Battle of Somme “Could Set Back Cause of Imperialism For Decades” Warn Capitalists


LONDON – Some of the biggest titans of industry and persons of note in the British banking world have expressed their concern that the Battle of the Somme might “set back the cause of imperialism for decades”.

Mill owner and Liberal MP Henry Broderick Esq., who agreed to meet with our correspondent for a dinner of bream, warned that the reduction in white British manpower could cause delays in the subjugation of native peoples across the globe.

“Don’t get me wrong,” Broderick wheezed. “I’m not one of those hand-wringing Marxists who believes that Germany should not be reduced to a series of muddy fields and hungry mouths.

“In fact, I have always supported the cause of the patriotic Social Democrats who got us into this war in the first place.”

However, Broderick believes Somme to be a mistaken next step.

“The plans to kill tens or hundreds of thousands of young men over the course of the next few months is all well and good in theory, but what about my factory?

“Even if we find good men, we need a few more on hand to make sure they can be replaced the moment they strike.”

Merchant banker Frederick Dunstable stressed that other industries could also be hit.

“If we kill all the farmhands, soon we won’t have anyone to work to death in the mines or send off to shoot Boer farmers.

“In short, the very foundations of imperialism could be at stake.”

Dunstable emphasised especially that the ongoing Great War was distracting entrepreneurs throughout Europe from the exploitation of labour at home and the super-exploitation of labour abroad.

“What we really need is some kind of “League of Europe” in order to co-ordinate the needs of the capitalist class.”

However, arms dealer Walter Drinkwater told the Spatula that the situation in Somme could be good for everyone. “It’s creating jobs, record profits and giving the aristocracy something to do.

“In fact, I don’t see what the downside is.”


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