MELBOURNE – Following widely publicised failure to win over Melbourne’s generally liberal Jewish community to her fascistic rhetoric, Pauline Hanson and her unpretentiously named Pauline Hanson’s One Nation party are seeking out other non-Christian groups to jump on her bandwagon of anti-Muslim hatemongering.
“I thought for sure the Jews hated the Muslims even more than I do, but they’re not biting,” explained Hanson. “Good for nothing, frankly. We may have to deport them as well.”
“Anyway, I found a minority group that literally fled Sharia law to come here: the Iranians.
“I know, I know, that would sound like they’re Muslim refugees, which isn’t exactly our thing. But get this: There are non-Muslims in Iran. We’re going after the Zoroastrians.”
Hanson took our correspondent with her on her next campaign stop, a prayer meeting of Zoroastrians in a small house in Caulfield. We were escorted inside by a young man who explained to us that the fire ritual before us was a blessing for the home.
“Look at the fire, yeah? Just like a barbie. They’re real Australians, not like the Muzlims and Abos.”
“Muslims don’t like barbies?” enquired our correspondent.
“Nah, they hate ’em. Mostly curry and dim sum, that’s what they like,” explained Hanson absently, transfixed on the flickering flames before her.
Our correspondent, unsatisfied with Hanson’s criteria for accepting the Zoroastrians into Australia’s warm embrace, pressed on: “But aren’t they covering their faces? Isn’t that what you call…”
“It’s not a burqa!” snapped Hanson, suddenly turning her full attention back to our correspondent, who found herself backed up against the wall by a livid Hanson: “They’re not covering women’s faces, but men’s! In fact, I reckon they’re just doing it to upset the Muzlims.”
“I’m not sure that’s how this, or the world, works…” responded our correspondent, sceptically.
“Look,” said Hanson, pulling our correspondent by the arm into a side room, “I’ve had it up to here with all of you reporters, with your facts. Don’t you think I don’t know they’re all wogs? But so what, the country’s already mostly Asian, because you didn’t listen to me last time. The least I can do is get some of these Asians on my side before there’s a headscarf on you, young lady.”
Convinced by Hanson’s passionate convictions and consistent talking points, our correspondent sent a communique back to headquarters urging the editorial staff to endorse Pauline Hanson as the choice for Zoroastrians and all other non-Muslim Asian minorities in Australia afraid of wearing the headscarf.
The Central Committee responded with an e-mail containing only a link to this video:
At time of press, Hanson was on television addressing a hall full of non-Muslim Iranians: “My dear Zoroastrians,” she began.
A hand went up from the back of the hall: “Bahá’i.”
“Bye-bye to you, I’m just getting started…”