Sources Confirm: Australia Still the Fucking Worst

Australia

MELBOURNE – The Australian federal election, as is now known, was a moderate success for the Australian Labor Party [sic], who were able to win a fair number of seats from the Liberal–National Coalition, whose politics Labor [sic] assure us are quite different to theirs.

Days on, however, the votes continue to be counted, mostly due to the laziness of the Australian vote counters, who are all of course white Australians, unlike the industrious non-white immigrants who could’ve counted all the votes within an hour and still had the energy to take on a pack of white Australian fascists in a street fight.

It seems likely, however, that Turnbull and his Coalition will maintain power, in spite of the loss of seats. They will simply need to enter into a coalition with those stupid “parties” that Australians like that consist of only a single seat occupied by the person whose name is even part of the bloody party name.

Additionally, it is worth noting that the Australian Greens achieved the monumental victory of maintaining all of their seats.

Many sources say that regardless of how a government is formed, the election confirms longtime suspicions that Australia is “the worst” and “full of fucking knobs”. An e-mail to Malcolm Turnbull requesting confirmation or denial of these allegations was responded to thus:

Dear Worker’s Spatula,

While the Honourable Malcolm Turnbull regrets that he cannot personally respond to every enquiry which is sent in to the office, it is the general view of those of us who work in his office that his election in the first place does signal a particularly high level of knobishness on the part of the Australian electorate, and indeed may serve as evidence that Australia is just the fucking worst.

Best regards,
The office of Malcolm Bligh Turnbull

PS: Yes, his middle name is fucking Bligh. More like “blight” if you ask us.

Unfortunately, on the ground information from our Australia correspondent was scarce as just before the election she was deported from Southeast Asia’s least favourite island. A stamp on her passport reading “fuck off, we’re full” has made her legal re-entry an impossibility, and therefore our brave correspondent spent much of the past few days attempting to sneak into the country. She was, however, able to provide us with the following responses of local Marxist-Leninists to the election:

The Communist Party of Australia assures us that the Australian masses are now aware of the dead end represented both by Labor [sic] and the Coalition, and that they plan to stand in the next elections, where they will undoubtedly be very successful.

The Communist Party of Australia (Marxist-Leninist), for its part, has condemned the revisionist CPA for this strategy, which fails to take into account Australia’s status as a semi-colony of US imperialism, a unique analysis which has won the CPA(ML) many supporters among the Australian masses, who are preparing for people’s war even as you read this, drinking something other than VB, like some sort of fancy English cunt. You think you’re too good for us, eh?

As of press time, our correspondent had snuck back into Australia using her cleverly chosen light skin, and had begun grilling a celebratory bream on the barbie.

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