Survivors of Istanbul Nightclub Attack Praise Turkish Intelligence Services


ISTANBUL – Survivors of the attack on the Reina nightclub in Beşiktaş, Istanbul unanimously agreed on one thing: MİT, the Turkish National Intelligence Organisation, is doing a bang-up job keeping Turkey safe from attacks.

“My husband was killed in the attack last night,” explained Saudi expat Lu’Lu’a `Ajam, looking at our correspondent through bloodshot eyes. “But I personally survived a night of public drinking unscathed, which would be unimaginable in my home country. That much is definitely to the credit of the Turkish state and intelligence services.”

Turkish citizen Salih Durmuş likewise had the highest praise one could expect for Fidan’s work: “Although it would frankly be nice if Hakan Fidan could stop a single attack, I understand that he’s quite busy arresting members of Kurdish, socialist, and women’s organisations. But the fact that they are looking for the shooter, and the police didn’t attack the survivors like they did after the Ankara bombing, shows that the lives of bourgeois alcoholics like myself do still factor into the security concerns of the Erdoğan Sultanate, for which I am very grateful.”

Mr. Durmuş was taken into custody following the completion of the second sentence, for which he is expected to be tried for insulting the Turkish President, along with “propaganda for a terrorist organisation” for the first sentence.

Reactions from Turks at large, however, were marked by intricate conspiracy theories, as is only to be expected from a country which is indeed host to a great many actual conspiracies.

“Sun Tzu teaches us that all war is based on deception,” explained a Devrimci Karargâh guerrilla to our Rojava correspondent, “Despite appearances, ISIS did not really attack the nightclub in Beşiktaş.”

“So what you’re saying is that MİT was behind the attack, or that ISIS had another aim in mind?” asked our correspondent, furiously scribbling notes.

“My simple, undialectical child,” chuckled the guerrilla. “There was no such attack at all. ISIS have so mastered the art of deception that they were able to make all present believe an out-of-control kitchen fire was in fact a gunman dressed as Noel Baba carrying out a grim New Year’s slaughter. The bourgeois Turkish media accepts this illusion, not in spite of the fact that it makes MİT look incompetent, but because it makes MİT look incompetent. In this manner, our people in Turkey will be less prepared for the enemy.”

“So you don’t think ISIS is capable of carrying out an attack in Istanbul?”

“My young comrade, every day we are on the front lines against ISIS: I can assure you that they are the paperest of tigers.”

As of press time, our Istanbul correspondent had been taken into custody for reporting on the nightclub shooting while the nightclub gunman continues to walk free.

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