NUS… or Nu-IS?


Guest author Hatton Sockwell of Trotskyites’ Freedom League writes:

The National Union of Students (NUS) is unquestionably the most powerful democratic body in Britain.

Indeed, it may well be the only democratic body in Britain, given it is the only body to which TFL members, the true bearers of the spirit of the masses, have been elected.

The NUS, whether it gathers at Wolverhampton, Dudley, or Birmingham, serves as a crucial bellwether for the state of Britain. Whenever it meets, millions of ordinary Britons follow its every decision through modern media coverage that beams every crucial twist of compositing and every speech by every university disabilities officer into their homes and minds.

Yet this bastion of democratic democracy has inexplicably elected a Manchurian Candidate — or should I say, Raqqa-ian Candidate? — whose very continued existence threatens the foundations of the institution itself.

Yes, on the surface Malia Bouattia may seem young, female, attractive, successful, left-wing, committed to reducing/abolishing student tuition fees, a strong campaigner against racism and a friend of the worker and ordinary student. But underneath her visage lies the pestilence of anti-Zionism.

Bouattia is on record telling newspapers that the destruction of Palestinians’ houses in clumsy collective punishment measures are “bad”, that the media coverage of Israel/Palestine was “biased” and that the glorious 2006 invasion of Lebanon was “not my cup of tea”.

Without wanting to cast aspersions on anyone due to their ethno-religious background, it would be foolish to ignore the fact that Malia’s family not only share a religion with ISIS, but also came from one of the continents on which ISIS have a foothold.

This would also be a good time to remind readers that ISIS pose an enormous threat to the Middle East, often issuing statements critical of Israel themselves.

So the NUS can go on playing three monkeys while this proto-Galloway continues to amass power and harrass Jewish students with threats of BDS. Its beleaguered membership can continue toiling for the cause of Islamofascism cloaked in the garb of reasonable representation for students in public life. We can watch as LGBT delegates are thrown off municipal car parks and sharia law instituted, with morality police hanging around on street corners to confiscate our bacon butties.

Or we can wait until the next leadership election and elect another Wes Streeting.


World’s Most Notorious Coffee Table Artist Apprehended


İSTANBUL – Notorious coffee table book artist Banksy was apprehended midway through his latest piece on a wall in Istanbul last night. His trial at the Hague is expected to begin sometime in late 2016.

Banksy’s principal mistake appears to have been trusting the DHKP-C to cover his position while he worked. Rather than establishing a secure network throughout the area to signal when it was time to hide, the masked men of the DHKP-C simply waited until the police entered the area, before beginning to fire at random whilst bellowing: “YAŞASIN BANKSY, KAHROLSUN AMERİKA” in that annoying way that Turks chant at protests.

The piece, which was to take up the entirety of two corner walls of a vacant lot with letters at least two metres high, consisted primarily of the words “ALIŞVERİŞ KÖTÜDÜR” (“SHOPPING IS BAD”), and included stencils of anthropomorphic pigs in gas masks purchasing non-anthropomorphic pigs in gas masks outside of a mosque in what appeared to be a city in China.

US Secretary of State John Kerry called an emergency press conference, at which he largely articulated the views expected from a state organ of the chief imperialist country on Earth: “I don’t think I need to stress what an important capture this is. We can all rest easier tonight. I would like to thank our democratic allies in democratic Turkey for taking time out of their busy schedule of killing terroristic Kurdish children to capture Banksy, whose stencil art has created an environment of chaos and fear for the authorities all across the free world.

“Wherever Banksy’s work is seen, police officers clutch their weapons more tightly, knowing that his revolutionary message of vague dissatisfaction with capitalism was turning every passerby on the street and their mum into a violent insurgent bent on the overthrow of the capitalist state.

“Seriously, Banksy, you scared us so much. It’s off to the Hague with you now, where you can terrorise us no more.”

*Image stolen from demi adejuyigbe.

Humourless Marxist Reviews: The Peace & Truce of Future of the Left


Ever since frontman Andrew Falkous publicly joined the NCP, Marxist-Leninists across the UK have been curious how this new political commitment would affect the music and lyrics of Wales’s second most famous English language musical act (after the Goldie Lookin’ Chain, who, as is known, are mostly Maoists affiliated with Yr Aflonyddwch Mawr).

Musically “the Peace and Truce of Future of the Left” is a very strong album, like all of Future of the Left’s output. The tracks are short in duration and minimalist in character, as is only fitting given the band’s “punk” roots, but each track still manages to sound distinctive and textured. Subjectively, this album is better than “How To Stop Your Brain In An Accident”. Objectively, the conditions are not yet ripe for proletarian revolution in any part of Britain, owing in no small part to the imperialist extraction of superprofits.

Lyrically, there are surprisingly few references to class struggle in Britain OR the international situation. While “the Limits of Battleship” is clearly about illegal professional revolutionary work, his need to protect his party’s secrets clearly prevent this track from reaching its full potential.

Falco’s new life as a professional revolutionary has meant that much of Falco’s legendary writing skills have been rerouted to party work, and his lyric-writing is caught between his new need to practise democratic centralism and not contradict the party line and his artistic desire to comment on politics in a humorous and free associative fashion as exemplified on such classic Future of the Left tracks as “Failed Olympic Bid”, “the Lord Hates a Coward”, and “Stalin Is My Mate, We Go Out For Beers And That”.

Best songs: “the Limits of Battleships”, “Reference Point Zero”, “White Privilege Blues”.

Worst songs: “Piano Man” by Billy Joel, “God Save the Queen”, you know, that anthem that tossers sing.

Trots to Somehow Fuck This Up Too


PARIS – In a country with the industrial proletariat which supposedly could’ve saved the Soviet Union from “Stalinism”, where apparently 10% of the country votes for Trotskyists in presidential elections, and labour politics causing large-scale clashes with the police in the streets, Trotskyists will still somehow fail to accomplish one fucking revolution in France, a country with a relatively positive attitude towards the concept of “revolution” in the first place, sources close to Worker’s Spatula report.

“To be fair,” explained our comrade “Saïd”, a student activist and professional cynic, “nobody’s really accomplished any revolutions in a while now. But these are pretty much the only conditions the Trotskyists could ever hope to leverage into victory, so if they fuck this up…”

“Well… nothing I guess. They’re going to fuck this up too, and then they’re going to blame each other, and ‘Stalinism’, of course. And then who’s gonna save us? The OCML-PV?”

“Fuck France”, he concluded.

Iranian Diaspora Sip Barolo, Reaffirm Uselessness of People in Iran


BEVERLY HEEL, KAWLIFORNIYAW – The smell of cologne wafted over Southern California today as over 75 “opposition” Iranian-Americans gathered Friday night at the house of engineer, restaurateur, rug merchant and legitimate businessman Majid Hosseini to discuss the state of Iran today. Sipping on fine Piedmontese Barolo (expertly paired with qorme sabzi), the walking advertisements for Gucci discussed the potential for political upheaval in the Southwest Asian (but actually quite “vestorn”, because they are “Aryans”, you see) country which might allow for their triumphant return to the mamlakat.

Throughout the evening, truisms about the oppressive nature of the regime and the unwillingness of the Iranian people to lift a finger to liberate themselves were repeated. “All the mollahs are donkeys!” shouted “Doktor” Hosseini as the other 74 members of the group nodded along to his trailblazing and wholly original analysis. “Not a single country in the world is more oppressed and in need of liberation than Iran.”

“I just got back from Tehran, and you can see how everyone is obsessed with consumption and chasing after an elite lifestyle rather than thinking about the future,” pontificated “Doktor” Hosseini’s friend and  dentist, restaurateur, rug merchant and legitimate businessman Ahmad Akbarzadeh, while adjusting his blue silk shirt. “By the way, Armani is having a sample sale this weekend,” he added, to riotous applause.

His wife, Goli Akbarzadeh, programmer, restaurateur, rug merchant and legitimate businesswoman, concurred: “As long as people keep being distracted by things that don’t fundamentally matter, these donkey mollahs will keep running the country.”

Her friend from UCLA, Farideh Zamani, paused from liking selfies she had taken of herself during a shopping expedition earlier that day on Facebook to disagree: “You forget that these mollahs are such donkeys that they don’t even know how to run a country properly. I know. I went to Iran last month for my cousin’s wedding.” The lawyer, restaurateur, rug merchant and legitimate businesswoman rose above the table, propped up by her six-inch stilettos, before adding: “It’s all because of religion. They should bring back the Shah. He was a great leader who really got secularism, just like Kamawl Atatork. If he hadn’t left, we’d be just like Torkey right now.”

The sole dissenting opinion was provided by Rojin Kelhuri, a keffiyeh-clad PhD student in political science and avid reader of Worker’s Spatula, who had accidentally responded to the Facebook event invitation and had to attend based on shame alone. “The only way forward is to mobilise the workers and the oppressed in Iran in militant struggle. Not all the people in Iran are bourgeois professionals who can afford to fly back and forth from the country and pontificate on its idealised potential while not engaging in the concrete conditions.”

A tense silence covered the rest of the table as the disturbingly non-Tehrani opinions kept coming: “Iran is full of Afghan construction workers, Kurdish kids who get executed for nothing more than expressing their opinions, and the Baloch who still have to suffer from malaria in a country posting 8% economic growth! Militancy and mobilisation are the only way forward, whether in Iran or right here in LA! You’re all cut off from reality, and that’s why you admire the fascist Turkish state.”

“Stop acting the Kord!” shouted “Doktor” Hosseini, “it’s always got to be about DOING something with you people. How much time do you think people have? And besides, those Afghans leave their country because Iran is the greatest country in the world – something you Kords don’t understand because you’re too busy with your smuggling and your raised fists and your PJAK.”

At press time, Kelhuri excused himself as the topic turned to the apparent laziness of “de belacks”, as evidenced by the generally lower socio-economic position compared to Iranian Americans in spite of the latter’s recent immigrant status and inferior ability to “espeak Eengleesh”.