George Michael Latest Casualty in War on Christmas

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OXFORDSHIRE – While 2016 has claimed the lives of many bourgeois celebrities, Worker’s Spatula notes with special sadness the passing of George Michael. George Michael’s music has long provided the soundtrack to our revolutionary activities, long before there was a Worker’s Spatula as such. Ever since he jitterbugged into the heart of our oldest member in the early 1980s, George Michael has been a glorious symbol of our fight against fascism. From his own public struggle against the Thatcherite and Blairite scum, to our use of his song “Freedom!” to celebrate the liberation of Kobanê from ISIS, few bourgeois singers more perfectly encapsulate the spirit of resistance that Worker’s Spatula seeks to raise up among the masses than George Michael, bard of the people’s struggle.

While our comrade Jeremy Corbyn is leading the public commemoration of this heroic anti-fascist troubadour, we at Worker’s Spatula wanted to discuss George Michael’s life and death, and what they meant for us.

Although we could never convince George Michael to write for or contribute financially to Worker’s Spatula (on the grounds of his support for TKEP/L in Turkey, as opposed to the strict anti-revisionism of Worker’s Spatula), many of our cadres were close to him due to shared interests, including cottaging, bursting into song, hating Margaret Thatcher and Tony Blair, and bursting into songs about hating Margaret Thatcher and Tony Blair whilst cottaging. On several occasions, the editor-in-chief of Worker’s Spatula was known to partake in one or more of these activities together with George Michael, who remained on friendly terms in spite of the aforementioned Brezhnevite/Hoxhaite issue.

George Michael’s untimely death caught us all by surprise, leading to the unavoidable conclusion that he was assassinated by the Tories. The Tory scum chose Christmas to assassinate him because they hate Christmas, and joy, and the laughter of children. In particular, the Tories detest the laughter of the working class children of England today, who are constantly to be seen on public transportation wearing Worker’s Spatula t-shirts and singing the songs of George Michael, like “Faith”, “I Want Your Sex”, and “Polyushko-polye”.

Last Christmas, we gave our hearts to George Michael’s best friend in the whole world, Jeremy Corbyn, when he quoted Enver Hoxha at the Labour Christmas party. But the very next year, George Michael was taken from us. 2016 has been nothing if not a difficult year for communist revolutionaries and George Michael fans alike. But we must stand tall and remain hopeful in spite of these setbacks. That’s what George Michael would have wanted.

After all, his last words were: “DON’T MOURN, ORGANISE!”

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