MONTPELLIER, VERMONT – This morning, social democrat Bernie Sanders called a surprise press conference to declare his concession of the candidacy to Hillary Clinton, known to Worker’s Spatula staff as the coup-plotter who killed Comrade Berta.
What follows is a rush transcription of Senator Sanders’s concession speech:
Friends, comrades, Americans, Canadians:
My name is Bernard Sanders. I am here before you today, not as your president, but as a defeated old man who drinks a lot of soup. My name is Bernard Sanders.
It’s been a wild ride. Remember when Black Lives Matter showed up? I didn’t know how to react. With the shouting and the fists. Good times though. Good people.
Black lives do matter. They matter a lot to me personally. And they matter to Hillary Clinton. But she just has a funny way of showing it, that’s all. I know Killer Mike said some things. And Ice Cube. And most politically conscious Afro-Americans with a soapbox that will allow us to listen to them. But let’s not let ourselves be divided or confused. They’re just passionate. We need that. We need that passion. If anyone knows passion, it’s me. And possibly Hillary Clinton. But mostly me. My name is Bernard Sanders.
I’m not going to lie to you, if Clinton gets elected, all you young people are going to drown in student debt. Whereas if I was elected, just most of you would drown in student debt. But no matter how many of you drown in student debt, know that Wall Street is to blame. Always stay united. United in struggle. My name is Bernard Sanders.
Remember the bird? I loved that bird. That bird filled me with hope. We all need a little hope sometimes. Keep hopin’. Keep dreamin’. Stay united. United States. America.
*Hums “This Land Is Your Land” for a few seconds before resuming*
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about what’s going to happen with the rest of the election. If there’s one thing I’ve always tried to emphasise, it’s the masses. Chairman Mao taught us that “the masses are the real heroes, while we ourselves are often childish and ignorant”. I like that. I like Mao, just like I like all Chinese-Americans, purveyors of high-quality soup that the people can enjoy.
Anyway, if there’s one other candidate who’s mobilising the people, which is the only real path to political change, it’s Donald Trump. So I hope you’ll all vote for him in November. My name is Bernard Sanders.
Colonel Sanders coughed for a few seconds to scattered applause before exiting stage left and pounding fists with the local Worker’s Spatula correspondent.