“DOES THE CELL NOT DIVIDE?!” Dialectical Conflict Rocks Worker’s Spatula

cell-division

NABLUS, WEST BANK – Two Worker’s Spatula correspondents on a good will mission to the West Bank have descended into bickering which resulted in their being kicked out of the unit they were travelling with, leaving them stranded in Khirbet Tana.

“Fucking Worker’s Spatula,” spat their comrade Ibrahim as he kicked them out of the jeep. “Go argue about dialectics among yourselves and leave us out of it.”

“How can you say that two unites into one? Where would all the divisions come from if the universal dialectical trend was unity?” asked [REDACTED 1], continuing the argument that got them kicked out of the jeep moments prior.

“Maybe they just haven’t resolved yet. Like, we’re moving towards unity, we used to have aristocracy, but it undergoes fusion with the bourgeoisie, and in socialism, we’ll just…”

“Genosseciğim, do you even… do you just not see how metaphysical you sound right now? So how did class divisions arise in the first place?”

“I dunno, they just…”

“‘I DUNNO! THEY JUST!'” shrieked [REDACTED 1] mockingly, “YOLDAŞ: THE CELL. IT DIVIDES. ONE DIVIDES INTO TWO. ONE DIVIDES INTO TWO.”

“But…”

“DOES THE CELL NOT DIVIDE?! DOES THE CELL NOT DIVIDE?!”

“Cells divide!” responded an exasperated [REDACTED 2]. “But if everything is always dividing and dividing, how do we ever achieve unity? How do we form a single organisation?”

“Oh, WE don’t!” retorted [REDACTED 1]. “You’re out! No more Worker’s Spatula for you! We had ONE organisation, now we DIVIDED INTO TWO, and you can go start your own Marxist-Leninist satirical site.”

“But…” said a teary-eyed [REDACTED 2].

“You heard me! Go start your undialectical and revisionist fucking satire page, where one doesn’t divide into two! You can go unite with yourself!”

At press time, one had indeed divided into two.

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