LONDON – Following pleas for help from the embattled supporters of Jeremy Corbyn against the onslaught of the revisionists, ICOR warlocks have seen fit to raise Joseph Stalin from the dead so that he might lead a campaign to crush Corbyn’s Red Tory enemies under the treads of Labour Party tanks.
However, when the revived Stalin stepped off the train at St Pancras International, he was surprised to find the crowds of supporters suspiciously bereft of tanks. Upon confirming that UK “tankies” have a grand total of zero tanks between them, Stalin asked his assembled followers how they might procure some. Given the UK’s penchant for exorbitant spending on military expenditures, it was determined that the Trident programme be scrapped in favour of funds for tanks used to crush Corbyn’s enemies within the Labour Party.
Following this decision, Lenin’s successor has been seen relaxing in Jeremy Corbyn’s Islington bunker while he awaits the arrival of funds for the tanks. Sources close to Corbyn confirm that he has been catching Stalin up on developments in Marxism-Leninism since his death, while Stalin has requested a meeting with Stefan Engel, so that he may offer advice on ICOR’s future.
At press time, Jeremy Corbyn was attempting to convince Stalin that guerrilla warfare might be preferable to a tank-based assault on their enemies. “We have a particularly passionate commander named John McDonnell. If only he were to be armed posthaste…”