QUEENS, NY – A local man known for his long-term crusade against fascists, real or imagined, finally has seen his views vindicated. “Heterodox economist” and barfly David Mojtahedi, known for untiringly outing potential fascists such as George W. Bush, David Cameron and Billy Joel to no one in particular, was spotted at his local bar pounding the counter and shouting “IT CAN HAPPEN HERE” in a red-faced flop sweat Monday morning.
“Shooting Muslims with bullets dipped in pig’s blood, like, how could anyone claim he’s anything other than a fascist!?” yelled a tired and emotional Mojtahedi. “The guy retweets Mussolini the same day he refuses to denounce the KKK, but nah, he’s just ‘dumb’, RIGHT!?” Mojtahedi continued breathlessly, flailing his hands in the air in a frenzied attempt at air quotes. “Why is it that every time I’m right it’s about the worst fucking thing!? Can you tell me why that is!?” he screamed at the stone-faced bartender as she handed him his sixth beer.
Mojtahedi’s friends remain unconvinced. “I mean, Trump is a very bad man, but I think Dave takes it a little far. I mean, he called the bartender a fascist for refusing to take a dollar bill he’d printed at home with a picture of Malcolm X instead of Washington. It wasn’t even in colour or anything,” said barfly and “petty-bourgeois liberal opportunist” Bob Nardelli. “He uses all these big political economy terms like ‘oligarchy’. He thinks he really gets the issues just because he’s been studying political economy for a decade, but I’m not sure he does.”
“Dave is really unfair. He calls Trump a fascist but doesn’t get that he’s just one of the guys, having fun. He might be a bit naughty, but what’s the harm in that? We don’t always have to be politically correct.”
“He’ll never be elected, and it’s not like Muslims or blacks [sic] are getting shot. If you ask me, the real danger comes from people like Dave. Both sides have their extremists, but he’s the one who wants to turn this country into Cuba.” When asked who he would be voting for, Nardelli responded that he “like[s] Bernie Sanders, but [will] be voting for Hillary because she knows what she’s doing.”
Mojtahedi was approached for comment, but instead lit a cigarette and wept almost silently, occasionally repeating the phrase “war of position”.