17-Year-Old Building Own Cult of Personality

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CHICAGO – 17-year-old Aaron Gold, or as he has recently begun insisting his followers refer to him, “Chairman Aaron”, is hard at work creating his very own cult of personality at CICS Northtown, where he has been relatively successful at promoting a Marxist-Leninist approach to politics among his classmates.

“Today we’re celebrating Chairman Aaron’s birthday, which is also the anniversary of the beginning of dekulakisation” explained Chairman Aaron’s best friend and first recruit, Joshua Washington. “Not with a cake or whatever, that’s exactly what the kulaks would want. No, we’re going to screen a documentary I made on my laptop about the time Chairman Aaron won a debate with some old revisionist from the CPUSA.”

“Chairman Aaron is our only real teacher at this bourgeois school,” explained Sara Ahadi, who was drawn to Chairman Aaron’s ideas while seated next to him during a particularly boring maths lecture. “We were talking about Trump, and I mentioned being annoyed by these white women who are still wearing their Clinton buttons, who never joined in with Black Lives Matter. He said we should try to unite with them against this common enemy without granting them hegemony. He says that in many cases, our initial differences might be ‘subliminalated’ in a ‘populist front’, which we can use to win over some of the Meghan Trainor fans (Marxist-Leninists listen to Sia).

“My mom says he meant ‘sublated’, but Chairman Aaron says she’s a Brezhnevite, so what does she know?”

Chairman Aaron is constantly seen meeting with diverse groups of students, adopting their mannerisms and style of speech in an attempt to facilitate a more dialectical communication process. Among Jewish students, he is always to be heard mentioning his single Jewish grandparent, while also fasting for the entire month of Ramadan as part of his infiltration of Muslim student groups.

“Have y’all heard about this murder clown Michael Israel? Homeboy got killed by a Turkish airstrike while fighting ISIS with his crew, the IFB,” explained Chairman Aaron to a small huddle of juggalos in the corner of the cafeteria.

“That’s what’s up, ninja,” intoned “Axeboy”, one of three nodding juggalos at the table as they inspected Chairman Aaron’s rendering of YPJ guerrillas in clown makeup, splitting the skulls of those whack ISIS bigots.

“Exploitation, alienation, oppression, imperialism; all that shit is whack,” explained one of the juggalos, who asked that he be credited as “Homidical Nutt”. “When Chairman A gets to talkin’ ’bout the dialectic, it’s just like the Dark Carnival, yo!”

“Yo, Chairman A was telling us about this dope homeboy Stalin, from Atlanta or some shit,” chimed in “Nonprovocative Steve”, the third member of the juggalo crew. “This crazy ninja killed Hitler, that’s like the most fucked-up bigot of all time!”

“Word,” concluded “Axeboy”, as he poured his juggalo comrades and our correspondent some plastic cups full of warm, flat Faygo. “Chairman A knows everything. I’m going to tattoo his face on my shaft as the ultimate symbol of my dedication to a critical approach to all established conditions. It’s gonna stretch out when I’m thinking about contradictions and rapidly contract in the event of quantitative change effecting qualitative change.”

“Me too,” agreed the others.

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SNP Host “Bash the Fash” Burns Supper

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GLASGOW – Wi 2017 leukin tae be a mair anti-fascist year as wis thocht, Nicola Sturgeon hae seen fit tae annunce that the SNP will caipitalise on this faur ben trend amang the Scots fowk by hostin a Antifa Burns Nicht:

“Rabbie Burns wis a radical, he wis,” expleened Sturgeon at the Glasgow riot/press conference. “He laithed baith kirk an croun, an we want tae hae a Burns Supper whit reflects this.”

“Aye,” gree’d Mhairi Black. “We’re tae sing Ewan MacColl sangs o Stalin an Ho Chi Minh, birn a Union Jaik an aw… ‘Tis gangin tae be the maist anti-Westminster Burns Nicht o aw time.”

Public reaction tae the annuncement hae been generally guid: “Scotland is a laund o rebels, the cauf kintra o James Connolly an Sean Connery, we daena care for Nazis in thir pairts,” expleened a masked Glaswegian lounie.

Rangers fans, for thair pairt, are awready hyte at the annuncement: “‘Tis mair evident o the SNP’s couterin o left-weeng hooligans, gin thay attack honest richt-weeng hooligans like masel,” expleened local Rangers supporter Andrew “Bud” Andrews, motionin at a nearby menyie o Celtic fans.

“Thay’re a purely creeminal element thay are, the fuckin tims!”

Tweel the drink at the celebrations will be whisky, but thare is a clypach o a differ ower gin it shoud be the weel-lued Laphroaig, o Tomintoul, on accoont o the Sassenachs canna pronoonce it.

But aye, thare will be haggis o the vegan, halal, an raiglar kynd, so aw o the Wirker’s Spatula correspondents whit come micht eat awee.

Aye, dear readers, the Spatula sall be thare. For it will be oor task tae read Burns’s classic verse, Ode to a Spatula.

Worker’s Spatula Central Committee on Trump Inauguration

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KO SAMUI, THAILAND – The Worker’s Spatula (WS) Central Committee made a rare public appearance today in a luxury resort on the beautiful island of Ko Samui on the occasion of the inauguration of Donald Trump as a President of the United States of Freedom But Not Necessity.

A brief statement was read by a US comrade, wearing – like all the other Central Committee members – an Islamic bathing suit, sunglasses and a keffiyeh wrapped round his face to hide his identity:

As is well known, Worker’s Spatula was the single most powerful force behind Donald Trump’s victory over not only the RCPUSA-backed Ted Cruz, but the Trotskyite Hillary Clinton. We relentlessly supported him at a time when all the typical left-liberal comedians were still laughing at him.

WELL WHO’S LAUGHING NOW, MOTHERFUCKERS? THE SPATULA!

This comedy, however, was just a red herring. Did anyone see that movie? No?

So, we would like to announce, as you have all doubtless figured out by now, that the US presidential election was a charade. Donald Trump is in fact an impostor pretending to be president. The real president, as everyone predicted all along, will be labour aristocracy-coddler and soup addict Bernie Sanders.

Congratulations to Bernie Sanders on your well-deserved win! You did it, buddy!

Victory to the masses rising up against the farcical and clearly satirical “presidency” of Donald Trump, focal point of the ever-accelerating dialectic!

LAND AND FREEDOM TO ALL OPPRESSED PEOPLES IN THE IMPERIALIST UNITED STATES!

DEATH TO HILLARY CLINTON AND BARACK OBAMA!

WORKER’S SPATULA: WE OUT!

Fireworks lit up the night sky over the beach across which the WS Central Committee was walking, slurping on their delicious alcohol-free cocktails served in sliced-up coconuts.

A German comrade was heard mumbling „Wer nicht mal so viel von Dialektik versteht, der kann mich im Arsch lecken…“ as he disappeared under a palm tree.

“The USSR Never Fell”, say CIA-backed Leftists

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CHICAGO – It has been nearly 50 years since all of these U.S. left-wing organisations have been able to sit together in the same room, and the tension is palpable. But no one present is here to revive old arguments about Trotsky, Mao, and Stalin, or whether it is better to organise on a trans-national class basis or on the basis of oppressed nations.

“We have to refute these bourgeois lies,” Carrie Szymanski, founder of the Three Worlds Society began, to rapturous applause: “The USSR never fell, and those who claim that Kazakhstan or Estonia are sovereign states are victims of the most base FBI psy-ops.”

The conference—”Towards A Worker’s Struggle Against Revisionism: New Perspectives”—was called on short notice to coincide with the inauguration of president-elect Donald Trump, and brought together various far-left CIA front groups—no matter whether M, ML, MLM, MLT, or MLTP in ideology—for the first time since a series of acrimonious splits in the mid-20th century.

“Anyone who claims that the country Sarah Palin could see from her house is the so-called ‘Russian Federation’ has objectively fallen into dogmato-revisionist Brezhnevo-Bordigaism, and is standing in the way of the inevitable victory of Communism,” Szymanski continued, sending the crowd to fever pitch of shouting.

Bob Avakian, who has taken a break from his busy schedule as the Karl Marx of our time to attend the conference was next up at the podium. Upon seizing the microphone, he began: “Yes, y’all. Is this thing on? The Soviet imperialists are indeed still a threat. Together with the forces of the FBI, the Soviet Imperialists conspired to defeat our popular front efforts with Ted Cruz during the Republican primaries.

“If we stop the FBI, we stop Russia: This dangerous internal arm of US imperialism has time and again thwarted our efforts to educate the Afro-American masses about their national leader, Bob Avakian. Anyone who does not now unite with the CIA in struggle against the FBI is objectively Phünwangist.”

The US SWP sent up their spokesperson next: “Isn’t the real problem Hamas? I mean, just think about it. Really think about it,” they said, to approving nods from the assembled.

So what has led all of these diverse CIA front groups to temporarily bury the hatchet after so many years of semi-libellous journal articles, exchanges of cursing on obscure Yahoo Newsgroups and occasional spite-fucking?

“Normally, we wouldn’t be able to convince Trotskyist CIA members to endorse a call that doesn’t include a reference to the Soviet Union as ‘Stalinist’,” explained Szymanski to us on the floor of the conference hall. “However, the election of Donald Trump is a move that threatens all CIA-backed left groups, and so for once they had to show some fucking solidarity.”

Should the USSR remain an extant and sovereign state, a position which every single one of the conference’s speakers vigorously defended, Donald Trump’s perceived closeness with Moscow would radically decrease his popularity among the Republican base, hampering his attempts to control Congress and likely bringing forward the date of his assassination by 5-8 weeks.

We asked Szymanski more about her political background:

“They asked us at basic training who wanted to be a part of a white nationalist group, and every hand went up,” she recalled. “I drew the short straw, and ended up in a New Communist Movement-influenced commune in Philadelphia,” .

“But in 1977, we had a huge fight over ‘Socialism with Chinese Characteristics’, and we split. I mean, fuck Deng Xiaoping, man, fuck him.”

“Fuck you, you fucking crypto-Hoxhaite left deviationist!” shouted Tim (you all know which one), who had found his way to the conference somehow.

The veteran Maoist burst into tears. “It’s just so hurtful. If it weren’t for my CIA paycheque, I’d move to Australia and join the CPA(ML).”

A counter-protest organised by FBI front groups in front of the venue attracted over ten thousand promises of attendance on Facebook, but WS investigation revealed only seven people, three placards and one dog had turned up.

Worker’s Spatula did meet one actually class conscious individual who didn’t support either the FBI or the CIA against one another. She appeared to have been invited by mistake, and agreed to talk to us on grounds of anonymity: “At first I thought this whole thing was some kind of communist joke,” the young woman wearing an Engels t-shirt. “But then I found out that lunch was catered.”

“Only the state has the kind of resources to provide that much bream.”

At time of press, someone who had put up their hand to ask a question was on their ninth minute of explaining their micro-sect’s definition of the true nature of the Soviet Union.

Jesus: Judeo-Bolshevik?

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BERLIN, QENDÎL – The latest article by the well-known US Christian-Maoist Cornel West calling for all his ‘brothers and sisters’ to ‘follow Jesus in fighting for the poor and downtrodden’ has provoked a repsonse by the respectable news outlet (in the US) and fascist propaganda front (by the standards of other countries) Breitbart News Network asking: “Was Jesus Secretly A Judeo-Bolshevik!?”

The Breitbart correspondant Guy Whitey Corngood writes “We alt-rightists reject the label ‘white supremacist’… A sort of visceral hatred of black people and immigrants is completely ignorant, and beneath us. We are more refined than that. We realise that the blacks and Mexicans are weapons used by the Cultural Marxist Jews in service of their planned white genocide*. We merely advocate self-defence against this.”

“When we see Jesus preaching, much in the style of the famed Jew Karl Marx, that black people ought to rise against the white race in the hateful and racist fashion typical of the Bolsheviki, we have to ask: Was Jesus a Jew?”

Response from the left was swift, as firing squads are swift. Cornel West responded in that typically Cornel West style by saying: “I hope my brothers and sisters at Breitbart, no matter how they feel about Jesus, will just… just shove it up their own assholes. I’m sorry, I’m done being nice to every hateful piece of shit that spouts some blatantly reactionary nonsense in my general vicinity. We can’t save ’em all. I’m selling my cloak and buying a sword for these Yankee Nazis.”

Meanwhile, in Qendîl, our editor-in-chief was deep in the finer points of historical-theological discussion with Murat Karayılan:

“Was Jesus a Jew? What is a Jew? A Jew is a Mesopotamian, in a sense. The Talmud is from Mesopotamia, as is the Gilgamesh flood myth. Abraham was a Mesopotamian, so why shouldn’t Jesus be too?”

“Sure, okay, but the actual point of the debate isn’t about…”

“In our understanding, Judaism, and all religions, including your faith, Shi’a Islam, and mine, Taoism, are just pre-modern yearnings for the ultimate truth of socialism.”

“So what you’re saying is…”

“Jesus was a Kurd.”

The German left scene, which has been embroiled in critiques and discussions of Christianity’s effect on social and political consciousness since the death of Hz. Hegel, and which is deeply invested in responding to Nazis for some reason, had a great deal to say on the subject of Jesus’s alleged Bolshevism:

“Jesus was certainly a Jew, and not a dirty German,” explained Stefan Engel, the most Stalinist member of der Frankfurter Schule. “But was he a Bolshevik? I would argue not. Despite Jesus’s many positive teachings, he nonetheless failed to grasp the role of imperialism: Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar’s? More like expropriate from Caesar that which Caesar expropriated from the colonised people of Judea!

“Jesus would read GegenStandpunkt.”

GegenStandpunkt has responded with almost the opposite critique of the Nazarene. It reads, in part:

Any discussion of bourgeois society which divides between so-called “fascist” and “democratic” trends is itself un-Marxist. Jesus, as a classic “democratic revolutionary” of the type lauded by Leninite deviationists, may have appealed to the emotions of the poor suffering under capitalism, but he did nothing to actively elevate popular understanding of capitalism as a system of exploitation per se.

When Jesus explains „Ein Reicher wird schwer ins Himmelreich kommen“**, there is nothing Marxist in this. Marx may have broken with the other Junghegelianer over the role of religious ideology in the bourgeois state, but he was very clear that it was not an emancipatory role as such. As for Jesus:

„Es ist leichter, daß ein Kamel durch ein Nadelöhr gehe, denn daß ein Reicher ins Reich Gottes komme. […] Jesus aber sah sie an und sprach zu ihnen: Bei den Menschen ist es unmöglich; aber bei Gott sind alle Dinge möglich.“**

Case closed, Leninites: Jesus was a reformist, an idealist, and a class collaborator.

*It is once again to be noted that “white genocide” is a euphamism for a trend of consensual miscegenation, but “advocating” it will nonetheless result in them doing you like they did George Ciccariello-Mahir-Çayan.

**Bible quotes left in their original German to avoid human misrepresentation of words in the holy tongue of Hz. Hegel.

Worker’s Spatula Credit Cards Maxed Out

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ANKARA – “You’re no longer in good standing.”

“What?” asked our shocked correspondent. “Why?”

“You know why. That money was for the conference,” explained the stern, leather jacket-wearing woman standing across from him.

“I did spend it on the conference! Didn’t the conference happen?”

“It did, but these receipts don’t add up. And even if they did, you took far more money than you needed to. You need to come up with the missing money, and fast.”

As his superior exited the room, our correspondent picked up his mobile and frantically dialled headquarters.

“Comrade, you’ve got to help me. I spent 1000 lira on bream and EMEP found out.”

“No can do, comrade. My account is empty and my cards are maxed out.”

“What? How?”

“Bream, mostly. I had to go to Malta to organise the local bream fishers, and also purchase all their bream, and try out several new and inventive bream recipes.”

“We’re prisoners to our bream addiction,” sighed our correspondent. “I’m skypeing [REDACTED].”

“They’re in Kosovo!” warned headquarters, just as they were being hung up on.

“Kosovo, eh?” said our correspondent, lighting his Stalin-pipe and puffing at it thoughtfully. “At least there’s no bream there.”

“Greetings comrade,” said our intrepid Balkan correspondent. “What’s wrong, you look down?”

“Money troubles. Is there any chance I could borrow 1000 lira to get out of a tight spot?”

“How much is that in Euro? 10? 100?”

“Not yet, I’m afraid. It’s still a bit over 250.”

“Allahu jedini! I’m a bit tight at present.”

“Why, trip to Kosovo set you back?”

“Well, it’s more why I’m here. It’s a good-will mission, I came by train. I have to bring the impoverished Kosovar children much-needed…”

“Bream, I know.”

“Yeah. You might consider asking our extremely wealthy editor-in-chief.”

“He’s gone.”

“What?”

“Yeah, he’s in Qendîl.”

“The only thing I can think to do then is this: I will stay here in Kosovo, embed myself among the local population, run for political office on a platform of inter-communal peacemaking and international solidarity, earn the trust of the Serbian Orthodox Church and the Bektashi Order in Kosovo, appropriate funds given by the faithful, and divert them to your bank account.”

“Can you do that in the next 48 hours?”

“Sure thing!”

sorted

ICOR Descends on London to Talk Toblerone Tactics

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LONDON – ICOR, the international revolutionary solidarity organisation formed at the initiative of its most famous affiliate, Nouveau Parti Communiste Haϊtien (Marxiste-Léniniste), are ringing in 2017 with a newer, bigger solidarity project, even more important to the international revolutionary movement than the Kurdish liberation movement’s defence of Şengal and Rojava from the barbaric forces of ISIS.

As is known, the gaps in the Toblerone in the UK have been widened, provoking a strong public outcry, particularly from the petty bourgeoisie and labour aristocracy. Protests have broken out across England, leading ICOR to call an emergency conference in London to discuss strategy and tactics for the chocolate crisis.

“Toblerone is a blatantly petty bourgeois chocolate, and class dynamics must underlie our every discussion,” opined a representative of the Bolshevik Party (North Kurdistan-Turkey). “Standing with these petty bourgeois protesters, even if they should riot and fight the police, would be tantamount to supporting fascism. Our struggle against opportunism must definitely extend to Toblerone and all other chocolate confections.”

“Most forms of struggle in the UK inevitably possess some petty bourgeois character, on account of the strength of the labour aristocracy,” responded a KOE member in attendence, on break from organising the bream-fishers of Santorini. “What is crucial is that the rejection of the gap-widening of the Toblerone reflects a rejection of profit-motivated production as such and can be used to help the masses understand their interest in socialism.”

From the back of the room came a loud cough, as a representative of the MLGS (the Marxist-Leninist Group of Switzerland) stood to speak:

Comrades! As the only Swiss in the room, and the only communists in Switzerland, we are in a unique position to analyse the impetus for this chocolate-modifying: It is our understanding that the chocolate was modified not for reasons of the profit motive, which would be difficult to explain in light of this modification being done, as far as our investigations have determined, only in the United Kingdom.

Clearly our bourgeois compatriots in Switzerland modified the British Toblerone so as to teach the obscenely positivist peoples of Britain about Hegelian dialectics. As all Swiss companies’ boards of directors are predominantly Right Hegelian, this unfortunately does result in greater overall exploitation for the profit motive. However, as all chocolate under capitalism is effectively in the service of the profit motive, we must consider, contextually, what meaning can truly be derived from this latest Toblerone gambit:

Out of the being of Toblerone has come the nothingness of the gaps. Out of the nothingness of the gaps comes being. Without the gaps, you cannot conceive of Toblerone as such. When Toblerone ceases to exist, so too will its gaps.

Was it not Marx who said: “With Toblerone, class struggle is standing on its head. It must be inverted, in order to discover the dialectical chocolate within the vulgar paper and foil shell”?

The Swiss representative then proceeded to take a Toblerone bar, flip it over several times on the table, as its triangular shape made it difficult to precisely determine when it was standing on its head, before unwrapping it and eating it piece by piece as the entire room waited silently, with baited breath.

At time of press, the ICOR meeting in London had voted down TİKB’s proposal to “blow up a Toblerone bar in the middle of London as an act of armed propaganda”.

Survivors of Istanbul Nightclub Attack Praise Turkish Intelligence Services

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ISTANBUL – Survivors of the attack on the Reina nightclub in Beşiktaş, Istanbul unanimously agreed on one thing: MİT, the Turkish National Intelligence Organisation, is doing a bang-up job keeping Turkey safe from attacks.

“My husband was killed in the attack last night,” explained Saudi expat Lu’Lu’a `Ajam, looking at our correspondent through bloodshot eyes. “But I personally survived a night of public drinking unscathed, which would be unimaginable in my home country. That much is definitely to the credit of the Turkish state and intelligence services.”

Turkish citizen Salih Durmuş likewise had the highest praise one could expect for Fidan’s work: “Although it would frankly be nice if Hakan Fidan could stop a single attack, I understand that he’s quite busy arresting members of Kurdish, socialist, and women’s organisations. But the fact that they are looking for the shooter, and the police didn’t attack the survivors like they did after the Ankara bombing, shows that the lives of bourgeois alcoholics like myself do still factor into the security concerns of the Erdoğan Sultanate, for which I am very grateful.”

Mr. Durmuş was taken into custody following the completion of the second sentence, for which he is expected to be tried for insulting the Turkish President, along with “propaganda for a terrorist organisation” for the first sentence.

Reactions from Turks at large, however, were marked by intricate conspiracy theories, as is only to be expected from a country which is indeed host to a great many actual conspiracies.

“Sun Tzu teaches us that all war is based on deception,” explained a Devrimci Karargâh guerrilla to our Rojava correspondent, “Despite appearances, ISIS did not really attack the nightclub in Beşiktaş.”

“So what you’re saying is that MİT was behind the attack, or that ISIS had another aim in mind?” asked our correspondent, furiously scribbling notes.

“My simple, undialectical child,” chuckled the guerrilla. “There was no such attack at all. ISIS have so mastered the art of deception that they were able to make all present believe an out-of-control kitchen fire was in fact a gunman dressed as Noel Baba carrying out a grim New Year’s slaughter. The bourgeois Turkish media accepts this illusion, not in spite of the fact that it makes MİT look incompetent, but because it makes MİT look incompetent. In this manner, our people in Turkey will be less prepared for the enemy.”

“So you don’t think ISIS is capable of carrying out an attack in Istanbul?”

“My young comrade, every day we are on the front lines against ISIS: I can assure you that they are the paperest of tigers.”

As of press time, our Istanbul correspondent had been taken into custody for reporting on the nightclub shooting while the nightclub gunman continues to walk free.