Worker’s Spatula Readers to Spend May 1st Indoors


EAST LONDON, SOUTH AFRICA – Reports are flooding in from locations as diverse as Melbourne and Dublin that the vast majority of Worker’s Spatula readers intend to not leave the house on May 1st, better known as International Workers’ Day, or as it is popularly known in Turkish: Kızıl Kandil.

Estimates have it that 65% of Worker’s Spatula readers laughed at the ICFI’s intention to host an “online rally” for May Day despite themselves having no intentions to attend any rally in real life or even online.

72% of Worker’s Spatula readers are expected to make twice as many memes involving dead anti-revisionists than on an average day, but also twice as many memes as they intend to interact with members of the proletariat, the all-the-way revolutionary class they theoretically intend to lead to victory some day.

28% of Worker’s Spatula readers will make another attempt at learning the Internationale in their own language, or a folk song in Russian, 100% of which will be unsuccessful.

Fully 8% of Worker’s Spatula readers will actually attend a march at all, of whom 25% are expected to spend more time on their smart phones than yelling slogans or doing any other actual red business.

None of Worker’s Spatula’s US readers belong to an organisation that can take part at all, and not just because the ROL doesn’t admit it has any members and doesn’t do anything publicly under its own name.

100% of Turkish readers are expected to march even though it’s borderline illegal and quite dangerous, and yet you’re still reading this.

7 thoughts on “Worker’s Spatula Readers to Spend May 1st Indoors

  1. Many Turkish leftists (following the lead of the Kurdish Liberation Movement and criticised by some of them) accepted Bakırköy in the place of Taksim. This opportunism meant that this year the Turkish left was not displaying as much bravery as usual in taking part in May 1st, but you’re right that unlike half of the US “communists” I know, even most Turkish left liberals I know attended a May 1st rally.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. A Reader

      I think part of the issue there is that very few rallies take place in America, particularly in smaller cities like mine. Someone like me would either have to drive many miles to a large city in order to participate, assuming that they’ve actually heard of any rallies in nearby major cities, or would have to organize one themselves. I’m not in the best position to start organizing, but I’ll start making an effort once I head off to university in a few months. Hopefully IYSSE won’t sabotage my efforts.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I certainly sympathise, and believe me, that is a problem outside of major cities in other countries as well. Sadly, the US “communists” I know live in massive cities like New York and Chicago but simply “didn’t want to go out” (despite spending the rest of the year posting academic Marxist drivel on the internet).

        Marching is an “ultra left deviation”, I suppose.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. A Reader

        Do you yourself live in Turkey? Are you involved with organizing over there? I’m asking because I’d like to start organizing non-sectarian reading groups in my future university’s area, so that we can avoid the influence of the few pathetic sects that operate in the area, but I’ve never even participated in that kind of thing before.


      3. I am currently “between places”. As for reading groups, have you checked to see if there is aleady a Marxist reading group of some sort at your future university itself? Often there will be, and it’s not my experience that university reading groups are especially sectarian, and it wouldn’t make much sense for them to be. In my view reading group is the ideal place to do the housekeeping of making people read Hegel, Marx, Engels, and Lenin, which the overwhelming majority of Marxist sects agree on (and those that don’t agree on Lenin generally want to read him alongside Marx to expose the differences). Further, if some Stalin or Trotsky work gets read, people are expected to actually read it for its content: In England, which is a veritable fortress of Trotskyism, people are expected to read “Marxism and the National Question”, while claiming of course that Stalin was not the genuine author (because Trotsky said so). In Turkey, which is to “Stalinism” what England is to Trotskyism, recently everyone read “Learn To Think” in connection with the Kurdish liberation struggle in Syria, and in general pro-Kurdish “Stalinists” quoted it approvingly afterwards.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. A Reader

        There’s only one, and it happens to be run by the Socialist Equality Party’s youth wing, IYSSE. I have not gone to any of their sessions, but I established contact with them in person, attended their recent online rally, and did a bit of research on them, and I have no faith in their organization or their reading group. A local contact in the Bay Area also warned me that they and groups like them use reading groups as a means of converting others to the viewpoint of their organization, so I am reluctant to even use their group as a recruitment base.

        That being said, I would like to discuss these matters further with you and keep in contact. It’s not often that one meets someone like you. If you’re interested, then please email me at I’ll give you my real email and other bits of personal information that I’d rather not have floating around the internet afterwards.


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