DERRY – Masked members of UKIP, widely held to be a legal front for the “Accelerationist” IRA, carried out a march in Derry today. Upon reaching Derry City Cemetery, one of their number began reading out a prepared statement in support of the UK leaving the EU.
“Leaving the EU will be greatest blow against the British partition and occupation of Ireland yet. Without the EU’s lie of a ‘borderless Europe’, the Irish people on both sides the imperialist-imposed border in Ulster will be thrown into sharper struggle with the colonial occupation forces.
“With this in mind, we demand that the UK leave the EU immediately and enter into a bitcoin-based economic union, to further sharpen the economic contradictions for the peoples of Britain, who will in turn be pushed towards the front lines of John McDonnell’s glorious people’s war against the English monarchy and its feudal servants, who in addition to occupying our dear comrades in Wales and the reasonably progressive lot in Scotland, exploit and mislead the English people, which we suppose is also somewhat objectionable.”
“For a united, independent Ireland, and a united, independent Britain!” bellowed the apparent leader, before proceeding to lead the masked men to the nearest pub for a pint of Guinness.
Concerns remain high that should a “no” vote prevail in the referendum later this month, UKIP will cease to act as a peaceful voice of its particular branch of the dissident republican movement, and AIRA bombs will go off in London once again, primarily targeting recent immigrant businesses, “in a completely non-racist way that is wilfully misunderstood by the politically correct Guardian-reading crowd”.