John McDonnell Armed

McDonnellArmed

LONDON – At this point Worker’s Spatula can confirm at least one of the rumours: It seems that the Shadow Chancellor has succeeded in obtaining his much needed arms and is frequently to be seen and heard practising firing them at his homemade shooting range.

No confirmation yet on his involvement in the shootings in Parliament Square or St. James’s Gardens, which left three Metropolitan Police officers dead.

Attempts by Worker’s Spatula correspondents to obtain information from Jeremy Corbyn’s Islington bunker met with mixed results. Corbyn refused to respond to any questions about alleged armed actions by the MP for Hayes and Harlington, but he was quite open about theoretical and practical disagreements within the Labour Left.

“John and I have been so close for a long time. But lately he’s been losing patience with my struggle against the revisionists in the Labour Party. He says they’ve got all the money and power, and we should accept that there’s no difference between the Labour Party and any other bourgeois party at this point.

“Lately I never see him reading the Four Classics of Marxism-Leninism, but he’s always got a copy of Mao’s Little Red Book on him, even when he’s not using it as a prop.

“He says what we have to do is ‘move among the masses like a fish moves in the water’.”

At time of press, hundreds of thousands of armed men and women in donkey jackets and John McDonnell masks were advancing on Parliament from all over London.

“Still not revolutionary enough,” a spokesman for the CPGB-ML told Worker’s Spatula.

Humourless Marxist Reviews: Radiohead (A Moon Shaped Pool)

MoonShapedPool

Radiohead, for those of you who were too busy reading about dialectics to keep up on the latest in pop culture, are a pop group from England, better known as the shit country next to Wales.

As England has a reputation for an inferior music scene to the one in Wales, it may surprise readers to see Worker’s Spatula, ICOR’s favourite news source, wasting its time analysing the work of some trendy English boy group instead of writing a piece on Super Furry Animals and the national question. This is even more curious given that Thom Yorke is not even very cute as compared to, say, Damon Albarn, the other famous alienated English boy band frontman.

The reason of course, is that Radiohead are all Posadists.

As the only Posadists to capture international attention, it’s worth analysing Radiohead’s lyrics to try to gain a deeper understanding about what role Posadism can play in the communist movement today. Radiohead does not disappoint, with Thom Yorke crooning over textured guitars and droning computer noises the expected Posadist response to the current international situation:

I’m really quite glad North Korea has the bomb
I believe and hope that they intend to use it
Bomb us to full communism
Ah ah ah ah ah

It’s good to know that Posadists uphold the correct line on North Korea in the absence of the Soviet Union, even if they do it in that weird bellicose way that Trotskyists and Maoists are known to talk. Other lyrics reveal other classic Posadist fixations:

I am a sad man under capitalism
But the spacemen and the dolphins
Are gonna take the bad feeling away
Oh yeah

On another song, “I Wanna Be An Amoeba”, Yorke shrieks over jangling guitars:

No more, no more, no more, no more
No more miserable, abominable sexual excitement
I wanna be an amoeba
And never be excited again

Sure Thom, I mean, me too. We all feel that way sometimes. But I don’t imagine we’ll be able to abandon sexuality until a quite advanced stage of socialism, as much as we might wish it.

The obvious shortcoming to the album, like all of Radiohead’s oeuvre, is that in spite of doing quite an admirable job of expressing the ubiquitous alienation under capitalism, it fails to contain any explicit calls to organise the proletarian masses. On the other hand, there’s some cool drumming.

Best song: “Anyone Can Play Guitar”

Worst songs: “Creep”, “Piano Man” by Billy Joel

Plaid Cymru Kî ne?

KurdistanWales

BANGOR, WÊLZ – Îro em di cîhaneke pir xeternak de dijîn. Dema dewleta faşîst a Tirk êrîş dike li ser gelê Kurd û li ser îradeya siyasî ya hemû hêzên pêşverû yên Anatoliya û Mezopotamyayê, gelên Birîtaniya jî tê dikoşin li hemberî hêzên faşîst ên David Cameron, serokwezîrê Birîtaniyayê ku birazek niya.

Ji ber ku piştgirî bi Îrlendiyan re îşê Filistîniyan e, divê Worker’s Spatula piştgirî navbera gelên Kurd û Wêlzî bilind bike.

A rastî, ji aliyê Wêlzî piştgiriya bi gelê Kurd re normal bû. Hevalên me yên Kurd in ku hê nizanin Wêlzî kî ne. Di Wêlzê de gelek Qomunîst hene, bi taybetî ji Partiya Qomunîst a Birîtaniyayê, CPB. CPB mîna TKEP/L ye, lê selehên wan tune. Di rojnameya CPBê, “Morning Star” (bi Kurdî “Ferec”*), gelek meqaleyên li ser mezinahiya têkoşîna PYD li hemberî çeteyên DEÎŞ hatine nivîsîn.

Li gundên Wêlzî, komeke Maoîst a pir piçûk heye, bi navê Yr Aflonddwch Mawr. Bi Wêlzî wateya vî navî heye, lê em nizanin çi ye, çimkî me nikaribû Ferhengeke Kurdî-Wêlzî bibînin. Bi kurtî û Kurmancî, Yr Aflonddwch Mawr ji Îbrahîm Kaypakkaya hez dikin, loma ew jî ji bo gelê Kurd baş in.

Îsal li hilbijartinên Birîtanî, li gorî hilbijartinên paşerojê, bêhtir Wêlziyan Plaid Cymru hilbijart. Ev girîng e, çimkî Plaid Cymru PKK ya Wêlziyan e, û em hêvîdar in ku li pêşerojê Wêlz ji Birîtaniyayê derkeve. Dema kantonên Wêlzê hatine avakirin, hereketa Kurdî dikare selehan ji wan bikirin ji bo têkoşîna li hemberî dewletên kedxwar.

Karker û gelên bindest ên cîhanê, hevgirin!

*Navê rojnameya “Morning Star” ji bo koma metal a Kurdî bi heman navî hat hilbijartin, û rojnamevanên “Morning Star”, heman wekî rojnamevanên Worker’s Spatula, her guhdariya muzîka Ferec’ê dikin.

Sanders Preparing Supporters for Armed Struggle

Guesandra

PHILADELPHIA – Following Ted Cruz and John Kasich’s withdrawal from the Republican primary leaving Trump as the de facto Republican candidate, US observers had nearly unanimously predicted that Bernie Sanders would follow suit and announce his withdrawal to allow Hillary Clinton to focus on the general election.

However, exclusive information obtained by Worker’s Spatula correspondents shows that Sanders and his team are secretly forming armed militias all over the country. It seems that a particular focus is to be put on Philadelphia, where the national convention of the Democratic Party will be held in July.

“Sanders has purchased several crates of flamethrowers,” a source informed us. “You know why.”

We spoke with a Sanders supporter who had signed up for the armed insurrection against the Democratic Party elite, who understandably spoke to us on condition of anonymity. He is a “Bookchinite anarchist” from Maine and chose ‘Serhildan Şoreş’ as his nom de guerre.

“It was a natural fit for me, politically. I had always said that New Hampshire was like the Kobanê of New England, and soon the Bern is gonna give us the chance to turn New England into Rojava for real.

“Washington is a moloch that needs to be destroyed. Just like Ankara, Baghdad, Tehran and Damascus. We will establish a system of cantons and each state will become a canton with self rule and democratic autonomy.

“Except for Florida, which will be separated from the rest of the federation with a wall built by an able builder until climate change and rising sea levels take care of the problem.”

‘Serhildan Şoreş’ ended our interview thus: “I read in a book by Serok Öcalan that Che Guevara once said: ‘Make two, three, a thousand cantons. That is just what I intend to do, and why I supported Sanders in the first place.”

Other inside sources reported diverse motivations for taking up armed struggle. We spoke to a woman who wanted to assassinate Bill Clinton, apparently because he had sexually harassed her. We feel comfortable in relaying this information on the grounds that she cannot possibly be identified among the ten thousand or more victims of Bill Clinton’s harassment.

As a side note, bourgeois feminists insist that you vote for Hillary Clinton, who unhesitatingly defended her husband in spite of his obvious guilt, on feminist grounds.

Various Maoist groups around the US have also responded positively to the announcement of armed struggle. ‘Ka Michael’ from New York spoke to us: “We obviously could never support Sanders, or anyone else in the world, if he wasn’t advocating immediate armed uprising against reactionaries. But conversely, we can now support Sanders, or literally anyone else in the world, who does.”

He then opened up his book bag, which had a Cultural Revolution slogan printed on the side in English, and took out several copies of ‘the little red book’ and began chucking it into our correspondent’s face, before marching into the street alone shouting slogans about “Bernie’s people’s war”.

Worker’s Spatula Readers to Spend May 1st Indoors

BadMeme

EAST LONDON, SOUTH AFRICA – Reports are flooding in from locations as diverse as Melbourne and Dublin that the vast majority of Worker’s Spatula readers intend to not leave the house on May 1st, better known as International Workers’ Day, or as it is popularly known in Turkish: Kızıl Kandil.

Estimates have it that 65% of Worker’s Spatula readers laughed at the ICFI’s intention to host an “online rally” for May Day despite themselves having no intentions to attend any rally in real life or even online.

72% of Worker’s Spatula readers are expected to make twice as many memes involving dead anti-revisionists than on an average day, but also twice as many memes as they intend to interact with members of the proletariat, the all-the-way revolutionary class they theoretically intend to lead to victory some day.

28% of Worker’s Spatula readers will make another attempt at learning the Internationale in their own language, or a folk song in Russian, 100% of which will be unsuccessful.

Fully 8% of Worker’s Spatula readers will actually attend a march at all, of whom 25% are expected to spend more time on their smart phones than yelling slogans or doing any other actual red business.

None of Worker’s Spatula’s US readers belong to an organisation that can take part at all, and not just because the ROL doesn’t admit it has any members and doesn’t do anything publicly under its own name.

100% of Turkish readers are expected to march even though it’s borderline illegal and quite dangerous, and yet you’re still reading this.