LONDON – Responding to claims that Blumenthal’s position on Syria reflects the critical anti-imperialist stance expected of left figures in imperialist countries like the US, a press conference was called by the CPGB-ML to assure everyone of the falsehood of these claims.
“Blumenthal can’t be an anti-imperialist, because he has never once come to speak at a CPGB-ML event,” explained Harpal Brar, the main speaker as always. “His claims that there is an imperialist plot for regime change in Syria is clearly a masterful tactic by Hillary Clinton. She’s playing the long game. Trust no one from the US. Spies are everywhere.” At this juncture, Chairman Bral jumped under the table, where he remained for the entirety of the press conference, which continued for another two hours.
“I have a source that can reveal that Blumenthal is the son of a Clinton advisor,” continued Bill Graves, to gasps from the audience. “Yes, it’s true. Max Blumenthal has now been proven to be the son of Sidney Blumenthal. He didn’t even choose a very good code name!
“The point is, we have to dig more deeply, if we are real dialectical materialists and not revisionist reformists,” said Graves. “Why would the Clinton family flip-flop like this on Syria? Because they want our votes! We trusted the Clintons once, never again! NO VOTE FOR CLINTON, BLUMENTHAL! NO VOTE FOR CLINTON!”
As of press time, our New York correspondent had confirmed that Max Blumenthal had committed ritual suicide for failing the real left across the English speaking world. In Jewish culture, this act is known as seppuku, and it is done to save face when one’s family has been shamed by basement dwelling romantic Stalinists and pro-imperialist post-Trotskyists.