RAQQAH – Following news that Omar Mateen was a regular at the Orlando gay nightclub Pulse where he carried out the now-famous massacre which ended in his death, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi’s corpse was found in Raqqah by a hook-up partner of the self-declared caliph’s off of the gay hook-up app “Jack’d”.
“I didn’t even realise that ‘Al’ was that ISIS guy while we were chatting. He was more concerned with whether or not I was clean than jihad or whatever. He had a hot bod, too,” said John Le Maistre, al-Baghdadi’s alleged hook-up, who found himself horny during a late night stroll in Boston which led him into Syria and logged into the app to get some action.
“I suppose it does make sense now why his profile included the warning ‘no Kurds’.”
ISIS higher-ups have instructed all remaining mujahideen who might have some sort of issue with repressed homosexual desires to “at least hide it better in the future, this is beginning to become a little embarrassing.
“We don’t want to lose people’s respect, now do we?”