AKP Close to Catching Culprits in String of Attacks on its Enemies


ANKARA – Following yet another bombing, which took place at the wedding of a Kurdish HDP member in Antep, the AKP continues to assure us all that all these attacks which keep hitting their enemies are in fact aimed at the Turkish state and government, and that coincidentally, everyone the Turkish people have heard on the news that they are meant to dislike is behind them somehow.

In a statement which was not even made up by Worker’s Spatula and in fact publicly available in English on Hürriyet Daily News, President Erdoğan managed to link Fethullah Gülen, ISIS, and the PKK, the three principal villains of Turkish daily life according to the constantly blaring television news with the dramatic music we’ve all normalised by now. This follows news of another heinous attack (also probably carried out by the Gülen-ISIS-PKK axis) in which uniformed Turkish police arrested and beat 14 youth for “singing Kurdish songs” in “Recep Tayyip Erdoğan Park” in Esenyurt, Istanbul.

A spokesman (it’s always a man) for the AKP responded thus when reached for comment by Worker’s Spatula: “Everyone who the Turkish people don’t like is trying to kill the people the Turkish government doesn’t like, in a complicated conspiracy aimed at attacking the political forces in Turkey which benefit from the current situation. It saddens us a great deal, but we want to assure international Muslim public opinion that we are on the case, and those behind these bloody massacres of Kurds, whose very existence is like a cancer in our lives, will be caught and brought before us to answer for their crimes of making it difficult to sell ‘Democracy à Erdoğan’.”

Many sources within the AKP are blaming “the west”, and the United States in particular, for the reign of terror which grips Turkey and Kurdistan at present. Spokesman for the Office of the President İbrahim Kalın has appeared on television to draw attention to the heinous hypocrisy of international response to this latest bombing: “Everyone knows that the United States were behind the July 15th coup attempt, and soon we’ll be sure that Turkish children are taught this incident in school as an example of a military victory by Turkey against the United States. But of course, we want to maintain good relations with NATO and the United States in spite of this, I mean, Turkey is an independent country which independently entered into an independent alliance with the United States as an independent state. But this alliance will be in grave danger if they continue to stand by and let us suffer as our fiercest critics and most hated enemies are cut down in waves of arrests and attacks clearly aimed at Turkish democracy, which is to say us!”

Prime Minister Binali Yıldırım agreed: “The PKK and ISIS are the same, and not at all opposed to each other, and they both definitely have the same mutually antagonistic relationship to the Turkish government and state.” Only joking, Binali Yıldırım can’t string together a complete sentence in Turkish, which is supposedly his native language. It sounded more like this: “PKK terrorism and ISIS terrorism, is… You know, they’re both terrorists. And we’re fighting these terrorism. The same!”

Turkish IST affiliate DSİP wasted no time in falling all over itself to defend the AKP against “Turkish Stalinism” which “constantly stands against the democratic aspirations of our Islamist brothers and sisters”.

“Oh, and terrible to hear about those dead Kurds. We’re in HDP still, right?”

German Chancellor Angela Merkel expressed her condolences to the victims and added: “We are shocked by this brutal terrorist attack, and we stand in solidarity with the Turkish state in their struggle against terror. In particular, we wish to express our solidarity with Turkey’s disposable labour and open market, a world without which is unimaginable for us. Turkish democracy is locked in a constant struggle with itself, but as a veteran of the German struggle against totalitarianism which tore the country apart, I am confident that religious and corporate democracy will prevail in Turkey as well.”


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