour (Welsh: Partija Rada) have been thrown into confusion by Jeremy Corbyn switching sides on this crucial issue. Cadres across Britain are engaged in fierce discussion which includes no small amount of personal polemic. A Worker’s Spatula correspondent was witness to one such discussion in a pub.

“Petty bourgeois reformism!” declared Red London member Victoria Barry as she paused from her lager to respond to her comrade John Armstrong’s assessment of the EU as a force for positive change in British labour laws. “At best, Comrade Corbyn is only taking this position tactically so that those less advanced sectors of the British proletariat cannot be scared away from our party by Tory propaganda over this issue. At worst, you’re both guilty of modern… er… post-modern revisionism!”

Armstrong defended himself with what appeared to be a trump card: “On the subject of revisionism, do you want to be in the trenches with not only UKIP, but George Galloway?”

A murmur of agreement spread across the table at the mention of the hated Galloway.

“Anyone can make that argument. Literally ANYONE can, because Galloway’s position on this or any other matter of EU policy is subject to change at the drop of his rather silly hat. Like his painfully beardless hero, Mao Zedong, he is guilty of constant zig-zags in policy. If Corbyn and Galloway switch places, it should be irrelevant to us. The question is what Comrade Lenin would say about the EU,” retorted Barry.

“Lenin said a lot of things,” Armstrong responded before rising to purchase another beer.

Barry returned to her own beer, tears in her eyes, before placing headphones in her ears and putting on an INLA song on her smartphone’s mp3 player.

“We’re the INLA… freedom fighters…” she crooned off-key while glaring after Armstrong.

At press time, almost everyone at the table had been declared a “scoundrel” by someone else, and several individuals were declared to be the agents of various imperialist powers, “out to sabotage the British revolution”.


Bob Avakian Wearing a Balaclava Now


NEW YORK – Bob Avakian is apparently appearing in public wearing a balaclava now, and quite often smoking a pipe. Sources within the RCPUSA can neither confirm nor deny any connection between the chairman’s new appearance and the recent announcement that all charges by the Mexican state against EZLN commander Subcomandante Marcos have been dropped due to the statute of limitations laws in that country.

The move, which the CPUSA condemned as “not something the Democratic Party would approve of”, is expected to increase Bob Avakian’s popularity among Chicanos who are already members of the RCPUSA.

Sources in New York were divided on the new choice, with genius theoretician and New School professor Andrew Arato stating: “Everything except my academic publications is adventurism. This applies to the movements of national liberation for the Palestinians and the Kurds, and it applies to whatever it is Bob Avakian does.”

RCPUSA member Raymond Lotta, well known for having a superior moustache to Andrew Arato, disagreed, stating: “Everything Chairman Avakian does draws him closer to the Chicano masses in the United States, whether it is wearing their traditional folk costume or supporting Ted Cruz against Trumpite fascism. Bob Avakian is my daddy.”

RCPUSA sources were also unable to confirm or deny rumours that Bob Avakian is planning to run for the office of President of the United Mexican States on a platform of “a chicken in every pot and a new synthesis for every contradiction”.

CWI Ruins Everything for Australian Man


BRISBANE – Men in positions of power unwilling to exercise control over their own dicks have reportedly now destroyed every facet of one man’s Australian childhood.

The country’s Socialist Party has seen a wave of resignations after the organisation was “torn apart by attacks on a woman comrade for coming forward with serious allegations of abuse by a leading male member [sic].”

Brisbane resident Harry Peterson told Worker’s Spatula there was now nothing in Australia left to believe in.

“When I was a kid, you used to have adults around you the whole time you were told you could trust, whether you were a small boy, a young woman or a farmyard animal.”

“You went to Church on Sundays—where you were taught to obey a group of old men on the basis of religious dogma.”

“It was a real shock when I found out it was a hotbed of nonces.”

“After school you went to the Scouts or Boys Brigade—where you were taught to obey a group of old men on the basis of imperialist dogma.”

“That was somewhat less of a shock, I must say.

“And when we were old enough, we joined the CWI, as was the fashion in those days. What could be healthier than going to meetings and selling papers for a group of old men on the basis of Trotskyist dogma?”

“And yet for some reason these powerful men, half-worshipped and apparently untouchable in their own institutions, thought they would get away with sexual abuse.”

Peterson did remember a few instances in his day where members of the central committee had sexually harassed young female comrades.

“Then again, that was usual in those days, wasn’t it? Nothing you wouldn’t have got in the workplace! And what was the CWI but an attempt at reproducing workplace dynamics in politics?”

Was there anything from his childhood that was not now tainted by sexual abuse scandals?

“We liked to put on the radio and listen to the DJs… Umm, no. Saturday morning television. We used to enjoy that. Rolf Harris.”

Mr. Peterson opted not to continue the interview, instead banging his head violently against the wall and screaming.

Suicide Bombing Apparently over Kautsky


PARIS – Eyewitnesses to the shocking suicide bombing yesterday at l’université de Paris VIII refuted rumours which had been circulating that the bomber had been motivated by Islamic extremism. These rumours appear to have been based not only upon the method of attack, but also the early photos showing the bomber with a long hipster beard. Rather, the bomber, one Angelo Petrini, was a Marxist-Leninist motivated by his fanatical commitment to the prophet Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov (SAW).

According to Marwa Atalhaoui, a survivor who barely escaped the blast with as little as a broken leg, a fight between Petrini and his acquaintance Richard Desmoulins reached the level of shouting shortly before the former detonated his suicide vest, as determined by forensic evidence.


Atalhaoui paused to wipe a tear that had escaped her eye before continuing. “I’ve never seen such hateful anti-revisionism. And my uncle’s a Maoist.”

Followers of Bakunin are advised to avoid public places in case anyone should attempt a copycat bombing. French Prime Minister Manuel Valls has proposed putting all Marxist-Leninists on a special police registry for security reasons, “something we should’ve considered long ago anyway”.

NCP Central Committee Reportedly Purge Selves


LONDON –Following a purge of a good number of important cadres last week, the central committee of the New Communist Party of Britain have discovered that a typo in the purge document resulted in twice as many cadres being purged as originally intended.

The purge—which began as a disagreement over the exact phrasing of an open letter to the RCPB-ML criticising the latter for their “ultra-left” stance on the historical role of pop singer David Bowie—was announced via a document which, in addition to a list of names of purged cadre, included a list of cadre who should not be purged despite their incorrect stance. The word “not” was left out, resulting in two thirds of the party, rather than the original intended one third, being purged.

The New Worker editorial offices immediately erupted in fierce argument and occasional scuffling upon revelation of the news. Over the past few days, the following events are reported to have occurred:

-Several central committee members gave self-criticism, advocated their own purging to make up for their “petty bourgeois negligence”.

-Other central committee members argued that advocating the further purging of valuable cadres to atone for already accomplished unnecessary purges was ultra-leftist and liquidationist. They advocated purging of the former group of central committee members on these grounds.

-The remaining central committee members advocated a simple public self-criticism and rescinding of the previous purge document. This move was condemned as “revisionist” by the former two groups of central committee members, who advocated the purge of the latter.

-The “revisionist” central committee members resorted to attempting to purge the rest of the central committee “in self-defence”.

At press time, it is not clear whether the central committee of the New Communist Party of Britain has succeeded in purging itself in its entirety or not.

Turkish Left Making Enormous Mistakes, Opines US Trotskyist


BOSTON – Local Trotskyist and PhD student Chris Milano managed to corner his classmate and Alınteri enthusiast Deniz Yıldırım at a get-together at a local Boston bar this evening to inform him of the great theoretical and practical deficiencies of the Turkish left, as viewed from the vantage point of Milano’s experience as an organiser for the ISO.

No, that was the joke.

Worker’s Spatula Supports Bob Avakian on SCOTUS


BOSTON – Following news of famous judgerman Antonin Scalia’s death, the central committee of the editorial staff of Worker’s Spatula hastily convened to choose a successor that the AmeriKKKan People™ could be proud of. Someone who could make the Supreme Court great again.

Of course, Worker’s Spatula supports Bob Avakian in this historic moment.

Bob Avakian™s Revolutionary New Synthesis™ of Communism™™™ is the answer to the jurisprudential crisis which is so strongly felt by the peoples of the United States at present, as it is the answer to all problems in life.

Worker’s Spatula is confident that faced with any legal case, Bob Avakian will deliver a just ruling, consisting of throwing out the case and advocating a new legal system, and indeed, a new social system, based on a cult of personality around his personage.

Worker’s Spatula would like to emphasise that while it did choose Bob Avakian to endorse for this important task because he is some kind of freaky Maoist, he was not our first choice for freaky Maoist Supreme Court Justice. Obviously, if possible, we would have endorsed Chairman Mao himself, and our second choice would have been Ghanaian leader Kwame Nkrumah, who at least had a cool Mao-like book of quotations.

Even among living US Maoists, we had briefly considered APSP Chairman Omali Yeshitela, who has a better book of quotations than Chairman Bob. However, it was eventually determined that President Obama’s fear of black militancy would render him less likely to follow our advice if it was to appoint Chairman Omali.

We expect that, following our endorsement, Chairman Bob will be appointed as the newest Supreme Court Justice of the United States. Failure to comply with our most reasonable request will result in the full force of Bob Avakian’s people’s army being unleashed upon military targets across the United States. You have been warned.

Image credit: Doing the BAsics with Bob Avakian

“Marxism Too Mainstream,” Declares Hipster Embracing Young Hegelianism


TORONTO – York University philosophy student Christopher Lam first came to the attention of Worker’s Spatula when one of our Toronto representatives engaged him in discussion while distributing Worker’s Spatula alongside comrades from the CPC(ML) engaging in a protest.

“Yeah, I know Worker’s Spatula. Pretty mainstream shit, if you ask me. I bet the writers read translations of Engels or Gramsci to understand dialectical relationships. Me? I read dense prose in THE ORIGINAL GERMAN.”

It was quickly ascertained that Lam was some manner of non-Marxist Hegelian. His time appeared to mostly be divided between the computers in the Scott Library and showing up at protests and other left activities, at which he would principally stand at the sidelines, smoking cigarettes and scoffing at the “vulgarity” of the various left factions.

“It’s not that everything the CPC(ML) talks about is wrong, they make some good points, but printing pamphlets about dialectics that any bozo can read? Leave this shit to the philosophers, eh?”

More recently, we met Lam at a punk show, which Lam informed us “totally sucked”. During our discussion he said that “Engels was a sell-out. Hegel was really at his best in Phänomenologie des Geistes. When you read Engels’s critiques of Stirner, you see that what really upsets him is Stirner’s greater freedom and self-consciousness. Engels was a pussy, he could never be as much of a rebel as Stirner was.”

Asked if he considered himself a follower of Stirner, we were quickly rebuked: “Stirner is just an example of how you lot need to move beyond your precious Marx, as if he was some uniquely gifted individual and not one of the more vulgar trends within Left Hegelianism. What I advocate at present is something more ‘free’ than the party model. This isn’t the bourgeois idea of ‘individual freedom’, but rather we need a more advanced philosophical discourse aimed at determining a higher sort of ‘truth’, through which a higher sort of ‘freedom’ might be achieved.”

“Die Auflösung jener einfachen Einheit ist das Resultat der ersten Erfahrung; es ist durch sie ein reines Selbstbewußtsein, und ein Bewußtsein gesetzt, welches nicht rein für sich, sondern für ein Anderes, das heißt, als seiendes Bewußtsein oder Bewußtsein in der Gestalt der Dingheit ist”, he added.


UK Left Militant Group Suspiciously Swan-Oriented


LONDON – After a tense, days-long standoff between the villagers of Briscombe and Her Majesty’s swans, the villagers emerged this morning to find themselves shockingly unmolested by the reactionary birds.

But their relief turned to terror as they turned on their televisions to find every channel attributing their liberation from the swans to the work of a new left-wing guerrilla organisation known as the PLAB, the People’s Liberation Army of Britain.

“People of Briscombe, you are safe again. No more must you cower in fear of her so-called ‘majesty’s swans. They will be fed covertly to the people, after being prepared in a really lovely cognac-based sauce.” said a masked guerrilla, speaking in a video apparently released by the group to claim responsibility.

“The swans are yours no more, Queeney!” growled a cleaver-wielding individual in the video.

The shadowy organisation, whose numbers and origins are unknown, has claimed responsibility for several attacks in cities across Britain in weeks past. All of them appear to have some connection to the restaurant business or what the organisation refers to as “the swan question”.

“For centuries, the peoples of Britain have been deprived the right to eat swan, whether boiled in England, or fried in Scotland, or even served on toast in Wales. The swan is the symbol of oppressive monarchism and great nation chauvinism in Britain!”

Thus far three successful assassinations have been carried out against members of “the corrupt leadership of the British Culinary Federation, who through their actions have held back the revolutionary potential of the chefs of Britain”. After a protracted negotiation process, a PLAB spokesperson agreed to meet with a Worker’s Spatula correspondent, who was taken blindfolded to what looked and sounded suspiciously like the back room of a five-star restaurant in London.

“Of course, there is many enjustice in Britain,” Henri Pensante, a spokesman for the central committee of the group, told us in an outrageous French accent. “But as révolutionnaires, we ‘ave to begin somewhere. It just so ‘appens that we on the comité central know mainly about three issues: Offending monarchs, the plight of restaurant workers, and the préparation of poultry.”

At press time, it has been reported that Gordon Ramsey has been taken in for questioning on the grounds that he is “the only chef disgruntled enough to be behind this.”

Sanders Ownership of Slaves Possible Con for Black Voters


ATLANTA, GEORGIA – Polls across the Black Belt South imply that Democratic candidate and self-described “social democrat” Bernie Sanders’s chances among black voters may be hurt by his reputation as a cruel taskmaster on the cotton plantation which he owns in rural Georgia, on which he owns several dozen African humans as chattel.

Sources within the Sanders camp have confirmed that Sanders understands that his plantation is controversial among Black voters, but is unsure if he’s prepared to sell it at this point in the race.

Also controversial is Sanders’s opposition to women’s suffrage and insistence that his wife is his literal property, not on Biblical grounds, but based on his readings of Max Stirner.

At press time, Atlanta-based rapper Killer Mike defended Sanders on the grounds that Hillary Clinton also owns slaves, and nobody makes a big deal out of that.