KKE Leaves Syriza

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ATHENS – Following a lengthy debate at all levels over the past four years since the declaration of Syriza as a “party”, the Brezhnevite organisation known as the KKE has finally decided to leave Syriza and consider other options of engagement with bourgeois elections:

“Obviously, at the beginning, during the protests in the squares, we just wanted to unite in principled struggle with the people, rather than standing on the sidelines and preaching insane levels of purity, including the scolding of individual protesters, like a bunch of Trotskyites. So naturally we were very close to Syriza in those days,” explained a party spokesman sporting an extremely stylish Fidel Castro shirt.

“When it came time for Syriza to take part in elections, well, since we’ve always emphasised the importance of elections on the one hand and the legacy of Stalin and Brezhnev on the other, we simply had to take part in this clear example of popular front action.

“But lately we’re starting to consider that Syriza might have outlived its usefulness, and so we’re looking into perhaps joining Popular Unity, or Antarsya, or perhaps hosting some talks about the terms of a possible electoral alliance between the two.

“Anything to move beyond the sectarianism we’ve long condemned and provide a real way forward for our beloved Greek people, for whom we would sacrifice our very lives.”

Reactions from the rest of the Greek left have been mostly negative, with Greek Prime Minister or whatever he is Alexis Tsipras condemning the action as “ultra-left deviation by our last real friends in the EU, and the group on whom all of our hopes were so strongly pinned.

“Also, Koutsoumpas’s hair looks fucking terrible. This is why I get to be in charge and nobody’s even heard of you. I look like a sexy oil wrestler’s wet dream and you look like some kind of uncle from one of those countries where uncles don’t even grow moustaches.”

From the other side, Popular Unity and Antarsya were able to unite, but only in the action of releasing a joint statement condemning the KKE’s attempts at moving closer to them:

“There will never be a place for the KKE in Popular Unity or Antarsya. Both of our principles of unity clearly state that you must believe the Soviet Union went bad when either Lenin or Stalin died. It is simply unbefitting a Greek communist organisation to be able to explain your position on the Soviet Union without reference to any specific years.

“Frankly, you’re just not dialectical enough for us.”

Like everything else the KKE does, it is expected that the anti-Kurdish hate group KP and various “parties” in English-speaking countries will fall over themselves in sharing this latest example of heroism by the last real proletarian revolutionaries in Greece, the KKE.

“TRUMP STOLE THE ELECTION, AND IT’S A GOOD THING TOO!”

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STATEMENT OF THE WORKER’S SPATULA ARMED PROPAGANDA UNIT, KOBANÊ

Following the ongoing vote-counting in the imperialist United States, it becomes increasingly clear to us that the election of Donald Trump does not represent the democratic will of the peoples of the United States.

It has long been the practice of the Marxist-Leninists to struggle on behalf of the democratic will of the broad masses, and in popular fronts, in opposition to the left-wing deviation of the Trotskyites who vulgarly posit an essentialised class struggle, which is even in theory unable to combat imperialism, and is at any rate in practice unable to combat the fascism which inevitably follows therefrom.

Without speaking to the practical experience of the broad masses who, in their attacks on Trump’s election, clearly and forcefully repudiate the explicit mechanisms by which bourgeois leadership in the imperialist United States is decided, we cannot pretend to act as a true vanguard force. We would be but verbal radicals, condemning from the sidelines of the popular struggle.

On the other hand, we have long condemned the rightist errors associated with Mao Zedong Thought, and therefore cannot descend into the bourgeois error of support for Hillary Clinton and the Wall Street financiers whom she represents.

Consequently, we propose the slogan: TRUMP STOLE THE ELECTION, AND IT’S A GOOD THING TOO!

This slogan perfectly captures the farcical nature of bourgeois elections in the imperialist United States, wherein the oppressed Afro-American people are held back from even individual participation in the system which “democratically” exploits and oppresses them; wherein archaic divisions of the territory of the United States, devised by the land-owning class with open disdain for the revolutionary masses, are used to empower the most reactionary face of the imperialistic status quo, disproportionately through votes garnered from the poorest sections of the oppressor Yankee nation; wherein the corrupt bourgeois media silences all meaningful left dissent, while simultaneously trumpeting the most retrograde positions of fascist and near-fascist elements under the guise of ‘free speech’!

It also perfectly captures the fact that, thank God Trump won, honestly. Can you imagine having to do left politics in the US with eight years of Hillary Clinton up top? God, that would’ve been awful.

This slogan’s two parts are an excellent example of our vanguard method, whereby the first part meets the #NotMyPresident masses where they are, filled with rage about the unfairness of a system which grows more and more openly reactionary each day, and the second part makes it clear that this was a necessary evil to wake them up to the severity of the contradictions of US society and join into immediate and total revolutionary struggle for the liberation of all oppressed nations in the United States and for the smashing of US capitalism-imperialism!

We call upon all democratic, socialist, and revolutionary forces in the United States to take up this slogan in condemnation of the kleptocratic Trump administration even before it begins, and also to work together with it to smash the forces of the white labour aristocracy and petty bourgeoisie who voted for Hillary Clinton, and who drink the blood of the oppressed from Jalalabad to Jackson, Mississippi.

DOWN WITH THE OBAMA-CLINTON CLIQUE WHO OPPRESS THE SIOUX PEOPLE AT STANDING ROCK! FOR TRUMP, AGAINST OBAMA!

TRUMP STOLE THE ELECTION, AND IT’S A GOOD THING TOO!

DOWN WITH CLINTONITE IMPERIALISM, LIBERATION FOR ALL THE PEOPLES WHO ARE SOON TO BE OPPRESSED BY TRUMPITE FASCISM!

-Worker’s Spatula Armed Propaganda Unit, Kobanê

First Foreign Production of Hamilton a Hit

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ANTAKYA, PEOPLE’S REPUBLIC OF HATAY – The atmosphere was tense at the sell-out premiere tonight of the first-ever foreign production of the Broadway hit Hamilton in Antakya in southern Turkey (more specifically in the de facto independent People’s Republic of Hatay). Worker’s Spatula’s local correspondent and TÖPG militant, [REDACTED], received a special invitation from director Cem Karagün to see how the magic was made:

WS: You must be very excited to have brought this musical to Turkey. What inspired you to do it?

CK: Well, after we heard it had played such an important role in taking down the Obama government, it was a natural next step to bring it here and see if it could do the same thing.

WS: I see. So how did you manage to get hold of the rights?

CK: Our next step was to ask our sister organisation in the US to help us out. They found out that one of the cleaners at the theatre was a member of a Trotskyite sect, but rather than have him ice-axed, they traded him a newspaper subscription for copies of the script and sheet music.

WS: And how have the people of Armutlu responded to the musical?

CK: We’ve had an overwhelming response, really. From the moment that Hamilton witnesses the glories of Castro’s revolution in Cuba as a child. to his shooting in the back by the imperialists during a kind of Communist version of the Sheikh Said rebellion, people are jumping out of their seats and ululating. Before you know it, they had stormed a nearby police station and were passing the weapons out to anyone who would take them – and this is just the first night.

WS: It’s fair to say you’ve made a few tweaks to adjust the musical to the local political culture?

CK: Well yes, of course. People here don’t really respond particularly well to extended discussions about constitutional matters, but they did appreciate the insistence that armed struggle and revolution were the solution to contemporary problems. So we adjusted it to focus on that point.

WS: Some here have found the inclusion of a rapping Asian-American Mahir Çayan to be controversial.

CK: That’s the best bit.

WS: Well, congratulations on your successful transfer of the musical, wishing you many successes!

CK: Long live the popular front and the revolution! Long live President Assad! Long live Hamilton!

Liechtensteiner ICOR Affiliate Discovered

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VADUZ, LIECHTENSTEIN – A wrong turn by one of our Viennese correspondents led them to accidentally enter Liechtenstein, the rarest and highest HP value of all the German-speaking countries. While there, he decided to visit an old comrade presently teaching at the Wirtschaftswissenschaftsfakultät of the University of Liechtenstein.

The comrade, [REDACTED] provided him with a copy of the newsletter of der Revolutionäre Organisation Liechtensteins (ROL), the Liechtensteiner ICOR affiliate, which describes itself as “the only genuine Marxist-Leninist organisation operating from within the belly of the imperialist beast that is Liechtenstein”. Below are some selections from this rare and extremely anti-revisionist organisation. Reader discretion is advised:

New Octobers: Yes! Liechtenstein: No!

The world needs a new October Revolution today. Where the first one shall be, no one can say, but one can say that it will not be in Liechtenstein. Liechtenstein is the most dangerous and reactionary entity imagineable, and the only solution to its contradictions is its utter and complete destruction.

We call upon our comrades, the toiling masses of Liechtenstein, particularly the Gastarbeiters whose exploited labour allows the labour aristocracy of Liechtenstein to grow fat and stupid, as well as the escalator repairmens union in which we have long been active, to rise up to destroy Liechtenstein and help its people unite with their brothers and sisters in Switzerland and Austria.

We call upon all our fraternal organisations of ICOR to unite with us in our call for the destruction of Liechtenstein, and work for the overturning of all existing social conditions and a glorious red dawn for a new day tomorrow!

Workers of the world and oppressed peoples – unite!

Liechtenstein must be destroyed!

Other pieces attacked rival left-wing formations in Liechtenstein, such as they are:

Pepo Frick – Scoundrel and spectacled traitor

In our analysis, the single greatest threat to the toilers of the pseudo-country known as Liechtenstein is the scoundrel and spectacled traitor who calls himself Pepo Frick. Pepo Frick, if that is his real name, stands as the smiling face of social-democracy in Liechtenstein. Little do the confused masses of Liechtenstein realise that social-democracy, far from being a “left” trend, is actually the historical friend of Nazism and the cold-blooded assassins of Rosa Luxemburg and Karl Liebknecht.

If tomorrow the entirety of the ROL is found floating dead in the Rhine, slaughtered by bloodthirsty Nazis, know that it was Pepo Frick who delivered this fate unto us.

Remain ever-vigilant comrades: No to social-democracy, NO TO PEPO FRICK!

On the final page, some truly unique theoretical positions were on display:

Stalin – REVISIONIST?

We, der Revolutionäre Organisation Liechtensteins (ROL), have never shied away from controversy when declaring our bold theoretical stances. We declared Mao to have dangerously deviated from the correct line before Enver Hoxha did, and we declared Enver Hoxha to have embraced the Three Worlds Theory before the elements that would become the Bolşevik Parti in North Kurdistan – Turkey did. We declared Bob Avakian to be a Trotskyite before the RIM did, and we declared the DPRK to be Trotskyites just so we could take a stance literally no one else has.

We now wish to unveil our boldest theory yet: Joseph Stalin was himself a Trotskyite revisionist, worse even than Lenin in his deviations from the correct line of Marxism-Leninism, defensible only against the immediate and total threat of international fascism, led by Ernest Mandel…

It goes on like this for a few paragraphs.

We wish our newfound comrades in Liechtenstein all the best, and call upon all sympathetic forces in Austria and Switzerland to unite with them in struggle, and struggle with them in unity.

Humourless Marxist Reviews: Arrival

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2016’s Arrival, starring Amy Adams, Jeremy Renner, and Forest Whitaker, tells the story of first contact with an alien species, and the philosophical and linguistic implications thereof.

It also fucking sucks, and I hated it.

Yes, Arrival is a terrible goddamn film. It was fucking boring and stupid. I strongly disliked it. And if you liked it, you’re bourgeois.

You might quote all the critics who loved the film, as well as your wide circle of friends, saying that the film was beautifully produced, splendidly acted, intellectually deep, etc. And to all of that, I would say: Those critics are bourgeois, your friends are bourgeois, the production team and the actors are incredibly bourgeois.

In addition to being bourgeois yourself, you are almost certainly some sort of revisionist.

“Oh, look at me, I’m Amy Adams! Can we communicate with these aliens before the Chinese blow them up?”* I don’t fucking care, Amy Adams! All I care about is organising the industrial proletariat for strikes, marches, and other forms of direct action against the growing fascist tide sweeping across the globe!

“Oh, I’m Forest Whitaker, I’m in the military! Let’s hire a linguist to translate these aliens’ jibber-jabber before the Chinese ruin everything!”* STOP BLAMING THE CHINESE FOR EVERYTHING, FOREST WHITAKER! YOU’VE BEEN AN IMPERIALIST STOOGE SINCE THE CRYING GAME!

You know how I perceive time, you bourgeois hacks? I perceive it in terms of the hours of my life robbed from me in the form of wage labour. And when I’m sitting through your boring film, I perceive it in terms of how much I had to pay for a ticket to this steaming pile of bourgeois crap, money that represents those same hours I put in as a wage labourer!

The sort of people who like Arrival probably like bourgeois nonsense like M. Night Shyamalan. Proletarians can’t afford films anymore, and that’s why all films these days are bourgeois and terrible.

When the revolution comes, the Proletarian Film Awards will not pay attention to awful films like Arrival.

*Actual dialogue taken from the film.

Turkey Condemns Violence Against Anti-Trump Protesters

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ANKARA – Following news of multiple shooting deaths of peaceful anti-Trump protesters in multiple cities across the United States, the Turkish Ministery of Foreign Affairs has condemned the United States’ disproportionate use of force against peaceful protesters.

Additionally, a travel warning has been issued to Turkish citizens in the US, advising them to return to the safety and stability of Turkey in 2016.

Across Turkey, MHP thugs in the process of beating Kurds in the street paused from their daily activities to comment on how this demonstrated the now 100% MHP-approved AKP government had finally restored Turkey to its rightful place in the family of nations.

“That sünnetsiz Trump is already brutalising his own citizens, in the same country that has for years tried to intervene in our democracy,” opined one Ahmet Bozkurt, referring to the years of CIA funding to his party and other right-wing forces of Turkish fascism which had suppressed the Kurdish national movement and various communist organisations.

Flipping his tespih with one hand while using the other to hold down Ali Savaş – a helpless Kurdish worker who had come to Bozkurt’s native Trabzon to feed his impoverished Mêrdîn family – Bozkurt continued: “This’ll really tell the west to stop meddling in our affairs and using their so-called ‘human rights’ against us and no other country.”

“İnsan olmayan Kürtlerin insan hakları yok ki,” he concluded, landing another blow to the worker’s face.

İzmir police officer and longtime MHP-voter Hakan Top agreed: “There’s definitely no difference in the level of repression of protests between our countries, they only hate us because we’re Muslims.”

“They’re all Kurd-lovers too,” he added, before pepper-gassing the interior of his police truck, which contained a sixteen-year-old girl affiliated with TÖPG youth wing Liseli Kıvılcım, as well two youngsters affiliated with the SGDF.

“The days of double standards are over,” explained Mardin native and state-appointed cleric Abdullah Çelikçioğlu. “In the old days, the US would invade Arab countries to fight people they called terrorists, and when Turkey did the same thing… I dunno what happened actually, but now presumably nothing will happen.”

MHP sources are still divided as to whether protesting Trump is actually desirable, with most insisting on “waiting to see where Trump stands on Kurds” before forming any opinion whatsoever.

Trump-Voting Teacher Breaks Down Barriers with Stereotype-Shattering Letter

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PHILADELPHIA – Students in Ms. Malfray’s 3rd grade class at Penn Valley Elementary School in Levittown, Pennsylvania, became emotional Friday when they read a letter she had put up for the class after Donald Trump’s election as President of the United States.

“Dear class,” it read. “Some of you have heard some hurtful things since Donald Trump was elected. I’ve had students tell me that other children taunt them by saying that President Trump will kick them out of our country. This is unacceptable behaviour.

“Even if I and the other teachers at this school voted for Trump, this does not mean that we don’t see you as important members of our school. For example, Juan: You may think just because me and the other teachers were on the street the other day, chanting ‘Mr. Trump, build that wall!’, that we agree with that boy who pushed you and told you to get your beaner ass back to Mexico. But if we Trump supporters were so bad, why would your abuela, Hillary Clinton, be encouraging you to support President Trump?

“Trump says he is going to help everybody, not only white people. I believe we’re all going to come together to make America great again. We can learn from legal American citizens of different backgrounds. Like little Jeffrey Lee: I think the whole class agrees you are very special. You are the best at math, and your mother can teach our more Americanised parents about discipline. We’ve all been coddled by the California liberal elite, and that’s why America doesn’t win anymore. We’re all losers. Not like the Chinese.”

At this point in the letter-reading, Jorge (the “Juan” referenced in the prior paragraph) patted Korean-American student Jeffrey Lee on the back.

“Fatima: we don’t see you as a terrorist. We definitely don’t blame you for the twin towers. Mr. Trump doesn’t either, and he proved it by removing that thing about your people from his website. Now he’s just like Hillary Clinton, except he’s going to give your dad a job! Maybe then you won’t have to be married off to a much older man at the age of 15, never to be heard from by anyone in this country ever again.

“Ari: even though you’re a Jew, we don’t think of you as being tight with money, or worry that you’ll sacrifice our first-born Christian children to your were-god. You promise not to, though, right?

“And finally, Наранцэцэг: our Mongol stereotypes are a little out of date, but we certainly don’t think you’ll start a horde and start looting Utah. And if you did, we wouldn’t really mind, because it’s full of Mormons. No offence, Aaron.

“All of you students are real Americans in my eyes, and I’m proud to know every single one of you. Just as long as you don’t pull some Black Lives Matter, Stalin Kaepernick shit.

“USA. USA. USA.”

Wow! What a great statement of unity and togetherness in the face of those divisive protests! If only all America were as willing to reject stereotypes and reach across the aisle as Ms. Malfray!

Trump and Žižek: “Necessity isn’t Necessary”

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WASHINGTON D.C. – Following his monumental victory over the forces of Clintonite fascism, Donald Trump agreed to take part in a live discussion segment on Fox News earlier today with fellow philosopher, accelerationist, and known Slovene Slavoj Žižek. The topic, chosen by Trump, was “What does Hegel mean for politics today?”

Žižek began the discussion thus: “I think one of the most important moments in Hegel is where he identifies the importance of the French Revolution not in its mere overturning of the old order, but how its participants actually took active part in radical attacks on the very institutions they themselves erected in the pursuit of the ideals those institutions represented.”

“Philosophy of Right, a personal favourite,” interjected a nodding and dignified-looking Trump. “The best.”

“How do you think this conception of revolutionary change will apply to your presidency?” Žižek asked the president-elect, previously best known for his halal steak business, Trump Steaks.

“Slavoj, let me tell you, it’s gonna be huge. We’re going to negate all the negations. We’re going to sublate so much you’re going to get tired of all the sublation. We’re going to American manufacture multiple levels of contradiction and sell them to the Chinese.”

At this point in the discussion, Hannibal Buress appeared behind Trump and began clapping alone for several seconds.

“Make America dialectical again. We’re going to put America back to work more and more until the quantity transforms into quality and then right the fuck back into quantity. Big time.”

“Do you suppose that your victory signifies a success in appropriating fascism, but for the left?” asked Žižek, apparently in earnest.

“Slavoj, my good friend, and, hold on, I gotta say this, I really love this guy. Of all the Slovenes who have ever handled my genitals, he is easily in the top ten. Easily. He handles genitals big league. But to answer your question, if I were to say what my campaign was about, it wasn’t about freedom. That’s not the thing in itself. Because freedom isn’t free, but neither is necessity. Additionally, neither are, strictly speaking, necessary. And that’s the sort of America I want to live in.”

“That was an Engels joke, you see what we did there, right?” asked Žižek, breaking the fourth wall for the benefit of any CPGB-ML readers who may have stumbled across our liberal, bourgeois, Scottish nationalist page.

The last four minutes of the interview were dominated by both participants sniffing continuously and tugging at their own clothes, just looking very uncomfortable.

Enver Hoxha Elected President of the United States

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WASHINGTON D.C. – Following a tense campaign between feminist theorist Hillary Clinton and male underwear model Donald Trump, the polls for the 2016 US Presidential Election closed today with every single state reporting back a win for the late Albanian socialist Enver Hoxha.

Most analysts are at a loss for how the deceased anti-imperialist who is not even a US citizen could have beaten out the Clinton dynasty and Trump’s name-brand recognition as a famous academic and gourmet halal butcher. However, communists across the world are making the claim that the accelerationist strategy of the many US communists who infiltrated Trump’s campaign has actually paid off: The fascist threat was simply perceived as so great that the masses across the United States had nowhere to turn but a heroic anti-fascist partisan leader.

Across the United States, celebrating youth took to the streets with their Albanian flags. “It’s really happening!” exclaimed a young woman who identified herself as “Red Dawn”, with tears of joy in her eyes, “The revisionists are going to get it now! Throw ’em into the fire, break their backs!”

“We did it, comrades! Marxism-Leninism, Marxism-Leninism, Marxism-Leninism!” announced Hoxha campaign representative Alfonso Casal, from his personal bunker in Chicago. “Hope is all around us. Liberation is coming. I would like to announce my own candidacy for mayor of Chicago. I will be running on a platform of punching Rahm Emanuel in the fucking face.”

In her concession speech, Clinton stated that “Although I think expropriating the expropriators, national liberation, and bunkers from sea to shining sea are not the sort of policies that will help America, I believe in the peaceful transition of power. This is what makes our country truly great, and I call on all Americans to accept that we now live under a dictatorship of the proletariat.”

For his part, Trump responded to the question “How do you feel about losing?” by saying “Oh, did I lose?” before laughing a big belly laugh and evaporating before the very eyes of assembled reporters.

Our Santiago representative sat down with a young man in dire need of a haircut to discuss the international reaction to the Hoxha win:

“Well, tas tas tas, obviously.” explained the PC(AP) representative. “The ICMLPO is ecstatic, and ICOR elements are already looking into how to use this win as leverage in the campaigns to free Figen Yüksekdağ and Alp Altınörs.

“The RIM Maoists have declared it a win for ‘dogmato-revisionism’, but who really understands what those guys are talking about? Red suns and higher stages and dogmato-revisionism, it’s all quite spooky.”

The KKE also released a statement which summarised the win as representing “the will of the people of the United States, and proof that exclusively running in bourgeois elections while eschewing all compromise is a sure path to victory.”

While international communist response to the Hoxha win was generally cautiously optimistic to positive, the local official representatives of “communism”, the CPUSA, released the following statement:

“We condemn this adventurist victory on behalf of the Enver Hoxha campaign, which, like the Sanders campaign before it, could threaten the Democrats’ ability to control 100% of the senate and congress, which we must reiterate is the only way in which we can hope to subjectively intervene and present ourselves with better objective conditions.”

Fascist Counter-Protest Dispersed via Reverse Psychology

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HAMBURG – A tense stand-off with some wolf-howling Turkish fascists counter-protesting a crowd of Kurdish and Turkish progressives who had been protesting the mass arrest of HDP parliamentarians ended unexpectedly peacefully today, thanks to the careful deployment of an unusual brand of reverse psychology by one Ronî Akbulut, a professional Kurdish troll.

The simmering tension between the two sides almost reached a head around 2:45 PM local time, when a particularly burly ülkücü positioned himself in front of Akbulut and a comrade and began cursing them as follows: “You PKK sons of bitches, I’ll fuck your cunts.”

While Akbulut’s comrade, who drew himself up so that his face was within mere centimetres of the face of his fascist foe, elected to curse back, Akbulut cleverly chose another tactic:

“No sir, I think you’ll find that it’s actually you who’s the PKK. You’re dividing Turkey.”

“What?” asked a nearby crowd of fascists, craning their necks so that they could better observe this startling turn of events.

“Yes,” explained Akbulut, “while I can see why you might think that we, with our Kurdish slogans and Apo flags and so forth, are the PKK, you’re the PKK. All of you. We’re actually Erdoğan.”

“You’re Erdoğan?” asked a confused bozkurt with a long ponytail.

“Yes. In fact, I am Turkey, and you’re dividing me with your terror. Türk ırkı sağolsun. Now go, and terrorise no more.”

Within minutes, all local MHPliler had returned to their animal skin-filled hideout in order to process their newfound identity crisis, while the Kurds and their red allies returned to protesting in peace.

“BIJÎ BIRATIYA GELAN! KURDISTAN GORISTAN JI BO FAŞÎSTAN!”