Abbas on Tears at Peres Funeral: “He was my only friend”

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OCCUPIED EAST JERUSALEM – Following controversy surrounding his controversial attendence of the funeral of former Israeli President Shimon Peres, Arab social media have had their worst suspicions confirmed upon discovering that Mahmoud Abbas even cried at the funeral of Shimon Peres, who, in addition to being responsible for countless crimes against the Palestinians and Lebanese, was also not above spilling the blood of his co-nationals, as he was the one who had Yitzhak Rabin assassinated.

We repeat: Shimon Peres had Yitzhak Rabin assassinated, and then presided over the conversion of the peace process into another means of normalising perpetual occupation.

“Did I cry at the Isra-EElee bresident’s funeral? Yes. Because Mr. Beres was my best friend. He was my only friend. Sometimes I would sit on the edge of my bed late at night and call him, and we would talk for hours about our hobes and dreams.

“We had so much in common. We both enjoyed the same brothels in Morocco, the same hotels in Dubai, the same big Machers we bit our tongues in front of, a similar battalion of lackeys who bit their tongues in front of us. It was lonely at the tob, but we had each other. Now I have no one. Even my family votes for Hamas behind my back.”

The PFLP have released their own statement in response to the latest chapter in the romance between Fatah and “liberal Zionism”:

“While the imperialist bourgeoisie joins the traitor Mahmoud Abbas in mourning the passing of Shimon Peres, we know that militant communists around the world stand in solidarity with the oppressed Palestinian people instead, and mourn all of our martyrs. Abbas can say that he lost his only friend, but we know that we still have a friend in Stefan Engel.

“Although this is a written statement, we wish to assure the reader that at this juncture Stefan Engel appeared in the room where it was being written and bumped fists with us.”

Paid Advertisement: Cadging Fags

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Are you a hip young communist, trying to stay fit and save money? Then may we humbly recommend the cadging of fags, or as our US friends call it, bumming fags, but that’s the subject of another paid advertisement: Our new app, Spatulr.

In the meanwhile, let us set the scene: You’re on the street, going about your anti-revisionist business, when your stomach starts to grumble. But you’ve barely got any money in your account for the next week, and you haven’t any cash at all!

Given that your impoverished lifestyle means that you survive mostly on cheap carbohydrates, you’re worried about your figure, which has to stay lean for running around at protests and jumping turnstiles at the train station. Our anarchist friends know this struggle well! Is there a way to eat fewer meals, thus saving money and staying fit, without being miserable? There is!

Simply walk up to any respectable bourgeois-looking person on the street having a smoke and ask them politely if you might have one as well, mate. You’re trying to quit, after all, and you wouldn’t want to have to buy a whole pack, thus tempting you back to smoking. Meanwhile, they, a lowly smoker, are in no position to judge whether or not you, one of the noble quitters, ought to be having this one cigarette! So cadge away, comrades! Cadge away!

Let’s hear some testimonials from satisfied customers:

“I often get hungry during the day, and I find that a cigarette staves off the hunger until I can get free food from an event at my school. Thanks, cadging!”
-Nigel Angliss, SOAS student

“That Nigel thinks he’s awfully clever, pulling that ‘Oh I’m trying to quit!’ routine. Next time I see him I’m going to charge him for a fag.”
-Jasmine Puri, SOAS student

Call now!

“TILÎLÎLΔ, Sources Confirm

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KOBANÊ – Despite the Turkish armed forces incursion into Rojava, the West of Kurdistan, the national territory of the heroic Kurdish people, morale remains high, with sources on the ground confirming “TILÎLÎLÎLÎLÎLΔ.

Our woman on the ground in Mêrdîn concurred that, according to everyone she has spoken to, “TILÎLΔ, and furthemore “TILÎLÎLÎLΔ.

Sources in Dêrsim were divided as to whether “TILÎLÎLÎLÎLΔ or “TESLİM OLMAK YOK”, but top analysts agree that while the odds of teslim olmak are indeed slim to none, the more common sentiment is indeed the ululation of heroic woman guerrillas.

All night long.

Ultra-Lefts Angry at Black People Again

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RALEIGH, NORTH CAROLINA – Following the police murder of Keith Lamont Scott in Charlotte, North Carolina, protests have erupted drawing in large sections of Afro-American youth and progressives of other national backgrounds. But at least one group isn’t joining in this latest uprising:

“I understand why they’re angry, but the solution is really a worker’s revolution,” stated proud “left oppositionist” and local game store employee Mike Surname. “Without the leadership of a worker’s party, poor Black people will never be meaningfully free.”

Local “red guard” Dawn “Red Dawn” Smith disagreed: “What they need is a people’s war, led by a Gonzalist Maoist organisation. Unlike the Trots, our specific brand of communism is such that we tell Black people that they are a nation, and that their national interest is to join our particular sectarian branch of the socialist movement and work for its development for the purpose of an explicitly socialist revolution. Anything else would be bourgeois, of course.”

“NO JUSTICE, NO PEACE!” interjected a passing crowd of angry Afro-American youth, which neither of the particular flavours of white socialist made any attempt to encourage or join, being far too busy bemoaning their inability to organise the masses on the particular line of struggle they had chosen, independent of real world struggle.

Not to be outdone, the opportunists also interjected their views on how the masses were both wrong and stupid:

“What I’m saying is, these aren’t proletarians. Burning trucks, screaming ‘fuck the police’? No, these are clearly lumpenproletarians. I’ve heard about them, but I can never approach them, for fear that I’ll get some poverty on me,” said Jacob Christgau, local CPUSA organiser and union member who does not like the term “labour aristocracy”.

“A real worker’s revolution will emerge from SEIU meetings in an orderly fashion, without all this foolish violence. JCP and KKE both agree with me on this, where’s your international?”

“ICOR? I’ve never heard of that.”

TKP/ML Doing Pretty Good, Report Other Groups in Turkey

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İSTANBUL/STEMBOL – An informal survey of various communists in Istanbul confirms that TKP/ML, the illegal Marxist-Leninist and/or Maoist party founded by İbrahim Kaypakkaya (following a split with Doğu Perinçek for being just the worst kind of revisionist) is “not doing half-bad lately, actually”.

“I don’t just mean that compared to the arch-sectarian RIM cultists in MKP, either,” said a representative of the DKP, speaking on condition of mentioning how fashionable his trainers looked. “They’re genuinely making good moves in Istanbul lately. Despite their wacky ‘People’s War’ in Dersim making them look like they’re still all kırdan şehre, I guess they are actually trying to reestablish relevance among the urban proletariat.

“Good for them” he concluded.

“The new songs are quite good, much better than ours,” confessed a representative of the MLKP, speaking through her Circassian-Turkish interpreter. “Not that it matters, since we can listen to anything the Kurds put out, but I’ll listen to that one about the homeland being a sea of blood. Goddamn Maoists know how to sing a tune, you know?”

Even cadres from the Marxist-Leninist-Lukácsist party TÖPG were complimentary: “If I was going to join an illegal party, it wouldn’t be my first choice,” said Fatma Kübra, one of their top cadres in Hatay. “But it also wouldn’t be my last choice? İbo was certainly more handsome than Deniz and Mahir. If I had to be waving around some dead man’s face for the rest of my life, I’d prefer it was him.”

“But Mao was quite ugly,” she added. “So that’s a minus. This is but one of many reasons why our party-initiative doesn’t have a bunch of dead men’s faces on flags.”

Not all Turkish communists agreed that the partisan forces of Comrade İbo were on the right track again. One of Worker’s Spatula’s own central committee members and proper EMEP man if ever there was one, [REDACTED], insisted that those elements impressed by the worker-peasant army were “betraying their petty bourgeois mentality” through their “fetishisation” of “this narodnik cult”.

DSİP cadres were similarly dismissive: “I don’t see how anyone can respect parties like that that hide behind the successes of an allied left group, in this case the Kurdish movement,” explained one “Levent Saygun”. “Unrelated, if you’re off to London, can you tell Callinicos his cheque was late again?”

Stefan Engel, who has been too busy with organisational details of this year’s ICOR Oktoberfest celebration in Bezirk Suhl, did finally pick up his phone to give his feedback on TKP/ML’s progress: “You know I’ve always liked them, I’ve always had faith they would do well in terms of… just a second… ARE THOSE SAUSAGES HALAL?… Yes, sorry. The issue is, they won’t join ICOR. I invited them, trust me. I invite them once a year. But they won’t join unless we explicitly take the line of Mao over Hoxha, which… I’m with the Kurds on this, in Turkey, you want to be on good terms with Hoxhaists.”

UPDATE: They fucked it all up again.

Jason Unruhe: “If Trump Wins, I’m Moving to the US”

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By Jason Unruhe

Many Americans, especially those on the left, have been threatening to move to Canada in the case of a Donald Trump victory in the coming elections. Naturally, withdrawing one’s labour from the workforce in order to achieve one’s aims is a time-honoured tactic, but in this case it looks as though it would be sporadic and unorganized, and hardly likely to cause the crisis in US capitalism that North America so desperately needs. Those advocating this line of action in general represent the labour aristocracy, when they are not outright petty bourgeois. Such people are obviously completely worthless to revolution in the analysis of our ingenious leader, Comrade Prairie Fire.

You see, in our analysis, a Trump victory would be a gift—a historical, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to undermine the great Satan and drastically reconstitute the very world in which we live. Yes, if Trump is elected, I call on all Canadians to move to the United States.

Communism in China did not emerge fully-formed without a period of great struggle; it was born out of contradictions which were exploited by the international communist movement. As Mao Tse Tung himself emphasized: “A good comrade is one who is more eager to go where the difficulties are greater.” What Canadian can deny that difficulties in the US are already greater? And does not every US comrade eagerly anticipate election day, when they will be able to cast their vote for Trump, just as Chairman Mao would have instructed?

Of course, we would be true reformists if we analysed electoral politics as the only avenue for struggle. We must consider the objective conditions among the masses in the US: Whilst the Yankee peasantry is ripe for rebellion and unquestionably well-armed, US society does not yet appear prepared to take part in a peasant and worker-led struggle against imperialist and capitalist hegemony, even during the years of the hated Bush regime. But after a Trump victory, how long can it possibly take before the contradictions of capitalism force radical change in one direction or other?

Unlike in Canada, where hardened communists like myself are unable to organise the First Nations proletariat for struggle, the United States has a frighteningly large population of oppressed nationalities workers living in third world conditions: Afro-Americans, Chicanos, Appalachians, Mormons, these are but some of the populations who would finally embrace my worldview under the apartheid-like conditions of a Trump presidency.

Truly, Worker’s Spatula were wise to pour so much of their time and resources into the Trump campaign. While others, like the reformist ICOR affiliate ROL, wasted time discussing the process of the campaign of Bernie Sanders (who is a mere shadow of the first worldist scoundrel Jeremy Corbyn), Worker’s Spatula ensured that the conditions would soon be ripe for revolutionaries from across Canada will have the conditions we need to actually effect change.

In order to ensure that conservatives and reactionaries do not hijack the struggle for their own ends, it is imperative that we as responsible Canadians stand up and pledge to do whatever we can to ensure that the US is helped onto the right path. Unfortunately, I cannot speak for the various reformist and revisionist organisations in Canada which organise the labour aristocracy and neglect the greater contradiction of imperialism. But speaking on behalf of the LLCO, I assure the oppressed nationalities in the US that they will not be left alone. All of our Canadian cadres are coming to help you struggle until victory.

Yes, if Trump wins, I’m moving to the US.

Today in Yesterday: The History of September 11th

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BOSTON – It is the common belief of much on the US left that September 11th was invented in 2001 by George W. Bush, as an alibi following his successful piloting of a Boeing 767 into the World Trade Centre. Much of the US left took notice of the renegade day for the first time, and concocted an elaborate conspiracy theory about the US government having done 9/11 once before, in 1973, in Chile. The existence of a country west of Argentina, unlike George W. Bush’s indisputable role in the World Trade Centre attack, remains deeply controversial even among Worker’s Spatula’s finest dialecticians.

However, it may surprise readers to learn that September 11th has indeed existed for many, possibly as many as 100 years. And while many so-called “revolutionaries” in the United States will waste this precious day again this year, discussing Patagonian politics with their uncle who merely wanted to explain that jet fuel can’t melt steel beams, there is one organisation in the United States which is talking about the REAL September 11th. “John Brown”, of the clandestine “CPUSA (Provisional)”, offers his recollections:

On September 11th, 1961, NATLFED, with the help of the CPUSA (Provisional) and the Sandinista National Liberation Front, achieved victory in a grassroots campaign for past due payment of non-unionised construction workers in the Boston area. One of those construction workers went on to join the CPUSA (Provisional), and he continues to organise the unorganised in the Boston area to this day.

This is the September 11th the state doesn’t want you to know about, man. It’s the story of everyday working people, coming together thanks to the tireless work of NATLFED volunteers, and building up a clandestine network that WILL one day topple the US state and bring about socialism. In Cuba they talk about it all the time, but the media doesn’t want you to know that. I personally am friends with Fidel, and he tells me that as long as the CPUSA (Provisional) keeps up its work, then one brave September 11th, US imperialism will be toppled from within.

Sure, other communist organisations may tell you they’re into some edgy underground shit, or have some cool foreign connections. But while the RCPUSA and the ISO and the ROL prattle on about Allende, only the CPUSA (Provisional) was involved in a secret meeting with Allende prior to his death in which he donated 100 crates of Heinz Baked Beans to a CPUSA (Provisional) food drive.

So next time you talk to some fake communist who thinks they know about revolution, ask them where they were on September 11th, 1961. I can tell you where I was: On the moon, dropping acid with Schafik Handal.

Japanese Communist Party Entering its Avant-Garde Phase

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OSAKA – Having long since abandoned any pretence of being a Leninist vanguard communist party, the Japanese Communist Party is now apparently experimenting with being an avant-garde communist party.

“work                            ers POLITICAL. political lacitilop L A B O U R ¿ J a           pan;;;;              elect      ion,” explained Kazuo Shii [No relation. –WS Editor in Chief] in the form of a poem recited in the place of a speech at a recent rally in Osaka, performed over a soundtrack of atonal guitar playing. “WAR! WAR! WAR! WAR! WAR! WAR! WAR! WAR! WAR! WAR! WAR! WAR! WAR! WAR! WAR! WAR! WAR!”

“Peace.” he concluded.

Michiro Endo, best known as vocalist for the seminal Japanese punk act ‘The Stalin’, hailed the change in presentation by the Eurocommunist party: “I’ve been saying for years that the party needs to rebrand itself in a bid to reach more people outside the traditional sites of industrial labour organising, and I’ve also for years endorsed the mentality reflected in their new slogan: ‘Humanity is naked with naughty bits a-floppin’, we are the communists, we won’t be stoppin’.”

Yasuko Onuki, of Melt-Banana fame, also expressed her hope that members of the Japanese punk scene would embrace the creative new direction of the JCP, and was enthusiastic about the idea of personally getting involved in helping to build the rejuvenated party: “I will play benefit concerts for them, just as long as I don’t have to shake hands with any of their friends from the CPUSA. There is not enough hand sanitiser in the world for me to do that.”

The Zainichi Korean community loyal to the Workers’ Party of Korea remains suspicious of the JCP. Although a recent protest was carried out “in support of the DPRK’s right to self defence”, our correspondent in Osaka found that most local Zainichi Koreans suspect this was done sarcastically, particularly after the protesters joined together in a song whose lyrics called on the DPRK to nuke Tokyo, Posadas style.

“This is Japan, you know?” explained Ms. Kim, head of a local youth organisation for Zainichi Koreans, “Even the communists talk about ‘Japanese sovereignty’ and refuse to acknowledge that Japan is still an imperialist country. We’re not hopeful that they’ll come to their senses.”

On the other end of the national question spectrum, there are the Ryukyu republicans, who have historically been warm to the JCP’s stance on the US military presence in Okinawa. However, the turn to the surreal has cost the party dearly, as an earnest march against the military presence was interrupted by local JCP cadres throwing noodles in every direction and screaming “LENIN WAS TAIWANESE! LENIN WAS TAIWANESE!” in the faces of the protestors, in what the JCP later described as “a biting satire about colonialism in the Asia-Pacific region”.

In response to this shocking turn of events, various Trotskyist groups around the world have released statements by their sister organisations in Japan who are literally better known in English language Trotskyist publications than they are in Japan itself. The Japanese people remain blissfully ignorant of the continued existence of Trotskyism.

New “Stalin Biography” Composed Entirely of Apocryphal Quotations

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BERKELEY, CALIFORNIA – The academic community and “the anti-Stalinist left” are abuzz at news of a new biography of Joseph Stalin entitled “Stalin: Man or Monster? (Monster)”. The book was the work of professor of Polish Language and Literature at UC Berkeley, Philip Tannenbaum, and incorporates all of the most famous apocryphal Stalin quotes, as well as some new ones unearthed in discussion with various political figures around the world.

Tannenbaum describes the work as his own “humble contribution to the field of winning internet arguments”. “No longer will basement-dwelling Stalinists be able to smugly end discussions with basement-dwelling anarchists and Trotskyists by typing “[citation needed]”. Now people who say they like Rosa Luxemburg but clearly haven’t read Rosa Luxemburg can simply cite an academic work which contains all their worst fears confirmed without circumspection.”

Positive reviews for the work have been appearing in news sources from the New York Times to the Guardian to the Age, and top intellectuals otherwise not overly concerned with Soviet Historiography have made sure to put forth their highest praise:

“A masterwork which lays bare the paranoid and sociopathic mind behind the most frightening ideology of the Twentieth Century,” gushed reviewer and moral compass of the British left Nick Cohen. “Only by understanding the thought processes contained in pithy and more or less unverifiable quotes by Stalin can we properly identify the most dangerous elements in the regressive left today. Not reading this book is a wreckless and irresponsible act.”

The book, which contains no dates, sources, or information other than quotes designed to reemphasise the received knowledge of Stalin’s villainy, includes such classic quotes as “The death of one man is a tragedy, the death of millions is a statistic”, “Ideas are more powerful than guns. We would not let our enemies have guns, why should we let them have ideas? ”, and “Death solves all problems — no man, no problem”. It also includes brand-new quotes, such as “Hitler and I are both socialists, fighting for the same things, chief among which is the annihilation of the Jewish race”, and “Whenever I use the word ‘dialectic’, it should be understood as a term which signifies a conspiracy lying deep at the heart of the Soviet state, and drawn directly from the Machiavellian writings of Hegel.”

The book has predictably been attacked by the marginal and useless loonies who still defend “Russia’s Hitler”, including Grover Furr:

“I just think people should assess the Stalin era on the basis of verifiable information in context, and judge Stalin himself as a representative of part of the party apparatus, rather than a sadistic mastermind who hurt people because he took some sort of perverse joy in the act,” said the raving lunatic when reached for comment from his office at Montclair State University.

Other insane communists similarly attacked the book as “pseudo-scholarship”, “slander”, “not actually a biography on purely technical grounds”, and “lolwut”.

Alfonso Casal, an academic chiefly known for his enthusiasm for all that is horrifying, from Albania to vampire films to Cuban cuisine, responded in a harshly worded public polemic which was later co-signed by Harpal Brar of the CPGB-ML. It reads, in part:

They say Stalin was a baddie. Well I say it’s good to be bad. I’m pretty bad myself. I wake up evil, eat a hearty breakfast of totalitarianism, and set off to work where I teach malevolent and harmful ideas to a generation that is already plainly rotten. But as much as I enjoy being a nefarious man, and as much as I hope to see everyone embracing the pure un-good that Stalin preached, you have to go about it the right way. Stalin was badder than the baddest you’ve ever seen, and I’m sorry to say that this book is quite bad at capturing just how bad Stalin was.

In the book, Stalin is just quoted as wanting to kill people. Shit, everybody wants to kill people. Three Trump supporters have expressed their desire to kill me today. Nobody’s impressed by that. If that’s your idea of bad, allow me to give you a lesson in the art of bad.

Stalin did some bad shit. One time, he had the Red Army march into Berlin and set up a people’s democracy in the baddest part of Germany. East Germany was the baddest Germany, and don’t you ever forget it. Another time, he smacked his son for thinking he could ever be as bad as his dad. He so excelled at the art of badness that he even banned George Michael and the Care Bears. But he never said that stupid shit that all of you people who think you know what it means to be bad claim that he said. He said much badder shit, publicly available in the form of his Collected Works. But that Trotskyite book you’re all quoting? That shit ain’t bad. It ain’t nothin’.