DIYARBEKIR/AMED – In honour of one year of struggle for the oppressed and downtrodden the world over, Worker’s Spatula’s central committee and several affiliates convened in the Kurdish capital to reflect and relax. To avoid sectarian squabbles between the various factions within Worker’s Spatula, the “neutral ground” represented by the Hüda-Par provincial headquarters was chosen as the site of celebration, much to the delight of the faithful.
Women Worker’s Spatula members were of course not allowed in the main hall, per Hüda-Par policy, and were shuffled into a side room to discuss “women’s issues” with their sisters in faith. The very different ideas about what consitutes “women’s issues” (with one side favouring abortion rights and the other favouring how best to conceal the bruises so as to not fail to look appealing to one’s husband) led to fierce argumentation, but as the Hüda-Par headquarter’s women’s room is heavily soundproofed so as to prevent men being tempted by the sound of strange women’s voices, this was not revealed to the men attendees until after the celebrations were over.
“Bismillahirrahmanirrahim euzubillahimineşşeytanirracim,” stated local Hüda-Par member and Worker’s Spatula fan Abdulkadir Soyupak, marking the start of the exciting festivities, which included awkward staring at shoes and attempts at small talk.
“Isn’t Trotskyism like Shi’ism for you people?” enquired Muhammed Kılıçlı, attempting to make small talk with a Worker’s Spatula correspondent with a tattoo displaying a hammer, sickle, and Zulfiqar visible on his arm, thanks to his extremely immodest short-sleeved shirt.
“No, Shi’ism is anti-revisionism, Sunnis are Brezhnevites, and Ibadis are the Trots.”
Lokma and tea were served, the former provided by Hüdapar and the latter provided by a network of smugglers and Worker’s Spatula. Worker’s Spatula also attempted to serve a tray of meqlûbe prepared specially for the occasion, “in solidarity with the Palestinian people”. However, the Arab dish was thrown out the window on suspicion of being an agent of “the Fethullahçı Terror Organization” (FETÖ).
As the celebrations drew to a close at 6 PM local time, Worker’s Spatula members piled into the dolmîşes and bid farewell to their friends at Hüda-Par, who wished them “many more successful years of godless communism.”