LONDON – At this point Worker’s Spatula can confirm at least one of the rumours: It seems that the Shadow Chancellor has succeeded in obtaining his much needed arms and is frequently to be seen and heard practising firing them at his homemade shooting range.
No confirmation yet on his involvement in the shootings in Parliament Square or St. James’s Gardens, which left three Metropolitan Police officers dead.
Attempts by Worker’s Spatula correspondents to obtain information from Jeremy Corbyn’s Islington bunker met with mixed results. Corbyn refused to respond to any questions about alleged armed actions by the MP for Hayes and Harlington, but he was quite open about theoretical and practical disagreements within the Labour Left.
“John and I have been so close for a long time. But lately he’s been losing patience with my struggle against the revisionists in the Labour Party. He says they’ve got all the money and power, and we should accept that there’s no difference between the Labour Party and any other bourgeois party at this point.
“Lately I never see him reading the Four Classics of Marxism-Leninism, but he’s always got a copy of Mao’s Little Red Book on him, even when he’s not using it as a prop.
“He says what we have to do is ‘move among the masses like a fish moves in the water’.”
At time of press, hundreds of thousands of armed men and women in donkey jackets and John McDonnell masks were advancing on Parliament from all over London.
“Still not revolutionary enough,” a spokesman for the CPGB-ML told Worker’s Spatula.