LONDON – After a tense, days-long standoff between the villagers of Briscombe and Her Majesty’s swans, the villagers emerged this morning to find themselves shockingly unmolested by the reactionary birds.
But their relief turned to terror as they turned on their televisions to find every channel attributing their liberation from the swans to the work of a new left-wing guerrilla organisation known as the PLAB, the People’s Liberation Army of Britain.
“People of Briscombe, you are safe again. No more must you cower in fear of her so-called ‘majesty’s swans. They will be fed covertly to the people, after being prepared in a really lovely cognac-based sauce.” said a masked guerrilla, speaking in a video apparently released by the group to claim responsibility.
“The swans are yours no more, Queeney!” growled a cleaver-wielding individual in the video.
The shadowy organisation, whose numbers and origins are unknown, has claimed responsibility for several attacks in cities across Britain in weeks past. All of them appear to have some connection to the restaurant business or what the organisation refers to as “the swan question”.
“For centuries, the peoples of Britain have been deprived the right to eat swan, whether boiled in England, or fried in Scotland, or even served on toast in Wales. The swan is the symbol of oppressive monarchism and great nation chauvinism in Britain!”
Thus far three successful assassinations have been carried out against members of “the corrupt leadership of the British Culinary Federation, who through their actions have held back the revolutionary potential of the chefs of Britain”. After a protracted negotiation process, a PLAB spokesperson agreed to meet with a Worker’s Spatula correspondent, who was taken blindfolded to what looked and sounded suspiciously like the back room of a five-star restaurant in London.
“Of course, there is many enjustice in Britain,” Henri Pensante, a spokesman for the central committee of the group, told us in an outrageous French accent. “But as révolutionnaires, we ‘ave to begin somewhere. It just so ‘appens that we on the comité central know mainly about three issues: Offending monarchs, the plight of restaurant workers, and the préparation of poultry.”
At press time, it has been reported that Gordon Ramsey has been taken in for questioning on the grounds that he is “the only chef disgruntled enough to be behind this.”