“The Government in Brazil is a Government,” Anarchist Informs Us



SÃO PAULO – Brazil, better known to Worker’s Spatula’s writing staff as the birthplace of Paulo Freire, is in an uproar over attempts by fascists to topple a progressive government in that country under the guise of “anti-corruption”. Progressives and socialists around the world stand with the poor and downtrodden of Brazil as they protest this latest attempt by the forces of reaction in Latin America to crush the democratic spirit of the labouring peoples.

“But none of that matters,” New York-born anarchist and freelance journalist Sean McCarthy informed Worker’s Spatula’s São Paulo correspondent as they observed a crowd of bourgeois anti-government protesters calling for the resignation of allegedly corrupt officials associated with the Workers’ Party. “What you’re feeding me is pro-Moscow dogma, and it’s just another way of crushing the spirit of liberation that unites all of humanity.”

“I’ve heard it all before. First you’re going to tell me that the Workers’ Party represents the will of the poor, but poor people voted for Hitler. Rousseff is Hitler, is basically what I’m saying.”

“Next you’ll say that their opponents are worse, but who put you in charge of who’s bad and who’s good? Your god, Stalin? Those days are over man, you can’t gulag me.

“You can’t just stereotype the opposition as being a bunch of wealthy white Brazilians, just because most of them happen to be wealthy and white, and hate poor and dark-skinned Brazilians.”

“At the end of the day, all governments are governments, and like it or not, Brazil’s government is also a government. That makes it bad, and that makes everyone who’s against it good.”

Asked who he would be voting for in his own country, McCarthy responded: “Trump of course, he’s a rebel against the system, like me.”


DHKP-C Oddly Chipper about Potential Rise of Fascism in the US


GAZİ MAHALLESİ, ISTANBUL – The clandestine organisation of musical scamps known as DHKP-C are oddly upbeat about ongoing reports from the United States that a fascist movement centred around the personality of Donald Trump is gaining strength in that country.

“I mean, obviously we believe that it is the bourgeoisie which benefits from US imperialism, and not the people in the US. So it’s not that we wish fascism would emerge in the US in earnest per se…” explained “Hüseyin”, a masked man who agreed to meet with one of our correspondents behind [REDACTED] çay salonu in Gazi Mahallesi. “But there are already a LOT of guns in the US from what our people there tell us.”

“Hüseyin” then spent thirty seconds pantomiming the action of firing a machine gun.

“TIRRRRR! TAK TAK TAK! Take THAT, you fascist sons of bitches!”

His comrade “Nergis” was given comradely and not at all patriarchal permission to agree.

“Obviously DHKP-C has never really been that active in international organising, because you know, we can’t even get along with Kurds really. But if there’s one sort of international solidarity we would really pour our heart and soul into, it’s encouraging massive bloodshed in the United States,” she explained, nervously glancing over to make sure “Hüseyin” had not ceased nodding in approval while she spoke.

“After everything the Americans put us through, they kind of deserve their own bloody internal conflict that they can respond to with a disorganised band of rag-tag militants who lash out with violence at the right and the left equally.”

At press time, an agreement had been reached to obtain autographed copies of several Grup Yorum albums for the Worker’s Spatula Istanbul office, to be picked up from the local cemevi Thursday night.

“DOES THE CELL NOT DIVIDE?!” Dialectical Conflict Rocks Worker’s Spatula


NABLUS, WEST BANK – Two Worker’s Spatula correspondents on a good will mission to the West Bank have descended into bickering which resulted in their being kicked out of the unit they were travelling with, leaving them stranded in Khirbet Tana.

“Fucking Worker’s Spatula,” spat their comrade Ibrahim as he kicked them out of the jeep. “Go argue about dialectics among yourselves and leave us out of it.”

“How can you say that two unites into one? Where would all the divisions come from if the universal dialectical trend was unity?” asked [REDACTED 1], continuing the argument that got them kicked out of the jeep moments prior.

“Maybe they just haven’t resolved yet. Like, we’re moving towards unity, we used to have aristocracy, but it undergoes fusion with the bourgeoisie, and in socialism, we’ll just…”

“Genosseciğim, do you even… do you just not see how metaphysical you sound right now? So how did class divisions arise in the first place?”

“I dunno, they just…”




“Cells divide!” responded an exasperated [REDACTED 2]. “But if everything is always dividing and dividing, how do we ever achieve unity? How do we form a single organisation?”

“Oh, WE don’t!” retorted [REDACTED 1]. “You’re out! No more Worker’s Spatula for you! We had ONE organisation, now we DIVIDED INTO TWO, and you can go start your own Marxist-Leninist satirical site.”

“But…” said a teary-eyed [REDACTED 2].

“You heard me! Go start your undialectical and revisionist fucking satire page, where one doesn’t divide into two! You can go unite with yourself!”

At press time, one had indeed divided into two.

Arato Adrift: Turkish State Seizes Control of Newspaper


ISTANBUL – The Turkish state has decided to take over the “opposition” newspaper Zaman, which belongs to the religious and political movement of Fethullah Gülen, a well-known CIA agent who worked with the “Association to Fight Communism” in the east of Turkey in the 80s and early 90s, and who more recently has founded wholesome religious schools in former Warsaw Pact countries.

Reactions to the move were mixed. Ahmet Hakan, a well known Turkish journalist and poster-child for opportunism in Turkey, said: “Finally, after some 2 years of trouble, they are back where they belong. I am so happy about this. The media in Turkey are like a great family, supporting our beloved president in manifold ways. The media not supporting him are clearly traitors and terrorists. I want to add that I was always in support of the president, but I tried to present a moderate opposition, to create the impression that there were actually different opinions possible in the Turkish media. Unfortunately some of the AKP’s followers did not understand my subtle technique and beat me up. Since then I am more straightforward. With Zaman back in the fold, we are one step closer to crushing press terrorism in its entirety.”

Andrew Arato, Today’s Zaman’s only remaining American reader [the English-language version of Zaman, – WS], was in Istanbul at a HDK-sponsored conference when the news broke. Upon hearing the word “Kurdistan” once during the question and answer session, he ceased to speak in political or academic jargon and reverted to vulgar insults aimed at the entire audience:

“You’re all fuckin’ idiots! You’re just a bunch of fuckin’ terrorists! You should all pick up AK-47s if you’re gonna talk like this! Stop dividing Turkey, you fuckin’ Kurdish nationalist idiots!”

After the conference, Mr. Arato confided in us: “My only source of information on Turkey was Today’s Zaman. Now that they’re pro-government again, I don’t know what to do. How can I look like a critic of the system when the system keeps taking control of the only news sources moderate enough for my pseudo-leftist values? Soon I’m going to be left alone with these fuckin’ idiots who can’t see that the PKK and the Palestinians are responsible for all the Middle East’s problems.”

At that moment, an excited Levent Gültekin managed to break through the crowd of “fuckin’ idiot” Turkish and Kurdish leftists to ask Arato if he would be interested in having his “insightful” talk printed in Diken, or even in becoming a regular contributor to Diken.

Gültekin also stated: “Look, I admired Zaman. There analysis of fascism and oppression in Turkey was sharp and highly complex. They put forth the theory that the freedom of the press existed in Turkey so long as their own freedoms were not under attack. Fascism also was theorised to emerge at that moment when Today’s Zaman’s editorial staff was no longer free to express their views. Their reporting on Gezi and Kurdistan was also correct and objective.”

“But there’s one key issue: Zaman’s editorial staff won’t drink rakı with me. That’s why I write for Diken, and I hope that Arato will help me out by writing similarly defeatist and pacifist pieces for the English language page of Diken, as I write for the main Turkish page.”

Jürgen Habermas Leads Uprising of the Kurdish Masses Against the Turkish State


AMED/DIYARBEKIR – Worker’s Spatula has obtained exclusive footage from a huge mass rally against the blockade of Sûr, the historical central district of Amed (better known as Diyarbekir). This information could not be verified by our on-the-ground correspondents, who are all “on the other side of the barricades” (so to speak), providing us with exclusive information on the struggle of the Civil Defence Forces (YPS) in a prime example of embedded journalism. However, we are absolutely sure that the white-haired man in the front row of the picture provided above is guerrilla academic Jürgen Habermas.

This explains why Habermas, Germany’s (and in fact, all of Europe’s) foremost public intellectual, has not commented on anything related to Germany or the EU as of late. Given his obnoxious presence in all previous mainstream debates regarding central issues related to Germany and the EU, and the picture above (which we obtained from KurdishQuestion.com), we are forced to conclude that he has secretly joined the Kurdish Liberation Movement and is now seeking to cultivate a larger following by means of armed resistance and mass rallies.

Through our contacts in Turkey, both Kurdish and Albanian, we managed to gain permission to phone the imprisoned leader of the PKK, Abdullah Öcalan, on the island of İmralı to get his reaction to this shocking news. Öcalan, who was apparently engaged in a fierce Texas Hold ‘Em battle with the prison guards when we reached him, first spent several minutes trying to convince us of Urfa’s status as the cradle of human civilisation. After allowing him to finish his rant, which at some point deviated into a diatribe about the superiority of Urfa Kebab to Adana Kebab, we asked him about the Habermas situation.

“Well, I read him,” he informed us, “but there was nothing original in his critiques of Marxism or positivism, both of which are clear examples of plagiarism of my own theoretical output. Pay up, Ahmet. This hand is mine.”

MLPD leader Stefan Engel, main organiser of ICOR, King of Kings, Lord of Lords, Conquering Lion of Judah, Elect of God, the Light of the World, did respond to our text message enquiring as to his reaction on the matter. The first text consisted of nothing but “LOL 😂😂”. About four minutes later we received a second text stating: “Look, if there is one German who has won the right to lead the Kurdish masses and in fact the masses of oppressed around the globe, that is clearly Stefan Engel. Yes, correct, that is myself. Other than that, I appreciate Habermas’s growing radicalisation and, assuming he should give a public self-criticism for deviating from the line of the MLPD, we would potentially be open to considering him as a member of the ranks of the MLPD, maybe, why not.”

“PS: I nearly choked on my Currywurst when you texted me the news. Please warn me in the future, or I will revoke Worker’s Spatula’s ICOR funding.”

Man Who Sees Fascists Everywhere Finally Vindicated


QUEENS, NY – A local man known for his long-term crusade against fascists, real or imagined, finally has seen his views vindicated. “Heterodox economist” and barfly David Mojtahedi, known for untiringly outing potential fascists such as George W. Bush, David Cameron and Billy Joel to no one in particular, was spotted at his local bar pounding the counter and shouting “IT CAN HAPPEN HERE” in a red-faced flop sweat Monday morning.

“Shooting Muslims with bullets dipped in pig’s blood, like, how could anyone claim he’s anything other than a fascist!?” yelled a tired and emotional Mojtahedi. “The guy retweets Mussolini the same day he refuses to denounce the KKK, but nah, he’s just ‘dumb’, RIGHT!?” Mojtahedi continued breathlessly, flailing his hands in the air in a frenzied attempt at air quotes. “Why is it that every time I’m right it’s about the worst fucking thing!? Can you tell me why that is!?” he screamed at the stone-faced bartender as she handed him his sixth beer.

Mojtahedi’s friends remain unconvinced. “I mean, Trump is a very bad man, but I think Dave takes it a little far. I mean, he called the bartender a fascist for refusing to take a dollar bill he’d printed at home with a picture of Malcolm X instead of Washington. It wasn’t even in colour or anything,” said barfly and “petty-bourgeois liberal opportunist” Bob Nardelli.  “He uses all these big political economy terms like ‘oligarchy’. He thinks he really gets the issues just because he’s been studying political economy for a decade, but I’m not sure he does.”

“Dave is really unfair. He calls Trump a fascist but doesn’t get that he’s just one of the guys, having fun. He might be a bit naughty, but what’s the harm in that? We don’t always have to be politically correct.”

“He’ll never be elected, and it’s not like Muslims or blacks [sic] are getting shot. If you ask me, the real danger comes from people like Dave. Both sides have their extremists, but he’s the one who wants to turn this country into Cuba.” When asked who he would be voting for, Nardelli responded that he “like[s] Bernie Sanders, but [will] be voting for Hillary because she knows what she’s doing.”

Mojtahedi was approached for comment, but instead lit a cigarette and wept almost silently, occasionally repeating the phrase “war of position”.