SİVAS – Worker’s Spatula would like to extend our warmest and most comradely congratulations to our comrade, [REDACTED], on his wedding to his bride in Sivas. Coming from France and having localised himself in Turkey thanks to local EMEP cadres, [REDACTED] met his bride, who comes from a respectable Sivaslı MHP family, at a protest in Ankara.
The wedding was spectacular, with a massive red cake chosen to please both EMEP and MHP attendees. The father-in-law approached [REDACTED] to inform him that the red in the cake clearly symbolised the blood of the Turkish people shed for independence. [REDACTED] politely agreed, adding under his breath: “and the Albanian people, too”.
[REDACTED], who is a known atheist and opponent of all organised religion (and like most French, hates Islam in particular) nonetheless converted to Islam in order to please the in-laws. He has submitted to Worker’s Spatula democratic centralism and accepted to impose Ja’fari Shi’ism on any future children.
All guests in attendance were given a free copy of the latest edition of Evrensel, as is traditional in Turkey.
At the wedding, other Worker’s Spatula cadres were able to connect with the masses and socialise over Albanian folk dances. Both the bride’s side (her family) and the groom’s side (the central committee of EMEP) had come to an agreement that having halay at the wedding would essentially constitute an endorsement of terrorism.
[REDACTED] was at one point spotted far from his bride, joyously clicking wooden spoons together as he danced and sang along with the sound system: “BİZE HER YOL PARİS DEĞIL, LA BİZE HER YER ANGARA!”
A young EMEP member from Ankara spoke to one of our correspondents, excitedly telling him that attending the wedding was the most radical political action he had taken part in since Gezi: “Normally we just go to the weddings of the children of our members in Yenimahalle. But this is so exciting here, there’s even fascists. I have been asking all of them if they are workers, and if so, if they plan on becoming a member of the labour aristocracy.”
As everyone in attendance agreed that 100% of Albanians and %100 of Turks are Muslims, a common prayer of EMEP and MHP supporters was held. A Halk Cephesi sympathiser from Nurtepe who had taken the wrong bus and mistook the red wedding cake for the party-front flag took the opportunity to quietly extract himself from the wedding hall.
Worker’s Spatula elected to give one collective gift to the young couple. Both the bride and groom’s eyes lit up with delight when the box was unwrapped, revealing an Arabic copy of the Qur’an and a stainless steel spatula with a red handle.
“It’s steel,” noted an ESP sympathiser and Worker’s Spatula correspondent in attendance.
“Yes, like Stalin” agreed [REDACTED].
IMCLPO hailed the wedding with an official collective statement: “The ICMLPO salutes our French comrade for his bold internationalist stance in marrying a Turkish woman. As we all know, EMEP’s line is to recruit exclusively via family ties at this point, and therefore this wedding represents a great victory for Marxism-Leninism.”
The MLKP issued an official condemnation of the wedding as further proof of EMEP’s “reformism”, calling on [REDACTED] and his bride to divorce one another immediately, marry Circassians drawn from the ICOR affiliate’s ranks, and celebrate with a 100% Kurdish wedding, “the only correct line in the Turkish context”.