Worker’s Spatula Going Underground for Corbyn

RedLondon

LONDON – Announcing that “armed struggle” had to take priority over journalistic work, all Worker’s Spatula correspondents in England have announced that the time has come to go “full Mahir Çayan” in defence of Jeremy Corbyn, the embattled ICOR-affiliated leader of the Party of Labour.

German elements within Worker’s Spatula declared London correspondents in particular to be “adventurist” on account of the latter’s decision to purchase Armalites so they might join Red London “in the trenches”. The joint Worker’s Spatula/Red London “tabur” responded by declaring the comrades from Hambeug to have “descended to the low and opportunist level of Hikmet Kıvılcımlı”, leading to the exchange of a multilingual pastiche of obscenity.

With English Worker’s Spatula correspondents no longer responding to any of our attempts to reach them, we have had difficulty piecing together developments in London. Mainstream news sources are having difficulty providing accurate information in light of the ongoing urban guerrilla warfare. The following information all comes from our lone Scottish correspondent, and may be inaccurate owing both to the aforementioned difficulties in getting information out of England in general and London in particular, and due to the incomprehensible speech of the Scottish.

“From what we can gather, John Mann has allied himself with Hilary Benn, as they’re both very angry at Corbyn for taking the wrong position on the Brexit thing. Their initial strategy was to weaken Corbyn by removing all his enemies from the shadow cabinet, but rumour has it they’ve changed tactics now that Red London has hailed this as a ‘brilliantly timed purge’ by ‘Comrade Jeremy Jezzarionovich Stalin’.

“Their new tactic appears to be attempting to wreck the party from within using a sycophantic Trotsky-like figure. We suspect this may be Simon Danczuk, who reportedly claims he wants to get close to Corbyn as he is impressed with his ‘strong appeal among young people’.”

At press time, our Welsh correspondents had fled into the hills to join Yr Aflonddwch Mawr’s “people’s war”.

“Cops are Workers” Programme a Roaring Success

Workers

CHICAGO – Finally taking heed to the sage advice given by many reasonable, bourgeois, disproportionately white leftists, Marxists in the US have decided to start actively working to organise the police, as they are just workers, you see.

“Excuse me,” said Eric Cohen of the Spartacist League, as he stepped up to the front desk in the Cicero Police Department. “Have you considered the degenerated workers’ state in North Korea’s right to nuclear weapons?”

Forty-seven minutes later, Cohen walked out of the office, having sold seven newspapers and three subscriptions.

“What can I say?” said “new recruit” to the Permanent Revolution Officer O’Brien. “He was very persuasive. I hadn’t considered how we cops are being exploited, and how we are entitled to all the value produced by our labour of murdering black children.”

“Death to Yankee imperialism!” added his colleague, Officer Johnson.

On the south side, FRSO member Malcolm Jackson was being interviewed by the local Worker’s Spatula correspondent as he was brutally beaten by Chicago Police Officer King.

“In a sense, Officer King here is also a victim of the system. He’s also being exploited by the capitalist class as he beats me with this baton you see here,” Jackson explained, his fist raised defiantly in the air as Officer King mercilessly rained down blow after blow on his head.

Asked how successful he found the programme to be, Officer King smiled broadly and said: “Very successful. I really feel like my eyes have been opened now. Me and a few other guys from the Fraternal Order of Police, Lodge 7, are going on strike next week. We demand much higher wages to brutalise no-good troublemakers like this piece of shit here.”

Timeline: The English Road to Socialism

StalinCorbyn

June 2016: EU vote, PM Cameron resigns, retires to his pig farm in the Cotswalds

September 2016: Illuminati appoint Boris Johnson PM, Labour Right blame Corbyn for failing to secure the position

November 2016: Britain officially in recession, chip butty inflation reaches 8 quid a barm, Corbyn blamed

January 2017: Nigel Farage assassinated, a joke about ale goes here

June 2017: Second Scottish referendum sees Scotland secede, confused Ulster Unionists lose track of which direction their enemies are, are led into Éire Nua without even realising it, triggering PM Johnson’s resignation and a new general election

September 2017: Corbyn elected PM, widely criticised by Labour Right for this extremist act which threatens Labour’s electability

October 2017: PM Corbyn promises freedom for Wales, “killing fields” for Tories

November 2017: Worker’s Spatula England begins daily print edition, all other publications in England banned

December 2017: Beginning of first 5-year plan

May 2018: Anti-EU cross-country bunker-building plan announced in memory of “ancient nationalist legend” Nigel Farage

May 2022: Full communism.

Choose Your Own Adventure: BREXIT!

Now is the time, leftists of Britain! Anarchists, Marxist-Leninists, Trot(skyi[st/te])s, Maoists, and social democrats: YOU GET TO CHOOSE WHAT TO DO WITH THE EU.

Brexit

If you chose the path of fighting British imperialism by linking it up more closely with French and German imperialism than US imperialism, this is what you have to look forward to tomorrow:

You walk out onto the street in King’s Cross. All seems calm at first. You think back on your vote to remain in the EU yesterday, following the advice of Paul Mason. You feel good. You light up a John Player Special Menthol cigarette, and puff contentedly.

You slowly become aware of a noise, as if someone is slowly turning up the volume on a televised football match. You look up to see:

The hordes of French workers who have taken the Eurostar to London! They’re waving red flags and screaming in that language of theirs!

You stop one of them. “Bonjour,” you say. “Bonjour et socialism.”

“Oui,” he responds. “Oui.”

You smile. He smiles. You embrace.

“So we’re doing it then? Sweeping away the neo-liberalism and ringing in a golden era of Western European socialism?”

“Sí,” he says. “Por supuesto.”

“What took you so long? I mean, we’ve been talking about this for years.”

“Sure, but we couldn’t bear the idea of building socialism until we were sure our best mates, the Britishers, were all in.”

“Best mates!” you scream, embracing the Frenchman.

And socialism swept across the EU forever and ever.

Amen.

If you chose the glorious path of accelerationist Lexit, this is what you will experience tomorrow:

The cries ring out as soldiers re-occupy the Chelsea Barracks. A spitfire flies overhead, and you dive down to the ground as something explodes at close range. A kindly old man helps you back up. “Those pesky doodlebugs,” he says.

Nigel Farage is addressing a group of admiring city gents in top hats and tails, assuring them that women will never get the vote. A series of antiquated vehicles pass by, each shinier and stranger than the last, until the streets fill with horse carts and horse muck.

“We’ve escaped the bonds of the 8-hour day,” says Farage, who seems to be getting younger by the minute, “political correctness has finally been abolished.” A member of the crowd delivers a gleeful kick to a passing pantomime actor in blackface.

You turn down an alleyway to escape, and meet with the horrifying stench of sewage. The inhabitants are literally throwing their shit into the street. You break into a run, but at the intersection you lose your way: the whole of London is enveloped in fog.

“The thing is, this referendum was never really about the EU.” Farage’s voice is amplified as it echoed down the alley. “It was about bringing Britain back to the glorious past.”

You jump into a stagecoach and mumble a destination to the driver. He nods, and you ride on south past coffee houses full of cotton traders and bakeries belching smoke. A man in rags tries to drag you out of the coach and expound on the true gospel of Swedenborgianism.

The horse begins to whinny as you pass empty pastures where the locomotive hearse used to speed the dead to London’s Necropolis. London itself seems to have long disappeared. All the familiar streets and houses are gone. You ride on through the fields and forests to a small settlement on a hill.

“Welcome,” says Gerrard Winstanley. “Let’s try not to fuck it up again this time, alright?”

United Federation of Planets under Fire for “Social Imperialism”

ComradePicard

WHEREVER STAR TREK TAKES PLACE, SPACE OR WHATEVER, YOU GODDAMN NERDS – Despite claims made by the Federation to have abolished money, several former RIM affiliates have condemned the United Federation of Planets for operating in accordance with “capitalist logic” and having succumbed to the pressures of “space revisionism (the final revisionist frontier)”.

“The use of credits shows that contrary to the Federation’s claims of having advanced beyond socialism into full space communism, there is still some capacity for a descent into revisionism,” said a spokesman for the Communist (Maoist) Party of Afghanistan.

“Indeed,” concurred Yr Aflonyddwch Mawr’s spokesman. “It is our contention that old capitalist habits and relations have been sublated in the newly socialist Federation, but that lack of attention to this fact has allowed capitalist logic to reassert itself through the corrupt Federation bureaucracy. Combined with the Federation’s impressive military force, we are unfortunately beginning to see increasing violations of the Prime Directive, one of the first signs of social imperialism.”

When asked what they proposed as a solution for the dire picture they painted, the spokeswoman for the Communist Party of India (Maoist) prescribed “cultural revolution, by the bucketful. Just keep smashing old things until everything becomes new and good,” causing the other spokespeople to nod their heads in somber agreement.

While the intergalactic Trotskyist movement universally agreed that “degeneracy” was “inevitable” without Trotsky at the head of the Federation Council, they were divided on whether to critically support the Federation as a “degenerated workers’ space-althing” (per the Spartacist League) or whether to claim the Federation, like all practical efforts by anti-capitalists, was “worse than capitalism, which we wouldn’t want to be too hard on” (per Solidarity).

At press time, anarchists were still diving in dumpsters, even though we have fucking replicators now.

FRSO Unites with Socialist Alternative

PRFML

CHICAGO – In a monumental blow to the sectarianism which plagues the left in general and the US left in particular, the FRSO (the Belgian one, not the hipster one) and Socialist Alternative have announced the conclusion of their unity talks. As of now, the two organisations have united under the common banner of the Permanent Revolution Front (Marxist-Leninist).

The new organisation intends to participate both in the International Communist Seminar and the Committee for a Workers’ International, as a symbol of uniting the international communist movement against Stalinist degeneracy, and also in defence of actually existing socialism, if only socialism had ever actually existed.

The new organisation’s points of unity include:

-Support for the social democrat Bernie Sanders against his own degenerate line of support for Clinton and the Democratic Party

-Critical support of Afro-Americans getting angry at the police

-Approval of the colour red

The new organisation could not agree whether to end the statement with “workers of the world, unite” or “workers and oppressed peoples of the world, unite”, and thus compromised with “peoples of the work, unite”.

The organisation is expected to split a few hours after press time.

Open Letters from the Central Committee for Father’s Day

Dad

Several members of the Worker’s Spatula Central Committee recently discovered that the men they had known as their fathers were in fact sleeper agents for various socialist regimes. Obviously, this came as quite a shock, and three of them have elected to publicly express their feelings to their fathers as part of the healing process:

Dear Vati,

When I think back on my childhood, I always remember being a normal German boy with a normal German father and mother. But Mutti recently told me the truth about you. You are not [REDACTED], from Offenbach, but in fact a spy from the Lao People’s Democratic Republic!

In retrospect, maybe I should’ve seen the signs that I was adopted. When I really think about it, I don’t look so much like you or Mutti, who both do look a bit… un-German. Furthermore, every year at Pi Mai, when I would throw flour on the other children and scream “Sok di pi mai!”, they would always look at me as if there was something amiss.

I cannot say that I forgive this deception. I cannot say that I recognise in you or Mutti anything like “parents”. But I can say that I forgive Laos. Laos is not just my motherland now, but my actual mother. And Kaysone Phomvihane, my father.

I shall continue my important work in organising the German peasantry from my cover as a chicken-feed dealer.

Long live the MLPD,
[REDACTED]

Not all members were so crushed by the revelation that their parents were not quite who they seemed to be:

Dadi,

Dw i wedi dysgu’r gwir nawr. Wyt ti wedi bod yn gweithio fel bancwr llwyddiannus sydd â golygfeydd accelerationist, ond mewn gwirionedd, wyt ti a spy for the Republic of Cuba.

In fact, I’m somewhat relieved, because now I can tell you the truth about myself: Dw i ddim yn wir yn astudio Applied Sheep Sciences yn Cardiff University. Dw i’n mewn gwirionedd a correspondent for Worker’s Spatula.

Nawr dw i’n gwybod pwy wyt ti, a wyt ti’n dwybod pwy dw i. And we’re both fighting for the same thing: An independent, socialist, and bunker-filled Wales.

Dy ferch,
[REDACTED]

Finally, a letter from our northernmost Central Committee member:

Dear Pabbi,

I salute the many obstacles you overcame and struggles you engaged in in raising me to do the work of the socialist state of South Yemen under the cover of being a normal Icelandic family.

As the man I once believed to be my uncle mentioned during the debriefing at my coming-of-age, you had difficulty with the language and raised some initial suspicions with your choice of the surname Leninsson. However, the neighbours were eventually won around to your eccentric ways of cooking laufabrauð and your screams of “yalla!” at the lawnmower. After you gave your 3-hour presentation on the 1,100-year history of the family from Sven Leninsson on, you were just another quiet, ordinary Icelander.

But to me, and to the Central Committee of the Yemeni Socialist Party, you were much more than that. From your tireless work to combat North Yemeni influence across the country to the anti-imperialist leaflets you secretly distributed during the Cold War, you were always working for a socialist society. Even the end of the civil war and the beginning of a new one did nothing to halt your ardour.

To you, dad, and the coming revolution,
[REDACTED]

In addition, a fourth member of the Committee has been raised to be a suicide bomber for the Tamil Tigers, but we’ll let them know when it’s time.

Israel: “Please Barzani, Save Us”

 

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OCCUPIED JERUSALEM – Citing concerns that past statements had perhaps been too subtle, designed as they were to play off popular support for the PYD, Deputy Minister of Foreign Affairs Tzipi Hotovely held a press conference today in which she directly addressed KRG President Masoud Barzani:

“Look Barzani, you know what this is all really about. You know our predicament. The KCK keeps gaining more and more power, and you’re just sitting there, letting them take it,” said Hotovely, referring to the Kurdish umbrella organisation born out of armed struggle, allied with the Palestinian liberation movement through the PFLP.

“We don’t know when you’re planning to step in and stop this, but terrorists are taking over Kurdistan, and this doesn’t just hurt us, but you too. Do what’s right, and invade Northern Syria and take over. The women of Kurdistan, by which I mean myself, demand this.

“Is this about ISIS? Does that really bother you? We can’t just call them off in Iraq with the Shi’as over there, being all… Shi’a. Why don’t you make friends with the Sunni Arabs, and then we’ll call them off. You guys are Sunni, right? Or is Kurdish a sect? How does that work? Can you be both? I’m extremely new to all this.”

In an unusual move, the PFLP responded by releasing its own statement directed at the increasingly unpopular US-backed puppet leader of Iraqi Kurdistan:

“Barzani, don’t listen to 7u6uwali, she’s drunk. We are your real bros, we speak the same language… Oh wait, you’re not happy about that. Hold up, I’m going to start over now.

“Hey Barzani, we assure you that we’ve spoken to some PKK guys in Beirut, and they swear they’ll give you all of Kurdistan as soon as they’re done beating ISIS. Honestly. They’re just being coy. So just let them do whatever they want, and the kingdom will be yours. It’s going to be great. Her bijî.”

The press statement was concluded with the PFLP spokesman fist-bumping Stefan Engel, who flashed the victory sign at the camera.

Cornish Republican Army Bombing Campaign in London Continues

Pasty

ST. PAUL’S, LONDON – The CRA (formerly the CNLA) continues its campaign of bombings directed against celebrity chef Jamie Oliver with a bomb detonated at the Barbecoa restaurant which he was visiting. The bomb, which killed three innocent bystanders and injured at least ten others, failed to claim the life of Jamie Oliver, who had stepped outside, but “probably not even for a fag, as he’s not cool enough to smoke”, according to “Mahire Davies”, the code name of the masked spokeswoman who agreed to meet with our correspondent at an undisclosed location near the attack.

Responding to a question regarding previous statements implying an end to the campaign against Jamie Oliver, our correspondent was sharply rebuked: “What we ended was a campaign against the presence of Jamie Oliver in Kernow. We continue a campaign against his person, whether in Emmetland or anywhere else. We believe that if we can successfully assassinate Jamie Oliver, it will be a propaganda coup for us which will raise our status in the eyes of the Emmets, who probably hate Jamie Oliver more than we do.”

“We will not rest until Jamie Oliver lies dead. We will abandon all our campaigns in Kernow itself and pour all our energy into the extermination of Jamie Oliver. We shall go without sleep, food, and friends to see to it that his filthy blood is spilt.”

“Who among us can live in a world where pure individuals like Ivana Hoffmann are dead and vermin like Jamie Oliver are allowed to live? This is bigger than Kernow. This is bigger than hip-hop.”

The CPGB-ML were quick to insert themselves into the story in their characteristically helpful fashion. Harpal Brar spoke at a hastily-assembled anti-CRA protest in London:

We’re really beginning to get sick of these Celts, declaring themselves nations when there is only one nation on this island, the great British nation, united forever thanks to its shared bourgeois interests, divided not materially by the scientific Marxist-Leninist definition of a nation, but rather idealistically by the opportunistic interests of the bourgeoisies of these supposed nations, bent on distracting their proletariats from class struggle, led by the CPGB-ML.

But it’s one thing to lie about whether or not you exist, and quite another to kill people over that lie. This is dangerous fanaticism, scarcely distinguishable from the mentality of ISIS. Are all Cornish people ISIS sympathisers? We report, you decide.

Jamie Oliver offered his condolences and words of wisdom in response to the incident:

My deepest condolences to the victims of this attack, and all of us at Barbecoa are fully cooperating with the Metropolitan police in the hopes of banging up those behind this malarkey.

I wish to stress to the people of England that we should not get worked up about it all: Most Cornish people are not terrorists, only a few who have corrupted the teachings of Saint Piran. Cornwall is a proper pukka place. Lovely jubbly.

At press time, the CRA had released another statement announcing that “dozens” of Cornish youth had joined up with their campaign in response to Jamie Oliver’s response to the bombing.