LONDON – Announcing that “armed struggle” had to take priority over journalistic work, all Worker’s Spatula correspondents in England have announced that the time has come to go “full Mahir Çayan” in defence of Jeremy Corbyn, the embattled ICOR-affiliated leader of the Party of Labour.
German elements within Worker’s Spatula declared London correspondents in particular to be “adventurist” on account of the latter’s decision to purchase Armalites so they might join other Momentum guerrillas “in the trenches”. The Worker’s Spatula “tabur” responded by declaring the comrades from Hambeug to have “descended to the low and opportunist level of Hikmet Kıvılcımlı”, leading to the exchange of a multilingual pastiche of obscenity.
With English Worker’s Spatula correspondents no longer responding to any of our attempts to reach them, we have had difficulty piecing together developments in London. Mainstream news sources are having difficulty providing accurate information in light of the ongoing urban guerrilla warfare. The following information all comes from our lone Scottish correspondent, and may be inaccurate owing both to the aforementioned difficulties in getting information out of England in general and London in particular, and due to the incomprehensible speech of the Scottish.
“From what we can gather, John Mann has allied himself with Hilary Benn, as they’re both very angry at Corbyn for taking the wrong position on the Brexit thing. Their initial strategy was to weaken Corbyn by removing all his enemies from the shadow cabinet, but rumour has it they’ve changed tactics as they’ve realised Corbyn is purging his enemies à Stalin.”
“Their new tactic appears to be attempting to wreck the party from within using a sycophantic Trotsky-like figure. We suspect this may be Simon Danczuk, who reportedly claims he wants to get close to Corbyn as he is impressed with his ‘strong appeal among young people’.”
At press time, our Welsh correspondents had fled into the hills to join Yr Aflonddwch Mawr’s “people’s war”.