AMED/DIYARBEKIR – Worker’s Spatula has obtained exclusive footage from a huge mass rally against the blockade of Sûr, the historical central district of Amed (better known as Diyarbekir). This information could not be verified by our on-the-ground correspondents, who are all “on the other side of the barricades” (so to speak), providing us with exclusive information on the struggle of the Civil Defence Forces (YPS) in a prime example of embedded journalism. However, we are absolutely sure that the white-haired man in the front row of the picture provided above is guerrilla academic Jürgen Habermas.
This explains why Habermas, Germany’s (and in fact, all of Europe’s) foremost public intellectual, has not commented on anything related to Germany or the EU as of late. Given his obnoxious presence in all previous mainstream debates regarding central issues related to Germany and the EU, and the picture above (which we obtained from KurdishQuestion.com), we are forced to conclude that he has secretly joined the Kurdish Liberation Movement and is now seeking to cultivate a larger following by means of armed resistance and mass rallies.
Through our contacts in Turkey, both Kurdish and Albanian, we managed to gain permission to phone the imprisoned leader of the PKK, Abdullah Öcalan, on the island of İmralı to get his reaction to this shocking news. Öcalan, who was apparently engaged in a fierce Texas Hold ‘Em battle with the prison guards when we reached him, first spent several minutes trying to convince us of Urfa’s status as the cradle of human civilisation. After allowing him to finish his rant, which at some point deviated into a diatribe about the superiority of Urfa Kebab to Adana Kebab, we asked him about the Habermas situation.
“Well, I read him,” he informed us, “but there was nothing original in his critiques of Marxism or positivism, both of which are clear examples of plagiarism of my own theoretical output. Pay up, Ahmet. This hand is mine.”
MLPD leader Stefan Engel, main organiser of ICOR, King of Kings, Lord of Lords, Conquering Lion of Judah, Elect of God, the Light of the World, did respond to our text message enquiring as to his reaction on the matter. The first text consisted of nothing but “LOL 😂😂”. About four minutes later we received a second text stating: “Look, if there is one German who has won the right to lead the Kurdish masses and in fact the masses of oppressed around the globe, that is clearly Stefan Engel. Yes, correct, that is myself. Other than that, I appreciate Habermas’s growing radicalisation and, assuming he should give a public self-criticism for deviating from the line of the MLPD, we would potentially be open to considering him as a member of the ranks of the MLPD, maybe, why not.”
“PS: I nearly choked on my Currywurst when you texted me the news. Please warn me in the future, or I will revoke Worker’s Spatula’s ICOR funding.”