PHILADELPHIA – Following Ted Cruz and John Kasich’s withdrawal from the Republican primary leaving Trump as the de facto Republican candidate, US observers had nearly unanimously predicted that Bernie Sanders would follow suit and announce his withdrawal to allow Hillary Clinton to focus on the general election.
However, exclusive information obtained by Worker’s Spatula correspondents shows that Sanders and his team are secretly forming armed militias all over the country. It seems that a particular focus is to be put on Philadelphia, where the national convention of the Democratic Party will be held in July.
“Sanders has purchased several crates of flamethrowers,” a source informed us. “You know why.”
We spoke with a Sanders supporter who had signed up for the armed insurrection against the Democratic Party elite, who understandably spoke to us on condition of anonymity. He is a “Bookchinite anarchist” from Maine and chose ‘Serhildan Şoreş’ as his nom de guerre.
“It was a natural fit for me, politically. I had always said that New Hampshire was like the Kobanê of New England, and soon the Bern is gonna give us the chance to turn New England into Rojava for real.
“Washington is a moloch that needs to be destroyed. Just like Ankara, Baghdad, Tehran and Damascus. We will establish a system of cantons and each state will become a canton with self rule and democratic autonomy.
“Except for Florida, which will be separated from the rest of the federation with a wall built by an able builder until climate change and rising sea levels take care of the problem.”
‘Serhildan Şoreş’ ended our interview thus: “I read in a book by Serok Öcalan that Che Guevara once said: ‘Make two, three, a thousand cantons. That is just what I intend to do, and why I supported Sanders in the first place.”
Other inside sources reported diverse motivations for taking up armed struggle. We spoke to a woman who wanted to assassinate Bill Clinton, apparently because he had sexually harassed her. We feel comfortable in relaying this information on the grounds that she cannot possibly be identified among the ten thousand or more victims of Bill Clinton’s harassment.
As a side note, bourgeois feminists insist that you vote for Hillary Clinton, who unhesitatingly defended her husband in spite of his obvious guilt, on feminist grounds.
Various Maoist groups around the US have also responded positively to the announcement of armed struggle. ‘Ka Michael’ from New York spoke to us: “We obviously could never support Sanders, or anyone else in the world, if he wasn’t advocating immediate armed uprising against reactionaries. But conversely, we can now support Sanders, or literally anyone else in the world, who does.”
He then opened up his book bag, which had a Cultural Revolution slogan printed on the side in English, and took out several copies of ‘the little red book’ and began chucking it into our correspondent’s face, before marching into the street alone shouting slogans about “Bernie’s people’s war”.