North Korea to Laos: “Chat Shit, Get Banged”


VIENTIANE – Following a tense meeting earlier this week over the DPRK’s nuclear programme, in which the Chinese social imperialists attempted to convince the modern revisionists of North Korea to “calm the fuck down, blood”, members of the ASEAN Regional Forum (headed by this year’s chair country, the imperialist stooges known as the Lao People’s Democratic Republic) issued a statement expressing “concern” over the “threat” posed by the DPRK’s nuclear arsenal.

“That’s it, then is it, fam? What about the ‘threat’ posed by China’s nuclear weapons, or the US’s nuclear weapons, or Russia, or all of them man them, blood?” enquired the North Korean representative in Vientiane.

“You think this is a game, son? Chat shit, get banged!” he concluded.

Representatives of the Lao People’s Revolutionary Party were quick to respond: “You’re fucking this up for all of us, fam! We’re out here, trying to feed our kids and that, fam. No Soviet Union looking after us any more, innit? You think you can just start shit whenever you want, and China will look after you, innit? Well we’re not having it fam! We’ve got our own shit to look after. So there’s your independence, innit? INNIT? INNIT?”

“Come over here and say that to my face, batty bwoy,” responded the North Korean representative.

When reached for comment, CPGB-ML chairman Harpal Brar agreed that “all provocations against the DPRK should be regarded as imperialist breaches of Korean sovereignty, and will result in the harshest possible press releases from the CPGB-ML.”

“BRRRRRRRRRAP!” added “vice-chairman” Ella Rule.


Is Donald Trump a Russian Agent?


WORKER’S SPATULA FIELD OFFICE, TONDO, MANILA – Worker’s Spatula regrets having to waste valuable time that may be spent on our unity-struggle-unity with the National Democratic Front – Philippines. However, it has come to our attention that many conspiracy theories are floating about as to the mysterious hands behind the Donald Trump campaign.

As Marxists, we all know that individual action cannot sustain itself in politics. All meaningful political behaviour must reflect coalitions of forces which reflect concrete class interests. Donald Trump is not running his campaign in the interest of “America” (meaning the entirety of “the people” of the United States) as he claims. Rather he represents an alliance of the petty bourgeoisie of the oppressor nation with the multi-national proletariat of the United States, represented by the bulk of the work for the Trump campaign behind the scenes being carried out by the tireless operatives of Worker’s Spatula.

For those who claim that Russia is behind the Trump campaign, we ask you to seriously consider: How could the relatively weak imperialist interests of Russia be reflected at the highest echelons of power in one of the two pro-system parties of the United States? The very idea is laughable. Rather, the entire Trump campaign is more or less controlled by the powerful Marxist-Leninist movement in the United States headed by the brilliant theoretical guidance of a satirical website. If we accept some tactical alliance with Russia in this pursuit, this in no way implies Russian control of the Trump campaign!

To conclude: Donald Trump is not a Russian plant, but a communist one, whose purpose is to expose the rotten system of neoliberal capitalism and accelerate the deepening of its contradictions. Worker’s Spatula calls on all revolutionaries around the world to take up the struggle and support the Donald Trump campaign, or else be relegated to the dustbin of history.

Humourless Marxist Reviews: Pokémon Go


Pokémon, the popular Japanese game about monsters fighting each other is now coming to the iPhone, which is just a collection of words that make me, as one of the geriatric members of the central committee of the CPUSA, extremely uncomfortable. “Popular”? “Japanese”? “Fighting”? “iPhone”? Count me out!

Back in my day, when we wanted entertainment, we went outside and played in the sun, like real proletarians, but now all kids want to do is sit inside and play videogames. As long as things like Pokémon Go are around, our young people will never have the energy for the sort of revolutionary work demanded by the CPUSA!

The only Japanese thing that young people should be getting into is our sister party in Japan, the Japanese Communist Party. They’ve run lots of successful electoral campaigns and maintain a firm line against the TPP. That’s what young people should be excited about. That’s what’s really kawaii.

But no, young people want to spend their hard-earned money on the goddamned Pokémon. Don’t they realise they’re just making giant multinational corporations rich? Don’t they see they’re wasting their precious lives when they could be joining in with me and making revolution? Well, this is what happens when the social programmes get slashed, I guess.

The other day I heard my granddaughter talking about her Charmimello and its “evolutions”. What about “revolutions”, huh, Julie? Huh?

Remember when you used to hang out with Grandpa, and we’d go fishing together, and I explained to you about dialectical materialism? How come Grandpa’s not a priority now that you’ve got your fucking Japanese toys?

Young people need to put down the Pokémon Go and start thinking seriously about the future of our world. Corporations like the ones that make your precious Pokémon are destroying the world for their profits, and then where are you gonna live?

It’s the world we must defend.

New Zealand Left Relocates to Australia


AUCKLAND – Announcing that “we’ve had a good run”, the entire New Zealand left held a press conference today at which they declared their intention to relocate to Australia, gain Australian citizenship, and help foment socialist revolution in Australia.

“There’s not really much point in going on anymore, is there? We kept expecting to see a resurgent far right like they have in the rest of the Anglosphere, scaring massive… er… relatively massive numbers of young liberals into our arms, but that didn’t happen,” explained Sophie Brown, spokeswoman from the New Zealand ISO.

“Speaking for my own organisation, we were always internationalists, so we have no attachment to particular conditions, and anyway Australia’s not so very different to New Zealand. We have Socialist Alternative waiting to take us in with open arms.”

Ian Wilson, an Auckland-area anarchist, agreed: “One day we won’t have borders, but for now we reckon we’re inside the wrong ones for our ideology. Australia may not exactly be a  left-wing country, but us Kiwis are too moderate all around as things stand. Those of us who don’t have organisations or groups waiting for us intend to mill about for a while and see what suits us. I’ve got some friends in Sydney whose couch I can crash on while I go commune shopping.”

Asked if they were prepared for struggle against the rising tide of nativist chauvinism and fascism, all present answered in the affirmative: “Yeah man, Pauline Hanson, Malcolm Turnbull, bring it on! The people want some bloody action, and we can’t sustain that here in boring old Kiwiland,” reported “Adam”, a member of a tiny group calling itself the “New Communist Party of Aotearoa”, which will apparently be liquidating itself so it can join one of the many successful Maoist grouplets in Australia.

“Most of us won’t really be directly victimised, not being wogs and all”, explained OMU spokesman Alec Manson, “But we are ready to passively declare solidarity with those who are victimised by Australian racism, from refugees being abused in prison camps to the Aboriginal Australians, who clearly just take being angry more seriously than the Māori do.”

Pol Pot “Still Fucking Cool”, Says Edgelord


AUCKLAND – Local edgelord and very serious communist Norm Thompson at first glance appears to blend in with much of the Auckland left scene: Passionate about Māori sovereignty and always ready to rail against the National Party-led government, Thompson at first glance seems like any anarchist or Trotskyist in Auckland.

But Thompson is not a Trotskyist. He’s not even a Maoist.

“All I’m saying is, the more the revisionists and the bourgeois media slander someone, the more you have to wonder what they’re hiding. So if you think about it, how much of what you’ve heard about Cambodia can really be true?

“Pol Pot’s still fucking cool. He abolished money, mate. Abolished money. You wish you were that communist.”

Noting that “living in Auckland these days would make anyone want to evacuate to the bloody countryside, eh?”, Thompson extolled the virtues of life under the Khmer Rouge.

“Everyone was treated fairly, all the rice you could eat, the party was truly united with the masses, it was the most advanced socialist society to have ever existed. Bloody Maoists make me sick when they talk about Gonzalo and the third and higher stage, Pol Pot was doing all that stuff first.”

Asked if life under the Khmer Rouge was so good, how did pro-Vietnamese forces manage to take control so easily, the response was harsh as only anti-revisionists can be harsh: “Are you actually defending Soviet social imperialist regime change, Tito? You’re an even bigger revisionist than I thought. Everyone knows the Khmer Rouge was only removed from power thanks to the diplomatic and military might of Moscow.”

Asked if New Zealand had a history of defence of Democratic Kampuchea, like Ted Hill in Australia, which had led him to his current positions, Thompson looked saddened: “Afraid not, mate. New Zealand’s left scene is shit. I mostly just browse communist Facebook and argue with CPGB-ML about the DPRK.”

“Why are the Dumb Masses Abandoning Us?” asks CPI(M)


KOLKATA – “We’re suffering in the polls again!” cried local ‘communist revolutionary’ Laxman Chandra Pilao as he stepped out onto the street to meet with our local correspondent, whose hand he briskly shaked without stopping as he strode forward into the street. “I don’t know how we’re going to recover from the last election at this rate. Come quickly, don’t delay.”

“There’s only one thing to do” Pilao exclaimed as he grabbed a ‘chai’ tea from a chaiwala, forgetting to leave money. As our correspondent tried to quickly count out the appropriate amount for the chaiwala, he noticed that Pilao was escaping around the corner, styrofoam cup of piping hot tea in hand. “It’s clear that we just need to go to the masses and explain to them that we are still their favourite party, even if some of them seem to be forgetting it.”

“Why do you suppose they’re forgetting it?” asked our correspondent, quite earnestly.

“Modi magic is still alive, for one thing. Also, Congress types keep fiendishly running against us in elections. Elections are very important to CPI(M) because we use them to expose groups like Congress.”

His comrade, Dhanesh Kar, speaking to our correspondent at his union office later that day, concurred: “Congress are like Tito, they may look progressive, but given the slightest chance and they will completely sell their souls to imperialism. Unfortunately, for some reason people can’t see the difference between us and Congress, so we might as well run together to increase our visibility to the stupid, blind masses.”

“I’m out here, every day, trying to tell these people to stop abandoning us,” informed local ‘militant’ Raghavaram Khichuri. “They seem more interested in their everyday problems, which could easily be solved if the CPI(M) were given total power in West Bengal!” he said, referring to the party which dominated state politics for three decades.

“We are called the communist party! That makes us important, and if the people don’t see that, then they are objective agents of fascism!”

Marxists Returning to their Roots: Lao Tzu


KUALA LUMPUR – Following weeks of review of the situation on the ground, [REDACTED], the Worker’s Spatula cadre assigned to correspondence from and propaganda in Malaysia, has decided the best way forward is to form a reading group with various Marxist elements in Kuala Lumpur, including jaded former members of Sosialis Alternatif. Their task: To understand the CPM’s errors through the careful reading of foundational Marxist-Leninist texts, such as Capital, What Is to Be Done?, and the Tao Te Ching.

“天地不仁, 以萬物為芻狗: 聖人不仁, 以百姓為芻狗” Taoist priest Wang Ping-Kuei informed our correspondent, in a local temple.

“Uphold the correct line,” he responded, “uphold the correct line.”

“I think the Tao Te Ching is actually quite a good text, in spite of being so metaphysical” opined ex-Sosialis Alternatif member “Amir”. “There’s a lot of value in there about how the individual relates to the world around them, but it seems to put the individual before the world around them. As if the point of relation to the world is to be in harmony with it as an individual, rather than the point of individual action being to bring the world into harmony with people.

“You could say that what it needs is to be turned on its head.”

“I agree,” said Padma Rangarajan. “The emphasis on the transience of things is very good, since any true dialectical thinker should eschew fetishisation and understand things as part of a broader process.”

Response has been so positive that reading group member Cheng Chunhua has recommended other classical Chinese texts that she thinks could aid the group’s understanding of dialectical materialism, including the Zhuangzi, the Huainanzi, and the Analects of Confucius.

As of press time, [REDACTED] reports he has been expelled from the reading group he started for “adventurism”, on recommending Sun Tzu’s “the Art of War”.

Pauline Hanson the Real Victim, Apparently


MELBOURNE – The entire Australian media, including supposedly “liberal” outlets, have united in their view that Pauline Hanson was the victim of an “abusive” “attack” by Aboriginal activist Murrandoo Yanner, wherein he slandered the known racist as a “racist redneck”, marking the worst incidence of abusive language in Australian politics since the last time Hanson or any of her supporters opened their mouths on any subject.

“It’s a fucking disgrace, letting these Abos run their mouths like that. You see why we had to send them away to them schools, eh? They’ve got no manners…” explained Hanson supporter Chris David, before he was cut off with a punch to the jaw by our local correspondent.

Hanson herself could barely hold back tears as she explained what had happened: “One of those people, you know the ones, the ones we never took a vote on whether we tolerate their existence or not, came up to me, in MY country, and told me to go back to my fish and chip shop. Everyone knows my fish and chip shop burnt down last year. We lost a lot of good bream in that fire. You know it was probably ISIS that did it. Comin’ over here…”

One more well-placed punch later, our local correspondent met with reasonable “non-racist” white Australian and proud owner of several Chinese friends, Karen Osborne, who tried to make sense of Hanson’s ideology for us:

“A lot of people claim she’s racist, but I don’t know. I mean, I don’t agree with all of what she says, but it just seems like common sense. This is Australia. Like we’re in Australia now. I’m Australian. And Australia is a place for Australians.”

Asked if there were different types of Australians, Osborne remained persistent: “It’s not a question of types. It’s a question of how long you’ve been here. The Muslims and so on, they’re new. We don’t know how well behaved they are, so we want to look at them a lot. We want to see them on CCTV cameras in the streets, in their mosques, in their bedrooms, ideally. Whereas me, I’ve been here for a while, so you don’t need to check in on me so much. Nobody needs to look and make sure I’m not causing any trouble.

“And the Aboriginals, they’ve been here forever, haven’t they? So I don’t know if we need to see them at all.”

Worker’s Spatula Now Convinced Turkey is a Bourgeois Democracy


ANKARA – Following what is variously being described as a massively unsuccessful coup and a false flag attack designed to help consolidate the executive power around Erdoğan and his AKP (the objective result of the coup in any event), Worker’s Spatula correspondents have been forced to reevaluate their previous analysis of Turkey as a fascist dictatorship.

“After the ruling government responded to the loss of the June elections last year by embarking on a scorched earth campaign in Kurdistan, giggling at press conferences held to discuss whether or not the public bombing of opposition rallies constituted a lapse in security, and arresting mainstream liberal reporters for speaking out against them, the question was naturally on the table again: Is Turkey a bourgeois democracy or is there a state of fascism with which we have to contend?” said [REDACTED 1], our most reliable person in Ankara.

“But after the coup attempt last night, I think it’s pretty clear that the fascism thesis doesn’t pan out. If the coup fails, the democratically elected government stands, and if there’s a democratically elected government, bourgeois democracy must be functioning.”

A correspondent in Istanbul, [REDACTED 2], agreed: “The handling of the coup was exactly as I would’ve expected in my home country of France: With mosques blasting the call to prayer at an ungodly hour to wake the people up so they can defend democracy with beheadings.

“Fitting it should happen so close to Bastille Day, honestly.”

With Erdoğan’s bourgeois democratic credibility now confirmed, many in our ranks are expressing regret:

“I spent so long making fun of Erdoğan for his claims of ‘advanced democracy’, and now I see he was right. Turkey is not a fascist semi-colony, but a completely independent and bourgeois democratic country.

“There’s nothing left for it but for us to all give our self-criticism and unite with TKİP.”

Australian Anti-Revisionists Evaluate Strategy of Haunting Houses

Image courtesy of VacuityMechanica

MELBOURNE – Meeting in the old Cooper house at the stroke of midnight, representatives of the Marxist-Leninist “October Seventh Socialist Movement”, the Marxist-Leninist (Mao Zedong Thought) “National Preparatory Committee of the Marxist-Leninist Communist Party of Australia”, and the Marxist-Leninist-Maoist “Committee for a Revolutionary Communist Party in Australia” met to discuss the pros and cons of their strategy of agitating for socialist revolution in Australia by haunting houses throughout the Melbourne and Sydney metropolitan areas.

“Woooooooooooooooooo!”, began a representative from the NPCMLCPA, waving around a copy of “Eureka”. “Wooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!”

“A plainly revisionist position,” countered the OSSM’s representative. “You’ll fall right into the lap of the imperialists talking like that.”

“I’m afraid I must agree,” added the CRCPA representative. “Chairman Gonzalo rejected this stance decades ago.”

While all present agreed that there was a clear disadvantage to appearing in mirrors and jumping out from closets covered in blood to deliver their principled defence of the legacy of Comrade Stalin, it appears that all will continue to organise in this fashion, “for security reasons”.

“Besides,” added the CRCPA representative. “Even if I was capable of braving the sunlight, handing out propaganda in public is for Trots and revisionists.”